Progress

My dad took this photo of Camille at his house four months ago.

 I just wanted a photo of her at the top of my blog.

I want to give myself a progress report. It is the first of October. It has been three and a half months I have been walking this road of grief. This morning I woke up and got out of bed without thinking about the silence. I just woke up and started doing my daily routine. I thought to myself as I was in the bathroom putting myself together, "Well, I guess this is progress."

Then this morning I talked to Tiffany. Some of you may have seen her comment on my Vacation post last week. She lost her son Jackson to a drowning just over a week ago. As we talked this morning I remembered so clearly being where she is right now. I remember the physical pain in my chest. I remember the hallow emptiness inside. I remember seeing the image of Camille in the hot tub every time I closed my eyes. 

I remembered all that but also recognized how far I have come in these past three and a half months. This journey follows a road with many switch backs. There are days when I feel as if I am not getting better. There are hours I feel as sorrowful as I ever have. But when I look at the whole of my journey so far, I can see how much progress I have made. It is slow and tedious and tiresome. But I have made progress.

Even my sorrow feels different now. My tears are less sad tears. They are not tears of joy either. They are the tears of tenderness. They flow easily when I talk of my relationship with Camille. It is not a sad subject to me. It is a tender subject. 

There are also many tears of the Spirit. My heart is still tender to its whisperings. I have a hard time singing hymns. Singing and crying do not mix well. I found myself fighting the tears all during women's conference. I am sure the tears will flow easily through general conference. I will let them. I will be ready with my Kleenex box. 

This morning talking to (or crying to) my mom about this she noted that after a major surgery the doctors tell you to measure your progress not day by day but week by week. You may not feel better today than you do yesterday but next week will feel better than this week. I think that is true to the healing of the soul after a major trauma as well. 

I see vividly the progress I have made. I am no longer in that unbearable pain. The would is not fresh. But I am still very tender. Yes, this soul of mine is healing but still tender.