Prayers getting longer

Ever had a season of you life when it seems like your prayers just keep getting longer because you keep adding people to pray for every day? I was feeling like that last night on my knees. I was going through all the people I know of who are suffering in one way or another and praying for each of them individually. Some of these people I have been praying about for years. Others are new urgent additions.

I know none of their issues are going to be solved overnight. But I also know all too well the power of people praying for you when you are suffering. It is a power not to be underestimated. And so I keep praying for these people, my family and friends, and sometimes even strangers.

Last night the list seemed to be getting rather long and the weight of sorrow and sympathy in my heart seemed to be growing heavy. It was then that I was reminded once again that there is One who carries all these burdens with them.

And I wondered at it... at HIM! He knows all the hidden and secret problems and sorrows of us all. And He has suffered them all with us and for us.

I know He has the power to lift each of us up out of the deep.

So, I turned my concerns and sorrows for myself and those for whom I pray over to Him.

And I thanked Him once again.

My Funny Valentine

Dearest Camille,

Today our family gathered in the family after scriptures and I handed out valentine's cards I had made for each of my kids. I thought of you when I was making them. I had a cute piece of paper ready to write you a card too. But I decided to write your card on this blog instead. Sending my words out across the nebulous expanse of the cyber world feels a little more like getting them out to you than holding a piece of paper in my hand.

My heart aches to be with you and hold you and tell you how much I love you in person dearest. I want to thank you for helping us grow so much as a family and for helping us remember what is important in this life.

In each of the other girls valentine's card, I told them how I loved their talents. I look forward to the days when I can get to know your talents more fully and know you more fully as a person. As your brothers grow and I now that they are leaving the baby stage I think of you often as my baby still waiting.

One day I will hold your little baby girl self again and I will squeeze your little thigh and kiss your cute poochie lips. I will watch your grow and learn and hear the amazing things you will tell me. And I will learn from you. One day.

I love you to the deepest part of my soul,
Mama

Why I Believe

A friend of mine started posting a series of essays by her friends and family members on her blog. Each essay is on the topic "Why I Believe." I have read several of the essays she has collected and really enjoyed reading each persons individual journey. Today I had a free afternoon so I wrote my own essay for her collection. I am glad to have recorded some of the experiences I share in my essay that I don't think I have ever written down. Writing this was a great experience for me. If you have any inclination to write your own "Why I Believe" essay, I would encourage you to take some time and do it. Keep it for yourself and your family, submit to my friend for her collection, or share it with the world, it is just good to record it. I shared mine with my friend and it will be on her blog. I wanted to share it with all of you too.

Why I Believe

By Stephanie Waite

I was born and raised by faithful life-long members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. So, in my childhood they taught me about Jesus and my Heavenly Father. I was taught the doctrines of repentance and faith and choosing the right. Eventually, when I turned 8, I was baptized.

Many might believe that this teaching and training by parents are my reason for believing. And I will say that their efforts in parenting are what guided me to my belief. But my parents teaching is not why I believe today.

I believed my parents when I was a child. But, I did not really live their teachings very well. I was a naughty kid. I am not saying that lightly. I mean, it is just the truth. I was not really kind to my friends. I hurt them physically frequently. I was stubborn and selfish and insecure.

I believed the LDS church was true because I had been taught that. But, I didn’t know it for myself. I was going to church every week and all that, but my heart had not been converted.

As my childhood turned to adolescence, I may have stopped scratching my friends and acting out but I found other ways to get attention from my peers. By the time I was 13 I had been going to our youth program for a year and had felt the Spirit on more than one occasion. I knew I needed to be better and I was trying.

Shortly before I turned 14, I started going to seminary, a before school class where you study the scriptures. I had an amazing teacher who had a huge impact on my life (thank you to Garth Tesch.) I began reading my scriptures on my own everyday.  I had made some good new friends and had really begun to change.

During that year, I had been trying to get one of my best friends, who was a member of our church but not really active, to come with me to seminary.  She had come a couple of times and told me she felt the Spirit there. I knew deep down that this was a good thing for her and I really wanted her to come with me. I had spent a lot of time and effort trying to encourage her to join me. I felt so happy that she was feeling the Spirit there.

Two days later, my friend called me one night. I was sitting in my parents’ study looking at a picture of the Savior they had there. I was alone. My friend told me excitedly that she had sneaked out of a church activity with a boy and done some things they ought not to have done. She was bragging about it. I was crushed. I was so hurt that she would go do these things after feeling the Spirit and all the work I had been doing to help her get back to church. (I did mention I was selfish right?)

But as I listened to her, what could I say. Was I any less guilty than she? No. My own sins, as I knew them to be, were beyond what she had just told me. I could say nothing. I hung up the phone and the wheels of my mind started turning.

If I was this hurt by what she did. How hurt would my parents be if they knew all that I had done? After all, they had been working my whole life to bring me into the church. Geez, how hurt must my future children be. How disappointed in me must they feel. They surely have seen all my doings. They must be so bummed to be getting a mom who is such a sinner.

Then I looked up and saw the picture of the Savior looking at me.

He knows. He knows everything. And so does His Father. They have been working so hard to get me back to them and here I have been screwing it all up.

At this point, I got up and went into my bedroom. I spent the next three hours sobbing. I don’t think I can describe how low I felt to anyone who has not felt the full weight of their sins on their own back. But I felt them that night… keenly. They were overbearingly heavy on my shoulders. I wondered how I could live with the weight of them. I was so weighed down in sorrow that I felt I was not even worthy to utter a prayer.

Yet, praying is what I had been taught we were supposed to do to be forgiven. Still I shrank before my Maker knowing how I had hurt the Savior. I knew that what I was feeling, that weight of sin, was just a small drop of what he had felt in the Garden of Gethsemane. I was so very sorry to have caused Him such pain. How could I now ask anything from Him?

After three hours, I gathered my courage and knelt before my Maker. The only words I could think were, “Father, please… please forgive me.”

Immediately … and I mean immediately, all the weight was gone. It was lifted from my shoulders. I could feel it evaporate off of me. I was filled with a sense of love and peace that was beyond description. I knew that I had been completely forgiven for all those sins that had been weighing me down. I knew I was accepted of the Lord.

When evangelical Christians talk about being “born again,” I imagine this might be the kind of experience to which they are referring. I had been baptized years before, but that night I was truly born again. I felt changed in a mighty way. I knew exactly the weight of the burden the Savior had taken from me. I knew I would spend the rest of my life in His service in gratitude for His sacrifice for me.

This experience is why how I know that the Savior is real and that through His atonement He has the power to forgive sin.

Several months later, after spending a year reading about and studying the history of our church, I had another experience that gave me a solid testimony of the prophet Joseph Smith. I went on a trip to visit the church history sites. I had been praying for about a year to know for myself whether our church was really all it claimed to me- the only church with a fullness of the truth of the Savior’s gospel and led by the Savior himself through a prophet in our day.

One of our last stops was at the Sacred Grove where Joseph Smith went to ask God which church he should join. He recounts that in answer to his prayer, God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ appeared to him and told him that he should join none of the churches he had been considering. He was told that the Savior’s church was not on the Earth at that time but it would be restored to the Earth through him.

I was familiar with the story. But, I wanted to know for myself if it was true. So when the group leader gave us time to go find a spot and pray in that grove, I hoped for an answer. I was disappointed. I was so concerned by the mosquitoes buzzing around me that I was not able to focus very well on my prayer. After a short time, I gave up and found a friend and headed back to the visitor’s center where we were to gather for a testimony meeting.

During that testimony meeting, something amazing happened. It felt as if a veil was lifted off of my understanding and I felt my heart burning within me. I am not talking about heartburn, though it was a physical feeling. It felt like my heart was glowing embers of a fire. It didn’t hurt. It just felt so warm. Into my mind came scriptures I had read about the truth of spiritual things being witnessed by a burning of the bosom. I knew that was what I was feeling.

I also knew that it had been burning for a while but I had only just then, as the veil of my understanding was lifted, been able to recognize it. This told me that I had been having witnesses of the Spirit my whole life but I had not recognized them as such. I needed to be more aware to recognize them.

I shared my testimony and walked out of that room. I found comment cards in that visitor’s center and wrote myself a note. I wrote down how I felt. I told myself never to forget what I knew right then. I knew that Joseph Smith was a prophet, that he really did have the vision he claimed to have, and that the Book of Mormon was a true book of scripture. It followed logically to me that if Joseph Smith was a prophet and the Book of Mormon was true then this church he restored must also be what it claimed to be.

I wrote on those cards, “I know it and I know God knows that I know it.” I am bound by that witness. I am committed. I am all in.

Beyond these experiences of my youth, I have had countless manifestations both big and small of the Spirit guiding me and working in and through me in my life. I have felt the Spirit as I read the scriptures, including and especially the Book of Mormon. I have had prayers answered in miraculous ways. I have seen the Lord’s hand in the workings of the church. I have been physically healed in a powerful and immediate way by a priesthood blessing given when I had pneumonia in college. I have had witness after witness of the truth of the doctrines of the church as I have put them to the test by living them.

In my adult life, I have been faced with trials that test faith. I have had doubts enter my mind that could derail me from my faith if I let them. They are small things, inconsistencies I could focus on, questions I can’t find answers to, or historical things I just don’t understand about the church, its doctrine or some of the leaders.

But the fact remains that I know what I have felt. When I am faced with those questions, trials, or doubts I choose to believe.

Never was this choice more poignant than when my daughter drowned. Here I was, doing all I could to follow the Savior and choose the right. And one day as I am sitting 10 yards away inside my house, my 14 month old is drowning outside in our spa. I had received warning promptings to prevent bad things from happening before. Yet on this day, it was as if there was total radio silence from heaven.

God did not stop that bad thing from happening. And as we fasted and prayed for her to recover, she only got worse. We only felt peace when we prayed “thy will be done” and turned her over to the Lord’s care.

After she died, religion didn’t help they way you think it should. It didn’t feel the way I had been taught it would feel. I didn’t feel the Spirit comforting me. All I felt was pain and loss and sick to my stomach at the nightmare that was my reality.

That is how it felt at that time. And in those circumstances, I made a conscious decision to believe anyway. Now as I look back, I can see how the Lord was with us. I can feel how we were surrounded by the Spirit and angels were ministering to us daily. I read my writings from that time and feel the Spirit that was all through me at that time. But, I was unable to feel it then over the overwhelming pain I was experiencing.

I later heard Elder Scott, a modern day apostle who had lost 2 of his own children, say that trying to feel the spirit after great loss or grief is like trying to appreciate the delicate flavor of a grape after eating a jalapeño pepper. His analogy was perfect.

Five and a half years later, I see how much my life has been blessed and how my family and I have grown in ways we could not have without Camille’s death. I have seen people join the church and grow closer to God by reading about our experience. I may not like it, but there was a purpose in her passing that was within the Lord’s wisdom.

To this day, if ever I read or hear something that makes me doubt. I step away and choose to believe. Believing makes me happy. It gives me hope. It helps me survive.

I feel like losing my daughter was like me stepping out of the boat like Peter did to walk on the water. I have felt everyday since then has been a miracle of me walking on the figurative water. As long as I keep my eye focused on what I know (and that is that the Savior loves me and is guiding me home) I am okay. I dare not take my eye off of Him and be distracted by the storm around me. It is too bleak, too dark. I survive and thrive only by keeping my eye on the Savior. I choose to believe and He keeps me afloat.

I believe. 

To read more essays on this topic, visit my friend Laura Laurent's blog HERE and click on the tab "Why I Believe." You can even submit your own essay if you like.

The Fog of TIme - An Update 5.5 years out

I just woke from a very vivid dream - a nightmare. In it I found Harrison floating in a pool and I pulled him out to do CPR and mouth to mouth just as I did on Camille. It was Harrison in my dream. At least that is what my brain told me, but now that I am awake with the images burning in my brain, it was really Camille. It wasn't my almost three year old little boy. It was my sweet nearly bald baby girl. Mercifully in this nightmare, she came too.

I have been thinking I wanted to do an "update" on where I am at 5.5 years out. And mostly I am doing really well. I feel like I am living a new chapter here in Dallas. I feel like enough pages have turned that I can appreciate fully the blessings that have come to my life from my tragedy. I can even feel thankful for those blessings and appreciate the necessity of the trial that produced them.

But, I still have nights like tonight. I still wake up to the reality that my worst nightmare is in fact my reality. I still miss her every day. The missing is not the same though. It is more distant. I can't remember her well enough anymore. It kills me to say that but it is just the truth. I don't remember the feel of her in my arms. It is hard to recall the feeling of presence.

Of course, right now, on the heels of that dream, she is closer. I remember right now. I feel as if I have just travel 5 years back into my past. I am tired and want to go back to sleep but I am scared to close my eyes and let my mind wander freely again. So I write to get the images out.

It was wonderful having my mom and dad visit last month for my birthday. But saying goodbye at the airport was so hard. Seeing them reminded me of all I left behind when we moved here. I didn't really appreciate the loss of living close to them when we moved because they had been living in Africa for a year and I was used to them being half a world away. And even when they returned, I was so used to a phone relationship that the loss didn't hit me.

But as I held my mother before she had to go get on the plane, it did hit. And I cried. I remembered how nice it was to be able to see them whenever I wanted and the joy of just having them in my presence brings me. In that moment I felt the love and wonderful feelings of all those I left in Las Vegas. I remembered and I mourned.

And so it goes with this whole grieving thing. Most of the time I am fine. I miss her but with a dull missing fogged over by years of time. But once in while, something slices through the fog of time and brings me right back to my early days of grief and I am left to mourn.

My birthday

Look who showed up to surprise me for my birthday! Best birthday presents ever!!! I had no idea they were coming. My mom kept telling me she was too tired to travel and they would just come when they felt better (which I thought could be months from now.) 

Saturday my sister in law told me she had a present for her kids she wanted to hide in my garage she wanted me to come open the garage so I could help her bring it in. I opened the garage and these two were there all smiles.

We will be having a great week together so if I don't post as often, that's why.

39 is awesome!!!

My dad.

I know I am repeating here but you know how my dad fixes my problems? Yea. Did it again today. 1200 miles away and over the phone talked me through getting my Christmas lights to work again (the outlet they were plugged into stopped working) on a house he has never seen.

Morgan Harris is the Boss!

Home

I am glad my parents are home safe from their mission. It is very nice to be able to talk to my mom in real time without worrying about their internet or power going out.  :-)

Sabrina

I might have posted about her already in my thankful posts but I am again thankful for my daughter Sabrina. She leads the way in our family. She is such a good girl and so helpful to me in so many ways. She is a gift to me in every way. I am blessed beyond measure to have such a wonderful daughter. I am grateful for her and that she hasn't (fingers crossed here ... yet) turned into a raging hormonal teenager.

I love you Saby!!!

Noble update

I am grateful noble is feeling "much more better."

NO SCREENS - Noble update

I am so grateful for this challenge. It has really made me step it up personally to be a better me. This week we are limited to 25 minutes of personal screen time (that includes blogging.) So I will be writing short or in a paper gratitude journal this week.


UPDATE on Noble**************************

I have asked about meningitis extensively. The doctor is pretty sure it isn't that. But we are taking the antibiotics just in case. But he said kids with that aren't up and playing in the snow like Noble is and they don't normally have swollen lymph nodes like Noble does. Since it takes a spinal tap to confirm and that is really traumatic he said he wouldn't recommend that unless he gets worse.

As for the one tale tale sign that Noble has (the painful neck thing.) He said it is likely being caused by the nodes. They are painful to the touch to Noble so it hurts look up because it squeezes the nodes in his muscles of his neck. He doesn't have any of the other symptoms of meningitis.

Today, his nodes seem a little smaller to me and he says it hurts less to move his head. He still has a fever and is more whiney than normal but other than that he is up and playing. I am hoping we are going to be feeling all better soon.

Snow or Ice? Bacteria or Virus?

This is the view I woke up to this morning. I slept up in the boys rooms first with Harrison from 1-3 then with Noble from 3-9. 

Noble has some crazy sickness. He has been complaining about his neck hurting all week. Yesterday he was in so much pain he couldn't stop crying and I discovered he also had a fever. 

I took him to the doctor and they tested for strep, mono, and did a CBC. The first two were negative but his white blood cell counts are elevated and his lymph nodes are swollen big and are painful to touch. He also couldn't turn his head or look up.

They have him 2 heavy duty shots of antibiotic and told me to come back tomorrow so they could check his blood again.

Last night we had freezing rain. It looks like snow out there but it is actually like a big solid sheet of ice all over. Only one of the doctor's offices was open due to the weather and it is 7 miles away.

So with great trepidation I headed out to ice skate my car to the doctor.

Very few people brave the roads in this kind of weather. Jon's flight was cancelled and he was told to work from home.

We made it safely to the doctor without too much trouble. Unfortunately the antibiotics didn't work. Nobles white blood cell count was higher today and his lymph nodes are still huge and his neck still hurts and he still has a fever.

The doctor said it was probably some crazy virus. He gave us a antibiotic to take just in case and told us to watch him and come back if he gets any worse.

So we are waiting and watching.

I am grateful for modern medicine even though they haven't figured everything out yet.

I am also grateful for the beauty of this snowy icy day.

Christmas lights beneath  light the hard packed ice.

Ice storm

I am grateful for the ice storm that will be forcing some quality family time tomorrow. I hope everyone can stay home and stay safe!

Jonathan

I am thankful for my husband in so many ways and for so many reasons. Here are 40 of them. :-)

1 He is intelligent.

2 He is interesting.

3. He is sensitive to my feelings.

4. He strives to do what is right.

5. He makes me laugh.

6. He has a cute bum.

7. He is creative.

8. He values people far more than things.

9. He is thrifty.

10. He loves and honors his mother and father.

11. He makes me want to be a better person.

12. He makes great avocado shakes.

13. He has nice hands.

14. He loves to read.

15. He is curious.

16. He is a verifier.

17. He plays beautiful music on the piano and a little on the guitar.

18. He is a hard worker.

19. He appreciates the arts.

20. He loves babies.

21. He has just the right amount of ambition.

22. He has beautiful eyes.

23. He likes to travel.

24. He is a wonderful father.

25. He has great gospel insights.

26. We are equally yoked in every way.

27. He helps me around the house when he's home.

28. His children adore him.

29. He makes me feel beautiful.

30. He even loves my ugly parts.

31. He is strong.

32. He isn't a push over.

33. He usually lets me win arguments. :-)

34. He is supportive of my dreams and desires.

35. He is a good example to me of sticking to a good routine.

36. He is reasonable.

37. He has a solid and deep testimony of the gospel and especially of the Atonement.

38. He is a great provider for our family.

39. He is a faithful, worthy, and humble priesthood holder.

40. He loves me, the good and the bad, all-in, devotedly.

Wind chimes

The former owner of our house left behind some wind chimes in the back yard. I have never owned wind chimes before. Now they feel like the sound track of our lives here. I love them!

I am thankful for the wind chimes that sweetly remind me that life is magical.

Whoa! It's December!

This year was a quick turn around between Thanksgiving and the holiday gift scrambling madness. I can't believe it is already December. 

Today I am grateful for wonderful new friends. One of my friends here has agreed to a kid swapping system that will let each of us have a few free hours a week to Christmas shop, go to the temple, or do whatever else we need. I am going to go get some shopping done.

Maybe I'll even find something for Jon? 

Modern Transportation

Despite the traffic jam we are enjoying right now, I am grateful for our modern transportation that allows us air conditioning and heat while we travel great distances in a relatively short span of time.

It is through the blessings that we are able to spend time with family on holidays. We had a fabulous time with our family in Memphis. I am grateful to have them close enough to drive and visit. We miss them already!

A Beautiful Season

Fall in Dallas has been a wonder of color and bipolar weather. I have enjoyed living in a place where I really get to see the colors of the season again. It makes me think Fall is my favorite season. But then, I haven't seen Spring in Dallas yet.

This has also been a beautiful season of life for me. My anxiety over the boys safety is lessening as they leave the "put things in my mouth" stage and are getting to understand it is not safe to just escape the house and run in the street.  Most night they sleep through the night.

But I haven't quite hit full teen drama with Sabrina yet either. My kids are young and simple and pure and safe for now. This is a beautiful season. I don't know how long it will last but it makes me think it is perhaps my favorite season. But then, I haven't experienced those many seasons yet to come yet either. 

But for today, I am grateful for the beauty of the season in in.

Thanksgiving Feast

I am grateful for having days of plenty... Plenty of food, plenty of love, and plenty of warmth.

This year we traveled to Memphis to be with Jon's brother and sister in law Aaron and Carolyn. Aaron smoked a couple of turkeys. They were the best turkeys I've ever had. 

We made all my favorite sides and pies. It was a great feast!

Two year old

The other day I took Harrison to the doctor. She was doing her exam and needed to look at his throat. She asked him to stick out his tongue. He just looked at her puzzled. She kept explaining that she needed him to stick out his tongue out so she could see his throat.

Finally she went to go get a tongue depressor. Then Harrison stuck out his elbow and said "Dare it is!"

"No silly, that is your elbow!" I said. Then I showed him his tongue and he stuck it out. 

I love two year olds! I am grateful I have one.

Breathing

As a person with asthma, I am grateful for every time I can take a good deep breath and let it out without any wheezing or coughing. My little boys are both coughing and wheezing today and it just makes me glad I am not.