Last week I got an email from a lady named Shelley Murley. She is a friend of my sister and other friends of ours. She is the mother of four and on the side she is a song writer. In her email, she told me that our mutual friend told her about me and she has since been reading my blog.
She wrote, "One morning as I read your beautiful words in your blog titled "Breathe" almost an entire song quickly formed in my little head. It wasn't until you wrote "Blame" that I was able to completely finish it."
I got this email just as I was coming down from last weeks high. Shelley's email continued, "After many gentle promptings, I decided to record the song this morning. I am in no way a professional singer (I usually use talented people for that job) but this time, I wanted you to have a song today. I know with all my heart, that you will one day be with your sweet Camille again, and it will be a glorious day."
I too know that day will be glorious. I think Shelley has a lovely voice and it is perfect for the song. Thank you so much Shelley. This song gives me peace and hope. It expresses my feelings all too well.
Please enjoy the little movie/slideshow I made to go behind the song and you may want to grab a Kleenex before you watch.
"The cavity which suffering carves into our souls
will one day also be the receptacle of joy."
Neil A. Maxwell
p.s. I better have a kiddie cup drawer in my mansion in heaven.
70 comments:
That is a beautiful song! Thank you shelley! I love it. I agree that Shelley has a nice voice! i love you steph. i am praying for you.
That was beautiful! Thanks for sharing it. You have a beautiful daughter that truly is an inspiration for us all to do better. Your family continues to be in our thoughts and prayers.
Love,
JaNae
That was a beautiful song-- a real tear jerker, for sure. I am glad I had a box of tissue nearby.
You and your family are in my prayers, Stephanie.
*HUGS!*
As I started watching this, my rambunctious 2 1/2 yr old daughter, who was singing and dancing and running, immediately came over, climbed in my lap, put her head on my shoulder and watched and listened. She stayed that way for 2 times through.
I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to "wait patiently" to hold Camille like this again. But I can just imagine her sitting with Jesus, smiling, and listening to that beautiful song made from her Mommy's words.
Thank you for constantly reminding me to cherish my 2 daughters.
Amanda
I love it. Beautiful pictures to go with a beautiful song. I'm so happy Shelley used her amazing talent in such a beautiful way.
So tender. Tears, tears, tears. Thank you for sharing!
Lovely, lovely. It was mellow, hopeful, sad and peaceful all at once, which I think is accurate. I think about you and your family every day. My youngest is 5 months, and I can't help but examine him and my other children closely, cherishing the moments I have with them. I've grown to love and admire you through your blog. Hang in there. It will get better, and your mansion will definitely have a cup drawer. :) My love and prayers- N
That is the most beautiful song! I loved the words and her voice together. You are so blessed to have such a support group of people who love you. Thank-you for sharing with us.
Shelley: You rock. Thank you so much for sharing your incredible talents with us. Your voice is so soothing, the words are inspired, the riff is addictive. What more could a song be?
Love to you Steph, Sean
That is a beautiful song sung with a lovely voice. I hope to hear it on the radio some day!
You are truly blessed. I am grateful to know you through this blog. You remind me to never give up the hope.
I did not get the tissues like you said, now people are looking at me all crazy. Shelley did a great job on that song. Ok now for the tissue.
I am in your brother Morgan's ward in San Clemente, and have been reading your blog. What a sweet song and perfect for those precious pictures. Right after I watched it I went and kissed my sleeping 10 week old and told her I loved her. You are constantly on my mind and always in my prayers. Thank you for sharing your testimony so beautifully on a regular basis, it has strengthen mine.
Wow! That was such a sweet beautiful song. Perfect. Shelley is very talented, and I thought her voice was just right. What a great gift. I need to go listen to it a few more times to keep enjoying the pictures and listen closely to the touching words. I love Camille. We pray for you guys. Love you!
unreal, that song is just amazing. it makes me ache and hurt with you and for you all over again. how you use your pain and strengthen your faith continually inspires me. and it is so good to hear how angels like this singer are sent your way.
Beautiful.
Oh, What a beautiful song and video. Her voice was so angelic and pure. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. God Bless!
Amazing! What a gorgeous song and treasure for you to have! she said,"I am in no way a professional singer (I usually use talented people for that job)" I couldn't disagree more... What a soothing, beautiful voice she has!
Awesome, Shelley!
I can't imagine a voice more appropriate (or sweeter) for that song than that of its' composer. Such feeling! (a 3 kleenex post)
Stephanie - the movie/slide-show was a simply perfect compliment to this treasured gift.
Having a cup drawer in your Eternal Home is a given. Perhaps Camille will greet you from it. :-)
I was away for a few days but I want -- make that "need" -- you to know that your "In vain" post had a profound impact on me and, because of an occurance on our trip, could not possibly have been more timely. Today's family discussion focused soley on that. A real "lightbulb" moment.
I sure hope you realize just how many people you are helping. I know I speak for others when I tell you that more than a few of your posts have been deeply meaningful to me and I am a better person because of them.
Camille's mission is bearing such sweet fruit.
What a beautiful song of hope. Thank you for sharing it with us. We continue to pray for you and your family.
that is so beautiful. my favorite part of the song was the part with the words about each day being one day closer to seeing camille again. how happy!
we love you and we love camille.
the noordas
i would also just like to add that as your heart is breaking, so are the hearts of your friends. we love you and are ever praying for you and yours.
I can't stop reading your blog. I am so touched by your words.
In her book "God Wants a Powerful People," Sheri Dew negates the comment that you often hear that the Lord will never give you more than you can handle, she says:
"...the Lord does give us more than we can handle -- by ourselves, that is. He does this so that we will have every opportunity and motivation to seek Him early, to put Him first. He atoned precisely so that we would not have to shoulder our burdens or the disappointments of mortality alone." (page 89-90)
I really struggled with this, but in reading your post, I have come to a few conclusions. #1 - You are a powerful women. The Lord surly has great blessings in store for you. #2 - you have shown me what Sheri Dew meant. It's more than words to me. In every post I read, you mentioned how the Lord gave you the strength to deal with what has happened to you. What a great example you are to those around you.
Thank you for including us in your healing process. I am touched by your words, the songs and most of all by the smile on Camille's face. Her joy is contagious. May the Lord continue to bless you and your family during this difficult time in your life.
Beautiful and once again I'll hold my babies a little tighter. I look at your posts everyday to remind myself to cherish them.
That is a beautiful song. I have to tell my aunt to come to your blog and listen to it. She lost her little girl to PKD when she was 2 hours old. Perfect song for her also. Your blog helps everyone. Thanks again.
Betsie
That was a beautiful song, and I love the slides to go with it. You have amazing strength, and your family is in my thoughts and prayers.
There are not adequate words- just beautiful. And her voice is perfect. Wow.
wow! that is gorgeous, and even more special because it really is specifically for you and inspired by you. her voice is perfect for it. i'm so excited for your glorious day to come, and i know it will become more and more glorious as you continue to do all that you're meant to do here first.
What a beautiful song! Shelley has an amazing voice. Thank you for continually sharing your life and experiences with us. I am inspired by you and am striving to be a better mom.
A drawer and a little cabinet that she can hide in. I agree...it's a must!
I just needed to leave a comment and tell you that I think your blog is beautiful. One of my friends sent me your link because of the posts you wrote about helping friends deal with grief (since I had a miscarriage a couple of months ago and had a hard time with it). I especially loved your post titled "Behold your little ones." After having a miscarriage at sixteen weeks pregnant, I began to appreciate my other two children even more. Thank you for reminding me to hold my children close to me and to treat them as the children of God that they are! I just spent the last hour crying while I was reading your blog. Your words are so beautiful and I cannot even begin to imagine the sorrow you have gone through after losing your sweet Camille.
Oh, Stephanie, that is beautiful. What a treasure to have the song and video together. Shelley did a beautiful job and of course your girls are beautiful.
Beautiful song, loved it. Thank you for sharing...
Stephanie, I don't know if you heard about the drowning accident on Sunday in Vegas, an 18 month old little baby girl drowned in her grandparent's backyard pool before church on Sunday morning. Her parents are my cousin and his wife from Austin, TX. They were in town visiting her parents when the drowning accident happened. They are, understandably, devastated... I would love to put them in touch with you- please email me at your earliest convenience at pamperedjules@yahoo.com so that I can personally share with you their story and information and maybe put you in touch with them. I am so sad that you both have to share this heavy burden, but maybe you can lighten each other's burdens by speaking with them.
My prayers continue to be with you and your family, Love, Julie in TX
Beautiful. How sweet for Shelley to do that. She does have a nice voice. That day will be glorious. How comforting Elder Maxwell's quote is. I love you and miss you guys.
So beautiful! We are in our prayers every day! Hang in there!
Your post today makes me angry. (Not at you please understand) Angry at my situation.
I lost my daughter to congenital defects before she was born. We knew early on that there were problems and that her chance of survival outside the womb was pretty much zero.
We also lost her before that critical 23 week mark that makes the difference between a stillborn, and a miscarriage.
I had a miscarriage, I hate that word. I hate that it invalidates my loss. I hate that it means to people that instead of having the right to grieve, I should just "Get over it".
I hate that I am jealous of another mother who has suffered a loss, because she had the chance to know her daughter. I hate that I am jealous because this other mother was able to have a funeral, to bury her child instead of having the remains disposed of by the hospital.
I hate that I am jealous that this other mother has someone to grieve with her while I grieve alone.
No one held my hand and cried with me. Not even my husband, he buries his emotions deep within him. No one painted portraits of my child, or wrote lullabies, or even told me they were sorry for my loss and thinking of me save a very few friends.
People roll their eyes when I mention my daughters name because she never really lived so I don't have a right to think about her or talk about her.
I hate that I am jealous.
I hate that I am angry
I hate that I am the only one who grieves the life of my child
I hate that I will never be able to have another child
I hate that I married a man outside the church so I don't even have the comfort of knowing I will raise my daughter in the next life.
I hate that I don't have an eternal family and my daughter is lost to me now.
I hate that my husband wants nothing to do with the church.
I hate that I am jealous of another mother who has suffered a loss.
It makes me a horrible person, and I hate that.
I hate that I can't even bring myself to put my name on this post.
I hate the biter, angry person I have become.
WOW what a beautiful song. I cried like a baby...again! My heart is so broken for you. I wish that the accident didn't happen and sweet Camille was back in your arms now. I am so so sad! It breaks my heart to see your 3 other girls without their sister. The whole thing is heartbreaking....but out of it came your profound words and ideas that are affecting and changing many lives...making a lot of us better mothers to our children. Keep writing...I check back several times a day to see if you have written anything new. Lots of thoughts and hugs to you!
Oh the anonymous post just a few up from this just breaks my heart! All mothers who have ever suffered a miscarriage know the silent pain that you are going through! As for not being sealed to her...even though your husband has yet to embrace the gospel you can live you life in such a way that I believe she will be yours one day. God is a merciful God. Live worthy and partake of the temple blessings and I believe that all will be made right before the Lord!
I hope you don't mind me reading your blog. A mutual friend told me of your experience and I have been so touched by your words and pictures. Thank you so much for sharing them. They have truly touched my heart and have given ME the courage to endure the challenges I face in life.
Thank you Stephanie.
Stephanie-
This was beautiful. I want to look Shelly up and hear more of her stuff.
I wish there was something I could do for anonymous who lost her daughter too. She is part of our club and I love her, even if she may not feel like she loves herself. If she reads this, please feel free to email me ag mollymjackson@gmail.com or go to my blog jacksonparkcity.blogspot.com
I have felt hope the past few days, as opposed to the despair. It changes everyday, but I pray you can have more good days. Just treasure them.
Beautiful! Shelley, maybe you should become a professional singer as well, because you sounded beautiful and i don't think other people can ever really quite get the song the way the writer wants it the way the writer can anyway. I absolutely loved it.
Stephanie-
I keep finding myself coming to your blog for my daily uplift. It's become like the Ensign or the scriptures. It helps me put things back into perspective Thank you for doing that for all of us. It's an amazing talent to be able to lift so many when you are suffering so deeply. I love you,
Jenny (Earl) Norton
That was so beautiful! I don't even know you personally or your Camille, but you both have become such an important part of my life. I think about you both constantly, and I pray for you multiple times a day. Thank you for continung to inspire me!
For the anonymous comment above...I am so sorry for your loss. I remember my mom had a miscarriage when I was about 14, and I still think about that sibling that I never knew. I wish I knew your name so we could pray for you and your little one and your husband. Keep your faith and pray to Heavenly Father. He surely knows your pain and wants to bless you!
I also don't know you but just spent an hour reading your blog. You are an amazing mother. I have 4 children of my own and your pain is unbearable for me to even comprehend. You have a beautiful spirit and you write so well! Your Camille is the cutest little girl I have ever seen! Thanks for inspiring me today and to hold my little ones a little tighter!
This song is beautiful! Loved it, and thank you for sharing!
That was beautiful! Thank you for sharing it, with the slide show. Your blog has become my daily dose of inspiration. Thank you.
Beautiful...just beautiful!!
Oh Stephanie! Tears are rolling. Such a special tender song that hits the spot. That is so sweet of her to write that song. Absolutely beautiful!
I have to also comment to anonymous who wrote about her miscarriage.
Please know that there are people that grieve for you and if we knew you would grieve with you. If you have gone through all of this alone, you are not around the right people in life.
You have every right to mourn and be saddened by the loss of your child as anyone would. Those that tell you or make you feel you should "get over it," need to get over themselves.
I hope you can find people to surround yourself with that validate your feelings and bring you comfort. You deserve that. I hope one day you'll realize that you aren't the one in the wrong.
I happened upon your blog while being snoopy. I have been bawling since I started to read your posts. I don't think that all these people just happen to find your blog by mistake. Thank you for your inspiration and example.
I will cherish my baby boy every minute of every day.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
I found your blog through many others'. I cry everytime I read. I wrote about your amazing family. Your amazing strength as a woman and mom and wife. You inspire me no matter what you are feeling. I am thankful that you are unafraid to post. I pray for you every morning.
I hope that time will heal wounds but heartache will keep you on an edge that forever makes you stronger!
Thank you for being so willing to talk about everything your familly is feeling, seeing, talking about and remembering!
~DeAnna
Stephanie,
I got your blog address from a friend of Caroyln's and have thoroughly benefitted from your writings. I too lost a child, this past February and have been working through my grief. A friend has been working on a grief recovery program (www.storybooks4healing.com) that I wanted to suggest to you. I'm not completely through the workbook, but found it to be very helpful.
I really appreciate your thoughts, feeling, and emotions, and your willingness to share them. I certainly identify with plenty, and it's helpful to know others are experiencing them just as I do.
Also, I noticed you commented on Molly's blog (Lucy). A different friend referred me there and I noticed you commented. I've been reading hers and yours and find it so strange there's a link between the two of you as well.
Monica
I abolutely loved it. I hope that one day I may be an angel in the sky and witness the re-uniting of you and your sweet baby girl.
I wanted to share an experience with you. My little 3 year old girl came into the room while I was looking at your blog. She saw a picture of you on one of your posts and asked me who you were? I told her your name was Stephanie and that you were a mommy like me. Then she saw the photo of Camille on the side column and asked who the little girl was? I told my daughter that her name is Camille. She asked me if Camille "talked"? I told my daughter that she does talk, but that she lives with Heavenly Father now. And then my little 3 year old daughter said.."I bet Heavenly Father is so proud of her." I could only answer a quiet "yes, I know He is." I hope that was my place to share that with you. I want to thank you for not only touching my life but the life of my little ones as well.
that was truly beautiful and inspiring. she has the perfect voice for that song. soft and tender, i loved it. how special that it was written just for you ;) you are amazing and stronger than i will ever be. don't worry, i am positive you will get your kiddie cup drawer in your mansion!
What an absolutely beautiful song! Thank you for sharing the wonderful pictures of your family along with that song. Stephanie, you have been such a strength and comfort to me thru your blog. I'm sure it's not always easy to share what's in your heart, but I want you to know how grateful I am for your words (and the Spirit that accompanies them)
Charlotte
Wow. Just beautiful. No tissues around, so tears are falling on my sweet 5 day old's face. You have so many people thinking & praying for you....
Oh, what a beautiful song Steph!!! How lucky are you to have someone so talented come into your life at a time when you truly needed it!! It is amazing how the Lord so often uses those around us to comfort us. You are ALWAYS in our hearts and prayers!!
BIG HUGS,
Julie
Just beautiful
Amazingly beautiful, and I thought her voice was perfect. You were right about the tissues! What a great memento to cherish!
From my limited perspective, it is so amazing to see how the Lord has been so (mercifully) aware of you throughout this whole experience. First, that you were inspired, literally inspired, to start this blog weeks before Camille died so that you would have it to work through your own grief, as well as for others to be inspired by your faith and testimony, not to mention the gifts and talents (like this beautiful song) that have been contributed to help you and all those who are grieving with you. Second, that your entire family was able to be there to say goodbye to Camille before she passed away in the hospital. What a tender blessing. And last but probably most important, that you already had in place the knowledge and sure testimony of the resurrection, the plan of salvation and the doctrine concerning the death of children before the age of accountability. Steph, you know you are going to see Camille again!!! Even through those days of intense sorrow where every breath takes effort and your heart feels like it is being rubbed against sandpaper--for no one would ever deny you the pain of your suffering--there is that underlying knowledge and the peace it brings that you have been so eloquently able to share with others. If it's all part of the plan, like you said--and I believe it is--than the Lord certainly has been mindful of you as you have been so instrumental in bringing so many to Him. I am one of many who love you for it.
(Doctrine and Covenants 97:8)
"what we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love becomes a part of us"
-helen keller
I have never lost a child Stephanie but my heart aches for you & your family when I read your blog. Your attitude is amazing, & even with the knowledge we have of the truth, I don't know if I could be as strong as you. What an inspiration. Oh my.
I love the beautiful, sad feeling that I have when I mourn with you. It is SO sad, but the love that is felt through the compassion that we have as mothers is healing, I believe. That song was beautiful. I have 4 boys, and my second son passed away just 3 years ago on July 4th, at 3yrs. I miss the feelings that I had during my most difficult times, as if the Savior was carrying me, as I'm sure you have felt. It's so comforting that our Savior loves us so much that he will give us a "little more" when we are struggling through something like this. Thank you for your inspiration.
www.caringbridge.org/ut/evanmartin
Hi Stephanie... I heard about your blog through the grape vine and have spent the past hour reading all your posts and crying for your family and Camille. My heart hurts for you and your family, but I want you to know that my testimony has been strengthened by reading yours. Thank you for sharing your story and experience. I wish you all the best and will be praying for your family.
I have been reading your blog for hours and my hear aches for your family. I have listen to this song over and over. I think it is the most beautiful song I have ever heard.
I too am the mother of four beautiful daughters. My youngest is almost 1 year old and will have a minor surgery in about a month. In a deep place in my heart I have been so scared that we will loose her during the operation, I have scarcely let the thought enter my mind for fear of it becoming reality. Reading your blog has been an answer to my prayers. I have cried as the spirit has overcome me at your loss but also because the spirit has filled my soul with tender love and peace. The Lord is truly using your family to touch others. Thank you for being so willing to open your heart and soul to the world through your amazing faith and valiant testimony. I know that the Lord loves us and will support us through our trials.
What an amazing gift to receive! Shelley is so talented and truly inspired. Thank you for sharing it.
Thank you for your incredible example of pure faith and your testimony of the Atonement of Christ. Thank you for sharing your experiences and your strength with so many others. I can not begin to imagine your heartache. My heart breaks as I read what you are going through. We will pray for you and your sweet family.
I would like to respond to "anonymous" who lost her daughter. I also had a great loss. My son was born at 20 weeks. He had a perfect, little body. There was nothing visibly wrong with him, but he only needed to come to this earth to get a body. It was a complete shock. I don't care what the world says. I call this a stillborn. There was life in my baby, and then it was gone. I also felt sad that I couldn't have known him, even for a short time. The pictures that I have are not those that could be put in a scrapbook because he died a couple of weeks before he was born. I know for a fact that he is a part of our family, and I will see him again. We did have a funeral for our child, just as we would any of our other children. I don't ever visit the grave, though because I know that he is in heaven. My husband was a rock through all of this. Even though he also mourned, he didn't fall apart because I needed him to be there for me. It is hard for a man to understand as well as the woman who felt her baby moving inside. There is a bond there that the man was not fortunate to share. You are not a horrible person. You are suffering a great loss. It leaves such a big hole that no one can understand unless they have gone through it themselves. To get through the grief, I started sewing, and I don't even know how to sew. It was good to keep my mind off of things in the most emotional months that followed. I couldn't look at another baby for a while. I desperately wanted another child to fill the void. I must admit that I am lucky that I had five children previous to this loss, and they were a big comfort to me. I became pregnant soon after (2½ months later). I did not let myself become attached. At my first appointment, the baby was a little small, and the heartbeat was slow. At 10 weeks, I delivered the baby at home. I was willing to give it one more try, but I was emotionally shot. I waited a couple more months and became pregnant again. I was a wreck through the entire pregnancy. In addition to all of the sickness for nine months, I was worried. I needed a positive ending. I had the doctor induce me a day early because I wanted to make sure that he would be okay. My son was born, and everything was okay. I still think about my son, who was born three years ago. I miss him, but I know that he is in good hands.
Stephanie,
This song has special meaning to me as well. I can't count the number of times I've listened to it on your site. I'm wondering if it is possible to get a copy of the audio file somehow from either you or Shelley. I'd be more than happy to pay for it. I have an email address listed on my blogger profile.
You don't know me, I was visiting my friend Monica's blog and she had a link that sent me to yours. I saw the slideshow and tears filled my eyes. Camille is a beautiful girl, and my heart goes out to you and your sweet family. Thank goodness we know that we can see and be with our loved ones again.
Stephanie -- you are such an inspiration to me. Your faith is such an example of the way we all should be in times of trial. I received a call today from my cousin who thought I was your "anonymous." She explained to me that the mother had lost a child at 23 weeks to similar circumstances, husband wasn't LDS, etc. and I had to tell her it wasn't me. I haven't met anyone else in this same situation and have to extend to her my condolences for her little girl -- who is very real. I had my son at 22 weeks (he had Trisomy 18, which gave him less than 10% chance of survival after birth) and he was stillborn. He was very real and very much mine. I named him Jacob and was able to have a funeral for him. During that time, there were many things that happened that let me know he would be mine in the eternities -- IF I lived worthily. Stephanie -- I love how you described that. Wanting to be as pure as Camille. I feel the same way. I did have another child before him and that helped me through so much of what I had to deal with. He saw things through different eyes. He saw his brother in our home a few times and my husband even believes that really happened (he's not LDS). That pushed me through the worst part of my grief -- knowing that Jacob was with me (a testimony to me that he will be mine again).
Anonymous -- Heavenly Father loves us and will make it right in heaven. Your baby was so special to get to skip over all the terrible stuff in this world. Find your peace in that. Husbands don't grieve the way we do -- especially non-LDS ones. Don't cast your pearls before swine. You can't talk about angel babies with just anyone. Some people just don't understand. Don't be angry with them because of that. We all have trials that are specific for us. You will get your chance to raise your little girl. Talk to her about it. Ask her for comfort. I do believe they are able to provide that for us. Contact me if you want to talk.
Stephanie -- I look forward to reading your blogs and healing with you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and testimony. You're amazing!
Sincerely,
Jolene
I would like to know if the author of that song plans to record it and sell it? I'm sure there are many that would love to put pictures to the song like you did, for the person they lost. truly beautiful.
RhondaLue30@yahoo.com
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