Love Multiplies

How can so many people so completely capture your heart? With the birth of each child I am once again amazed that love is not divided but multiplied. It feels as though each of my children has the full capacity of love from my heart. It is a mystifying reality.

Tonight I was thinking about Sabrina as we are preparing for her baptism in a couple of weeks. As I was thinking about her and imagining her in her baptism dress, my whole self was filled with love for her and joy in seeing what a beautiful, loving young lady she is becoming. I wondered that there could be any room to love any other child. And in the middle of that thought I was filled with missing. 

It is with that same intensity that I love my sweet Camille though I cannot see her grow and become. I know she is still growing and becoming. And there is the same consuming love and joy in that knowledge. But there is an equally intense missing.

Motherhood is a magical thing. That we are able to love so fully each of the children God allows us to assist in creating is truly miraculous and wonderful. Through the joy and the sorrow of such great love we learn so much about our Father and our relationship to Him. Oh that I might live my life to bring Him joy.

Saying Goodbye

One of the curious parts of birthing Noble was how long it took for him to come out after my water broke. Now I am very aware that his birth was a quick one. But I expected it would have been much shorter from the time my water broke (I was fully dilated on one side and just had a little bit of cervix left on the other side when this happened) till the time he came into the world. 

I thought it would be a matter of minutes but it turned out to be just over 2 hours. Yet as I labored through the contractions waiting his arrival, one thought kept me filled with patience. I remember how hard it was for us to say goodbye to our sweet Camille. I felt distinctly that he was saying his goodbyes. That was not something I wanted to rush.

Later on in one of those quiet moments alone in my room with Noble, I laid him up on my bare skin just over my heart so he could hear it beating. As he was settling down and falling asleep he reached his little hand over and grabbed hold of my Camille necklace. I wished someone were there to photograph it. 

A few minutes later Jonathan came in and I had him take a picture even though Noble by now was fully asleep and had lost his tight grip on the necklace. 

I have no doubt that these last 11 months have been sweet for Camille and Noble to be together. I only hope I can help him know during this life a bit of this sister he knew so well before. 

Photo Shoot 2

This morning we spent some time with my sister Lesli and her camera. Can I say one more time how awesome it is to be related to talented people? Yeah. We had a fun time posing sleeping 5-day-old baby Noble.  Here is one of her mock up announcements. So cute. Love it.

You can see more of her work on her photography website HERE.  Check it out!

Pain or No Pain

Life. It is a journey of experiences. So many are pleasant and pass without notice. Some are so wonderful they mark our memories and are savored for years. And, without fail, each of us will encounter painful experiences. 

In the height of our most painful experiences, we are reduced to our most primal selves seeking desperately for a way to make the pain go away. In today's world that is often possible. It isn't always, but for so many pains that we as humans suffer, there is now a pill or a drug or a distraction to take the pain away. How wonderful that we are spared so much pain through modern medicine.  

Still, life is far from pain free. So often we distract ourselves from realities that hurt. It is a good coping mechanism. One I have relied on heavily. But where would we be in this life if we could really rid ourselves of all pain?

I have a deeper understanding and appreciation for the lows of life than I did a year ago. A year ago I thought the law of "opposition" in all things was all about being able to better appreciate the sweet things in this life. Certainly bad experiences do help us appreciate good ones. But I have found so much more value in being acquainted with grief. 

It is our painful experiences that tie us to humanity and connect us on deeper levels. Painful experiences can tenderize the soul and soften our hearts. They can expand the chambers of our heart to experience greater love and empathy.

Painful experiences give us opportunities for growth. Though we would that they should pass and in their height we would do anything to make them go away, they can be spiritual fertilizer. They stink and are unpleasant but they help us grow. 

Last night as I said my nightly prayers, my heart felt heavy. I let myself feel the pain that is ever running in the current of my inner soul. And in the depths of it I felt surrounded by the love of the Savior. I felt a closeness to Him unlike anything words can describe. I know He walks with us, and even carries us, though our painful experiences. Though we would rush through them, it is in these experiences we are closest to Him and through these that we can come to "know" Him.

I am so grateful to know in a new way today that I am really not alone in any pain I feel. Those pains I feel in this life tie me to Him. And I am grateful for those ties that bind.

To the Generations of Mothers of the World

I have been trying to decide how to properly or best record the story of the birth of Noble. I have wonderful photos to share that almost tell the story all on their own. I have a great time table to tell the facts of what happened when and how I was feeling at each moment. I have a mirrored perspective of this experience as compared to our last experience at that hospital. And, with a few days perspective behind me, I have some thoughts and reflections I want to record about my "natural" birth experience. So bear with me in what I am sure will prove to be a rather lengthy post. I just want to get all of this recorded before it fades from my mind. If I can't finish today maybe I will do a few posts on this and put my reflections down a different way tomorrow.

Thursday May 7, 2009 8:55 a.m. - I have just gotten Sabrina off to school. I am still very pregnant. I haven't had any major contractions for a couple of days. I have been trying to kick myself into labor but nothing seems to help much except having my doctor "check" me. She is pretty rough about it and I always seem to have contractions for a day or two after she "checks" me. I am trying to decide whether to call and see if she will check me one last time and irritate my cervix in a last ditch effort to go into labor on my own and avoid having to be induced once again. I decide that the effort is worth the pain and make the call. I get a 2 p.m. appointment.

2:00 p.m. I go to my appointment where the staff is shocked to see I am still pregnant. They have already switched my chart to a "non pregnant" color because they were so sure I would have had the baby by now. I think "yeah right. me? go in on my own? I will probably still be pregnant come Sunday."

The doctor checks me and it actually doesn't hurt as bad as it has every other time. She gets wide eyes and tells me I am a 5 to 6 dilation. She says I am going to have this baby sooner than I think. I have heard that before. I discount it. She asks if I want her to irritate my cervix one more time. I figure why not? She does it again and it still doesn't hurt nearly as much as it has in the past. This time she says I am a 6 to 7 ... no I am fully a 7 and I am scaring her. She wonders how I am walking around and tells me I need to go to the hospital. She asks if I want her to break my water right there. I tell her no. I am still not really believing all this. I mean how can I be a 7? I am not even in pain. I tell her I will go home to walk some and think about it and hopefully see her tonight to have a baby.

3:00 p.m.  I call my parents, my in laws, and Jonathan to tell them the news on my way to the school to pick up the kids. Jon says "yeah right. You aren't having a baby tonight. Come home." My parents plan to head over to help with the girls. I call my friend Bari (she agreed to come act as my doula) and my friend Janelle (she is a labor and delivery nurse at my hospital and agreed to be my nurse for this birth.) They both say to stay home as long as I can, especially since I am not in pain and not having regular contractions. I tell them I will call them when I am.

I go home and pack all my last minute things for the hospital. Jon keeps wondering what the hurry is. It isn't like I am in labor. I take a bath and my parents arrive. We make dinner and watch a ball game.

5:00 p.m.  I have been home walking around my house and drinking water and eating some dinner. My contractions are hard for me to time but they are stronger and seem more frequent. My friend Janelle comes over to the house to check my cervix for me. She says I really am fully a 7 with a bulging bag of water and that I should head to the hospital. 

My dad stays with Lauren who has fallen asleep on a rocking chair watching the game. Sabrina, Annie, Jon, my mom and I head to the hospital. Janelle will meet us there.

6:00 p.m. We check in at the hospital and Janelle is there with our paperwork ready. She hooks me up to the monitors for 20 minutes. My contractions are about every 5 minutes but only one out of three is really strong. The strong ones I feel but they don't hurt. The monitor tracking their intensity records them "off the chart" intense. I find this curious and figure it must be because my water isn't yet broken. 

Here is Ann Marie very excited to finally be at the hospital to see the baby born.

After 20 minutes of monitoring, I begin walking the halls with my mom. We walk till my legs are tired (30 - 40 minutes) and then head back to the room. Janelle hooks me up with an IV lock in case I need an IV for any reason. My friend Bari heads to Target to get a birth ball for me. 

8:00 p.m. My doctor shows up. She checks me and my water breaks in the process. She says I am complete on one side with just a lip of cervix on the other side. Should be soon now. I blog that I am about to have a baby and wait in terror for the next set of contractions. 

My doctor, Michelle Lewis, eats a popsicle with Sabrina (in the lower right corner). She is ready for me to start pushing anytime.

Here I am blogging my post about my water being broken. Janelle is on the phone behind me.

The next set of contractions are a little bit more intense but still not bad. I am still a little scared but the fear is leaving me as I see I am able to handle this pain level rather easily. I do have to focus during the contractions now but I am still smiling and laughing between.

Here I am focusing during a contraction on the birth ball. Annie and Dado are giving me air in my hair with the pump. I was too focused to realize they were doing this.

This is my "focus" object. A necklace a friend of friend made for me after Camille passed away. It has a picture of the two of us on it. I know she will help me through this.

The contractions continue to get stronger and I am really working through them. Janelle checks me after my doctor steps out to help a colleague with a C Section. She says I am an 8 on one side and totally dilated on the back side. I am feeling the contractions totally in my back. I turn over on my hands and knees for a bit to see if the baby will turn around and face the right way. It works and the pain transfers back to my belly. 

I feel the contractions change to the "transition" type of contractions and I really have to breathe through them focusing on relaxing my body. They are about every 2-3 minutes now. My lips are dry and I am eating ice chips. I am getting tired.

9:30 p.m. My doctor comes back and checks me again. She says I still have a bit of lip on one side but that it is really elastic and she thinks I will be fine to just start pushing. I have no urge to push. I feel no pressure. I usually feel pressure with my epidural. I thought when you don't have the epidural you are supposed to "know" when to push. I am scared to wear myself out pushing too soon. I have done that before. I prefer to let the baby come down on his own and push when I feel the need. But somehow it seems that could take all night this time. I decide to give a few pushes a try and see how it feels. 

9:45 p.m.  I am gentle in my pushing. I am a little scared of pushing so soon. Between pushes I am smiling and happy to see the best coach ever encouraging me on. Ann Marie has the doctor gloves on and is standing next to the doctor. She is giving me thumbs up and counting the pushes for me and motioning with her arms like an air traffic controller to tell me to bring that baby on out. She is seriously WAY too cute.

My little doctor coach helping me push.

I am pushing and everyone is telling me I am doing great and the baby is almost here. It is only an inch from crowning. They say they can almost see his head. I still can't feel any urge to push and I feel no pressure. Why can't I feel him if he is really so close to coming out? I mean I definitely feel the pain of the contractions but why no urge to push? I ask for the mirror so I can see. (this proves to be big mistake.) 

9:50 p.m. They adjust the mirror so I can see. I see nothing. I push twice more and still see no head. Janelle tells me not to look at the mirror because it is not helping. Everyone is telling me I can do this and that the baby is almost here. I lose all confidence. I lose all rational thought. I lose myself and become a crazy lady. 

I am sure they are all just saying that I am doing great to try to keep my spirits up. The baby (if there really is a baby in there), must be still way high if I can't even feel him yet. This could take all night. How many shows have I watched where all the nurses and people are telling the mom she is doing great and the baby is almost here and an hour or two later she is still pushing. Too many. No. I can't do this. I start to scream through the contractions and tell my mom to take the girls out. I don't want them to see me go crazy. I start bawling and tell everyone I can't do this. I have changed my mind. I want an epidural. I can breathe through the contractions. I just can't push. I am too tired. 

My doctor puts her fingers in to help open the way for the baby to come down. I yell at her. That really hurts. I insist on an epidural. She looks to a nurse and nods. Then she tells me she is having the nurse call about the epidural but she wants me to push just one more time before it gets here.  (A very clever lie.) 

I am in another world. I have completely checked out. Someone else takes over in my body and decides to follow the doctors orders and push. She pushes with everything left in me and suddenly I feel the baby's head at my tailbone. My eyes are closed but he must be crowning. The nurse behind me says if I push it will counteract the pain. I realize the end is really in sight. I am mad at the pain and done with all of this mess. I am mad that I turned into crazy lady and that I couldn't control myself enough to feel comfortable letting my kids stay for the birth. All of that madness channels itself into the next contraction and in less than 2 seconds the whole of the baby is shot out of my body and into the doctors arms and then up onto my chest.

 

10:01 p.m. I open my eyes to see that my doctor has jumped up on the bed with me and her eyes are full of the fire of excitement. She is a great cheerleader. She helped me feel the pressure to push with her hands in those last two pushes. She is the reason the baby is out. I love my doctor. I love whoever it was that entered my body and made it push. 

I am still hurting though. I thought the pain was supposed to be gone as soon as the baby came out. I am still crying as I look at my son for the first time. I am hurting too much to hold him but I do take a moment to touch him and see his cute face. 

We cry together. 

He is taken away to be cleaned up and weighed and all that. Here he is weighing in at 8 lbs. 12.4 ozs. Meanwhile I am still laboring in my bed to deliver a placenta bigger than a honeydew melon and swearing that next time I am getting myself one BIG FAT epidural. I continue in this frame of mind all through the sewing up of my 2nd degree tearing. I feel most of the that process too despite the numbing shots. Is there an end to the pain? I am then hooked up to an IV to get Pitocin to contract my uterus back down and get my bleeding under control. Finally it is picture time.

Here are the angels that helped me through my own personal Gethsemane. 

After about an hour I am able to enjoy a few peaceful, tender hours with my newborn son and the unseen angels who helped the two of us through this most painful transition. I spend a good portion of the night enjoying their presence. 

I have contractions every 10 minutes or so till about 3 a.m. (Where is my epidural now?) Between the contractions, the nursing, the hospital interruptions, the trips to the bathroom, and the sheer adrenaline I only sleep from 5 to 6 a.m. The rest of my time is spent in shock and wonder at the reality of this all.

A few thoughts:

Opposite Expectations: This birth proved to be the opposite of everything I expected. I expected I would have to be induced. I expected the dilating part of labor to be hard and tiring. It totally wasn't. I expected transition to be part of labor where I was most likely to lose my mind and ask for the epidural. I was totally fine through this part mentally. I knew I could handle that pain. I expected to want to push - to feel an overwhelming urge to push - to know how to push. Nothing there. I expected to be able to keep my head and that if I got into too much pain I would internalize it. I did NOT expect to turn into crazy lady. Highly disappointed with myself for that one.  I expected to have a feeling of high after the baby was born. No didn't get that. Was still just hurting too much. I expected to recover much faster. No. I think my tearing was worse because I pushed the baby out too fast. This has been my worst recovery since Sabrina. I have torn every time but the other 3 were really quick to heal. I was ready to go dancing the next day. Sabrina it took 10 weeks (that was really a bad one) and this one I am feeling better now 3 days later. 

Would I ever do it without drugs again?: Hmmm. No. Mostly because of the after birth part. I like being able to enjoy seeing my child right after they are born because I don't feel any pain. I like being able to be patient in the pushing part so I don't tear as much. I like not feeling the delivery of the placenta or the stitching up of my tear or the first after birth contractions or the pushing on my uterus to check it etc... If all the pain ended when the baby came out I would certainly consider doing natural again. But, next time I want my kids to be able to be there and be sure I won't turn into crazy lady and I want to be able to enjoy my baby as soon as he or she comes out. But I am glad I did it once and especially this time.

In Comparison: I am very grateful for this experience. I found it cathartic. I found it interesting how similar the things that came out of my crazy lady mouth were to the day of Camille's accident in the consolation room. I am sure I was in somewhat of a "crazy lady" state that day too. Both events changed my life forever. Both were incredibly painful. Both were highly spiritual and attended by angels I could powerfully feel. Both were experiences I learned a great deal from. Both are experiences I never want to have again.

What I gained: I have a whole new perspective and respect for mothers through the ages. I have a new respect and appreciation for my own mother and what she went through in bringing me into the world. I realize all too vividly that I had a really easy time with this labor. I really don't know that I could have endured what so many women do in hours and hours of hard contractions and hours of pushing after. 

After Camille's death I have thought to myself SO many many times, "generations of women have felt this pain and endured it. They are all united with you in this grief." There is a certain comfort in being connected to these valiant strong women who have passed through this veil of sorrow in losing a child. Now I also feel connected to the "generations" of women who have passed through the valley of the shadow of death to bring a life into this world.

I am completely amazed that life has been perpetuated by these generations of strong, brave, powerful women. Seriously. This was my 5th kid. My labor was short and relatively painless up until the last 2 hours. How a woman does this with her first labor - the one most frequently the longest and most difficult - and ever is able to think of having another kid ... Well it just must be a heavy dose of Heavenly Amnesia that allows for that.

So this post is dedicated to all the mothers out there. I am newly in awe of mothers on this most special Mother's Day.

First Photo Shoot

Here is Morgan Noble just hours old. 

My sister Lesli took these photos of him.

 I love the hat she brought. 

It is so Dr. Suessish.

And now for our first "new" family photo.  

Thanks Lesli for the great photos!

Going Home

We are just waiting for the 24 hour mark to hit so we can head home. I found out that Noble is 21 inches long. i can't believe how close some of you came to guessing all the stats right. I will have to do some calcuations to find the winner.

I am excited to go home to my own bed. I don't sleep well in hospitals. I only slept an hour last night. So I am pretty tired and grumpy.

I want to write up the whole story of Noble's birth properly so I am waiting to do it till I am home. Maybe on Mother's Day I will do it.

I also can't post photos till I get home, but they will be coming. He already looks different from when he first came out. They change so much in the first little while as the swelling goes down.

I have had a few really treasured moments here in the hospital when all has been quiet and calm and the veil thin. This experience in so many ways mirrored my last experience in this hospital. I am still processing it all.

I am still in a bit of shock that I am no longer pregnant and that I didn't have to be induced. I am even more in shock that I somehow (and really I am not sure how) I was able to birth this child totally free of medication. I didn't even have an IV.

This has been an unreal experience and the hardest parts were "other worldly." The same could be said of our time here 11 months ago. Only this experience has ended in a sweetness that brings tears of joy where the last one ended in bitter peace and tears of sorrow.

My sister came and took some photos of Noble today. I look forward to seeing them. She has a really great eye for photography. It will be fun to see what she got.

I'll try to get a photo or two up tomorrow. Till then ...

Morgan Noble Waite

It is finished ... sort of. I am still hurting from nursing contractions but the baby is born.

Noble entered the world at 10:01 p.m on May 7, 2009.

He was 8 lbs. 12 ozs. I don't know how long he is yet. I will have to ask the nurse later.

I will write the story of his delivery tomorrow.or later today I guess.

Thanks for all the prayers. I needed them and they helped. Will post photos later.

About to have a baby

Well my water broke about 10 minutes ago. I guess my cervix is just a lip on one side now. hmmm. this is different. Haven't really been in pain yet. Kinda scared of the next big contraction but feeling REALLY lucky to have dilated this far with no big pain.

May be my last chance to update till baby is out. Isn't my hospital cool that it has internet access?

Ok. here comes that big contraction. Going to focus now. Yeah. bye

7 and headed to hospital

I just had my friend who is a L and D nurse at my hospital come over and check me. She says I am a 7 with a bulging bag of water. My contractions are about 3 mins apart but not all are strong. So we are headed to the hospital to birth this baby.

Will update later. 

Baby Tonight?!??

I just got back from the doctor. She says I am about a 6. She says I am going to be having the baby tonight. Hmmm. I am not having regular contractions or anything so I am home to walk and shower and pack my last minute things just in case. 

Who knows? Maybe I will have a baby tonight. That would be cool huh? You can watch here for further updates.

Advice

I think it is funny how so many of us have opinions (strong or otherwise) on labor and delivery. I thought I had heard all the theories on how to get a baby to come out after being overdue 4 times. I think my favorite was with Sabrina when one woman at church SWORE that taking a walk on the beach in the full moon would put me into labor. 

I love that there are so many comments on my last post. Now for the record, I am pretty much a skeptic about all the ways to get yourself to go into labor. Nevertheless, some of these suggestions or theories are kinda fun and not going to hurt anything so I am entertaining myself trying a few of them out. 

Sorry to those of you who said not to do the trampoline. I had already done it by the time anyone suggested it might be dangerous. In any case, I found it to be one of the highlights of my day. I had so much fun bouncing and having my girls show me their "tricks." They were tickled that they could do so many tricks that mom could not. 

I am not too worried that it did any harm. I wasn't jumping high or anything and I am pretty sure if little Noble has any loops or knots in his cord it is due to his extreme sport movements inside. This guy flips and flops and turns all over with the best of them.

I also did eat pineapple yesterday. Not an over abundance of it but it was in my sweet and sour chicken dinner. And nipple stimulation -- well that didn't seem to work too well either. I would do the pickle thing, but I really don't like pickles. I would also totally do the teeter totter thing except that I don't know where there is a teeter totter anywhere near here. That sounds like fun though.

I am going back to my doctor today to have her strip my membranes or irritate my cervix one last time. That does seem to help move things along even if it doesn't put me into active labor. Then maybe I will take my husband's advice and eat lots of chocolate and go to a movie with him tomorrow. 

Thanks for all the fun advice. It has been fun to read in all my spare time.

Officially Overdue

Once again I have seen my due date come and go. I guess my body just likes to hold on to these babies a bit longer than the norm. At least I still feel pretty good. (Although I suspect that after I give birth I will realize I didn't really feel good but just had forgotten what it was to feel normal.)

So I am trying out a new "theory" on starting labor each day I go over. We will see if any of them work on me. I did the walking thing. I did that again last night. I figure that can only do good things for me no matter how I look at it, so I plan to walk everyday. Oh and yes, I have also tried the "do what got you into this mess" advice. That hasn't worked on any of my kids, but like walking it doesn't hurt to keep trying right? 

Last night a friend did acupressure massage on a spot above my ankle that is supposed to make you have contractions or go into labor or something. I must admit that I did have more contractions than usual during the hour she was rubbing my ankles. I will likely be rubbing that spot in my spare time over the coming days.

This morning I humored another friend and tried jumping rope. That did get baby awake but did not break my water as she had suggested it might. I will try jumping on a trampoline later today.

The one trick I will not try is Caster Oil. I don't really doubt that it would work. I just don't feel like starting my labor with the kind of stomach pain I believe it would give me. If you have other suggestions, feel welcome to offer them. I can't say I will try all of them but I will get around to as many as I feel I reasonably can.

Doing my Part

The girlies and I with my full term belly

In an effort to do all I can to help get labor going at home, I put on my dusty tennis shoes yesterday and we all went on a good long walk. We walked the trail around the circumference of our neighborhood. By the end the girls were complaining that their legs couldn't go any more and Jonathan was carrying Lauren. 

I am not sure I had a single contraction during our walk but I was surely sore. I soaked in a tub last night and felt much better. I woke almost every hour and at about 4 found that I was having contractions about every 10 minutes. They were not too painful but hard enough to wake me up every 10 minutes. 

They have subsided now and I am going to go get a good nap in just in case. I almost got hopeful of going into labor on my own this morning. I think I will try taking another walk this evening. At the very least it will help me build up my lung capacity for the pushing phase.

A Baby This Week

I just got home from the doctor. She irritated my cervix. Never a pleasant experience. ;) She thinks I will go into labor on my own this week. I am not getting my hopes up, but will do all I can to help things along. 

I already cleaned all my bathrooms this weekend. Maybe I will end up scrubbing my tile floors downstairs just for the heck of it. That put two of my friends into labor last week. They were both not due till later this week. 

If nothing happens this week she has scheduled me for an induction on Sunday. So a week from now I should have a new baby. 

Just giving you all the update. I'll let you know if anything crazy happens like I actually start having contractions on my own.

Babies Blessed

We had two babies blessed in church today. First a little girl, then a little boy. 

Lauren was sitting on my lap (what is left of it at least) during these blessings. After the little boy was blessed. I said "Look at that tiny little baby boy. Isn't he cute? Pretty soon you will have a little brother just like that."

"But, mama, I still want a girl baby," she says to me. 

"I know and maybe someday we will have another little girl baby, but it will be fun to have a little brother."

"But, mama, I really liked Camille."

"Yes Lauren. I love Camille too, and we miss her huh? But even if we had a girl baby it wouldn't be Camille. And if we don't ever have another girl baby, you will always have Camille. She will always be your baby sister and when you get to play with her again she will still be little and cute just like she was."

The months pass. The memories grow dimmer. The waves of grief hit less frequently. Yet still the hole, the missing, the longing for her presence remains. I feel it for myself and in conversations like today's I feel it for her sisters as well.

Sister's in pajamas 

Adoring new sleeping baby Camille

May 12, 2007

Taken by Elizabeth Harris.

Feeling Good. Maybe Too Good.

Well the talent show was so much fun. The girls both did a great job. I will have to put some video of it up here if I can find the right cords and figure out how to do it sometime tonight or tomorrow.

We just finished cleaning the whole house and my mother is treating Jon and I to a night alone. She took the kids to her house for the night. That is the ultimate incentive for them to clean. So now my house can actually stay clean for a whole day! Wahoo!

As for the pregnancy update: I am feeling good. I mean my pelvic bone is popped out of place. I need to try to pop it back it but have been hoping it would do it on its own because it hurts to do it. But other than that and some pretty severe nightly heartburn I feel pretty good. I do have contractions but they don't hurt and they are not regularly spaced or often.

I think Jon and I will spend part of our alone time walking a mall or something. I am not as anxious to have this baby born as I have been with most of my other children. I was not really anxious with Sabrina because I just had no idea what motherhood would be like. I couldn't conceive the amount of love and joy she would bring to me.

With Ann Marie I knew what to expect and thought I was nervous about labor (Sabrina's was pretty awful), I was excited to bring her into the world and get to know her. Turned out her labor was super easy and rather fun. Then she spent the next 6 months crying. 

With Lauren, I was so burdened by the weight of her and about 10 lbs of extra amniotic fluid that I was really anxious to be done with pregnancy. That was a very relieving birth. With Camille, the end of my pregnancy was so painful with this pelvic bone thing that I was counting the minutes.

This pregnancy I feel better than I did with Lauren or Camille. And there is a bit of the unknown with how it will feel to have a son. And mostly, I guess I have an anticipated anxiety to face. Right now it seems so much safer and easier to take care of this little guy with him inside me and cushioned so well. 

I know I am going to have to fight the paranoia virus that has infected me when this tiny helpless little life joins us in the outside world. One day at a time. One breath at a time. With faith and trust in the Creator's plan.

Bedtime Story

One of my kids favorite bedtime stories is the true story I tell of the time I was most scared in my life. Seeing as nothing much has been happening around here and I haven't anything more exciting to post about, I thought I would share this bedtime story for my post tonight.

Long ago when I was a little girl about 6 or 7 years old, I slept in an antique white wrought iron bed. It was about a foot off the ground and I used to hide under it when I was trying to hide from my parents or my siblings. It made a perfect hiding place.

Because it was such a good hiding place I was always scared that a monster of some sort might be hiding under there when I went to bed. Each night I would turn off the light in my room and take as few steps as possible before jumping onto my bed from as far away as possible. This was all just in case there was something under my bed. I didn't want it to be able to grab my foot.

One night I followed this routine and then as usual began the nightly wait to fall asleep. I have never been able to fall asleep quickly. As I lay waiting for sleep to come, I felt my bed shake. Now I was a rather logical and reasonable girl and I knew beds could not shake themselves. I also couldn't believe there was REALLY a monster under my bed. I mean that was just a crazy fear right? 

I thought to myself, "maybe I accidentally moved and made the bed shake." It was a wobbly bed. "Or maybe it was the wind." Then I did note that the window was closed and so there couldn't really be "wind." Still I was not ready to accept the "monster" theory so I laid perfectly still, making sure my feet and hands stayed on the center of the bed, and waited. 

A minute later my bed moved again. This time I was SURE it was not me or the wind and I had definitely felt my bed shake. So like any typical little girl, I screamed out "DAAAAADDDD!!!!"

A moment later my father groggily came to my doorway. He had obviously been sleeping. He turned on my light and asked what was wrong. I told him something was under my bed. Like a typical father, he said, "Now Stephanie, there is nothing under your bed. Look under there and see for yourself and we can all go back to sleep."

I shook my head no. There was NO WAY I was looking under there. "No way Dad," I said. "There is something under my bed. My bed MOVED! YOU look under my bed!"

My dad tried a couple more times to get me to look under my bed but I would not budge on the issue. Finally he said, "okay listen. How about I will look under your bed and make sure nothing is there and then you look under your bed and see for yourself. Then we can all go to sleep."

This sounded like a much more reasonable proposition and I agreed. So my dad walked over to my bed. Then he began lifting my bedspread to look under my bed all the while with his eyes fixed on me and saying in a teasing voice, "I'm looking under your bed. I'm looking under your bed..."

Just then the something under my bed reached out and grabbed my dad by the ankle. In one fail swoop my dad jumped completely out of my room and back into the hall with a surprised scream. That right there was the scariest moment of my life. Whatever it was under my bed and just made itself known and my dad had left me alone with it in my room.

Then I heard my older sister's laughter floating up from the floor. My dad, now FULLY awake, came back into my room and got my sister out from under my bed and into her own room. 

I learned that night that when we face our fears they are often not as bad as we imagine. Sometimes the monster under your bed is just your big sister playing a trick on you.

On the Same Page

I love my doctor. She is so willing to follow my wishes and make the birth of this baby on my time table (or my body's) and not hers. Today I took in a "birth plan" I wrote up a while back. Normally I am not such a believer in "birth plans" because labor and delivery can be so unpredictable and really so much has to be decided during the process.

But I really wanted everyone who attends to me during this labor and delivery to be aware of my story. I want them to know that the last time I was in the hospital I was saying goodbye to a child. I am not sure how or if my grief will play into this birth. I have come to realize how unpredictable grief can be. Times I think I should be a disaster I feel strong and other times I am hit with a wave for no apparent reason.

So I wrote up my story for those who attend to me to read. I have a hard time telling people without losing it. There just isn't an easy way to tell people you had a child die. I included a bullet pointed list of things I know I do or don't want during the labor. 

I shared this "plan" of sorts with my doctor. She already knew about Camille. She was fully supportive of everything I wrote and put the plan at the top of my chart so it would be the first thing people would see. I love it.

Also, I told her I couldn't have the baby this week because of the talent show. She was totally helpful and told me to come back Monday to have my cervix checked then. She didn't want to accidently disturb things and get me started. I feel pretty confident that I can make it through Friday without going into labor now. After that, I think I will be ready to play ball whenever little Noble decides the time is right.

Not This Week!

I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow. My doctor has been predicting an April baby for a couple of weeks now. Last time I went and she checked me (a week ago) she got all excited. "I'm touching the baby's head. You are dilated to a 3! Let's break your water and have a baby!" She is funny--totally energetic and excited. 

"Hmmm. No this is not a good week," I replied. "I have company coming in town this week." She was sure that this fact would put me in to labor. Yet, alas I am still pregnant. 

Today I found out that both Sabrina and Ann Marie made it into their school talent show. Apparently they only had room for 12 acts. Sabrina will be singing "Maybe" from Annie and Ann Marie is playing Allegro on the violin. They have practices after school this week and the performance is on Friday. 

So that pretty much translates into "I can't have a baby this week." Hopefully my body will cooperate. I do still have one more week till my due date. And I have been dilated to a 3 before and still gone over due and had to be induced so I am hopeful. I can wait. Hopefully Noble can too.