An Update

First, let me correct my last entry. I said that Jon had found a tooth. That was correct. But when I checked Noble's mouth this morning I found not just one but three teeth poking through his gums. He has been chewing on his hands all day.

Today Noble turned 4 months. I usually try to wait till 6 months before starting solids. I hate feeding solids to babies. It is so messy. But I have found that some of my kids are ready for them sooner. So with Jon pushing to start as soon as possible we tested out a bit of oatmeal baby cereal this morning. It was a hit. We sang Happy Birthday to Noble as he had his 4 month birthday cereal. It was sweet. The only down side was that now we have confused Lauren because she thinks Noble is one now. Well, I guess we can correct that as we go.

We got the whole thing on video and Jon did video interviews with each girl to get a video update on each of them. I really am trying to be better about documenting my family on film and in photos. I wish so much I had a million more pictures of Camille and hours upon hours of video. On the other hand, I am incredibly grateful for the video and photos we do have. Word just can't express how humbled I am to be fortunate enough to have such great photos taken by such talented people and at least one or two really cute videos.

With all this "updating" I thought I would give an update on me. I like to give a "reality check" every once in a while here. This is a time when I pull back my focus lens and give the fuller picture of where I am in my journey through grief now.

I am almost to the 15 month mark. Most of the time I feel very strong. I would venture to say that 97% of the time I feel -- well adjusted. I choose that word carefully because I don't want to say "normal" because really what is "normal" anyway? I don't want to say I feel whole or back to the way I was because I am different now. I chose "well adjusted" because I am feeling more comfortable with the new me.

I still have sore spots. There are still triggers that can bring my grief to the surface in a heartbeat. I still have paranoia to deal with. I can easily remember all the pain and anguish of fresh grief. But I do not feel it very often anymore. I am more used to my sore spots. I am developing strategies for dealing with my grief when it comes to the surface. I am adjusting.

I have more peace when I think of Camille now. I am sometimes able to think of her without thinking of her passing. I do have days now and then that I don't see the image of finding her. When I do see it I am much more able to replace the image with a more pleasant one.

I feel like I am finding a good balance between having my heart split between heaven and earth. I live most of my day with my heart fully here. And in the night hours (and often when I am posting) I allow my heart to roam beyond the realm of this existence and send its love and joys and sorrows to a place beyond the sight of my natural eyes.

I still think about Camille lots, but no more than I think about any of my other kids. I still have down days but they are rare lately. It is almost as if the waves are evening out some for me. I do not have such intense lows now. Or at least I haven't for a long time. But the tides do still rise and fall. It is just slow and less extreme now. I will have a hard month where I will be just missing her all month but the intensity is even and mild. Then I will see a turn in the tide and I will have a couple months where I feel strong and "well adjusted."

Lately I have been feeling mostly good (knock on wood.) I am grateful for that. And I feel like Camille is happy about that too.