Thursday, July 3, 2008

Scattered Thoughts On A Day of Low to High

Ups and Downs.  My life feels so full of them right now.  I started the day with a solid 5 minutes of breaking down in sorrow in my closet.  I let the grief flow through me, crying audibly in my solitude.  After about 5 minutes, not nearly enough time to fully release my sorrow, I forced myself to dry my eyes, put on my clothes and go get Sabrina ready for school.  

We read scriptures, said prayers, ate breakfast and got ready for school.  Once Sabrina was off, and after a few other morning tasks, I headed to my mother's to see my brother and his wife who were passing though town on the way to the cabin.  

Driving is hard for me these days.  In the car it is quiet.  Too quiet.  There are few distractions to keep my mind occupied.  In the car, I think.  Lately that can be a dangerous past time.  I didn't get far before the thoughts turned to tears.  Luckily, my car is well stocked with Kleenex. (I think I should have Jon invest in that stock.)  

I managed to pull myself back together by the time we arrived at my mothers.  It is easier to be cheerful with my family around.  

I took Nikki, my sister in law, with me to the funeral home to pick out the name place details for Camille's grave.  I am still deciding which picture to use.  I made it through that pretty well. Next a family friend came to talk about helping my kids through the grief process, she is a counselor with LDS family services.  Pretty much cried when I talked through that.  I have been worried about my kids.

I did another errand with my dad after that and then was glad to be headed back home.  I still feel best at home.  It is where she was the most.  My mom's is not too bad since we lived there with Camille for the first 8 months of her life.  I feel most safe in places with which she was most familiar.  I don't know why that is.  I just feel her presence stronger in those places.

I came home to find that Jon had had an equally hard day.  We let our tears flow together for a few minutes and then the duties of the day called us back.  We had Sabrina's former first grade teacher over for dinner.  It was a fun visit for all of us.

After she left the neighbors came over and Jon and I took the two oldest girls (Lauren was already in bed asleep) outside to let them swim for a bit.  This was the first time we have been in the hot tub since the accident.  

One of my biggest fears early in this ordeal was about how this experience would change me.  I did not want to be that mother who is scared to let her kids live for fear of losing them.  But how can I not be that mother now that I have lost one?  I believe the answer is in careful determination.  I have been trying hard to force myself not to deny my children fun experiences while at the same time being doggedly cautious and watchful of them.  We have been swimming a few times now since the accident and I am surprised that it has not been harder for me.  Even the memory of finding her is fading slowly into the recesses of my mind.  

The kids had a great time and after we got the kids out and ready for bed.  We ended our day on a spiritual high.  A friend of mine, Catherine, had her father in town visiting.  Her father is Elder Whitney Clayton of the Presidency of the Seventy in our church.  He came to our home and visited with us and gave Jon and I and our two oldest daughters priesthood blessings.  

This day started so low and ended so high.  I know the Lord knows my family.  Elder Clayton does not know us but the blessings he gave were from One who does.  I particularly needed mine.  There were so many things he told me that I needed to hear and that only God could have known I needed to hear.

How grateful I am to have the priesthood restored on the earth today.  It is a blessing beyond measure in my life. I know the Lord put so many people in my life right now to help me through this and I have no doubt that my good friend Catherine is one of them.  Thank you to her and her family for letting their dad come spend a bit of time here with us to bless us.


Marylin and Jimmy said...

I found your blog through a friend and I have been reading it for a few days and I must say that I have thought of you and your family and included you all in my prayers. I have three children and until my oldest lost her best friend in a car accident last year I know that I was not being the best mom I could be. It is awful that these events are sometimes what it takes to put myself in check. Thank you for sharing your soul with us, with me. May you feel your little one close to you, I am so sorry for your loss.♠

Rach said...

Ups and downs. Yes, that's it.

HUGS, Friend.


Shanan said...

I am so happy to hear your day ended on a high! I pray that the highs become more constant than the lows for you and your family. With love - Shanan

Liz's Blog said...

Hey Steph,
I am amazed at your strength and your faith. Everyday as I read your post my love for you and your family grows. I admire how strong you are, even through the low parts of your day. You are an amazing mom!!! I know the Priesthood blessings brought comfort to you and your family. Your girls are beautiful. Even though we don't know what your low days feel like, we are here for you always. You are in my prayers.
Love ya,

Rhonda said...

I really can not explain why your post today is so moving to I have have read every single post since Camille's passing. Today it brings tears. However, as our family went through some of the same grief so many years ago, (and we still ache as the anniversary of little 22 month Jon's death was July 2)it is amazing how we find love and strength in the Lord, how we know these things to be true.

Have you ever considered your posts being in a book? There are so many families (LDS & other) out there who feel the way you do, who grieve silently. Who would be able to find further strength through your eloquence and testimony of the Lord and our belief in the the plan of salvation.

Just a thought!

Rhonda said...

(...p.s., "Little Jon" was my husband's sister's son!)I want to clarify, but to also tell you how much family support means to all involved and to us as well. Your sister, Lesli, is amazing as I hope I am/have been as supportive to my siblings and in laws as well.

Always a good thing to know you have those people in your life. To know they are there for you in good times and in the not so good times.

Jim & Allison said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Doty6strong said...

Though tragedy has engulfed you, greatness comes through your memoires of a beautiful little girl. Those of us who are stuck to your blog, mourn with you. The sting in my heart and ache for you and your husband is real. My emotions pour out and soak into my lap each time I visit this site. Amazing when you feel so alone, how the Lord provides His way to show you how much you are loved. May you continue to be comforted all the days of your life. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with the rest of us. YOU have made me a better mother these past few weeks.... You seriously should write a book, it would fly off the shelf! God bless you and your sweet family.