Today I had a flashback. It happens every once in a while. A picture from that day flashes into my mind and I feel all the emotions associated with that image in my head. But I am really here two years later and the emotions have this duller, broader, more distant feel to them. And I spin whirlingly around in a cycle of intense and familiar grief.
The stages of grief whirl so quickly around in my soul that they often overlap and meld together. Sometimes, I get stuck in one for a few moments or hours or days. Today, I got stuck in anger. It is not a stage I have spent much time in. I never really blamed anyone or got angry at anyone specific. I just have occasionally felt like I did today. I felt like I just wanted to go break something.
I tried to snap myself out of it. I picked myself up and went to do some errands and pick up the kids from school. I distracted my mind. Then I made dinner for my dinner group tonight. I tried to make a family favorite of ours - my own version of eggs florentine. It was not the best choice for dinner group. Everything has to be ready at the same time to assemble and then it needs to be eaten immediately. Plus I made bacon and bacon wrapped dates to go with it.
By the time I finished I had a kitchen full of bacon grease, egg mess from poaching eggs, pots and pans everywhere, crumbs all over from the English muffins, and popcorn ALL over courtesy of Noble and Lauren. I felt flustered and overwhelmed and still just angry.
Realizing that my mood of wanting to break something wasn't the best one to have around the kids at that moment, I excused myself to go upstairs with Noble and I called a friend to vent. After about 45 minutes, Noble was getting sleepy and kept laying down on anything soft he could find so I wrapped up my conversation and put him to sleep. Then I went downstairs to face the music of my crazy dirty kitchen.
With the help of my family I got the kitchen back in order and the kids put to bed. And I have just finished watching So You Think You Can Dance with friends. I am feeling far better now. It helps so much to be surrounded by order and good, loving people. Still there is this little latent part of me that just wants to scream, or hit something, or hurt something.
As if breaking or hurting something will somehow get that pain out or transfer it elsewhere. The trick is that there is no transferring this pain. There is only going through it. There is no trick to stamp it out. It cannot be smashed or burned or kicked. I just have to get back through the cycle again to accept it and befriend it once more. Sometimes, I wonder if these mini cycles of grief ever really end.
As if breaking or hurting something will somehow get that pain out or transfer it elsewhere. The trick is that there is no transferring this pain. There is only going through it. There is no trick to stamp it out. It cannot be smashed or burned or kicked. I just have to get back through the cycle again to accept it and befriend it once more. Sometimes, I wonder if these mini cycles of grief ever really end.
