Holding Back the River

Some days holding back the tears feels like it is as difficult as holding back the river from flowing. One leak and the damn breaks and I wonder if there will ever be an end to the tears that flow without permission. 

I don't know why some days are just harder than others. I don't know what brings the sorrow and grief pressure to the point of tearing open the hole in my heart. It just is the nature of the beast. But like the river that right now is raging angrily down the mountain at the brink of overflowing, in time the waters will recede and the peaceful happy stream will return. 

But for now the river rages and my mind is turned to the past. We have made a tradition of coming up to the cabin for Memorial Day. 

Two Years Ago

Last year we made an exception to go to Disneyland for Sabrina's birthday. We left Camille home with Grandma and Nana. I am glad she got some time with these wonderful women alone before she had to leave us. 

I remember dropping her off with Grandma Waite. Grandma hadn't had much alone time with her. Camille was just barely starting to understand us when we asked her things and still did not talk at all. I turned to her and asked "Are you ready to go visit Grandma?" It was meant as a rhetorical question. But Camille gave an emphatic nod of her head to say "Yes!"

That simple gesture gives me comfort now. I feel she knew what I was asking and was excited to spend time with her grandparents.

One Year Ago

Playing at Nana and Grandpa's house.

Missing my girl this weekend. Missing my girl. Let the rains fall. Let the river rage. The Sun still shines behind the heavy dark gray clouds. It will return in time. But for today, Let the rains fall. Let the river rage.