Mirena and Depression

Okay. I know. I haven't been blogging very "regularly" lately. I have been in a funk for a while. And I just have been instagramming more. But there are a few things I want to write about. This post will be about the first one, just be warned it is a bit personal so you can skip this post if you want. :0)

Mirena and Depression - I just wish I had known about this before I had my Mirena put in. 18 months ago I had an IUD put in. I had been on the pill when Jon and I first got married and it was great. Then after Annie was born I tried the mini pill and got depressed after 3 weeks and I quit it. After Harrison I really REALLY wanted the Mirena to work for me so I wouldn't have to deal with periods anymore.

Here is what it was really like. First I went crazy (short tempered and cranky) for about 6 weeks. Jon was ready to get it out right then. But told him we should wait and see if it settled down because I really wanted to have no periods. I bled sporadically and enough to need to wear something for the first 14 ish months. YES people.

Doctors often seem so eager to get you on the Mirena but I didn't hear that it was normal to bleed randomly for that long. Apparently it was because I went to my Doc to ask what was up and he said it was all normal. Even after 14 months I bled randomly throughout the month. It just wasn't always enough to merit wearing something.

The "Crazy" did wear off a bit, but I had some serious stress and challenged to work through then. Basically, Jon was looking for a new job and I started studying for the bar exam. Then Jon got his new job and left town and I packed up the house and moved us. And then there was moving a week before Camille's angel anniversary. So I was super emotional all through this.

I told myself to just give myself 6 months in Dallas and it would get better. And while I did get used to the place and feel more like I had friends here, I still didn't feel... myself. February was especially tough. There were weeks I just wanted to stay in bed and cry all day. By this point I had no REASON to be down. I mean it was just silly. I felt so blessed in my life. I looked at signs of depression online and I had 7 of the 10 classic signs.

So I began to wonder if the IUD was playing a role. I googled Mirena and Depression and read story after story that sounded so much like mine. I made an appointment with a doctor here. She suggested perhaps I needed estrogen in the mix to balance out my hormones. She put me on the pill I originally took as a young married. 10 days into that pill and I was WAY worse.

My parents came to visit and I just couldn't climb out of the pit I was in to show them how excited I was that they were here. My mom was worried about me. I stopped taking the pill after she left and it was suddenly SOOOO much better. I made an appointment to go back and have the IUD removed.

I have been IUD free for about two weeks now. It feels like a heavy blanket has been taken off me. I am able to really feel happy again and feel like myself.  I share all this just in case there is anyone else with the Mirena or another hormonal contraception that is feeling like I was and not able to figure out why.

Don't let Doctors tell you it has no effect because the hormone is so small an amount and only directly into your uterus. Please! Some of us are just more sensitive to hormones than others I think and if you are one of those people, look into getting rid of those things.

Consider this my Public Service Announcement. Hopefully I will get my booty in gear to blog more because I do have more to write. 

Camille's 7th Birthday / Easter 2014

This weekend has been one worth writing about. The kids had Thursday and Friday off school and Jonathan had Friday off work. So Friday we went to Six Flags to celebrate Camille's 7th birthday. We always do a big family fun thing like this for 7th birthdays. The weather was perfect and the park was empty so we had a great time.

Saturday morning Jonathan took the kids to do a community service project pulling weeds on the "Flower Mound." This was part of our "Cami Kindness." Meanwhile I prepared a lunch for us and the cousins and filled balloons with helium and Cami Kindness acts people had told me they had done.

After lunch we took the balloons out front and let them fly. It was great.

   

  

Thank you so much to all of you who contacted me on did Cami Kindness acts this past week. It really means so much to me that you all remember her and continue making the world better because of her life.

What really made this weekend worthy of a blog post however, is less what I did and more how I felt. This is my 5th time celebrating Camille's birthday without her. It was, without question, my hardest. I am not sure if it is being in a new place where no one knew her or just the fact that it has been 5 stinking years of not being with her on her birthday. Perhaps more than both of these, it was feeling her spirit closer to me than normal and just aching to be with her.

Whatever the factors, this was a hard one for me. I was somewhat weepy on Friday. Friday night I couldn't hold the tears back any longer and I wept long and hard that night before crawling into bed. As I prayed that night through my sobs, I was given the thought or impression that my grandmother Lucile (celebrator extraordinaire, she made everything pure magic) was with Camille-that she was taking care of her. Perhaps this was meant to make me feel better. Honestly, it mostly just made me really jealous. So I cried even more wishing I were with them.

I had a few other impressions about the work she is doing now and I treasure any hint I get of those things in my prayers. But none of these heavenly gifts could pull me from the powerful wave of grief I was experiencing. I don't get hit by these waves very often anymore so I didn't fight riding it. Sometimes my grief reminds me that she was real. 

Still I wondered how long this wave would last. Would this be the kind that pulled me down for days or weeks or months? I was set to teach a lesson on the Atonement Sunday in gospel principals class. Would I even be able to prepare it or get through it?

Saturday was an even weepier day than Friday had been. I did not feel the "celebratory" feeling I had in past years on Camille's birthday. I was just so sad that she was not there. I ached for all the consequences her absence has on every member of my family.

After the birthday party Saturday afternoon, Jon took the kids to the park so I could prepare my lesson. I decided to make a visual aid to help explain the role of the Atonement in the Plan of Salvation to our class and most importantly to our new member. This is something my mother would do. It is a good teaching tool so I followed suit. Below is the result:







Saturday night we prepped for Easter and finally got to bed around 12:30. I went to bed exhausted and emotional and wondering how Easter would go.

Sunday morning I woke to the sounds of excited children (one of my favorite sounds.) I got up despite only having about 6 hours sleep and turned on Handel's Messiah and told the kids where to look for the their baskets. As I listened to that music, the joy of the gift of Easter took root in my heart. My sorrow evaporated like the morning dew.

Later in church, our sacrament talks were especially profound and I felt a reconfirmation of the reality of the Savior's power to make us perfect. I felt a lightness in spirit and mind because of my witness that HE LIVES! He rose from the dead! And because he did so will all of us.

As I taught my Easter lesson on the Atonement a little later, I taught what was on my visual aid. Then, at the end, I noted how it is a really nice plan all laid out on this nice chart. It looks good on paper. But when you are living separated from someone you really love, this plan is EVERYTHING. And what Jesus Christ did in Gethsemene and on the Cross and in the tomb. That few days of history and the Savior's choices and his suffering in that time make absolutely all the difference in the whole fabric of the plan.

I am so grateful to Him. He is the Way. Through Him our families can become Eternal Families. He is the way Home to all those we love and miss beyond the veil.

My reconfirmation of this knowledge removed my sadness. It took the sting of death away for me yesterday. If you don't know these truths for yourself, I urge you to Seek them. Seek Him. At some point in every person's life, this knowledge can literally save you. For more information on how to find Truth for yourself, go hit the chat button on Mormon.org. No one will try to convince you they are right. They will only guide you to find out for yourself what is true. You will be glad you did.

Cami kindness time

It's that time of year again! Camille's birthday is the 19th. This year it happens to be the day before Easter. I love it! What better way to spend "Easter Eve" than doing service? 

My family is planning to participate in a community clean up project to make The Flower Mound beautiful. I am excited to do this work for our community as a family and in Camille's honor.

I invite any who read this to participate in Cami Kindness Day and do some act of service or kindness beyond what you would normally do in memory of Camille. This is one way her short life can really make a difference and make the world just a little bit better place.

Please SPREAD THE WORD! Invite others to join us. 

I would love it if you would share what you did or are going to do 
for your Cami kindness with me by commenting, emailing me or whatever. I want to release balloons as part of her birthday celebration and I would love to fill them with scraps of paper with Cami kindnesses written on them.

Thank you for helping me make her short life matter.

Blossoms of Love

Recently, I had been feeling well... depressed. Which is just silly because I have no reason to be down. I am so blessed. I recognize and appreciate my blessings. But still I had this fog of depression hanging on me. I am not sure why. Maybe my hormones were just off or something but it was worse and longer than my normal one day of feeling blue per month.

Honestly, there were several days in a row there where I just wanted to stay in bed and cry all day for no reason. I am a little embarrassed to even admit that but it is the truth. The frustrating part for my analytical mind was not being able to pinpoint why I was down or how to get it turned around. It gave me great sympathy for those who suffer from depression more chronically.

But as I was thinking my way through my rain clouds, I identified a few ways I could feel more sunshine in my life. Some of these were things I could not bring into my life on my own.

Today the weather turned warm here in Dallas. I am not going to say that didn't help my mood a bit. But it was the capstone to a myriad of small miracles that have told me that the Lord is mindful of me. You see in these last few days, several people have provided to me those mood lifting opportunities that I could not give to myself.

It got to the point where I started to think, "Geez! It is like someone told everyone how I was feeling and everyone around me is trying to lift me up." Then today it just subtly hit me. Maybe someone didn't tell everyone how I was feeling but some One knew and was inspiring people to say and do things that would lift me up.

I am grateful to have friends and acquaintances who live close enough to the spirit to follow these gentle whispers. Today as I can hear the promise of spring in the song of the birds outside my window, I also can see the beauty of the bouquet of love blossoms the Lord has gathered for me through the words and actions of his living angels on Earth.

Opening the Past - Call for Prayers

Yesterday my girls had a family history themed activity for church. Annie and Lauren both decided to dress up as my grandmother Mary Harris and tell funny stories about her. There are no shortage of funny stories about Grandma Harris. She was a hoot.

I thought it would be fun for them to take some of her clothes that I actually have but I haven't seen them since our move. I decided to go look for them. One of the places I thought to look was in the trunk upstairs in Sabrina's room. It was my hope chest when I was a girl and I have put some special things in it from my mother.

It is also where I have kept all things Camille that were made of cloth. I guess I just didn't really remember how many things I had in there. It has been a long, long time since I opened that trunk. I was running around looking for these Grandma Harris clothes and opened that trunk and as I put my hands down in those little baby girl clothes ... she was just there. I could feel her little legs in my hands and feel her soft cheeks against her favorite blanket. I could just almost feel her little body in my arms.

This summer will mark 6 years since her passing. She would turn 7 in a couple months here. I see other little girls her age and wonder at how big they are. I wonder at what her personality would be like at that age.

But she is still just shy of 14 months. She is my baby preserved and waiting for me. Someday I will make use of those blankets and clothes. I will wrap her up in them and hold her tight to me again. That is the hope to which I hold. It is the promise of the Savior through the power of the Resurrection. I will hold her little 14 month old body alive and whole again. And it will be a glorious day.

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One of the little girls in our ward (a "would be" a classmate with Camille) just got diagnosed with Leukemia last week. Her name is Melody Johnson. Her family has been so kind to us since we moved here and they have kids all the same range as me. I am sure their family would appreciate any prayers any of you would like to offer on her behalf.

Knowing the power of masses of people praying for you as I do, I simply must ask for your prayers on her behalf. Thank you!

Finding Happy

I am feeling a little down today. I know it is probably just hormonal, but I hate feeling this way, especially when I have so very many blessings in my life. In an effort to lift my spirits, I thought I would share a few things that make me happy. And maybe give myself some pointers on how to better fill my life with these things.

Helping Others - Fewer things bring me greater joy than knowing I am helping someone else in a time of need. I love feeling that I am making a difference in the world for good. Big or small, making a difference by helping someone else makes me happy.

I have been blessed to have wonderful children. Being a mother gives me opportunities every day to make a difference in the life of my children. I need to remember to look at my mothering more fully through this lens. There isn't anyone in my life upon whom I can have a greater impact than my children. I need to make sure I am working daily to make a difference in each of their lives for good.

Learning - I love learning. I wish I could always be taking some sort of class. Perhaps I should look into doing some online coarse work. Or maybe I just need to take the Texas Bar. :) I will have to think on this one. So many choices on what to learn.

Music - Good music can always lift my spirits. I ought to keep my earphones next to my bed and pop a song in to start my day that will get me up and going with a skip in my step and a smile on my face.

Friends - I really enjoy spending time with old friends and really getting to know new friends. I love it when you can break through the superficial wall we all put up with other people and just have a real and honest deep conversation with someone. Having a great conversation with a friend is sometimes as good as going to therapy for me and lots cheaper.

Family Happiness - My family, when they are happy, brings me so much joy. I mean I still love them when they are crabby and whiny and angry etc. But sometimes when they are in sour moods it can bring me into a sour mood too. But when I am feeling a little down, all I have to do is ask Noble for a little "sunshine" and he will look at me with this cute smiley face that brightens my whole day. Each of my children and my husband have this power to brighten my day in small and simple ways.

Writing - I can almost always pick my chin up and have a brighter perspective when I write. I am so grateful for this blog and the blessing it has been to me in that way. Even when all the world is falling down around me, I know I can find a silver lining through writing.

It has even helped me today. I am feeling a little bit better just being able to sit here and see this list of happy things and a few plans to bring them more fully into my life. And now I have a primary lesson to prepare for church tomorrow. I get to substitute for Lauren's class. :) I am sure it will make me happy.

Nerium. Have you tried it? Here are my trial results!

 A little over a month ago. A good friend of mine, Sunny Valencia, asked me if I would try out a product she sells. It is a night cream called Nerium. I am sure some of you have heard of it. I told her I would and I would post the results on my blog. True to my word and in spite of the awful selfies, here is that post. :)

It has been 35 days since I started using Nerium. My bottle ran dry last night. I took the top photo here the night before I started using the product just after washing my face.

I took the photo below one month later.

I took a few closer up photos on specific areas I knew I had wrinkles. The top is always the before and the bottom the after.

Now for my personal review: This product is really easy to use. Really all I did was rinse my face with water each night and put the product on according to directions. It feels kind of like a mask and gets tight on your skin which I liked. You leave it on over night and rinse it off in the morning.

I will say I did not love the smell of it. It smelled a little like bananas to me. But my husband likes bananas very much and he really liked the smell. To each his own I suppose.

As for how well it worked, I think the photos speak for themselves on that. I was skeptical, I will admit. But I was surprised when I looked at my own before and after photos how much of a difference I could see in how pronounced my wrinkles were, especially on my forehead.

All photos were taken at the same time of day in the same room and lighting and, as much as I could, at the same angle.

If you want to get some of this lovely wonder. You can contact Sunny at sunnyvalencia@yahoo.com or go to here website HERE

 Before

After

 Before

After

Before

After

Prayers getting longer

Ever had a season of you life when it seems like your prayers just keep getting longer because you keep adding people to pray for every day? I was feeling like that last night on my knees. I was going through all the people I know of who are suffering in one way or another and praying for each of them individually. Some of these people I have been praying about for years. Others are new urgent additions.

I know none of their issues are going to be solved overnight. But I also know all too well the power of people praying for you when you are suffering. It is a power not to be underestimated. And so I keep praying for these people, my family and friends, and sometimes even strangers.

Last night the list seemed to be getting rather long and the weight of sorrow and sympathy in my heart seemed to be growing heavy. It was then that I was reminded once again that there is One who carries all these burdens with them.

And I wondered at it... at HIM! He knows all the hidden and secret problems and sorrows of us all. And He has suffered them all with us and for us.

I know He has the power to lift each of us up out of the deep.

So, I turned my concerns and sorrows for myself and those for whom I pray over to Him.

And I thanked Him once again.

My Funny Valentine

Dearest Camille,

Today our family gathered in the family after scriptures and I handed out valentine's cards I had made for each of my kids. I thought of you when I was making them. I had a cute piece of paper ready to write you a card too. But I decided to write your card on this blog instead. Sending my words out across the nebulous expanse of the cyber world feels a little more like getting them out to you than holding a piece of paper in my hand.

My heart aches to be with you and hold you and tell you how much I love you in person dearest. I want to thank you for helping us grow so much as a family and for helping us remember what is important in this life.

In each of the other girls valentine's card, I told them how I loved their talents. I look forward to the days when I can get to know your talents more fully and know you more fully as a person. As your brothers grow and I now that they are leaving the baby stage I think of you often as my baby still waiting.

One day I will hold your little baby girl self again and I will squeeze your little thigh and kiss your cute poochie lips. I will watch your grow and learn and hear the amazing things you will tell me. And I will learn from you. One day.

I love you to the deepest part of my soul,
Mama

Why I Believe

A friend of mine started posting a series of essays by her friends and family members on her blog. Each essay is on the topic "Why I Believe." I have read several of the essays she has collected and really enjoyed reading each persons individual journey. Today I had a free afternoon so I wrote my own essay for her collection. I am glad to have recorded some of the experiences I share in my essay that I don't think I have ever written down. Writing this was a great experience for me. If you have any inclination to write your own "Why I Believe" essay, I would encourage you to take some time and do it. Keep it for yourself and your family, submit to my friend for her collection, or share it with the world, it is just good to record it. I shared mine with my friend and it will be on her blog. I wanted to share it with all of you too.

Why I Believe

By Stephanie Waite

I was born and raised by faithful life-long members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. So, in my childhood they taught me about Jesus and my Heavenly Father. I was taught the doctrines of repentance and faith and choosing the right. Eventually, when I turned 8, I was baptized.

Many might believe that this teaching and training by parents are my reason for believing. And I will say that their efforts in parenting are what guided me to my belief. But my parents teaching is not why I believe today.

I believed my parents when I was a child. But, I did not really live their teachings very well. I was a naughty kid. I am not saying that lightly. I mean, it is just the truth. I was not really kind to my friends. I hurt them physically frequently. I was stubborn and selfish and insecure.

I believed the LDS church was true because I had been taught that. But, I didn’t know it for myself. I was going to church every week and all that, but my heart had not been converted.

As my childhood turned to adolescence, I may have stopped scratching my friends and acting out but I found other ways to get attention from my peers. By the time I was 13 I had been going to our youth program for a year and had felt the Spirit on more than one occasion. I knew I needed to be better and I was trying.

Shortly before I turned 14, I started going to seminary, a before school class where you study the scriptures. I had an amazing teacher who had a huge impact on my life (thank you to Garth Tesch.) I began reading my scriptures on my own everyday.  I had made some good new friends and had really begun to change.

During that year, I had been trying to get one of my best friends, who was a member of our church but not really active, to come with me to seminary.  She had come a couple of times and told me she felt the Spirit there. I knew deep down that this was a good thing for her and I really wanted her to come with me. I had spent a lot of time and effort trying to encourage her to join me. I felt so happy that she was feeling the Spirit there.

Two days later, my friend called me one night. I was sitting in my parents’ study looking at a picture of the Savior they had there. I was alone. My friend told me excitedly that she had sneaked out of a church activity with a boy and done some things they ought not to have done. She was bragging about it. I was crushed. I was so hurt that she would go do these things after feeling the Spirit and all the work I had been doing to help her get back to church. (I did mention I was selfish right?)

But as I listened to her, what could I say. Was I any less guilty than she? No. My own sins, as I knew them to be, were beyond what she had just told me. I could say nothing. I hung up the phone and the wheels of my mind started turning.

If I was this hurt by what she did. How hurt would my parents be if they knew all that I had done? After all, they had been working my whole life to bring me into the church. Geez, how hurt must my future children be. How disappointed in me must they feel. They surely have seen all my doings. They must be so bummed to be getting a mom who is such a sinner.

Then I looked up and saw the picture of the Savior looking at me.

He knows. He knows everything. And so does His Father. They have been working so hard to get me back to them and here I have been screwing it all up.

At this point, I got up and went into my bedroom. I spent the next three hours sobbing. I don’t think I can describe how low I felt to anyone who has not felt the full weight of their sins on their own back. But I felt them that night… keenly. They were overbearingly heavy on my shoulders. I wondered how I could live with the weight of them. I was so weighed down in sorrow that I felt I was not even worthy to utter a prayer.

Yet, praying is what I had been taught we were supposed to do to be forgiven. Still I shrank before my Maker knowing how I had hurt the Savior. I knew that what I was feeling, that weight of sin, was just a small drop of what he had felt in the Garden of Gethsemane. I was so very sorry to have caused Him such pain. How could I now ask anything from Him?

After three hours, I gathered my courage and knelt before my Maker. The only words I could think were, “Father, please… please forgive me.”

Immediately … and I mean immediately, all the weight was gone. It was lifted from my shoulders. I could feel it evaporate off of me. I was filled with a sense of love and peace that was beyond description. I knew that I had been completely forgiven for all those sins that had been weighing me down. I knew I was accepted of the Lord.

When evangelical Christians talk about being “born again,” I imagine this might be the kind of experience to which they are referring. I had been baptized years before, but that night I was truly born again. I felt changed in a mighty way. I knew exactly the weight of the burden the Savior had taken from me. I knew I would spend the rest of my life in His service in gratitude for His sacrifice for me.

This experience is why how I know that the Savior is real and that through His atonement He has the power to forgive sin.

Several months later, after spending a year reading about and studying the history of our church, I had another experience that gave me a solid testimony of the prophet Joseph Smith. I went on a trip to visit the church history sites. I had been praying for about a year to know for myself whether our church was really all it claimed to me- the only church with a fullness of the truth of the Savior’s gospel and led by the Savior himself through a prophet in our day.

One of our last stops was at the Sacred Grove where Joseph Smith went to ask God which church he should join. He recounts that in answer to his prayer, God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ appeared to him and told him that he should join none of the churches he had been considering. He was told that the Savior’s church was not on the Earth at that time but it would be restored to the Earth through him.

I was familiar with the story. But, I wanted to know for myself if it was true. So when the group leader gave us time to go find a spot and pray in that grove, I hoped for an answer. I was disappointed. I was so concerned by the mosquitoes buzzing around me that I was not able to focus very well on my prayer. After a short time, I gave up and found a friend and headed back to the visitor’s center where we were to gather for a testimony meeting.

During that testimony meeting, something amazing happened. It felt as if a veil was lifted off of my understanding and I felt my heart burning within me. I am not talking about heartburn, though it was a physical feeling. It felt like my heart was glowing embers of a fire. It didn’t hurt. It just felt so warm. Into my mind came scriptures I had read about the truth of spiritual things being witnessed by a burning of the bosom. I knew that was what I was feeling.

I also knew that it had been burning for a while but I had only just then, as the veil of my understanding was lifted, been able to recognize it. This told me that I had been having witnesses of the Spirit my whole life but I had not recognized them as such. I needed to be more aware to recognize them.

I shared my testimony and walked out of that room. I found comment cards in that visitor’s center and wrote myself a note. I wrote down how I felt. I told myself never to forget what I knew right then. I knew that Joseph Smith was a prophet, that he really did have the vision he claimed to have, and that the Book of Mormon was a true book of scripture. It followed logically to me that if Joseph Smith was a prophet and the Book of Mormon was true then this church he restored must also be what it claimed to be.

I wrote on those cards, “I know it and I know God knows that I know it.” I am bound by that witness. I am committed. I am all in.

Beyond these experiences of my youth, I have had countless manifestations both big and small of the Spirit guiding me and working in and through me in my life. I have felt the Spirit as I read the scriptures, including and especially the Book of Mormon. I have had prayers answered in miraculous ways. I have seen the Lord’s hand in the workings of the church. I have been physically healed in a powerful and immediate way by a priesthood blessing given when I had pneumonia in college. I have had witness after witness of the truth of the doctrines of the church as I have put them to the test by living them.

In my adult life, I have been faced with trials that test faith. I have had doubts enter my mind that could derail me from my faith if I let them. They are small things, inconsistencies I could focus on, questions I can’t find answers to, or historical things I just don’t understand about the church, its doctrine or some of the leaders.

But the fact remains that I know what I have felt. When I am faced with those questions, trials, or doubts I choose to believe.

Never was this choice more poignant than when my daughter drowned. Here I was, doing all I could to follow the Savior and choose the right. And one day as I am sitting 10 yards away inside my house, my 14 month old is drowning outside in our spa. I had received warning promptings to prevent bad things from happening before. Yet on this day, it was as if there was total radio silence from heaven.

God did not stop that bad thing from happening. And as we fasted and prayed for her to recover, she only got worse. We only felt peace when we prayed “thy will be done” and turned her over to the Lord’s care.

After she died, religion didn’t help they way you think it should. It didn’t feel the way I had been taught it would feel. I didn’t feel the Spirit comforting me. All I felt was pain and loss and sick to my stomach at the nightmare that was my reality.

That is how it felt at that time. And in those circumstances, I made a conscious decision to believe anyway. Now as I look back, I can see how the Lord was with us. I can feel how we were surrounded by the Spirit and angels were ministering to us daily. I read my writings from that time and feel the Spirit that was all through me at that time. But, I was unable to feel it then over the overwhelming pain I was experiencing.

I later heard Elder Scott, a modern day apostle who had lost 2 of his own children, say that trying to feel the spirit after great loss or grief is like trying to appreciate the delicate flavor of a grape after eating a jalapeño pepper. His analogy was perfect.

Five and a half years later, I see how much my life has been blessed and how my family and I have grown in ways we could not have without Camille’s death. I have seen people join the church and grow closer to God by reading about our experience. I may not like it, but there was a purpose in her passing that was within the Lord’s wisdom.

To this day, if ever I read or hear something that makes me doubt. I step away and choose to believe. Believing makes me happy. It gives me hope. It helps me survive.

I feel like losing my daughter was like me stepping out of the boat like Peter did to walk on the water. I have felt everyday since then has been a miracle of me walking on the figurative water. As long as I keep my eye focused on what I know (and that is that the Savior loves me and is guiding me home) I am okay. I dare not take my eye off of Him and be distracted by the storm around me. It is too bleak, too dark. I survive and thrive only by keeping my eye on the Savior. I choose to believe and He keeps me afloat.

I believe. 

To read more essays on this topic, visit my friend Laura Laurent's blog HERE and click on the tab "Why I Believe." You can even submit your own essay if you like.

The Fog of TIme - An Update 5.5 years out

I just woke from a very vivid dream - a nightmare. In it I found Harrison floating in a pool and I pulled him out to do CPR and mouth to mouth just as I did on Camille. It was Harrison in my dream. At least that is what my brain told me, but now that I am awake with the images burning in my brain, it was really Camille. It wasn't my almost three year old little boy. It was my sweet nearly bald baby girl. Mercifully in this nightmare, she came too.

I have been thinking I wanted to do an "update" on where I am at 5.5 years out. And mostly I am doing really well. I feel like I am living a new chapter here in Dallas. I feel like enough pages have turned that I can appreciate fully the blessings that have come to my life from my tragedy. I can even feel thankful for those blessings and appreciate the necessity of the trial that produced them.

But, I still have nights like tonight. I still wake up to the reality that my worst nightmare is in fact my reality. I still miss her every day. The missing is not the same though. It is more distant. I can't remember her well enough anymore. It kills me to say that but it is just the truth. I don't remember the feel of her in my arms. It is hard to recall the feeling of presence.

Of course, right now, on the heels of that dream, she is closer. I remember right now. I feel as if I have just travel 5 years back into my past. I am tired and want to go back to sleep but I am scared to close my eyes and let my mind wander freely again. So I write to get the images out.

It was wonderful having my mom and dad visit last month for my birthday. But saying goodbye at the airport was so hard. Seeing them reminded me of all I left behind when we moved here. I didn't really appreciate the loss of living close to them when we moved because they had been living in Africa for a year and I was used to them being half a world away. And even when they returned, I was so used to a phone relationship that the loss didn't hit me.

But as I held my mother before she had to go get on the plane, it did hit. And I cried. I remembered how nice it was to be able to see them whenever I wanted and the joy of just having them in my presence brings me. In that moment I felt the love and wonderful feelings of all those I left in Las Vegas. I remembered and I mourned.

And so it goes with this whole grieving thing. Most of the time I am fine. I miss her but with a dull missing fogged over by years of time. But once in while, something slices through the fog of time and brings me right back to my early days of grief and I am left to mourn.

My birthday

Look who showed up to surprise me for my birthday! Best birthday presents ever!!! I had no idea they were coming. My mom kept telling me she was too tired to travel and they would just come when they felt better (which I thought could be months from now.) 

Saturday my sister in law told me she had a present for her kids she wanted to hide in my garage she wanted me to come open the garage so I could help her bring it in. I opened the garage and these two were there all smiles.

We will be having a great week together so if I don't post as often, that's why.

39 is awesome!!!

My dad.

I know I am repeating here but you know how my dad fixes my problems? Yea. Did it again today. 1200 miles away and over the phone talked me through getting my Christmas lights to work again (the outlet they were plugged into stopped working) on a house he has never seen.

Morgan Harris is the Boss!

Home

I am glad my parents are home safe from their mission. It is very nice to be able to talk to my mom in real time without worrying about their internet or power going out.  :-)

Sabrina

I might have posted about her already in my thankful posts but I am again thankful for my daughter Sabrina. She leads the way in our family. She is such a good girl and so helpful to me in so many ways. She is a gift to me in every way. I am blessed beyond measure to have such a wonderful daughter. I am grateful for her and that she hasn't (fingers crossed here ... yet) turned into a raging hormonal teenager.

I love you Saby!!!

Noble update

I am grateful noble is feeling "much more better."

NO SCREENS - Noble update

I am so grateful for this challenge. It has really made me step it up personally to be a better me. This week we are limited to 25 minutes of personal screen time (that includes blogging.) So I will be writing short or in a paper gratitude journal this week.


UPDATE on Noble**************************

I have asked about meningitis extensively. The doctor is pretty sure it isn't that. But we are taking the antibiotics just in case. But he said kids with that aren't up and playing in the snow like Noble is and they don't normally have swollen lymph nodes like Noble does. Since it takes a spinal tap to confirm and that is really traumatic he said he wouldn't recommend that unless he gets worse.

As for the one tale tale sign that Noble has (the painful neck thing.) He said it is likely being caused by the nodes. They are painful to the touch to Noble so it hurts look up because it squeezes the nodes in his muscles of his neck. He doesn't have any of the other symptoms of meningitis.

Today, his nodes seem a little smaller to me and he says it hurts less to move his head. He still has a fever and is more whiney than normal but other than that he is up and playing. I am hoping we are going to be feeling all better soon.

Snow or Ice? Bacteria or Virus?

This is the view I woke up to this morning. I slept up in the boys rooms first with Harrison from 1-3 then with Noble from 3-9. 

Noble has some crazy sickness. He has been complaining about his neck hurting all week. Yesterday he was in so much pain he couldn't stop crying and I discovered he also had a fever. 

I took him to the doctor and they tested for strep, mono, and did a CBC. The first two were negative but his white blood cell counts are elevated and his lymph nodes are swollen big and are painful to touch. He also couldn't turn his head or look up.

They have him 2 heavy duty shots of antibiotic and told me to come back tomorrow so they could check his blood again.

Last night we had freezing rain. It looks like snow out there but it is actually like a big solid sheet of ice all over. Only one of the doctor's offices was open due to the weather and it is 7 miles away.

So with great trepidation I headed out to ice skate my car to the doctor.

Very few people brave the roads in this kind of weather. Jon's flight was cancelled and he was told to work from home.

We made it safely to the doctor without too much trouble. Unfortunately the antibiotics didn't work. Nobles white blood cell count was higher today and his lymph nodes are still huge and his neck still hurts and he still has a fever.

The doctor said it was probably some crazy virus. He gave us a antibiotic to take just in case and told us to watch him and come back if he gets any worse.

So we are waiting and watching.

I am grateful for modern medicine even though they haven't figured everything out yet.

I am also grateful for the beauty of this snowy icy day.

Christmas lights beneath  light the hard packed ice.

Ice storm

I am grateful for the ice storm that will be forcing some quality family time tomorrow. I hope everyone can stay home and stay safe!

Jonathan

I am thankful for my husband in so many ways and for so many reasons. Here are 40 of them. :-)

1 He is intelligent.

2 He is interesting.

3. He is sensitive to my feelings.

4. He strives to do what is right.

5. He makes me laugh.

6. He has a cute bum.

7. He is creative.

8. He values people far more than things.

9. He is thrifty.

10. He loves and honors his mother and father.

11. He makes me want to be a better person.

12. He makes great avocado shakes.

13. He has nice hands.

14. He loves to read.

15. He is curious.

16. He is a verifier.

17. He plays beautiful music on the piano and a little on the guitar.

18. He is a hard worker.

19. He appreciates the arts.

20. He loves babies.

21. He has just the right amount of ambition.

22. He has beautiful eyes.

23. He likes to travel.

24. He is a wonderful father.

25. He has great gospel insights.

26. We are equally yoked in every way.

27. He helps me around the house when he's home.

28. His children adore him.

29. He makes me feel beautiful.

30. He even loves my ugly parts.

31. He is strong.

32. He isn't a push over.

33. He usually lets me win arguments. :-)

34. He is supportive of my dreams and desires.

35. He is a good example to me of sticking to a good routine.

36. He is reasonable.

37. He has a solid and deep testimony of the gospel and especially of the Atonement.

38. He is a great provider for our family.

39. He is a faithful, worthy, and humble priesthood holder.

40. He loves me, the good and the bad, all-in, devotedly.

Wind chimes

The former owner of our house left behind some wind chimes in the back yard. I have never owned wind chimes before. Now they feel like the sound track of our lives here. I love them!

I am thankful for the wind chimes that sweetly remind me that life is magical.

Whoa! It's December!

This year was a quick turn around between Thanksgiving and the holiday gift scrambling madness. I can't believe it is already December. 

Today I am grateful for wonderful new friends. One of my friends here has agreed to a kid swapping system that will let each of us have a few free hours a week to Christmas shop, go to the temple, or do whatever else we need. I am going to go get some shopping done.

Maybe I'll even find something for Jon? 

Modern Transportation

Despite the traffic jam we are enjoying right now, I am grateful for our modern transportation that allows us air conditioning and heat while we travel great distances in a relatively short span of time.

It is through the blessings that we are able to spend time with family on holidays. We had a fabulous time with our family in Memphis. I am grateful to have them close enough to drive and visit. We miss them already!

A Beautiful Season

Fall in Dallas has been a wonder of color and bipolar weather. I have enjoyed living in a place where I really get to see the colors of the season again. It makes me think Fall is my favorite season. But then, I haven't seen Spring in Dallas yet.

This has also been a beautiful season of life for me. My anxiety over the boys safety is lessening as they leave the "put things in my mouth" stage and are getting to understand it is not safe to just escape the house and run in the street.  Most night they sleep through the night.

But I haven't quite hit full teen drama with Sabrina yet either. My kids are young and simple and pure and safe for now. This is a beautiful season. I don't know how long it will last but it makes me think it is perhaps my favorite season. But then, I haven't experienced those many seasons yet to come yet either. 

But for today, I am grateful for the beauty of the season in in.

Thanksgiving Feast

I am grateful for having days of plenty... Plenty of food, plenty of love, and plenty of warmth.

This year we traveled to Memphis to be with Jon's brother and sister in law Aaron and Carolyn. Aaron smoked a couple of turkeys. They were the best turkeys I've ever had. 

We made all my favorite sides and pies. It was a great feast!

Two year old

The other day I took Harrison to the doctor. She was doing her exam and needed to look at his throat. She asked him to stick out his tongue. He just looked at her puzzled. She kept explaining that she needed him to stick out his tongue out so she could see his throat.

Finally she went to go get a tongue depressor. Then Harrison stuck out his elbow and said "Dare it is!"

"No silly, that is your elbow!" I said. Then I showed him his tongue and he stuck it out. 

I love two year olds! I am grateful I have one.

Breathing

As a person with asthma, I am grateful for every time I can take a good deep breath and let it out without any wheezing or coughing. My little boys are both coughing and wheezing today and it just makes me glad I am not.

Sleep

I am grateful for every full night of sleep I get. Those nights are not uncommon these days but I have had enough years of little or interrupted sleep to make me treasure a full night of dreams.

It's been a long day of errands and appointments and I am ready for bed.

Here is a photo of my first appointment today.

Sabrina got braces on this morning. Let the fun begin I guess.

Home teachers

One of many programs in the Mormon church I appreciate is the home teaching program. It is a program where two men are assigned to watch over your family and give assistance as needed. They are supposed to come monthly to share a message and also assess the family's need.

I am grateful for our home teachers and the effort they put into filling that assignment. For about 10 years we didn't have home teachers who came. So it has just been in the last 2-3 years that we have been regularly home taught. I am so grateful for the patience these men have shown as our kids have been learning how to behave for home teachers.

Tonight was the first time that my kids all sat in the room and didn't complain or say rude things to the home teachers.  :) I made cookies to celebrate this huge improvement.

Granted we still have a long way to go toward listening to the lesson and participating appropriately but I will take what I can get for now.

Music

Tonight Jon and I are headed to the JFK memorial concert of the Dallas symphony featuring Joshua Bell. I am excited for the wonderful music I will hear. 

I am grateful for good music that lifts the soul and spirit. Music can completely change the tone in your home. Good music can make you run faster, act sillier, and be happier. 

I am grateful for all kinds of good music.

Weekends

I love weekends. It means I get to be with my family. That makes me happy. I am grateful for Saturdays that we get to enjoy together doing fun things. I am also grateful for the gift of the Sabbath day to us. What a blessing this day of rest has been to me in my life!

Life is so busy and hectic. Right now I don't have a calling or job at church that requires much attention on Sundays so I really get to enjoy reconnecting with the Lord and my family members on this gift of a day. I love that.

I am grateful for weekends and am looking forward to this one!

Mother in law

How many people can honestly say they are grateful for their mother-in-law? I can without hesitation! 

Today is my mother-in-law's birthday. She is a wonderful woman and an incredible example to me in so very many ways. I am grateful Jonathan finally fell in love with me and wanted to marry me so I could have the honor of being related to his mother Kathleen Waite. :)

Thanks for raising 9 wonderful children, Mom! I love every one of them and I love you and Dad too! Your selfless example and faithful covenant keeping life is a legacy for us all to strive to live up to .

Happy Birthday! 

Lauren, my little chef

I am grateful for my healthy eater Lauren. She inspires me to have better eating habits. She makes great smoothies and other kitchen treats. 

This is her latest creation...multi-berries. It is a blueberry stuffed into a raspberry stuffed into a hulled out strawberry. Delicious and nutritious!

I love my sweet silly Lauren!

Thanksgiving

I have been studying the history of Thanksgiving today. I didn't remember many of the specifics about that first feast and how Thanksgiving became a national holiday. So I have been enlightened today.

I am more grateful than I have ever been for the Thanksgiving holiday. I am so grateful for Squanto and what a miracle he must have been to those pilgrims who had endured so much on their journey to find religious freedom and a place where their children would come to know God. Surely The Lord was in the storm that pushed them off coarse to make them land in Massachussets instead of Virginia. 

What a miracle it must have been to them to have an English speaking and educated Native American to teach them how to survive in this new world!

It is yet another example of how The Lord uses trials as blessings in our lives. I am sure those pilgrims did not feel "blessed" to have such a fierce storm hit them on their journey. It nearly forced them to turn back as it broke their mast and made leaks in the ship. 

But they had brought a large metal screw that allowed them to fix the mast. They had materials to seal the leaks. The Lord always provides a way for us to get through the storms so that may one day realize the blessing. 

All their sacrifice and loss would no doubt bring them closer to that God they sought to worship. Indeed the first Thanksgiving feast is evidence that they knew by whom they had been kept and preserved.

I will be celebrating Thanksgiving with a new appreciation for the holiday this year. I will be remembering the great freedoms we have in this land. I will be thankful for such a rich history of faithful people seeking The Lord. I will be grateful for the storms in my life that have pushed me off my coarse and onto God's.

2013 Family Photo

I am so grateful to have a visiting teacher who is also a photographer. What luck huh? Thanks Brittny for taking this lovely photo of our family. I am grateful for each of the people in this photo and their love for me and each other.

Morgan D. Harris

I am my father's daughter. I am grateful for him today and everyday. He is 77 today. He is in Africa, in Nairobi, Kenya on a mission for our church. He and my mom bring wells of fresh water to villages, give wheelchairs to those in need, and do other humanitarian efforts there.

My dad is one of the biggest hearted people I know. He loves people and will do anything he can to help a friend. He has been a rock for me throughout my life and I have called him for help in the middle of the night or at 4 am or whenever I have really needed him. He has always come to my aid. I will share a couple of those stories for your entertainment.

One day when Jon and I were dating, my car got towed. I was living in D.C. and parked out in front of my house while we went to grab Jon's luggage and take him to their airport to go back home to L.A. In the time we went into the house my car was towed. I hadn't realized we were in a no parking time right then. So I hailed a cab for Jon and the next morning before work my roommate took me to the impound lot to get my car.

Now I didn't live in a nice part of D.C. In fact, one cabbie who took me home said, "You don't actually live here do you?" When I said I did he said, "Lady, you gotta move! This is not a good place." I told him it was not that bad to which he replied, "No it is. I got shot a block from here. You gotta move."

Well as bad as my area was, the impound lot was WAY worse. It was in one of the areas I was scared to go to and trust me when I say not much scared me back then. So my roommate dropped me off and headed to work and I walked into the impound office in my business suit and heels feeling very out of place and asked for my car.

That's when they lady told me I couldn't get my car out because it was registered in my dad's name. I tried to see if there was any way she could call my dad and he could let me get the car. No deal. She said I would have to have him go get a notarized statement and have it sent to the impound to get the car.

I was beside myself. I was stranded and scared. This was not an area where cabs drove by regularly. I walked out of the office and saw a pay phone. Luckily, while I didn't have a cell phone back then, my parents had a 1-800 number we could use to call in case of an emergency. I used it.

It was between 7:00-8:00 a.m. in D.C. that means between 3:00 and 4:00 a.m. Las Vegas time. I didn't even think about that as I dialed the number. I woke my dad up of course. I was crying. I explained my situation. I don't know what I thought he would be able to do from his bed 3000 miles away but that didn't even give me pause. My dad just always was able to help me when I was in trouble and so calling him was instinct.

He told me to put the impound lady on the phone. Well, she was in the office and I was out on the street, so I couldn't do that. I told him that she wasn't going to budge. I had already done my best to persuade her. He told me to wait 5 minutes and call him back. He was going to call her.

So I hung up. 5 minutes later I called back. He told me to go in the office. She would ask to see my ID and give me the car. Miracle right? No that is just my dad. Apparently, my mom's name, Ann Harris, was also on the registration and my name is Stephanie Ann Harris. He told the lady I was on the registration but that he had used my middle name on the registration not my first. I was never more grateful to be named after my mother.

So I showed my ID and she showed me my car. I got in to find out the lights had been left on and the battery was dead. I had jumper cables but no one to give me a jump. The lady said she couldn't help me with that. So I went back to the street with my jumper cables to try and find a good Samaritan in the hood. I thought I had it made when a police car came by. I ran up to him and asked for his help. He told me he wouldn't give me a jump and that I really shouldn't be in that neighborhood. Thanks copper. Thanks. And he drove off.

After about 15 minutes doing all I could to get someone to stop, short of hiking up my skirt, the lady from the office finally came out and took pity on me and told me that although it was against policy, she would use one of the impound cars to give me jump. I have no doubt this change of heart was prompted by my father's phone call and the way he connected with her the way he did and does will all people. I finally got out of there. Thanks be to my father.

A second story: my scariest experience ever.

One night when I was a very young child I turned my light off and took my customary two giant steps toward my bed and jumped up onto it. I had an antique iron bed that was almost a foot off the ground with nothing underneath and covers that came to just inches from the floor. I was always scared something would be hiding under there to get me since that was a place I often hid.

So I would jump onto my bed from as far away as possible each night. As I laid there trying to fall asleep, I felt my bed move. I froze in fright. Being the completely logical reasonable girl I was, I started to come up with how my bed could move on its own that were NOT my fear of a monster being under there.

Maybe the wind did it. No the window was closed. Maybe I had moved and didn't realize it. Hmmm. Maybe? So I laid perfectly still, frozen in place and waited. And the bed DEFINITELY moved again. At this point, I screamed, "DAAAAAADDDD!!!!" My dad was half asleep as he came to my room, turned on the light and asked me what was wrong.

"Something's under my bed!" I told him. At this point he signed an exhausted sign and said, "Stephanie, there is nothing under your bed. Look under your bed and see so we can all go back to bed."

"Nu uh! No way! There is SOMETHING under my bed!!!"

He tried again to persuade me to look under my bed so I could see my fears were unfounded and we could go to bed. I would not. No way. "YOU look under my bed!" I said. Seeing I was firm in my decision, he said, "Fine. If I come look under your bed will you then look and see there is nothing there so we can go to bed?"

I considered this. After a few moments I consented. So my dad walked over to my bed and while lifting the bed spread so he could look under my bed and slowly bending down he kept his eyes on me. He had a little half grin on his face and twinkle in his eye as he teasingly said to me, "I'm looking under your bed. I'm looking under your bed..."

At this point the something under my bed reached out and grabbed my dad's ankle.

In one fail swoop and with a startled yelp, my dad was OUT of my room and in the hall. And I was left alone with the thing under my bed!

Then I heard my older sister Lesli laughing... from under my bed. She got us both... good. I learned that it is good to face your fears. They are most likely not as scary as you think.

Hope you enjoyed those two stories. I love my dad and I am grateful for him.

Family photos

We took family photos today. We also saw my nephew Bunker get baptized. Oh and we had a few other things on the agenda too that basically have all combined to wear me out tonight.

So I will be short in just saying how grateful I am for family photos... Especially these...

Forever families

Today, for the first time in quite a long time, I have just really been feeling a great longing to hold Camille. Maybe it is because Harrison is getting bigger and feels less like a baby every day. And knowing I am not having another baby, my arms are beginning to feel more empty.

But even as I feel these intense almost tangible longings to squeeze her little thigh and kiss her sweet cheeks, I know that she will be mine again one day. The day will come when I will be able to satisfy this longing perfectly.

I am so thankful to have been taught the true doctrine of the Eternal nature of the family from my birth. I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who will one day right all wrongs and fill with joy the cavities carved into our souls by sorrows of this world.

I am grateful to be sealed by the Holy Priesthood of God by one authorized to use that power even as Peter was in the meridian of time. 

I miss my Camille. I am grateful that my family can one day be all together Eternally. I am grateful for Eternal families.

Annie

Few stars shine as brightly as my Annie. I feel honored to be her mother. She has a fever today and has been hanging around snuggling up with the boys and me. It has been wonderful to get to spend all the extra time with her. 

This morning I told a friend about how hard she was as a baby. She would just cry inconsolable for hours. She forced me to step up my parenting game as a toddler. But every year she has gotten easier to parent and more well behaved. 

It is not uncommon now for her to gently point out ways I need to improve in my parenting or things I need to do to help her siblings learn something I have taught her. Nearly always her "advice" or "reproach" is right on point. I love her mind, her wisdom, her talents, her cuteness, her strength... I just love her.

I am grateful for my Annie.

Children

Children are an heiritage of The Lord. I was mightily blessed to be able to conceive children quickly and easily. I am so grateful I was able to give birth to my 6 lovely children.

Yesterday I read a real and honest post of a friend of mine. She and her husband did not have this fertility blessing. Three years ago they were finally able to adopt an adorable little boy who has become one of Harrison's best friends. Harrison asks daily if he can oh to Jacobs house.

Jacob's parents, Jana and Rob, have been working to adopt a sibling for Jacob  for the past two years. You think waiting 9 months for a baby is hard. Then you get a view from an adopting mother's eyes.

I thought I would share a link to Jana's blog post that spoke to me yesterday. I hope if anyone one out there who reads this knows someone who is thinking of giving a child up for adoption, that you will consider Jana and Rob.

Check out their blog At robandjana.blogspot.com

Work

Jonathan has left for work. The girls are off to school. I am hanging out with the boys. Today I express my gratitude for my husband's employment.

I know how blessed I am to be able to stay at home with my children. I am so grateful for my husband and his faithfully working to support our family. I am also grateful to his employer for hiring him, his coworkers who seem like great people and make the time Jon spends in the office enjoyable.

I also give thanks to my brother Stephen for his networking help that led the way to finding this job.

Most of all I thank God for opening these employment doors for us and for preserving our health and mental acuity so that both Jon and I can do those jobs required of us.