Friday, June 15, 2018

10 years

10 years. A decade. That is more than half my marriage. 10 years ago was Father's Day. It was also the day we turned off Camille's machines and let her go home to her Father. I mostly just like to pretend this day doesn't exist each year. Like if I could take a sharpie to the calendar I would just knock June 13 and 15 off the calendar. I'd prefer these days didn't exist. But year 10 has been unexpectedly emotional in ways no other year has. Her birthday was so weepy for me. This day I am just reflective on the accomplishment it has been to live the last 10 years with any degree of normalcy.

I have to say that second to the healing power of the Atonement, the greatest help to me in getting through the last 10 years has been the unfailing, unwavering, unconditional love of my husband Jonathan Waite. This Father's Day I honor him as a father because not only is he great with his kids but he has done the greatest service for them by loving me, building me up, and walking with me these last 10 years. 

Losing a child, especially in an accidental manner like we did, can reek havoc on a marriage. And while our marriage is not perfect and we still work through things, losing Camille has never been a wedge between us. There has never been any blame or any of that. We may not experience grief the same but we allow space for each others grief in our relationship. I am endlessly thankful for that space and understanding from Jonathan.

And to my angel girl--well on this day I guess I will just say 10 down maybe 40-50 more to go. Maybe that sounds awful. But to me it sounds hopeful. Kinda like when I am running and I tell myself I am 1/5 of the way done. Doesn't mean I have to hate every minute of the rest of the 4/5s but I am always looking forward to the finish line. And in the expanse of grief as a young bereaved mother - being 1/5 of the way done feels like I am finally getting somewhere.

So here is to the 10 year mark.


mellabie said...

Wow! Truely heartfelt! Thanks for sharing your heart! Blessings to you that each year may be a little more bearable.

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Joan said...

I lost my daughter to cancer two weeks before your Camille went Home, and know I was blessed to find your blog when I needed it most. You expressed loss when I couldn't find words for my grief. I agree that for some reason the ten year mark has been more difficult than others. I think of you often and like you, I am so very grateful for the knowledge that we will see our girls again.

Liz T said...

Thanks Steph. You are an amazing example. As I stare at the ginormous pile of laundry that needs to be put away, all the floors that need to be mopped, and the tidying for company that’s yet to be done, my thoughts turn to my mom and how the yearly trip to the seaside to visit her won’t happen this summer. I’m just starting this journey of grief and appreciate all your good insight.