Thank you all for your love and concern for me. Yesterday was probably the hardest day for me since the day after we found Camille. I really appreciate all your comments. I want to address some of your concerns for me.
First, the "burden" of the blog -- This blog is not a burden to me. I look at it as therapy/homework. I started the blog intending to write nearly everyday. The audience keeps me true to that. I like to write.
Many who know me personally have asked me when my blog will stop focusing on my grief. My answer is, when I don't need it to anymore. Writing about my feelings makes me feel better. This has always been true for me. I have had some really good days in the last two months where I have written about things other than Camille and my grief. But I will keep writing about those subjects too as long as I need to get them out. I don't know how long that will be. I think it will be a gradual thing where the posts not about Camille become more frequent. We will see.
Second, as to my mental state :) I am doing much better today. I know the difference between sorrow/grief and depression. Most days I feel varying degrees of waves of sorrow. Some days I am not hit by any of these waves. Some days I am battered by these waves all day. Most days are somewhere in the middle with a wave or two a day and I am fine.
Yesterday was a whole different animal. Yesterday I was depressed. But the source of my stress was not the burden of the grief alone. Bearing this grief is like carrying a weight around with you. It is incredibly heavy. It is never taken away. We are just made stronger to carry it easier, sometimes even without noticing. I still feel the weight of this burden. But it doesn't usually overwhelm me.
Occasionally, big huge stressful things happen in life. You know the ones I am talking about -- illness, job loss, money problems, marital problems, family relationship problems, fight with a friend, etc. These happen all the time to lots of people and they just cause a lot of stress. Yesterday, I had a similar type of stressful situation with which to deal. It would have stressed me out and gotten me down under normal circumstances. But with the burden of grief already weighing on me, well it was just almost more than I could bear. That separate stress resolved itself favorably yesterday afternoon. Thank the Lord.
Here I have to say thank you to my mother and father. Their prayers for me gave me the strength I needed to pull myself up off the floor and carry on. Also a thanks to Mrs. Gallant whose heart boxes got painted yesterday by the girls and me. These little wooden boxes are so stylish now. And a thank you to my mother in law both for her continual prayers and for buying Hello Dolly and letting us watch it. Nothing can brighten a bleak day like singing and dancing to Hello Dolly.
As for the comment of the person who disagreed with the quote. Depression does not equal defeat. I am grateful I do not regularly have to battle with depression. I know so many people do. No, defeat is giving up the battle and letting the depression win. Defeat is physical or spiritual suicide. We must fight on with no talk of defeat. We must press forward steadfastly clinging to the hope we want to have when we can not see the Hope we need. Queen Victoria knew that depression can lead to defeat in battle. She would not let it win.
Depression is a tool of the Adversary. I know many suffer with it everyday. I am all for doing whatever in necessary to pull free of it. The Lord wants us to have joy in this life. I don't begin to purport to understand what it is like to live with that everyday. For those of you who do--fight it and may the Lord bless you with success in your battle.
To those worried about me giving myself a break and taking time to let myself grieve. I am doing that as much as a mother can. My kids don't want a mopey crying all the time mom. They make me happy and I try to stay happy around them. I also take time for myself when I need it to just let it all out.
Lastly, I am creating a private blog for parents of little children who have died. Every person invited will be invited as an author. We will all be able to post our feelings to the other moms and dads and get support though comments. It is just different talking to those who really KNOW exactly what this feels like. I have found emailing some of these other moms very helpful. I am not including miscarriages and stillborn children parents in this blog. This is not to say those losses are less significant in any way. I just think it is the experience is a little different and I am limited on how many authors I can add on the blog. If there is great interest among those who have lost children in utero, let me know and I create a separate blog for that. I could be on that blog too. :)
If you would like to be involved in this separate private blog and have lost a young child, email me.
Loves to you all and Thank the Lord for a happier day today.
