Monday, October 26, 2009

Happy or Sad?

Some days are such a mix of happy and sad that I am not sure which tone to put in my post. I think tonight I will do a post like a black and white cookie. And because I love dessert I will start with the bitter and end with the sweet.


Sometimes the grief is so real, so raw, so present and right there in front of you that it is almost as if you can reach out and touch it. It is as physical as the lump that forms in your throat when you get emotional about something.

Some days, when the grief is right there just out of the reach of my fingertips, I want to grab it and smash it on the ground and the stomp all over the pieces of it. I want to obliterate it. More often lately when it is sitting there in front of me staring me in the face daring me to do what I will with it, I mentally reach out and caress it with tenderness. I let it soak into the fibers of my being and saturate them with the longing and the sorrow ... and the love.

Such a moment was mine last night as I held my little tender hearted Sabrina in my arms as she sobbed with the aching of missing her baby sister. I let the grief in to simmer in my soul and season me with empathy. And in our teary embrace, we found a strength and unity stronger and deeper than we would have had without the grief of loss.

Today Sabrina and I finished reading "The Horse and His Boy" by C. S. Lewis. It is the 3rd book in the Chronicles of Narnia series. I love those books. In this one, Aslan (who is symbolic of Jesus Christ) uses a series of trials to bring people to the places they need to be to become the people they were meant to become. It is frightening and painful for them as he pushes them together and forward, but in the end they see how necessary and wise it was. They see the trial for the blessing it really was.

I believe firmly that this trial is in some way doing that for me. I feel confident that when I look back on my life 50 years from now, I will see this trial as a blessing in disguise. And so though a part of me would like to shred the grief into a million little pieces and scatter them to the wind, instead lately, I opt to treat it as a familiar yet broken friend. And as his visits are so much less frequent now, I open my door and welcome him in.

A Sweet Week

This week is going to be one of those super busy, super fun, work hard, play hard weeks. I am trying not to stress out about it because I really want to enjoy it to the fullest. We have a party every day this week and 2 on Tuesday and Friday. I have a super long do list to have costumes and food and house ready for all these occasions. But, if I can get the work done, the playing time is going to be so memorable and make for such a great week.

So You Think You Can Dance is tomorrow night at 8:30 here at my house. I am making pumpkin squares (one of my favorite seasonal desserts!) Wed. is the church trunk or treat (I am making my favorite chili). Thursday is the school fall festival. Friday is a halloween party at our neighbor's home. And Saturday I am coordinating a huge block party. It is going to be serious fun.

Now off to bed so I can have energy to do my do list tomorrow!


Angenette said...

Stephanie- I don't know how you always manage to express just how I feel but cannot articulate. Thank you for your post tonight. I never consciously thought of grief as bittersweet before, but it really is.

Chelsa said...

thanks for putting my feelings into words AGAIN.

enjoy your busy/fun week!

Samantha said...

Beautifully written. Have you been told today that you are amazing and inspiring? You Are! Enjoy this fun filled week with your sweet sweet children.

Amanda said...

My heart ached reading this. You are such an incredible woman.

The Chronicles of Narnia are some of my favorite books of all time! I still read them to this day and in a couple of years my girls will be old enough for me to read them to them.

I hope you enjoy the business of your week and the festivness of the holiday!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your sweet words. You are an amazing person and I love to log on and see what you've written.

(And post the chili recipe. :))

Sunshine Promises said...

I have only recently found your blog. Your post came as such an answer to prayers today.

In the last week, our neighbors lost their father - a man that was the picture of health - to a heart attack while mountain biking. The rest of the story? They lost two additional children a few years ago in a car accident. So in the last few years, they have grieved half their family.

I know I cannot comprehend that kind of loss (I pray I never do) but I feel that the wife/mother needs to read your words. I will copy them off and take them to her today.

Thank you.

Joanna said...

Stephanie, I am a fairly new reader to your blog. I have recently gone through some adversity and what came of that was my - view of life has changed dramatically. Isn't life so precious? Our time here on earth is one to be cherished. And if we are not careful, it could be snatched away from us.

My heart aches that you lost your little angel. I can't imagine the sorrow you feel in your heart. You've got a great support system on here. People love you and are lifted and strengthened because you are fighting through this trial you've been given.

What a heartfelt, eloquent post. You have a beautiful gift for writing. Thank you for sharing.

If you would like to view my blog, here it is.

Enjoy your fun-filled holiday weekend.


Annalee Kelly said...

can you post your pumpkin dessert recipe?

and thank you for sharing the tender feelings of your heart.