Jonathan and I drove up to the Cabin with the kids for Thanksgiving. Along the way I talked to him about some of the ways I feel I have changed since Camille died. I do feel like I have changed for the better in so many ways, but some of the changes I don't like. They worry me. They are not easy to discuss. It makes me cry to talk about them.
The issue we discussed this trip is how guarded I feel now. I feel so much less open. I have a hard time maintaining eye contact with people close to me but not in my little family. We talked about all the reasons I may feel this way.
Sometimes I think if I look at someone who knows me really well for too long they will see the hurt that is still there. I don't want them to see the hurt. I don't want them to hurt because I am hurting.
I don't feel that way with my husband and children. They share the pain I feel. It is a common pool from which we all drink. I don't need to hide it or acknowledge it to them. It is just there. I know it. They know it.
So Jon and I had what was for me a teary conversation about this on our late night drive. Then we spent the weekend with my parents, my sister's family, and Elder Sitati's family (friends of my parents from Kenya.) And the whole weekend I did not feel that inhibition. I had no problems maintaining eye contact.
I guess we will see if this continues but I told Jon on the way home that he was a great counselor and I guess I should use him more often to talk things out.
6 comments:
Thanks for sharing that. I appreciate you letting us in on these things that aren't easy to share but help us to understand more what it's like.
I know what you're talking about. For me, after three years it has subsided. However, I call it Shadow Grieving for a reason. It is there, as a shadow. The thing that I have noticed though is that only the people who carry their own shadow recognize another person's shadow... An interesting thought...
You sharing this made me remember something my father said to me recently. He was a nurse on a phyciatric ward at a Veterans hospital, and he said his patients with PTSD would have to talk out their worries and that would help them feel better. Husband are such a great counselor - you are right.
Thanks for sharing.
I hope that this talk with Jonathan will help you overcome this difficulty. It's funny how we set up these defense mechanisms to protect ourselves.
There are times that I avoid people's gaze as well. I hadn't connected it to my grief until I read your post, but I'm realizing that this behavior comes when I am feeling especially sad and vulnerable. Thank you for sharing this.
The greiving process still doesn't end after one year or after a new baby. We love you Stephanie and completely understand. thanks for sharing!
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