When Sabrina went to Kindergarten I cried. I wasn't worried about her in anyway. I just knew I was going to miss my little girl. When Annie went to Kindergarten I worried about her. Will she be bored? Will she try to be the teacher? Will they be able to challenge her? When Lauren went to Kindergarten I worried about the teacher. 

I know Lauren will learn things this year and be challenged. I only hope the teacher will have patience with her as Lauren tells her how to run the class. Lauren knows EVERYTHING. Even the things she doesn't know. And she isn't afraid to tell you about it. 

The other night I was making scrambled eggs. I already had the eggs in the pan and mostly beat up. I was just beginning to stir them up. Lauren was watching me. "Mom, you are doing it all wrong. You don't make scrambled eggs that way!" Take note here that she has never made scrambled eggs. She kept telling me I needed to stir it differently. Finally I said "Oh ye of little faith Lauren." To which she replied, "Oh me of little faith Mama. What does that mean anyway?"I told her it meant she didn't believe I could make scrambled eggs well. She said that was right because I wasn't making them right. 

When I finished the eggs everyone ate them and told how good the eggs were ... even Lauren.

After the second day of school I was asking Lauren how her day was. She said good. I tried to get her to elaborate. After asking a few more detailed questions of her without any detailed answers Lauren finally said, "Can you just stop asking me questions and let me think for a minute." I think I have actually said those exact words before. Scary. 

It is like she is a mini me when I was a little kid. But at the same time she also reminds me so much of my grandma Harris. I mean Grandma Harris used to tell my mom (her daughter in law) she wasn't stirring the Jello right. If that doesn't sound like Lauren I don't know what does. So it makes me wonder if I was a mini Grandma Harris when I was a kid. And if so I wonder how my mom felt about that. I guess I will have to ask her about that next time we talk.

I feel lucky to have Lauren. I love having a reminder of myself and my Grandmother in her. And hopefully in time she will learn there are more than a few ways to make scrambled eggs and Jello.

"Ah Man!"

When I was young (14) I was given an award by my peers as the person "most likely to be caught dreaming of her future husband." It is true. I did think about that subject quite frequently in the years before I got engaged. But it was more than just dreaming of what he would look like or where he would have grown up or how we would meet. I have always been a planner. I was trying to mentally plan my life out. Getting married to some dark haired, tall, attorney from Texas was just another part of the plan. Right? :0)

I may not have gotten my plans for my future husbands looks or profession or birth place right, but I did plan for other more important qualifications that I did get. Chief among those was a good LDS man who would be obedient to the Lord no matter what. Ultimately, it is that quality in Jon that is responsible for our marriage. It is because he was obedient to the Lord's instruction to date me - even though he didn't like me like that - that we ever got together.

So I guess it should be no surprise to me that my little Lauren has been wondering about who she is going to marry for many months now. Several months ago she was in tears in our car as she explained how worried she was that she didn't have a boy to marry. I suggested many and she turned them all down. Eventually I had to distract her so she would not be so distraught. 

Yesterday we were reading the scriptures in the morning. We are reading in the Old Testament. We are at the part when Abraham sends his servant to find a wife for Issac among his kindred. I talked to the girls about why it was important for Issac, and thus for us, to marry someone of our own faith. They gave me many reasons for why this is important and ultimately being able to get married in the Temple was at the top of the list. 

This was a great way to introduce our family's standard of only dating those guys who are worthy to take you to the temple someday. After all, if you don't date guys who can't meet this standard, you will never fall in love with one and have to make the hard choice between a temple marriage and the guy you love. 

So as we are wrapping up this conversation and the standard has been laid down, I hear Lauren say, "Ah Man! Now I am going to have to find a new boy!"

I tried really hard not to laugh as I asked who she had in mind. She named a little boy in her preschool class and then said, "but he doesn't go to church with us!" Lucky for her he actually is Mormon and just attends a neighboring ward. She was very relieved by this information as she wouldn't have to go "boy hunting" again.

Lauren Elizabeth

My Lauren turned 5 last week. Tonight I came down to tell me something. The way she talks is just so cute and I told her I wanted to just take a bottle and capture her "5 year old ness" and put it in the bottle so I could save it. Then I could take little sips of it down the road. She looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Yeeeeaaaahhhh, not going to happen!"

Alas it is true but oh that I could bottle a bit of her cute 5 year old essence up to savor in years to come. I guess that is why we have video cameras right?

For her 5th birthday we had a family party with cousins a few days before her actual birthday because all the cousins on my side were in town. Then on her actual birthday she had one of her best friends over. We went to McDonald's for happy meals and ice cream cones (her request) and to play in the play place. When we got home I painted finger and toe nails.

Then Lauren opened the present the little girl got her. Later that night we went to Red Robin for dinner (also her pick) and afterwards we had cake and ice cream at home. Our neighbors across the street joined us for that. It was a fun day for her and she got lots of fun toys.

Us singing. Me leading the song. Lauren protecting her candles from outside blowers ... like her Dad!

Last year her birthday was way hard for me. It was so hard to see what was suddenly my littlest girl growing up. This year I have had the same summer waves of emotion hitting me, but they have come with less force. I woke up a bit trepidatious on her birthday. I felt a wave of reflective sadness headed my way. Then I just decided I wasn't going to let it hit me this year. At least not on that day. Not on Lauren's birthday. She was excited to turn 5. I was going to be excited with her. And I was. And I am. In fact I love her 5 year old self and wouldn't have her go back to 4 if she could. Onward and upward.

I have been riding the waves since then watching the unfolding of the lives of the Sullenger family that so many of you have commented about on my last post or emailed/called me about. Thank you for thinking of me. It is an honor to me that you think of me as someone to help them. I have left a couple of comments on their blog. For now that is all I can do. Those first days you are so inundated with information and people and well wishers and all you can think about is, "How is this happening? how can I still be here? How can I still be breathing? How can I make it be different?"

I don't know this young family personally so I don't have their email or address so for now I will leave comments as so many of you have and when or if they ever feel a desire to reach out and talk to others who know what it is like, they will have my email and blog from my comments.  It took me weeks before I could even think about someone else and that other's out there were also going through that pain.

It seems every summer will have its waves. Luckily, for me the waves are not all grief related. I enjoy some happy waves with family and friends as well.

Noble with my brother Stephen from Texas in California.

Three families of Harris cousins (minus the 3 baby boys) keeping safe from the waves.