Individual Worth #3
On Instagram and in person I did things to build others up. It was particualarly wonderful to reach out to lots of old friends and tell them things I love about them. I feel lots of great feelings about other people that I never get the opportunity to express. There just isn't enough time in the day. But it was nice to carve some out specifically for that purpose.
This has also helped me be a better mother. Often I can be like the monkey mom who is always picking at her kids to clean them up and make them better. That is part of mothering, but it should be a smaller part than the building them up part. And I find that building them has a better effect than pointing out weaknesses or flaws to improve.
Seeing my children and others in the favorable light of pointing out their great qualities reminds me to treat myself the same way and not get down on myself for my many flaws. Rather I can focus my energy into doing well at what I can. And when I fail, I can brush it off as a practice and try again.
Tuesday, May 21, 2019
Peacemaker
Divine Nature #6 and #7
I have been praying each morning for help to be a peacemaker. It is crazy how something so simple really does help. It's like Moses holding up the brazen serpent. Sometimes we think a think is too small and it won't really help. But prayer is powerful - simple but powerful.
I am not going to say that I kept the peace for the last 2 weeks in our home. Let's be real. There have been arguments and yelling and some of that has included me. But praying for help to be a peacemaker and focused my energy more fully to that task. Combining that with the other attributes I have been praying to have for other personal progress experiences has exponentially helped me to be a better mom. Not a total makeover, just subtle improvements that I notice.
Our home feels more like heaven when it is filled with peace. Our Father is a God of Peace. I feel Him most in times when my soul feels peace. Or perhaps it is He that brings the Peace. I aspire to be like Him in that. To be a bringer of Peace.
Matthew 5:9 "Blessed are the Peacemakers; for they shall be called the children of God"
When we are peacemakers we are showing our divine ancestry. Thus we are called the children of God because we are being like our Father, the King of Peace, and his Son, the Prince of Peace. It is in all of us to bring peace. Sometimes that is as simple as holding our tongue or changing the subject. There are very few things worth fighting over. Most of our daily greivances are not on that list.
I have been praying each morning for help to be a peacemaker. It is crazy how something so simple really does help. It's like Moses holding up the brazen serpent. Sometimes we think a think is too small and it won't really help. But prayer is powerful - simple but powerful.
I am not going to say that I kept the peace for the last 2 weeks in our home. Let's be real. There have been arguments and yelling and some of that has included me. But praying for help to be a peacemaker and focused my energy more fully to that task. Combining that with the other attributes I have been praying to have for other personal progress experiences has exponentially helped me to be a better mom. Not a total makeover, just subtle improvements that I notice.
Our home feels more like heaven when it is filled with peace. Our Father is a God of Peace. I feel Him most in times when my soul feels peace. Or perhaps it is He that brings the Peace. I aspire to be like Him in that. To be a bringer of Peace.
Matthew 5:9 "Blessed are the Peacemakers; for they shall be called the children of God"
When we are peacemakers we are showing our divine ancestry. Thus we are called the children of God because we are being like our Father, the King of Peace, and his Son, the Prince of Peace. It is in all of us to bring peace. Sometimes that is as simple as holding our tongue or changing the subject. There are very few things worth fighting over. Most of our daily greivances are not on that list.
The Sacrament
Dinne Nature #4
For the past couple of weeks I have been focusing on keeping my baptismal covenants and really pondering them during the sacrament on Sundays. I will admit that staying focused during the whole sacrament blessing and passing time is a struggle for me. There have been times when it has been easier to focus my mind completely. But those times have been polar for me. I find in times of great trial or great joy it is easier for me to wholey focus.
But I don't think the Lord expects us to live always in polar times. He knows we will live great periods of our lives in valleys in the middle. I think this is WHY we are asked to focus once a week on these covenants. This is a time of practice and training. It is okay if we aren't perfect at focusing. It is only important that we try and keep trying.
When we lose focus and our grocery list pops in our head or a family member says something to us etc. We must refocus again. We just keep working at it. And as we do so we will have moments, even if brief and mild, when we feel the depth of the covenants we are renewing and have a glimpse of understanding given to us of what and who exactly was sacrificed so that we could have hope in this life and Eternal life in the world to come.
For the past couple of weeks I have been focusing on keeping my baptismal covenants and really pondering them during the sacrament on Sundays. I will admit that staying focused during the whole sacrament blessing and passing time is a struggle for me. There have been times when it has been easier to focus my mind completely. But those times have been polar for me. I find in times of great trial or great joy it is easier for me to wholey focus.
But I don't think the Lord expects us to live always in polar times. He knows we will live great periods of our lives in valleys in the middle. I think this is WHY we are asked to focus once a week on these covenants. This is a time of practice and training. It is okay if we aren't perfect at focusing. It is only important that we try and keep trying.
When we lose focus and our grocery list pops in our head or a family member says something to us etc. We must refocus again. We just keep working at it. And as we do so we will have moments, even if brief and mild, when we feel the depth of the covenants we are renewing and have a glimpse of understanding given to us of what and who exactly was sacrificed so that we could have hope in this life and Eternal life in the world to come.
Tuesday, May 7, 2019
Sexual Purity
Virtue #1
Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints covenant with God that they will refrain from sexual relations outside of the bounds of marriage between a man and a woman. That is one of the Lord's commandments. I will not go into a deep public dive on this subject. I don't feel inclined to be very public about a subject that is so personal.
This much I will share. I know from personal experience that keeping this commandment allows me to feel closer to my Father in Heaven and have his Spirit more abundantly in my life. I feel accepted and nutured by Him. Not keeping this commandment, causes a withdrawl of the Spirit and a spiritual regression of such magnitude it takes significant time and repentence to return to the spiritual place you started from. It is not a good feeling to have the Spirit withdraw from you after living years of having it as your constant companion.
Procreative acts and powers are sacred and ought to be treated as such in our thoughts, words and deeds. Whatever my personal beliefs or desires may be, I choose to live the covenants I have made with the Lord to the best of my ability. I encourage others to do the same.
That being said, I hold no judgement of those who make choices different from mine. Each of us must struggle to do our best according to the knowledge and light we are given in this life. I will not be the judge of anyone else.
Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints covenant with God that they will refrain from sexual relations outside of the bounds of marriage between a man and a woman. That is one of the Lord's commandments. I will not go into a deep public dive on this subject. I don't feel inclined to be very public about a subject that is so personal.
This much I will share. I know from personal experience that keeping this commandment allows me to feel closer to my Father in Heaven and have his Spirit more abundantly in my life. I feel accepted and nutured by Him. Not keeping this commandment, causes a withdrawl of the Spirit and a spiritual regression of such magnitude it takes significant time and repentence to return to the spiritual place you started from. It is not a good feeling to have the Spirit withdraw from you after living years of having it as your constant companion.
Procreative acts and powers are sacred and ought to be treated as such in our thoughts, words and deeds. Whatever my personal beliefs or desires may be, I choose to live the covenants I have made with the Lord to the best of my ability. I encourage others to do the same.
That being said, I hold no judgement of those who make choices different from mine. Each of us must struggle to do our best according to the knowledge and light we are given in this life. I will not be the judge of anyone else.
Monday, May 6, 2019
The Holy Ghost
Choice and Accountablity #5
Throughout my life, I have countless times prayed for direction as I make decisions. Sometimes, I must move forward with the choice I have mentally worked out will be best. Other times, I have been given clear direction about which way I should go from the Lord via the Holy Ghost. Many times, I have felt a nudging or a gentle stillness that sat more fully with me in thinking on one course of action over another. And then there have been times when every action and option feels wrong. In those times, I have learned to wait.
Perhaps it will be best if I just share an example of being led by the Spirit in a decision being made.
A couple of years ago I was leading the children's organization for my congregation (ward.) We sponsered a cub scout pack and had joined with another ward several years earlier to increase the number of boys in the program and split the work between the wards. Over the years our wards had grown in size and there were lots of boys in the scout program. There were still a few age groups with only 2-4 boys from each ward but most had at least 4-5.
Basically, we could have run the program combined or seperate sucessfully. We had stayed joined for a number of factors that were all great reasons including how much we loved having the boys get to know the kids their age from other wards so that they would know each other when they went to middle and high school together.
But the schools made a change in their start and end times and it left our two wards wanting to hold the scout den meetings at different times. I felt pretty strongly that the time the other ward wanted to meet would not be great for the families in my ward. But I also really appreciated the benefits of being combined.
I talked to the president of the other ward's children's group at length. She also felt strongly about when they had decided to meet. I studied out all the factors in my mind. I prayed about it. I still hadn't come to a clear answer.
Then I met with my presidency (2 counselors and a secretary.) We discussed all I had been mulling over and the my discussions with the other president. As we talked through the issue, it was as if a golden thread of peace and direction wove into our discussion and led us all to feel pulled into separating the two wards into separate dens. This peace settled on us so profoundly that I had no hesiation in calling the other president and telling her we had finally received our answer.
There were benefits that came from that decision. There were also some things lost. But in the end I know that spliting was right.
Oh that all decisions had answers that became so clear...
Throughout my life, I have countless times prayed for direction as I make decisions. Sometimes, I must move forward with the choice I have mentally worked out will be best. Other times, I have been given clear direction about which way I should go from the Lord via the Holy Ghost. Many times, I have felt a nudging or a gentle stillness that sat more fully with me in thinking on one course of action over another. And then there have been times when every action and option feels wrong. In those times, I have learned to wait.
Perhaps it will be best if I just share an example of being led by the Spirit in a decision being made.
A couple of years ago I was leading the children's organization for my congregation (ward.) We sponsered a cub scout pack and had joined with another ward several years earlier to increase the number of boys in the program and split the work between the wards. Over the years our wards had grown in size and there were lots of boys in the scout program. There were still a few age groups with only 2-4 boys from each ward but most had at least 4-5.
Basically, we could have run the program combined or seperate sucessfully. We had stayed joined for a number of factors that were all great reasons including how much we loved having the boys get to know the kids their age from other wards so that they would know each other when they went to middle and high school together.
But the schools made a change in their start and end times and it left our two wards wanting to hold the scout den meetings at different times. I felt pretty strongly that the time the other ward wanted to meet would not be great for the families in my ward. But I also really appreciated the benefits of being combined.
I talked to the president of the other ward's children's group at length. She also felt strongly about when they had decided to meet. I studied out all the factors in my mind. I prayed about it. I still hadn't come to a clear answer.
Then I met with my presidency (2 counselors and a secretary.) We discussed all I had been mulling over and the my discussions with the other president. As we talked through the issue, it was as if a golden thread of peace and direction wove into our discussion and led us all to feel pulled into separating the two wards into separate dens. This peace settled on us so profoundly that I had no hesiation in calling the other president and telling her we had finally received our answer.
There were benefits that came from that decision. There were also some things lost. But in the end I know that spliting was right.
Oh that all decisions had answers that became so clear...
Repentance
Choice and Accountability #4
The times in my life that I have most desperately needed to repent, I have gone back to remembering that it isn't some complicated thing. Repentance is change. But, change is rarely ever an easy thing. It is hard if it is forces upon us when our spirit is unwilling and it is sometimes even harder when our spirit is willing but our flesh is so darn weak.
I find that to really change ourselves, we need something more than the idea and knowledge of what we should do or be. We need help. Sometimes, we can find a motivating factor like fear or guilt or love is enough. Maybe we love our parents enough to change to be more the person they raised us to be. Or maybe we are scared enough of getting in another accident to transform our driving habits. Maybe we have enough guilt over watching some dumb show that wastes our time to stop.
But, often we need something more. Often we need the Savior's help to change. Certainly to fundamentally change our nature, we need the Savior. He is the one who can change the metaphorical water that we are into wine fit for a king. I have felt His changing power work in me. I have felt it in BIG ways that fundamentally change me. More frequently, I have felt it in the purification of the Spirit and the filling of my soul with love for all mankind and a desire to be all that He would have me be and show His love for others everyday in every way.
If only that feeling could last my whole life time. But we do not live in that kind of world. In our world, things always change. And those pure moments of transcendence degrade once more into chaos and it is our job as humans to work to change once more.
We must keep showering. The clean feeling after a shower only lasts so long before change happens and we are dirty and stinky once more. And so, into the shower we must go once more. This life is a perpetual cycle of change.
The times in my life that I have most desperately needed to repent, I have gone back to remembering that it isn't some complicated thing. Repentance is change. But, change is rarely ever an easy thing. It is hard if it is forces upon us when our spirit is unwilling and it is sometimes even harder when our spirit is willing but our flesh is so darn weak.
I find that to really change ourselves, we need something more than the idea and knowledge of what we should do or be. We need help. Sometimes, we can find a motivating factor like fear or guilt or love is enough. Maybe we love our parents enough to change to be more the person they raised us to be. Or maybe we are scared enough of getting in another accident to transform our driving habits. Maybe we have enough guilt over watching some dumb show that wastes our time to stop.
But, often we need something more. Often we need the Savior's help to change. Certainly to fundamentally change our nature, we need the Savior. He is the one who can change the metaphorical water that we are into wine fit for a king. I have felt His changing power work in me. I have felt it in BIG ways that fundamentally change me. More frequently, I have felt it in the purification of the Spirit and the filling of my soul with love for all mankind and a desire to be all that He would have me be and show His love for others everyday in every way.
If only that feeling could last my whole life time. But we do not live in that kind of world. In our world, things always change. And those pure moments of transcendence degrade once more into chaos and it is our job as humans to work to change once more.
We must keep showering. The clean feeling after a shower only lasts so long before change happens and we are dirty and stinky once more. And so, into the shower we must go once more. This life is a perpetual cycle of change.
Thursday, May 2, 2019
Divine Qualities of a Daughter of God
Divine Nature #1
As part of my uplifting others goal, I sent messages to a bunch of people on instagram yesterday. In one I noted how I could see the best attributes of the person's parents combined beautifully in her. Today I was reading the assigned scriptures and listing the divine attributes mentioned of a daughter of God. Each of us has seeds of divinity with in us. However it is up to us to discover these spiritual gifts and develop them and strive to develop those which do not come as easily to us.
One attribute that was mentioned in pretty much every selection of scriptures was charity. Faith was another big one too. I particularly liked reading 2 Peter 1 verses 4-7: "...by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escapted the corruption that is in the world through lust. And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; and to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience and to patience godliness; and to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity."
I loved this because it was like a stepping stone path. We can add these divine qualities to our natures by diligence. And it seems all these culminate in charity. I think charity involves so many other divine attributes like faith and virtue and kindness and humility. It is my greatest desire to be the kind of person who exudes charity. Maybe if I work on these other attributes it will better help me get there.
I do feel I have a pretty charitable heart, but I don't think I am very good at letting it shine out of me. I am gonna try to work on that. Smiling more and letting the love I feel for people shine out. Perhaps that will help me further develop this most precious divine attribute.
As part of my uplifting others goal, I sent messages to a bunch of people on instagram yesterday. In one I noted how I could see the best attributes of the person's parents combined beautifully in her. Today I was reading the assigned scriptures and listing the divine attributes mentioned of a daughter of God. Each of us has seeds of divinity with in us. However it is up to us to discover these spiritual gifts and develop them and strive to develop those which do not come as easily to us.
One attribute that was mentioned in pretty much every selection of scriptures was charity. Faith was another big one too. I particularly liked reading 2 Peter 1 verses 4-7: "...by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escapted the corruption that is in the world through lust. And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; and to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience and to patience godliness; and to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity."
I loved this because it was like a stepping stone path. We can add these divine qualities to our natures by diligence. And it seems all these culminate in charity. I think charity involves so many other divine attributes like faith and virtue and kindness and humility. It is my greatest desire to be the kind of person who exudes charity. Maybe if I work on these other attributes it will better help me get there.
I do feel I have a pretty charitable heart, but I don't think I am very good at letting it shine out of me. I am gonna try to work on that. Smiling more and letting the love I feel for people shine out. Perhaps that will help me further develop this most precious divine attribute.
Tuesday, April 30, 2019
He Knows Me
Individual Worth #1
In this personal progress experience I read several scripture passages where the Lord tells prophets that he knew them before they were born or where He calls them by name. He tells them they were forordained to do the work on the Earth that they are doing. (Psalms 8: 4-6; Jeremiah 1:5; John 13:34; Abraham 3:22-23; Doctrine and Covenants 18:10; Joesph Smith History 1:1-20.)
When we read the scriptures, it is most impactful if we can put ourselves into them. I like to think of myself as being in the place of the person writing the scripture. Surely, if the Lord knew Moses or Abraham or Joesph He also knows me. This is what these scriptures teach me.
But I also have had numerous experiences where I have felt that the Lord knew me specifically. He knows my joys and sorrows, my strengths and weaknesses. He knows what I need to be happy and to grow. He points me to things that will help me do that.
One example of this is my current project of doing Camille's Personal Progress. I wrote that I had felt in a sort of slump in my first post on Keep the Faith (which I wrote right after I decided to do Cami's Personal Progress but before I decided to journal all the journal entries on the blog.)
The next morning I dove head long into doing this Personal Progress thing. I wrote like 4 posts that day and completed nearly all my Faith experiences. I only have to share my testimony this Sunday to finish my Faith experiences. I have felt so uplifted and purpose filled. Doing this has completely taken me out of my slump. It has reminded me how important it is for me to journal and write. I have not been good about that the last 5 years. I have relied on Instagram to document my life. But I have missed journaling. I need to be better about that even when I am done with this current project.
I am grateful that the Lord knows me well enough to know what I need and that He gives me those gentle nudges to do that which will make me happy and fulfilled.
In this personal progress experience I read several scripture passages where the Lord tells prophets that he knew them before they were born or where He calls them by name. He tells them they were forordained to do the work on the Earth that they are doing. (Psalms 8: 4-6; Jeremiah 1:5; John 13:34; Abraham 3:22-23; Doctrine and Covenants 18:10; Joesph Smith History 1:1-20.)
When we read the scriptures, it is most impactful if we can put ourselves into them. I like to think of myself as being in the place of the person writing the scripture. Surely, if the Lord knew Moses or Abraham or Joesph He also knows me. This is what these scriptures teach me.
But I also have had numerous experiences where I have felt that the Lord knew me specifically. He knows my joys and sorrows, my strengths and weaknesses. He knows what I need to be happy and to grow. He points me to things that will help me do that.
One example of this is my current project of doing Camille's Personal Progress. I wrote that I had felt in a sort of slump in my first post on Keep the Faith (which I wrote right after I decided to do Cami's Personal Progress but before I decided to journal all the journal entries on the blog.)
The next morning I dove head long into doing this Personal Progress thing. I wrote like 4 posts that day and completed nearly all my Faith experiences. I only have to share my testimony this Sunday to finish my Faith experiences. I have felt so uplifted and purpose filled. Doing this has completely taken me out of my slump. It has reminded me how important it is for me to journal and write. I have not been good about that the last 5 years. I have relied on Instagram to document my life. But I have missed journaling. I need to be better about that even when I am done with this current project.
I am grateful that the Lord knows me well enough to know what I need and that He gives me those gentle nudges to do that which will make me happy and fulfilled.
Tithing
Faith #7
I have been paying a tithing of 10% of my income to the Lord for as long as I can remember. At certain times in my life this has been an easier thing for me to do. At other times, it has taken faith. One such time was when I was in law school. I moved to Washington D.C. with basically nothing. I had about $1500 when I graduated college and I spent most of that backpacking Eurpoe for a month. (Priorities right?)
So I took out loans to pay my first tuition and my dorms. My parents had supported me 100% through college but aside from paying my car insurance, I was esentially on my own financially. I was doing night school and looking for a job to help me pay for school so I wouldn't have to take out so many loans. I felt led to go to school at Georgetown and had faith that the Lord would make a way for me to pay for it.
My brother Morgan though I was crazy. He and my sister Lesli had driven the car my parents were letting me use out across the country to pick me up after I got back from Europe in NYC and drive me down to D.C. We were walking the streets of D.C. and he asked me why I was coming to school out here when I could have gone to University of Utah on a scholarship.
"You are gonna get married and have all this debt." He wasn't sure I would ever even practice. I told him I was gonna get a job to pay for it. He pointed out that as a public relations major, there was no way I was gonna get a job making enough money to pay for Georgetown tuition plus living in one of the most expensive cities in America.
After trying to justify my decision and him arguing with each of my points, I finally said, "listen, I know the Lord wants me out here. So He is going to make a way for me to pay for this."
He responded, "Okay, but you do understand that is the only reason you have given me that makes any sense right?"
Sometimes the Lord asks things of us that don't seem "reasonable." Anyway, I signed on with a temp agency while I looked for a job. The first gig I was assigned to was editor of a newsletter for a lobbyist. He liked my work. After a couple of weeks he offered me the job full time. He had also done Georgetown Law as a night student. He told me he didn't want me "eating Ramen" every night to get by and then offered me a salary twice what all my colleges at other publications were making. $36,000 a year. That was $1,000 more than my brother was making at his accounting job. :) I enjoyed calling to tell him my miraculous good news.
When I got home after that, I wrote out a budget. Before I started I figured I needed at least $100 a month to live. My housing and books and tuition was all paid in advance with loans. I wanted to save enough to cover my tuition for the next semester and only take out the subsidized Stafford loans that didn't accrue interest.
I started forming my budget and figured out how much I would need to put away each month to save for tuition. I factored in my tithing and a generous fast offering given my budget. After I deducted all my set expenses from my monthly net income, I was left with exactly $100 to spend on food and transportation. It was a sign to me. The Lord does provide, sometimes exactly what we need.
I did get married during law school and only worked for a year after school before I had Sabrina and quit. I ended up coming out of law school with only subsidized Stafford loans. (I think it was about $36,000 of debt. Tuition at that time was about $25,000 per year.) I was able to make enough money practicing law to pay off all my debt in 6 months, before it accrued any interest.
I attribute this financial miracle to faith, hard work, and paying a full tithe.
Jonathan and I have been through a few financially difficult times and times of unemployment. Even when we have lost everything, the Lord has always helped us find ways to regroup, find employment, or send helping hands to see us through. These are blessings of an honest tithe.
I have been paying a tithing of 10% of my income to the Lord for as long as I can remember. At certain times in my life this has been an easier thing for me to do. At other times, it has taken faith. One such time was when I was in law school. I moved to Washington D.C. with basically nothing. I had about $1500 when I graduated college and I spent most of that backpacking Eurpoe for a month. (Priorities right?)
So I took out loans to pay my first tuition and my dorms. My parents had supported me 100% through college but aside from paying my car insurance, I was esentially on my own financially. I was doing night school and looking for a job to help me pay for school so I wouldn't have to take out so many loans. I felt led to go to school at Georgetown and had faith that the Lord would make a way for me to pay for it.
My brother Morgan though I was crazy. He and my sister Lesli had driven the car my parents were letting me use out across the country to pick me up after I got back from Europe in NYC and drive me down to D.C. We were walking the streets of D.C. and he asked me why I was coming to school out here when I could have gone to University of Utah on a scholarship.
"You are gonna get married and have all this debt." He wasn't sure I would ever even practice. I told him I was gonna get a job to pay for it. He pointed out that as a public relations major, there was no way I was gonna get a job making enough money to pay for Georgetown tuition plus living in one of the most expensive cities in America.
After trying to justify my decision and him arguing with each of my points, I finally said, "listen, I know the Lord wants me out here. So He is going to make a way for me to pay for this."
He responded, "Okay, but you do understand that is the only reason you have given me that makes any sense right?"
Sometimes the Lord asks things of us that don't seem "reasonable." Anyway, I signed on with a temp agency while I looked for a job. The first gig I was assigned to was editor of a newsletter for a lobbyist. He liked my work. After a couple of weeks he offered me the job full time. He had also done Georgetown Law as a night student. He told me he didn't want me "eating Ramen" every night to get by and then offered me a salary twice what all my colleges at other publications were making. $36,000 a year. That was $1,000 more than my brother was making at his accounting job. :) I enjoyed calling to tell him my miraculous good news.
When I got home after that, I wrote out a budget. Before I started I figured I needed at least $100 a month to live. My housing and books and tuition was all paid in advance with loans. I wanted to save enough to cover my tuition for the next semester and only take out the subsidized Stafford loans that didn't accrue interest.
I started forming my budget and figured out how much I would need to put away each month to save for tuition. I factored in my tithing and a generous fast offering given my budget. After I deducted all my set expenses from my monthly net income, I was left with exactly $100 to spend on food and transportation. It was a sign to me. The Lord does provide, sometimes exactly what we need.
I did get married during law school and only worked for a year after school before I had Sabrina and quit. I ended up coming out of law school with only subsidized Stafford loans. (I think it was about $36,000 of debt. Tuition at that time was about $25,000 per year.) I was able to make enough money practicing law to pay off all my debt in 6 months, before it accrued any interest.
I attribute this financial miracle to faith, hard work, and paying a full tithe.
Jonathan and I have been through a few financially difficult times and times of unemployment. Even when we have lost everything, the Lord has always helped us find ways to regroup, find employment, or send helping hands to see us through. These are blessings of an honest tithe.
Monday, April 29, 2019
Promises at Baptism - Atonement
Faith #4 and #5
I take my baptismal covenants seriously. Probably because I have felt keenly the cleansing power of the Atonement in my life. I know what it feels like to suffer the pains of godly sorrow for your sins. It is not pleasant. Sure we may grow comfortable here on this Earth living in and among sin without much thought. But that is like being comfortable being dirty in a dirty place surrounded by dirty people. We grow used to what is around us and no longer see the dirt.
But I know that one day we will all be brought before the bar of God to be judged and in the presence of His holy cleanliness, the "dirt" from our sins will be all to apparent and painful to us. I have had an experience where I felt that pain and been shown the "dirt" from my sins. It was unbearably awful. Like I can't imagine having to live with that awareness and pain. I felt so bad, I felt unworthy to even pray.
Yet in the depths of that despair, I remembered how the Lord had commanded us to pray. He wanted us to turn to Him when we felt like that. I realized that it was Satan that didn't want me to pray. So I gathered all my strength and uttered a very simple, direct prayer. "Lord, please forgive me." The words were few but the feeling was deep and powerful and pleading.
In an instant, all those painful, uncomfortable, sorrowful feelings were wiped away and I was filled with joy and forgiveness and light. It was miraculous beyond anything words could adequately describe. I KNEW the Lord had forgiven me and I didn't need to worry about my past sins any longer.
I felt such gratitude to the Savior for bearing the weight of those sins and for suffering the punishment for them. I felt purchased. From that moment at the age of 14 on, I have not considered my life my own. For, I could not have lived under a consciousness of my guilt. My life was purchased almost 2000 years previously in the Garden of Gethsemene.
This is what I think of when I take the sacrament each Sunday now. I think of the debt He paid for me and thank Him for it by repenting anew and striving to recommit myself to doing my best to do His will and His work on this Earth for the remainder of my days. I take His name on me and promise to keep His commandments and I REMEMBER Him.
I take my baptismal covenants seriously. Probably because I have felt keenly the cleansing power of the Atonement in my life. I know what it feels like to suffer the pains of godly sorrow for your sins. It is not pleasant. Sure we may grow comfortable here on this Earth living in and among sin without much thought. But that is like being comfortable being dirty in a dirty place surrounded by dirty people. We grow used to what is around us and no longer see the dirt.
But I know that one day we will all be brought before the bar of God to be judged and in the presence of His holy cleanliness, the "dirt" from our sins will be all to apparent and painful to us. I have had an experience where I felt that pain and been shown the "dirt" from my sins. It was unbearably awful. Like I can't imagine having to live with that awareness and pain. I felt so bad, I felt unworthy to even pray.
Yet in the depths of that despair, I remembered how the Lord had commanded us to pray. He wanted us to turn to Him when we felt like that. I realized that it was Satan that didn't want me to pray. So I gathered all my strength and uttered a very simple, direct prayer. "Lord, please forgive me." The words were few but the feeling was deep and powerful and pleading.
In an instant, all those painful, uncomfortable, sorrowful feelings were wiped away and I was filled with joy and forgiveness and light. It was miraculous beyond anything words could adequately describe. I KNEW the Lord had forgiven me and I didn't need to worry about my past sins any longer.
I felt such gratitude to the Savior for bearing the weight of those sins and for suffering the punishment for them. I felt purchased. From that moment at the age of 14 on, I have not considered my life my own. For, I could not have lived under a consciousness of my guilt. My life was purchased almost 2000 years previously in the Garden of Gethsemene.
This is what I think of when I take the sacrament each Sunday now. I think of the debt He paid for me and thank Him for it by repenting anew and striving to recommit myself to doing my best to do His will and His work on this Earth for the remainder of my days. I take His name on me and promise to keep His commandments and I REMEMBER Him.
A Faith Strengthening Experience
Faith #3
I am glad to have the push to journal this experience which strengthened my faith.
In the spring of 2018, my family made the decision to move to San Antonio, Texas. My husband, after being unemployed for a year, got a job in San Antonio and had been commuting the 4-5 hour drive down from Flower Mound for a year. It looked like he liked the job and would be at it long term so we decided it was best to uproot the family to move down.
However, we had a big beautiful home in Flower Mound and lots of dear friends and a fantastic church congregation. None of us were eager to leave and we weren't sure the market would allow us to sell our home without us losing money on it. So, we decided to set a price on the home that would get us out breaking even and if we could sell for that amount, we would move. We hired a realtor, got the house prepped and put it on the market.
The house got an offer within a couple of weeks that was below our asking price but above the break even point we had set. We accepted the offer and started searching more diligently for a home in San Antonio. We looked at lots of home but couldn't find one we liked that met our needs.
A week or so into the process, our buyers backed out. We were disappointed, but had been having lots of traffic before we got that offer so we figured we would get another offer soon. We were wrong. Once we put our home back on the market, it was like crickets. Very few showings and none of them making offers.
Months passed. All this time, we are emotionally in limbo. We kept wondering if we would move or not. We couldn't make firm plans one way or another because we simply didn't know what the future held for us. I kept praying to enjoy the time we had there for as long as we had it and that if the Lord wanted us to move that He would help us find a buyer that could pay at least our break even price.
June came around and in the middle of June we decided to go down to San Antonio to spend a week with Jonathan. Just before we left, we got an offer on the house. Now we had recieved a couple of REALLY low ball offers that we rejected without hesitation in the weeks just previous to this but this offer, while lower than our break even price point, was worth considering.
The offer was within $10,000 of our break even price. We went back and forth with them trying to negotiate a price that would get us up to our break even point. The whole drive down to San Antonio, I was talking back and forth to my realtor and Jonathan about negotiations. By that evening it came down to a $3000 gap between what they were offering and our break even price.
Our realtor told us it was not very likely we would get a better offer since our house had been on the market so many months. But it was up to us. Jonathan was adamant that we stick to our guns and demand the break even price - which they had repeatedly refused to go to and had told us this offer was the best and final. He wanted to make sure they really wanted the house and weren't going to back out like the other offer we accepted. He felt, if they REALLY wanted the house, they shouldn't mind going up the $3000. He said he was willing to commute another year if needed.
So we said no to the offer. As we cleaned Jonathan's house in San Antonio that night I kept wondering if we were crazy. Was it really worth $3000 to have all this uncertainty and stress? Finally I told Jon, we need to pray about this. I mean we had been prayful but hadn't specifically knelt together to ask the Lord. So we paused in our cleaning and closed the bedroom door and knelt in prayer to ask the Lord if we should just accept the offer. Both of us got a fairly clear answer to just wait.
So we went forward, trusting our fate into the hands of the Lord. About 2 hours later, our realtor texted us to say the buyers were willing to go up the extra $3000. We texted back to tell her we were good with that. A minute later, she called us. She said she had just gotten a call from another interested party who had been through the house previously and wanted to see if we had any action on it. She had not yet responded to the buyers we had been negotiating with all day. It was after 10 pm at this point.
So we had her ask the second party if they wanted to put in an offer. They went to see the house again the next morning at 7 am and made an offer at 8 am for well above our break even price. We went back to the buyers we had been negotiating with all the previous day and let them know. They came back with an offer $10,000 higher than our break even price and that was more attractive as far as closing date and other things. We also had another party request a showing. We accepted the offer of the party we had long negotiated with and the party who requested a showing ended up putting in a full price back up offer the next day.
Meanwhile, that morning in San Antonio, we went to look at a few houses withour realtor down there. We finally found one that met our needs (after not finding one in a year of looking) and were able to make an offer that night which was accepted the next morning.
These 48 hours were miraculous to me. In all those months before, I was holding onto faith. I didn't know if the Lord would really have us move. The future is never certain. All I could do was try to Keep the Faith and believe and trust in the Lord and the answers to pray we felt He was giving us. I am so glad we followed the promptings we felt. More important than the extra money we got by doing so, we now have a more firm testimony that we are supposed to be here in San Antonio and in this house. That has been helpful as we have struggled to feel at home here and have sorely missed our friends, family, and life in Flower Mound. And this experience strengthened my faith that the Lord answers our prayers and that He will be there for us when we trust in Him.
I am glad to have the push to journal this experience which strengthened my faith.
In the spring of 2018, my family made the decision to move to San Antonio, Texas. My husband, after being unemployed for a year, got a job in San Antonio and had been commuting the 4-5 hour drive down from Flower Mound for a year. It looked like he liked the job and would be at it long term so we decided it was best to uproot the family to move down.
However, we had a big beautiful home in Flower Mound and lots of dear friends and a fantastic church congregation. None of us were eager to leave and we weren't sure the market would allow us to sell our home without us losing money on it. So, we decided to set a price on the home that would get us out breaking even and if we could sell for that amount, we would move. We hired a realtor, got the house prepped and put it on the market.
The house got an offer within a couple of weeks that was below our asking price but above the break even point we had set. We accepted the offer and started searching more diligently for a home in San Antonio. We looked at lots of home but couldn't find one we liked that met our needs.
A week or so into the process, our buyers backed out. We were disappointed, but had been having lots of traffic before we got that offer so we figured we would get another offer soon. We were wrong. Once we put our home back on the market, it was like crickets. Very few showings and none of them making offers.
Months passed. All this time, we are emotionally in limbo. We kept wondering if we would move or not. We couldn't make firm plans one way or another because we simply didn't know what the future held for us. I kept praying to enjoy the time we had there for as long as we had it and that if the Lord wanted us to move that He would help us find a buyer that could pay at least our break even price.
June came around and in the middle of June we decided to go down to San Antonio to spend a week with Jonathan. Just before we left, we got an offer on the house. Now we had recieved a couple of REALLY low ball offers that we rejected without hesitation in the weeks just previous to this but this offer, while lower than our break even price point, was worth considering.
The offer was within $10,000 of our break even price. We went back and forth with them trying to negotiate a price that would get us up to our break even point. The whole drive down to San Antonio, I was talking back and forth to my realtor and Jonathan about negotiations. By that evening it came down to a $3000 gap between what they were offering and our break even price.
Our realtor told us it was not very likely we would get a better offer since our house had been on the market so many months. But it was up to us. Jonathan was adamant that we stick to our guns and demand the break even price - which they had repeatedly refused to go to and had told us this offer was the best and final. He wanted to make sure they really wanted the house and weren't going to back out like the other offer we accepted. He felt, if they REALLY wanted the house, they shouldn't mind going up the $3000. He said he was willing to commute another year if needed.
So we said no to the offer. As we cleaned Jonathan's house in San Antonio that night I kept wondering if we were crazy. Was it really worth $3000 to have all this uncertainty and stress? Finally I told Jon, we need to pray about this. I mean we had been prayful but hadn't specifically knelt together to ask the Lord. So we paused in our cleaning and closed the bedroom door and knelt in prayer to ask the Lord if we should just accept the offer. Both of us got a fairly clear answer to just wait.
So we went forward, trusting our fate into the hands of the Lord. About 2 hours later, our realtor texted us to say the buyers were willing to go up the extra $3000. We texted back to tell her we were good with that. A minute later, she called us. She said she had just gotten a call from another interested party who had been through the house previously and wanted to see if we had any action on it. She had not yet responded to the buyers we had been negotiating with all day. It was after 10 pm at this point.
So we had her ask the second party if they wanted to put in an offer. They went to see the house again the next morning at 7 am and made an offer at 8 am for well above our break even price. We went back to the buyers we had been negotiating with all the previous day and let them know. They came back with an offer $10,000 higher than our break even price and that was more attractive as far as closing date and other things. We also had another party request a showing. We accepted the offer of the party we had long negotiated with and the party who requested a showing ended up putting in a full price back up offer the next day.
Meanwhile, that morning in San Antonio, we went to look at a few houses withour realtor down there. We finally found one that met our needs (after not finding one in a year of looking) and were able to make an offer that night which was accepted the next morning.
These 48 hours were miraculous to me. In all those months before, I was holding onto faith. I didn't know if the Lord would really have us move. The future is never certain. All I could do was try to Keep the Faith and believe and trust in the Lord and the answers to pray we felt He was giving us. I am so glad we followed the promptings we felt. More important than the extra money we got by doing so, we now have a more firm testimony that we are supposed to be here in San Antonio and in this house. That has been helpful as we have struggled to feel at home here and have sorely missed our friends, family, and life in Flower Mound. And this experience strengthened my faith that the Lord answers our prayers and that He will be there for us when we trust in Him.
Motherhood
Faith #2
Motherhood is the most challenging, rewarding, and holiest of callings. We partner with God to create a person in our bodies and then suffer the agony of our own personal Gethsemene's of childbirth to bring a child into the world through the sheding of blood sweat and tears. And that is the easy part. Once our children are here, they have challenges that we must help them through. They will try our patience like no one else can. But they will also love us and we them in a bond unlike any other.
It is difficult to always live close enough to the Spirit to really take full advantage of the partnership with the divine in this process of parenting. When you are late for school or church or an activity and your child is being defiant or just distracted it is hard to keep your cool and be Christlike. We as mother's mess up - all the time.
So I guess grace is a big part of mothering for me. Giving grace to your children as they are learning and having patience with them while they learn is hard but so important. And allowing grace for yourself as you mess up and try again is equally important.
Really, I just want to so entangle myself with the Savior that I can draw on the power and grace of His atonement to enable me to be the kind of mother I want to be and help me to set the tone in our home even when others in our home are grumpy or sassy or angry. If I can be strong and stay above all that, perhaps the rest of them will come up to join me in the peace above the chaos of life.
Motherhood is the most challenging, rewarding, and holiest of callings. We partner with God to create a person in our bodies and then suffer the agony of our own personal Gethsemene's of childbirth to bring a child into the world through the sheding of blood sweat and tears. And that is the easy part. Once our children are here, they have challenges that we must help them through. They will try our patience like no one else can. But they will also love us and we them in a bond unlike any other.
It is difficult to always live close enough to the Spirit to really take full advantage of the partnership with the divine in this process of parenting. When you are late for school or church or an activity and your child is being defiant or just distracted it is hard to keep your cool and be Christlike. We as mother's mess up - all the time.
So I guess grace is a big part of mothering for me. Giving grace to your children as they are learning and having patience with them while they learn is hard but so important. And allowing grace for yourself as you mess up and try again is equally important.
Really, I just want to so entangle myself with the Savior that I can draw on the power and grace of His atonement to enable me to be the kind of mother I want to be and help me to set the tone in our home even when others in our home are grumpy or sassy or angry. If I can be strong and stay above all that, perhaps the rest of them will come up to join me in the peace above the chaos of life.
Sunday, April 28, 2019
Keep the Faith
Faith #1
I have been in a slump lately. Not a funk. Nothing that drastic. Just a little slump. Maybe it is the let down after having family in town and celebrating Camille's 12th birthday, Harrison's baptism, and Easter all one day after another last weekend.
I have been in a slump lately. Not a funk. Nothing that drastic. Just a little slump. Maybe it is the let down after having family in town and celebrating Camille's 12th birthday, Harrison's baptism, and Easter all one day after another last weekend.
In any case, I have been feeling lazy and unmotivated. But today I was working with some young women from church on our Personal Progress studying areas of the gospel and I began reading up on Faith. This was after I attended the baptism of a friend yesterday. There a man told a story of President Hinkley giving him one piece of advice for what to do after his mission. President Hinkley told him "Keep the Faith." That is a phrase my grandfather used frequently. He would sign his letter off with Keep the Faith.
So as I read in the scriptures today about faith in Alma 32, and I read about the need to continually nourish the seed of faith in order to have it produce that miraculous fruit, I thought -- "This is how I Keep the Faith."
I have faith. I have a solid, and sure testimony of the Savior and our Heavenly Father and the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. But I am not alway as good about nourishing this faith as I should be. I need to seek more earnestly in my prayers and scripture study. I need to drink more deeply from the living waters. That is how I Keep the Faith.
I don't often think of my Grandfather. But I can feel him near me now. He's probably the one giving the rousing sermon to my soul on this matter. And so I commit to dig a little deeper and be more consistent in my relationship with God - that my seed may be nourished - that I can partake of the fruit - that I can Keep the Faith.
Friday, April 26, 2019
Personal Progress
Last weekend when my sister Lesli was in town with her family for their Spring Break, Camille's birthday and Harrison's baptism, she gave me an idea. Camille would have just turned 12. Her peers all started the youth program at our church this year in January. As part of that they are encouraged to start a Personal Progress program that guides them through experiences and goals to help them learn and grow. It is an intensive program requiring 46 experiences, many of which take several weeks to accomplish, and 8 projects that each must take at least 10 hours. Those who accomplish this recieve a medallion.
This year I was put in charge of this program in my congregation. This is the last year of the program and next year the church will start a whole new program for all the youth. So I have been meeting with and encouraging the youth - even those who just entered the program - to work towards completing the program this year and get their medallion. I have told them they can do it in a year. It won't be easy but it is possible.
So in honor of Camille, this year I am going to do my best to complete the Personal Progress Program in her behalf. I am starting late here. Its almost May so I only have 8 months. But I believe I can do it. There is a lot of journaling required for the program. I have decided to do my journaling here. So if you want you can follow along with me. At the very least it will keep a record of this journey for me and I will make book of it that will be one of my 10 hour projects.
Happy birthday Cami dear! This is for you!
This year I was put in charge of this program in my congregation. This is the last year of the program and next year the church will start a whole new program for all the youth. So I have been meeting with and encouraging the youth - even those who just entered the program - to work towards completing the program this year and get their medallion. I have told them they can do it in a year. It won't be easy but it is possible.
So in honor of Camille, this year I am going to do my best to complete the Personal Progress Program in her behalf. I am starting late here. Its almost May so I only have 8 months. But I believe I can do it. There is a lot of journaling required for the program. I have decided to do my journaling here. So if you want you can follow along with me. At the very least it will keep a record of this journey for me and I will make book of it that will be one of my 10 hour projects.
Happy birthday Cami dear! This is for you!
All 4 of my little Young Women
Friday, June 15, 2018
10 years
10 years. A decade. That is more than half my marriage. 10 years ago was Father's Day. It was also the day we turned off Camille's machines and let her go home to her Father. I mostly just like to pretend this day doesn't exist each year. Like if I could take a sharpie to the calendar I would just knock June 13 and 15 off the calendar. I'd prefer these days didn't exist. But year 10 has been unexpectedly emotional in ways no other year has. Her birthday was so weepy for me. This day I am just reflective on the accomplishment it has been to live the last 10 years with any degree of normalcy.
I have to say that second to the healing power of the Atonement, the greatest help to me in getting through the last 10 years has been the unfailing, unwavering, unconditional love of my husband Jonathan Waite. This Father's Day I honor him as a father because not only is he great with his kids but he has done the greatest service for them by loving me, building me up, and walking with me these last 10 years.
Losing a child, especially in an accidental manner like we did, can reek havoc on a marriage. And while our marriage is not perfect and we still work through things, losing Camille has never been a wedge between us. There has never been any blame or any of that. We may not experience grief the same but we allow space for each others grief in our relationship. I am endlessly thankful for that space and understanding from Jonathan.
And to my angel girl--well on this day I guess I will just say 10 down maybe 40-50 more to go. Maybe that sounds awful. But to me it sounds hopeful. Kinda like when I am running and I tell myself I am 1/5 of the way done. Doesn't mean I have to hate every minute of the rest of the 4/5s but I am always looking forward to the finish line. And in the expanse of grief as a young bereaved mother - being 1/5 of the way done feels like I am finally getting somewhere.
So here is to the 10 year mark.
Wednesday, April 18, 2018
On the Eve of Your 11th Birthday Angel Girl
Dear Camille,
Tomorrow is your birthday. Eleven years ago tomorrow I had my visiting teacher drop me off at the hospital to end a very painful pregnancy and begin the sweet experience of being your mother. You lived your short life to the fullest, always wanting to be around and interact with people. You demanded the attention you needed as a 4th daughter and I thank you for that. I can't tell you what a joy it was to spend those 14 months mothering you here on this earth.
As my 10th year of missing you draws to an end, I find myself feeling at more of loss on how to celebrate your birthday. Every other year I have invited others to join me in celebrating your life with random acts of kindness. Somehow this year I don't want to be so public in my celebration. I am touched when people remember you and celebrate your life on their own. I love to hear how they do. But I don't want to ask them to anymore.
Somehow this feels like entering a new phase of grief, this 10 year mark we are approaching. It is easier in so many ways. In some ways it feels like another person who lived that nightmare of losing you. I am no longer a young mother with babies at home all day. I don't change diapers or get spit up on anymore. I am in a new phase of motherhood.
And yet in some ways, this new phase just is hard. It is lonely. I am the only person who still thinks of you everyday. And while most of the time it is so much easier having the last 10 years behind me, there are moments... There are moments when I can feel your little legs straddling my hip and hear your cry and see your face in my mind and the wave hits me out of no where like a tsunami - so unexpected and totally devastates me all over again. Yes, 10 has been a rough year.
I miss you.
Tomorrow, I will dry my eyes and I will celebrate your life. I will eat cupcakes and we will heat the pool and go swimming because I know you would have loved that. I will do acts of kindness in your honor and hopefully your siblings can be kind to each other and to me and I will be kind to them regardless. I will think of you as I have every day the last 11 years. And I will continue to carry your heart in my heart.
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
E.E. Cummings
I Love You - Mama
Saturday, December 16, 2017
34 to 43 Looking in a Mirror
Today marks my 43rd birthday. I have always had a thing with numbers. I love symmetry and the perfectness of how ordered certain numbers can be. I find balance in them. Some numbers stick with me or stand out to me. The number 16 has always been a favorite. It is the day of my birth and a perfect square of a perfect square.
So in this birthday of 43, my mind has wandered to its mirror image year of 34. I remember distinctly my 34th year. I documented every day of it on this blog. I particularly remember thinking in a poignant moment, "34 is too young to be visiting your daughter's grave."
10 years ago, with 4 little girls we were anticipating moving into a new home in less than a month. Life with 4 little girls was not easy but I loved it. Sabrina was in first grade, Jon was working from home and my parents had recently returned from their mission. We were living in their house. I was 33.
By the time I turned 34, I was a different woman--an old woman. I felt old. That year aged me like no other could. It felt so strange to feel so old and not to have the number of my age match how I felt. Now, at 43, I feel like my number is slowly but surely catching up to how I feel. So I own my number. I welcome each year. And while I enjoy the present and am savoring each day with my kids here in my home, each year is also one year closer to seeing this face again.
So in this birthday of 43, my mind has wandered to its mirror image year of 34. I remember distinctly my 34th year. I documented every day of it on this blog. I particularly remember thinking in a poignant moment, "34 is too young to be visiting your daughter's grave."
10 years ago, with 4 little girls we were anticipating moving into a new home in less than a month. Life with 4 little girls was not easy but I loved it. Sabrina was in first grade, Jon was working from home and my parents had recently returned from their mission. We were living in their house. I was 33.
 |
| My four little girls. |
By the time I turned 34, I was a different woman--an old woman. I felt old. That year aged me like no other could. It felt so strange to feel so old and not to have the number of my age match how I felt. Now, at 43, I feel like my number is slowly but surely catching up to how I feel. So I own my number. I welcome each year. And while I enjoy the present and am savoring each day with my kids here in my home, each year is also one year closer to seeing this face again.
 |
| Camille 10 years ago. |
Wednesday, April 12, 2017
Cami Kindness Week 2017
April 19th is Camille's birthday, which mean today is the first day of Cami Kindness Week! I would like to invite anyone who sees this to join us in doing random acts of kindness this week in Camille's honor. We like to think this world, at least for this week, is a little better place for her having been here.
I can't believe it has been almost 9 years now. She would be turning 10 this week. Wow. As news came to me this week of friends of friends who are in that fog of grief having just lost their child, I was reflecting on just how far we have come. I can still recall those early days with great clarity, but 99% of the time I think of Camille with a smile now instead of sorrow.
I still think of her every day. I still ache to my core to hold her and smell her and feel her moving in my arms. But, I do see purpose in her life and feel its continuation beyond the veil of death. I have times when I feel her near and often I feel her influence in our lives.
This Easter season, I send up my gratitude once more for the Savior of the world whose perfect love was manifest in His sacrifice that conquered both spiritual and physical death. He has swallowed up my grief. His gift of life gives me hope. This is the Gospel -- the Good News of Jesus Christ. He lives. And because He lives so does she and so will we all. Glory to God on High.
Thursday, March 2, 2017
Unexpected Grief
When Camille died, I expected I would be grieving in some form or other the rest of my life. I expected to share that with my husband and to some degree my daughters. We knew her and held her and loved our little Camille.
What I didn't expect was to have my sons, who were born after Camille passed away, to grieve over her loss as well. My sons know about Camille. We talk about her in our family, but not everyday. I still think about her everyday, but there are often long stretches of time when we don't talk about her.
So today, when my 5-year-old came to me with a sad face and I asked him why he was sad, his answer surprised me. "I miss Cami." His older brother pointing out that he never knew Cami didn't make Harrison feel any better. He said that the thought of her just popped into his head and he just missed her and was sad that she died.
I asked if he wanted to see picture of her. He said he did and climbed up on my lap as I started a slide show of photos and video we have of her. As pictures faded into other pictures all with her sweet face in them, I felt him turn a bit and wrap his arms around me. He snuggled his head more securely into me, while still able to see the screen. And he sobbed. He watched the pictures of the baby sister he never knew come and go and just cried.
After a good cry, he felt better and we got on with our day. But, I was left with a renewed awe of the eternal bonds of family. I know families are meant to be eternal units. Those feelings of longing and loss and love that accompany family ties, even to those members of our family we never met in this life, are evidence of this to me.
I look forward to that day when the longing and loss are gone and we are together again enjoying the fullness of Love that can be offered by Family.
What I didn't expect was to have my sons, who were born after Camille passed away, to grieve over her loss as well. My sons know about Camille. We talk about her in our family, but not everyday. I still think about her everyday, but there are often long stretches of time when we don't talk about her.
So today, when my 5-year-old came to me with a sad face and I asked him why he was sad, his answer surprised me. "I miss Cami." His older brother pointing out that he never knew Cami didn't make Harrison feel any better. He said that the thought of her just popped into his head and he just missed her and was sad that she died.
I asked if he wanted to see picture of her. He said he did and climbed up on my lap as I started a slide show of photos and video we have of her. As pictures faded into other pictures all with her sweet face in them, I felt him turn a bit and wrap his arms around me. He snuggled his head more securely into me, while still able to see the screen. And he sobbed. He watched the pictures of the baby sister he never knew come and go and just cried.
After a good cry, he felt better and we got on with our day. But, I was left with a renewed awe of the eternal bonds of family. I know families are meant to be eternal units. Those feelings of longing and loss and love that accompany family ties, even to those members of our family we never met in this life, are evidence of this to me.
I look forward to that day when the longing and loss are gone and we are together again enjoying the fullness of Love that can be offered by Family.
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
THINX
Way back in 8th grade Mr. Spiegalmeyer's class, I had one of my most embarrassing moments. I was wearing a white Units outfit. (Love the 80s!) I got up to give a report in the front of the class. I walked up the aisle from where I sat in the back. Nervously gave my report and looked up to see stunned faces staring back at me. As I walked back to my seat a girl friend of mine mouthed to me "you started your period." My tampon had bled through by that 2nd period class and I had a big blood spot on my white outfit. My friend lent me her jacket to tie around my waist as I walked to the school nurse to call my mom. The whole school found out. It followed me for YEARS. Luckily I am pretty self confident and it didn't affect me all that much but it was not an experience I would want for my own daughters.
So about a month ago I bought several pairs of these "period proof" THINX underwear for my daughters. I was sick of having to take extra clothes or underwear or period supplies to the school. My daughters were sick of leaky tampons, sweaty pads, and the stress of leaking.
I was not sure how they would like the THINX. Would they work? Would they feel wet and weird? Would they be ugly? Would they fit? Would they be hard to clean?
Well the reviews are in and they are AMAZING, LIFE CHANGING, and to quote one of my daughters, "the best purchase you have ever made for me!" This month there were ZERO runs to the school, ZERO sheets to wash, and ZERO stress about leaking for my girls.
You might have noticed that I have not endorsed many "products" on this blog. I have been offered to endorse many but never wanted to Profit off the tragedy that made my blog gain readership. But once in a while a product comes along that is so good, I feel it is a Public Service to let the world know about them. This is such a time.
Here is a code for $10 off an order at SHETHINX.com
http://fbuy.me/eorW8
If periods are stressing out some young woman in your life or you, go try these out. We love the hiphuggers the best!
Your welcome.
So about a month ago I bought several pairs of these "period proof" THINX underwear for my daughters. I was sick of having to take extra clothes or underwear or period supplies to the school. My daughters were sick of leaky tampons, sweaty pads, and the stress of leaking.
I was not sure how they would like the THINX. Would they work? Would they feel wet and weird? Would they be ugly? Would they fit? Would they be hard to clean?
Well the reviews are in and they are AMAZING, LIFE CHANGING, and to quote one of my daughters, "the best purchase you have ever made for me!" This month there were ZERO runs to the school, ZERO sheets to wash, and ZERO stress about leaking for my girls.
You might have noticed that I have not endorsed many "products" on this blog. I have been offered to endorse many but never wanted to Profit off the tragedy that made my blog gain readership. But once in a while a product comes along that is so good, I feel it is a Public Service to let the world know about them. This is such a time.
Here is a code for $10 off an order at SHETHINX.com
http://fbuy.me/eorW8
If periods are stressing out some young woman in your life or you, go try these out. We love the hiphuggers the best!
Your welcome.
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