Friday night in Salt Lake City my father escorted me into a ballroom filled with people in fancy clothes. As we walked the center aisle to the front, I was introduced to the crowd. I sat at a table in the front facing the audience and beside the Young Mother of the Year from North Dakota on one side and from Kentucky on the other side.
After all the Young Mothers had entered and taken their place at the front, the speaker noted that we were the young mothers who represented all those young mothers in our states and around the country (and world for that matter) who were doing thankless jobs every day like changing diapers and cleaning up messes. But as she noted our role as young mothers if so much greater than just these daily tasks. She then asked this audience to rise and give a standing ovation to us as representing all the young mothers everywhere for all they do day in and day out without fanfare.
I sat there, wanting to stand myself and join in the applause, but staying still instead and soaking in the love and appreciation of that crowd on behalf of every young mother. I thought of all the times each of us has been up in the night with sick kids or been sick ourselves and still had to take care of the kids. I thought of all the times we have to disciple kids for their own good and how much we hate doing it. I thought of all the times our kids get mad at us for making them clean or take a bath or come home from a friends house.
So much of young motherhood is important but thankless work. And here was an audience of people saying thank you to all of us with their applause. And so I sat still and soaked it in for all of us and hoped I would be able to share a bit of that feeling with all of you. I wish every mother had the opportunity to get this standing ovation. I hope each mother who reads this will take just a minute or two to sit still and feel of the love and appreciation that was given to you during that standing ovation on Friday night. Turn on the beginning of the Oprah show and close your eyes and pretend it is for you. :)
I was so moved sitting there representing all Nevada young mothers that night. It was one of the most moving parts of the whole weekend. I really wished everyone could feel that love and appreciation, especially in those difficult times of motherhood. And then the thought came to me that every young mother does get a standing ovation every time she loves her children, or teaches them a correct principle, or corrects a bad behavior, or serves her unappreciative child in any good way.
I have no doubt that there is an audience of angels standing and applauding our valiant efforts to raise good and moral children everyday. I hope the next time any of us find ourselves feeling unappreciated or undervalued in our roles of mother, we will stop for a moment and turn our minds and hearts to the greater picture. I hope in that almost prayerful moment we will be able to feel the warmth of that heavenly applause and know we are doing the most important job on Earth. We are caring for and raising children of God.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
And the National Young Mother of the Year is...
Shawni Pothier of Arizona and the popular blog 71toes.blogspot.com. We are all so happy for Shawni and we know that she will do an excellent job representing all of us young mothers in her year as the National Young Mother.
I got home Saturday from the AMI conference and hit the ground running with the girls dance performance to attend and a list of things to do. I still am working my way through that list. But I had such an incredible experience in Salt Lake at the AMI conference and there are several things I felt or learned there that I want to share with everyone. It just may take me a while to get through it all or to it all.
I wasn't sure what to expect going to Salt Lake or how I would feel during this conference interacting with a bunch of women I didn't know. Getting to know new people has been a bit more intimidating since Camille died. It always means questions I have to answer that are not as easy to answer as they used to be (like how many kids do you have and what are their ages.)
But at the end of the conference I can say my favorite part was getting to know the amazing Young Mothers of the Year from the various states. I made so many wonderful new friends that I am sure I will keep in touch with. The Young Mothers I met were inspiring, strong, funny, beautiful women with whom I share so many of the same priorities and values.
I would have been so happy to support any one of them being selected as the National Young Mother. I was so happy with the board's decision to choose Shawni. Her speech was so good with the perfect mix of emotion and substance. And she had an incredible analogy about a hot air balloon ride she took and how the fire of that ride raised her higher. That "fire" is something we all feel and her perspective on it was inspiring.
We each had to give a 3 minute speech on the topic: Making a Difference, Strengthen Myself, Elevate My Family. Mine ... well I cried more and earlier in the speech than I wanted to. But I got through it and gave most of it almost word for word what I had written. It is the first time I have ever tried to give a memorized speech. I felt a little flustered by the time restraint and trying to not cry but I think people felt my message.
Since you could not all be there, here is my speech in you are interested:
I got home Saturday from the AMI conference and hit the ground running with the girls dance performance to attend and a list of things to do. I still am working my way through that list. But I had such an incredible experience in Salt Lake at the AMI conference and there are several things I felt or learned there that I want to share with everyone. It just may take me a while to get through it all or to it all.
I wasn't sure what to expect going to Salt Lake or how I would feel during this conference interacting with a bunch of women I didn't know. Getting to know new people has been a bit more intimidating since Camille died. It always means questions I have to answer that are not as easy to answer as they used to be (like how many kids do you have and what are their ages.)
But at the end of the conference I can say my favorite part was getting to know the amazing Young Mothers of the Year from the various states. I made so many wonderful new friends that I am sure I will keep in touch with. The Young Mothers I met were inspiring, strong, funny, beautiful women with whom I share so many of the same priorities and values.
I would have been so happy to support any one of them being selected as the National Young Mother. I was so happy with the board's decision to choose Shawni. Her speech was so good with the perfect mix of emotion and substance. And she had an incredible analogy about a hot air balloon ride she took and how the fire of that ride raised her higher. That "fire" is something we all feel and her perspective on it was inspiring.
We each had to give a 3 minute speech on the topic: Making a Difference, Strengthen Myself, Elevate My Family. Mine ... well I cried more and earlier in the speech than I wanted to. But I got through it and gave most of it almost word for word what I had written. It is the first time I have ever tried to give a memorized speech. I felt a little flustered by the time restraint and trying to not cry but I think people felt my message.
Since you could not all be there, here is my speech in you are interested:
Making a Difference- Strengthen Myself – Elevate my Family
Just over three years ago, in a quiet moment of clarity, I received what I believe was divine instruction. I had been struggling to redefine myself in this young mother stage of life. In the past I had been a student, a journalist, an attorney… Now I was a full time mother and I loved it, but still I felt something was missing. What could I do or be now that would help me grow personally and not detract from my mothering?
My answer came with such clarity that I could not help but act on it. I was going to be a writer. And I was going to practice my writing by blogging. That day I created a blog entitled “A Daily Scoop.”
What I did not know then was what a lifeline this blog would turn out to be for me and the difference it would make in the lives of others. You see I did not know that just 6 weeks later I would be writing about my journey through grief after the tragic drowning and death of my youngest daughter Camille.
From the day of Camille’s accident, I wrote begging for prayers on her behalf. I updated everyone on how she was fairing in the hospital. I wrote of her passing from this life to the next. And then … I literally wrote my heart out.
Everyday for over a year I let the pain I was feeling flow through my fingertips and into cyberspace as I sought some silver lining in the storm of my sorrow. My writing always put my loss in perspective and helped me see all the good in my life. It allowed me to feel a bit of sunshine through the darkness. It strengthened me every day.
And miraculously, it helped others too. I am amazed at the emails I get from readers telling me the difference my simple writings have made in their life. Many have found their own struggles mirrored in my writings. Others have been able to learn some of the lessons that grief taught me without having to experience it themselves.
I have also seen how recording our story has elevated my family. Last year I compiled most of my blog entries into a book. I purchased copies for each of my children in hopes that one day this book would help them better understand and remember this time of our lives and what it was like losing their sister.
After reading some of the book one day, my oldest daughter came to me with tears in her eyes and told me how reading it was like reading her life. One day I hope she and her siblings will see how God held our family in His hands throughout our grieving.
Every person and every family has a story. By recording our stories and sharing them with others we can build bridges of understanding and friendship. We can make a difference in the world. We can more easily recognize the hand of the Lord in our life. Which will strengthen us personally and elevate our families in faith.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Motherhood - Chapter 15 - Personal Assistant
How many times have I thought to myself, "geez, I wish I had a personal assistant." Too many to count. Life can be so busy. Yesterday - well this whole week actually but particularly yesterday - was a crazy busy day. I am trying to get prepared to fly to Salt Lake City with Harrison this morning. I am headed to the American Mothers National Convention where I will represent Nevada as our state Young Mother of the Year. I have to give a timed speech tomorrow morning. And tomorrow night the National AMI committee will select a National Young Mother of the Year.
So I have been writing and memorizing my speech and practicing delivering it without crying. It is still hard to publicly speak about Camille without crying and I talk a little about her in the speech.
On top of that two of my daughters are performing this week in their dance companies performance of Peter Pan. This has meant dress rehearsals and costumes and basic chaos. Yesterday I drove out to their dance studio (a 15 minute drive each way) 3 times in 3 hours plus running Sabrina to an activity she had at church and getting gas and making dinner and doing the laundry while taking care of the baby and Noble.
One of those trips to the dance studio (the middle one) was unplanned. But a friend called me up and told me she had just left the studio and that our 5 year olds were finished with their part of the rehearsal and were free to go. She had picked up her daughter and said Lauren had run after her crying and wanting to go home with her. So I hopped in the car to go get my little girl.
On the way home I was getting gas and was thinking about how grateful I am to be able to be a stay at home mom and be able to drop what I am doing and jump in the car to go save the day for my kids when they need me. How many times have I gotten a call from the school saying I had a kid whose pants ripped or got someone's lunch spilled on them or a kid who wasn't feeling well? More than I can count. And each time I have been able to run to the school and fix the problem.
I am so grateful I am able to do this without the worry of a boss or losing a client or taking time off work. I realize that this is a luxury many do not have and I am grateful to my core that I am able to enjoy this. As I was thinking about this and how glad I am to be able to run and take care of my kids needs, I had a thought. On this busy day where I was wishing I had a personal assistant, I had a realization. I AM A PERSONAL ASSISTANT! All moms are!
We keep the calendar. We drive the carpools. We put out the fires. We make the lunches. We do all those things that our kids can't do for themselves and then some. We make their lives run as smoothly as we can. We are their personal assistants. And if we raise them well, they hopefully will naturally turn around and "assist" us too.
So I have been writing and memorizing my speech and practicing delivering it without crying. It is still hard to publicly speak about Camille without crying and I talk a little about her in the speech.
On top of that two of my daughters are performing this week in their dance companies performance of Peter Pan. This has meant dress rehearsals and costumes and basic chaos. Yesterday I drove out to their dance studio (a 15 minute drive each way) 3 times in 3 hours plus running Sabrina to an activity she had at church and getting gas and making dinner and doing the laundry while taking care of the baby and Noble.
One of those trips to the dance studio (the middle one) was unplanned. But a friend called me up and told me she had just left the studio and that our 5 year olds were finished with their part of the rehearsal and were free to go. She had picked up her daughter and said Lauren had run after her crying and wanting to go home with her. So I hopped in the car to go get my little girl.
On the way home I was getting gas and was thinking about how grateful I am to be able to be a stay at home mom and be able to drop what I am doing and jump in the car to go save the day for my kids when they need me. How many times have I gotten a call from the school saying I had a kid whose pants ripped or got someone's lunch spilled on them or a kid who wasn't feeling well? More than I can count. And each time I have been able to run to the school and fix the problem.
I am so grateful I am able to do this without the worry of a boss or losing a client or taking time off work. I realize that this is a luxury many do not have and I am grateful to my core that I am able to enjoy this. As I was thinking about this and how glad I am to be able to run and take care of my kids needs, I had a thought. On this busy day where I was wishing I had a personal assistant, I had a realization. I AM A PERSONAL ASSISTANT! All moms are!
We keep the calendar. We drive the carpools. We put out the fires. We make the lunches. We do all those things that our kids can't do for themselves and then some. We make their lives run as smoothly as we can. We are their personal assistants. And if we raise them well, they hopefully will naturally turn around and "assist" us too.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Announcements and Spring Break
This weekend we went to visit my brothers and their families down in Southern California. My younger brother Darren and his wife Nikki and their twins are moving about a mile from my older brother Morgan and his wife Elizabeth and their four kids. I must admit I am a bit jealous of this - having family so close you can see them everyday!
Anyway, while we were visiting all the cousins, Elizabeth took some photos of Harrison for his birth announcement and then helped me design them. She is so talented and wonderful in every way. You should go over and check out her blog to see a sneak preview!
It was a great way to end our Spring Break before heading back home for a CRAZY busy week. I love visiting the Garden of Eden like beauty of California but even more I love visiting my family down there. I miss them and have to get my "Harris" fill by visiting as often as possible. Easter was all about family, yummy food, fun and remembering the greatest gift of the Savior.
I left the weekend with a full tummy and an even fuller heart. Thanks So Cal Harris Clan for hosting us and loving us so well!
Anyway, while we were visiting all the cousins, Elizabeth took some photos of Harrison for his birth announcement and then helped me design them. She is so talented and wonderful in every way. You should go over and check out her blog to see a sneak preview!
It was a great way to end our Spring Break before heading back home for a CRAZY busy week. I love visiting the Garden of Eden like beauty of California but even more I love visiting my family down there. I miss them and have to get my "Harris" fill by visiting as often as possible. Easter was all about family, yummy food, fun and remembering the greatest gift of the Savior.
I left the weekend with a full tummy and an even fuller heart. Thanks So Cal Harris Clan for hosting us and loving us so well!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Motherhood - Chapter 14 - Easter Joy
Today as I sat in church singing Hallelujah at the end of each line of our hymn I thought about how much joy there must have been that first Easter morning when Mary saw the Resurrected Christ. The words of the hymn highlighted how the suffering was over and Christ had erased the sting of death. And, having just finished a difficult pregnancy, I had a new thought or understanding of the joy of Easter.
Baring a child is an experience that is in the likeness of the atonement itself. The mother does for the child what the child cannot do for him or her self. She helps give life to a child. She goes through much pain and sacrifice to bring this life into existence. Mothers bring life in the world through the shedding of blood and water. And if you don't have drugs, there is heavy suffering involved in this birthing process.
All the same was true of the Savior's suffering for us so many years ago as he suffered and eventually died to give us life everlasting. He shed his blood and water gushed out of his side when the soldiers pierced him with the sword. He did for us what we could not do for ourselves. He has given us Life!
I am so close this Easter to that moment just 4 weeks ago when my suffering came to an end and that new life was placed upon my chest in all its wonder and beauty. Such joy! The joy at the end of the suffering and the greater joy in the new life created. Today, in church, singing my Hallelujahs I could feel a bit more of the blessed Joy of the end of Christ's suffering and the greater Joy in the Life he succeeded in bringing to each of us.
And as I sang, I meant each and every Hallelujah!
Baring a child is an experience that is in the likeness of the atonement itself. The mother does for the child what the child cannot do for him or her self. She helps give life to a child. She goes through much pain and sacrifice to bring this life into existence. Mothers bring life in the world through the shedding of blood and water. And if you don't have drugs, there is heavy suffering involved in this birthing process.
All the same was true of the Savior's suffering for us so many years ago as he suffered and eventually died to give us life everlasting. He shed his blood and water gushed out of his side when the soldiers pierced him with the sword. He did for us what we could not do for ourselves. He has given us Life!
I am so close this Easter to that moment just 4 weeks ago when my suffering came to an end and that new life was placed upon my chest in all its wonder and beauty. Such joy! The joy at the end of the suffering and the greater joy in the new life created. Today, in church, singing my Hallelujahs I could feel a bit more of the blessed Joy of the end of Christ's suffering and the greater Joy in the Life he succeeded in bringing to each of us.
And as I sang, I meant each and every Hallelujah!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Camille's 4th Birthday
We had a great day as a family on April 19th. I decided to do one extra nice thing for each of my children. I held my baby a little extra. I got up with Noble at 6 am when normally I would have sent him down to play with Annie and his dad in the morning so I could get a little more sleep. I snuggled Lauren in the morning. We got Winchell's Donuts which Annie has been begging to try for months. And I let Sabrina have a friend over for the afternoon and evening.
We also did service up at the temple and I tried really hard to greet the people I met with Christ like love pouring out of me and my eyes and in my smile. It was an amazing experience to focus so fully on loving each person I met that day. I tried to imagine how their loved ones in heaven would feel to see them again and tried to love them in that way.
And we took the family up to the temple to experience the grounds there before Jon and I did our work inside. The girls really enjoyed the atrium and the beautiful grounds and the peaceful, loving spirit you can so easily feel there. We met a nice family from out of town who took our family photo for us.
We made a birthday cake and had Camille's favorite foods. My mom gave us a pinata to help our birthday celebration. It was so fun. My neighbors sent us some tulips that made our birthday feel so complete.
And perhaps my favorite part of the day and the time since then is reading the comments on my last post about what acts of kindness people did in honor of Camille. Really I just can't tell you how healing it is to my heart to know that the world is just even a little better place, even if only for one day a year, because my little Camille lived in it. That is the best gift I could ever be given. And so I say THANK YOU. To all of you who tried a little harder and did a little more to make the world a little better place with your acts of kindness. Thank you!
Las Vegas Temple taken by Sabrina
We also did service up at the temple and I tried really hard to greet the people I met with Christ like love pouring out of me and my eyes and in my smile. It was an amazing experience to focus so fully on loving each person I met that day. I tried to imagine how their loved ones in heaven would feel to see them again and tried to love them in that way.
My children in the atrium of the Las Vegas Temple
And we took the family up to the temple to experience the grounds there before Jon and I did our work inside. The girls really enjoyed the atrium and the beautiful grounds and the peaceful, loving spirit you can so easily feel there. We met a nice family from out of town who took our family photo for us.
We made a birthday cake and had Camille's favorite foods. My mom gave us a pinata to help our birthday celebration. It was so fun. My neighbors sent us some tulips that made our birthday feel so complete.
And perhaps my favorite part of the day and the time since then is reading the comments on my last post about what acts of kindness people did in honor of Camille. Really I just can't tell you how healing it is to my heart to know that the world is just even a little better place, even if only for one day a year, because my little Camille lived in it. That is the best gift I could ever be given. And so I say THANK YOU. To all of you who tried a little harder and did a little more to make the world a little better place with your acts of kindness. Thank you!
Monday, April 18, 2011
Cami's Kindness Day - April 19th
Tomorrow is Camille's birthday. She would have been four. Four is the age I first throw a birthday party for my children. I have them invite a handful of their little friends over and we play games including pin the party hat on the princess. (I draw a life size picture of the girl by tracing her on the floor for this and we have kept them so they can see how little they once were.) And they get presents. Presents from family like they did the first 3 years and on this 4th birthday they get presents from friends too.
So if you have read this blog or if you know me or ever met my little angel girl, please consider yourself invited to her 4th birthday anniversary "party." Where ever you live, I hope you will have a piece of cake or a cupcake tomorrow.
But more importantly, I hope you will find it in your heart to give my little angel a present by performing an act of kindness above and beyond what you would normally do tomorrow.
I would LOVE to hear what you did. If you have time to write a comment and let me know that would be such a gift to me as I celebrate her birthday with my family.
We will be headed to the Las Vegas Temple to remind us how grateful we are that families can be sealed together forever. I am so grateful for the promises of the Lord given our family in the Holy Temple that my neither my marriage nor my parental relationships will be dissolved at death for certainly the love is not. It would only truly be heaven to me if those loving relationships could continue there as well.
So if you have read this blog or if you know me or ever met my little angel girl, please consider yourself invited to her 4th birthday anniversary "party." Where ever you live, I hope you will have a piece of cake or a cupcake tomorrow.
But more importantly, I hope you will find it in your heart to give my little angel a present by performing an act of kindness above and beyond what you would normally do tomorrow.
I would LOVE to hear what you did. If you have time to write a comment and let me know that would be such a gift to me as I celebrate her birthday with my family.
We will be headed to the Las Vegas Temple to remind us how grateful we are that families can be sealed together forever. I am so grateful for the promises of the Lord given our family in the Holy Temple that my neither my marriage nor my parental relationships will be dissolved at death for certainly the love is not. It would only truly be heaven to me if those loving relationships could continue there as well.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Motherhood - Chapter 13 - Charity
My new job at church is teaching the women's class one Sunday each month. It is a great job. One of my favorite for sure. Today was my first lesson as a teacher and not just subbing for an a teacher. The topic was charity.
My focus for the lesson was more about developing a charitable heart (especially towards hard to love people or people who have hurt you) rather than doing charitable deeds. Though certainly doing charitable deeds can help us develop more charitable hearts.
So what does this have to do with motherhood for my "motherhood" series? Well I have been thinking a great deal about charity and how to find the love in your heart for people who are hard to love or who have hurt you and one thing I keep coming back to is how sometimes our children act "hard to love" and sometimes they hurt us but as far as I have experienced, this does not make me love them any less.
So I guess I am realizing that mother love is a pure form of charity. And maybe if I can look at others with "motherly" eyes or as the Savior sees them, I can find more pure charity for others even those who are hard to love.
What a great blessing it is to be a mother! How amazing that the Lord allows us to have this divine experience of parenting to teach us how to love and give us experience that will help us become more like Him. It is a wonderful thing. One I wish for all people. I pray for those struggling to become parents. I pray that one way or another they will be blessed with this amazing experience called parenthood. It really does stretch you and make you grow in such beautiful ways.
And I pray that I can expand the lessons I have learned and the love I have developed beyond my own family and apply them more fully in my relationships to everyone in the human family.
My focus for the lesson was more about developing a charitable heart (especially towards hard to love people or people who have hurt you) rather than doing charitable deeds. Though certainly doing charitable deeds can help us develop more charitable hearts.
So what does this have to do with motherhood for my "motherhood" series? Well I have been thinking a great deal about charity and how to find the love in your heart for people who are hard to love or who have hurt you and one thing I keep coming back to is how sometimes our children act "hard to love" and sometimes they hurt us but as far as I have experienced, this does not make me love them any less.
So I guess I am realizing that mother love is a pure form of charity. And maybe if I can look at others with "motherly" eyes or as the Savior sees them, I can find more pure charity for others even those who are hard to love.
What a great blessing it is to be a mother! How amazing that the Lord allows us to have this divine experience of parenting to teach us how to love and give us experience that will help us become more like Him. It is a wonderful thing. One I wish for all people. I pray for those struggling to become parents. I pray that one way or another they will be blessed with this amazing experience called parenthood. It really does stretch you and make you grow in such beautiful ways.
And I pray that I can expand the lessons I have learned and the love I have developed beyond my own family and apply them more fully in my relationships to everyone in the human family.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Noble adjusting
Several people have asked me how Noble is doing with the new baby around. The answer is, "far better than I expected." Ever since Noble was about 18 months old he has been carrying around and sleeping with baby dolls. He likes to take care of his "babies." He has a natural love for little ones.
So the biggest problem we have had with Noble and our new baby Harrison is keeping Noble from "taking care" of this new baby. I have to be really careful to make sure never to leave the baby in a place where Noble can try to pick him up. This means I am holding either the baby or Noble lots.
But there hasn't been any of the jealousy issue or sibling rivalry that I have had with introducing some other babies to the family. Noble adores the baby. He loves to go over and give the baby kisses or hold the baby which he does while sitting on Mama's lap. He is quick to jump and run to help the baby and give him loves if Harrison cries.
And other than that, Noble is being a super hero. Here he is enjoying a Superman outfit hand me down from cousins...
So the biggest problem we have had with Noble and our new baby Harrison is keeping Noble from "taking care" of this new baby. I have to be really careful to make sure never to leave the baby in a place where Noble can try to pick him up. This means I am holding either the baby or Noble lots.
Noble first meeting Harrison
Still kissing brother.
Sharing lap space.
And a bit of Captain America
And Chocolate Pudding Man???
Love having "little boys" at home with me during the day. Savoring each moment of their "little" lives before they grow up and get hairy and leave me. :)
Monday, April 11, 2011
Emotional
I have been feeling especially emotional this last week. I am sure part of it is those postpartum hormones. But I don't feel depressed. I just feel extra tender. And I am not sitting around crying for no good reason. I have reasons. ;) I am just crying about them more than I think I would if I hadn't just had a baby.
One of those reasons is my parents upcoming move. It is really emotional for me to think too much about them moving. And since they have just purchased a new home and can start moving their stuff in later this week if they want, well, it is getting harder to avoid thinking about the reality of them moving from my childhood home.
This move of theirs has a double dose of emotion for me because their home represents more than just a million childhood memories for me. It is the home Jon and I lived in when my parents were in Africa on a mission. It is the home where Lauren learned to walk and talk, where Sabrina started school and where she and Annie learned to read. It is the home where Camille was conceived, born, and lived for 8 of the 14 months of her life. So seeing my parents move and saying goodbye to their house is like saying goodbye to another little piece of my own little family and of course another little piece of my angel girl.
Which brings me to my other reason for being teary. It is April. A week from tomorrow my little Camille would have turned 4. And I am just ... missing her. Four is a super cute age.
So here is a little walk down the 4 year old memory lane. Sabrina at age 4.
One of those reasons is my parents upcoming move. It is really emotional for me to think too much about them moving. And since they have just purchased a new home and can start moving their stuff in later this week if they want, well, it is getting harder to avoid thinking about the reality of them moving from my childhood home.
This move of theirs has a double dose of emotion for me because their home represents more than just a million childhood memories for me. It is the home Jon and I lived in when my parents were in Africa on a mission. It is the home where Lauren learned to walk and talk, where Sabrina started school and where she and Annie learned to read. It is the home where Camille was conceived, born, and lived for 8 of the 14 months of her life. So seeing my parents move and saying goodbye to their house is like saying goodbye to another little piece of my own little family and of course another little piece of my angel girl.
Which brings me to my other reason for being teary. It is April. A week from tomorrow my little Camille would have turned 4. And I am just ... missing her. Four is a super cute age.
So here is a little walk down the 4 year old memory lane. Sabrina at age 4.
Annie at age four.
Lauren at age four.
I can only wonder what my littlest girl would have looked like at age four.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Motherhood - Chapter 12 - Mental Snapshots
I am not a photographer. I stand in awe of those talented people who are able to look through a lens and know how to use their camera to make the image they snap look even better than the real thing. My sister and sister in law both have this gift. When they take photos of my kids or family I often think the photos of us look better than the real things (even without tons of photoshopping.)
But I have neither the knowledge nor the artistic gifts necessary to take really great photos like that. My photos never seem to capture life even remotely as cute as it is in real life. I see something really cute my kids are doing and go to take a photo and the picture I capture is always only a shadow of the cuteness I was seeing.
And so I have been taking mental snapshots my whole mothering career. And I am taking thousands of them now. I only hope that in heaven I will be able to recall these mental snapshots with the clarity of mind I had in the moment I took them. For the sad truth is that most of my mental snapshots fade in minutes from my too human memory.
I would invest in learning more about photography and trying to improve my picture taking skills, except that I don't really like taking pictures. I like the pictures. But I don't like being behind a camera trying to capture a moment. So I have to live with my mental snapshots as I am sure most mothers around the world do.
My girls, on the other hand, love being behind the camera. I suppose most kids do, right? Well Annie took some photos of Harrison the other day before his baby shower and somehow she managed to catch some really good ones. I was tickled to see a few of my mental snapshots come to life through her camera lens. Maybe I should invest in my girls learning more about photography ... someday. Check out Annie's mad untrained photo taking skills!
But I have neither the knowledge nor the artistic gifts necessary to take really great photos like that. My photos never seem to capture life even remotely as cute as it is in real life. I see something really cute my kids are doing and go to take a photo and the picture I capture is always only a shadow of the cuteness I was seeing.
And so I have been taking mental snapshots my whole mothering career. And I am taking thousands of them now. I only hope that in heaven I will be able to recall these mental snapshots with the clarity of mind I had in the moment I took them. For the sad truth is that most of my mental snapshots fade in minutes from my too human memory.
I would invest in learning more about photography and trying to improve my picture taking skills, except that I don't really like taking pictures. I like the pictures. But I don't like being behind a camera trying to capture a moment. So I have to live with my mental snapshots as I am sure most mothers around the world do.
My girls, on the other hand, love being behind the camera. I suppose most kids do, right? Well Annie took some photos of Harrison the other day before his baby shower and somehow she managed to catch some really good ones. I was tickled to see a few of my mental snapshots come to life through her camera lens. Maybe I should invest in my girls learning more about photography ... someday. Check out Annie's mad untrained photo taking skills!
All photos taken of Harrison at 2 weeks old.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Sacred Time
I have been spending nearly every hour of every day in my home since coming home from the hospital. A great deal of these hours have been spent holding my little son Harrison. He really is a Harris son. My maiden name is Harris and he just looks like my side of the family to me. I like to call him "little son."
He is a joy to hold. I don't have to bounce and jiggle to soothe him. He is content to just feel my touch. He rarely cries or fusses. Really only when he is wet or cold or hungry or has a big burp. It is so wonderful to have such a sweet tempered newborn to love on. I am treasuring every minute of it, even those in the middle of the night.
Often it is just the two of us, especially in the night like right now. All is quiet and peaceful. The cool night air slips in from the open sliding glass door and the only sounds are a dog barking, the quiet hum of the fridge, the faint chirping of crickets, and the sweet little gurgles of my newborn little son.
There is a sacred feel to this time I spend alone with him. It is almost as if heaven is still in his every breath. He looks at me with knowing eyes and I feel a stirring love and connection to this tiny being who I just met 12 days ago. How powerful a magic these mini miracles wield. They capture a mother's heart in an instant and hold it in a vice grip forevermore.
I feel the hallowed nature of this time more keenly with this my little son as so often our time together is in silence. Without the frayed nerves of trying to soothe tears and hush cries, I feel a peace and depth to our time together. It is a beautiful, wondrous, divinely sweet experience that I want to savor while I am in it and be able to enjoy again through memory all my life.
And so I try to make it more tangible to my poor human mind by recording my feelings today so that in my many tomorrows, I can hope to feel an inkling of this so sacred time with him so small, peaceful, and perfect.
Little Son Harrison - 6 days old
Harrison McKay - 6 days old
12 days old sleeping on my lap in the afternoon.
12 days old - spending quiet awake time at night with Mom.
Harrison's awake look that pierces right through me. 12 days old.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Nap time
This came to my house today courtesy of Amazon.com. My husband set it up and Noble had his first nap longer than 30 minutes since Harrison was born. It was wonderful, especially considering that Harrison and I slept too!
I never thought I would be buying a crib tent. I just figured I could train the crib escaping kid to stay in his bed. However, I never imagined having a kid who would stay in their bed and fall asleep but only sleep for 10 minutes and then wake up and leave for the day.
So thanks to whoever invented this thing and Noble is going to have a good time "camping" in his crib for a few months ... or years. :)
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Forgiveness
The last two days I have been immersed in trying to listen to our modern day prophets and apostles teachings as they speak in a world wide general conference. This has proven rather challenging with our highly sleep deprived almost 2 year old present.
Noble is sick and we are struggling to get him to sleep now that he won't stay in a crib. Naps have become almost totally impossible. I think we managed to get a 20 minute power nap in today. And considering the fact that he woke up for the day at 4 am it has been a bit crazy. But I digress ...
I did have one thought today as I listened to conference that I felt was worth blogging. I am not sure the talk being given addressed this topic specifically but it spurred a few thoughts on forgiveness in my own mind.
I think the talk was on repentance. As I listened I started thinking about forgiveness. I was thinking about how forgiving the Lord is when we turn to Him in sincere repentance. Whether the sin is great or small, the Lord is so generous to forgive the repentant sinner.
The Savior has instructed us to forgive our fellowman. It is not even our place to decide if forgiveness is merited by the sinner, we are simply to forgive and leave judgement to the Savior, who truly knows the state of the heart. Forgiving is actually a service to ourselves. It removes the bitterness of anger and revenge from our hearts and allows us to move past our sorrows and pain to a place of peace, regardless of whether the offender is sorry or not.
Some things are harder to completely forgive than others of course. Some things are so difficult to forgive they require the help of the Savior himself to let go of the pain. But I do believe forgiveness is always possible with the help of the Savior and it is always the best path for us.
As I thought about this, I thought about how so often the times it is hardest to dole out forgiveness is when the offender is yourself. Sometimes it seems that we must be the last person to forgive ourselves and if anyone is still hurting from our actions, including ourselves, we must hold that grudge and blame. The tragedy of this just hit me as I was listening.
What a tool Satan has in this self destructive pattern. I thought of a conversation I had with one my children a few days after Camille died. This child felt Camille's death was her fault. It wasn't. Any small thing any one of us did that day could have made that day different. It wasn't anyone's fault. Certainly not this child's. To hear her express this feeling literally broke my heart.
I talked to her about the difference between failing to prevent a tragedy and causing one to happen. I told her it was not her job to prevent such things. I told her that if she needed to blame someone, she could blame me. But the Truth was that it wasn't anyone's fault. It just happened and I felt strongly that it was Camille's time to go and if she hadn't drowned that day she would have died some other way and maybe some more painful way. We just can't know for sure.
And as I talked to her, I could see my Heavenly Father feeling the very same emotions I was anytime I blamed myself for not keeping Camille safe that day. The experience helped me forgive myself.
When we neglect to forgive ourselves once the Savior has forgiven us, we place ourselves as a higher judge than Him. I know how difficult it can be to forgive ourselves when we have either knowingly or unknowingly caused great pain to ourselves or others. But we are commanded to forgive all men, ourselves included. And I know that with the Savior's help, it is ALWAYS possible and it is always the best path.
Noble is sick and we are struggling to get him to sleep now that he won't stay in a crib. Naps have become almost totally impossible. I think we managed to get a 20 minute power nap in today. And considering the fact that he woke up for the day at 4 am it has been a bit crazy. But I digress ...
I did have one thought today as I listened to conference that I felt was worth blogging. I am not sure the talk being given addressed this topic specifically but it spurred a few thoughts on forgiveness in my own mind.
I think the talk was on repentance. As I listened I started thinking about forgiveness. I was thinking about how forgiving the Lord is when we turn to Him in sincere repentance. Whether the sin is great or small, the Lord is so generous to forgive the repentant sinner.
The Savior has instructed us to forgive our fellowman. It is not even our place to decide if forgiveness is merited by the sinner, we are simply to forgive and leave judgement to the Savior, who truly knows the state of the heart. Forgiving is actually a service to ourselves. It removes the bitterness of anger and revenge from our hearts and allows us to move past our sorrows and pain to a place of peace, regardless of whether the offender is sorry or not.
Some things are harder to completely forgive than others of course. Some things are so difficult to forgive they require the help of the Savior himself to let go of the pain. But I do believe forgiveness is always possible with the help of the Savior and it is always the best path for us.
As I thought about this, I thought about how so often the times it is hardest to dole out forgiveness is when the offender is yourself. Sometimes it seems that we must be the last person to forgive ourselves and if anyone is still hurting from our actions, including ourselves, we must hold that grudge and blame. The tragedy of this just hit me as I was listening.
What a tool Satan has in this self destructive pattern. I thought of a conversation I had with one my children a few days after Camille died. This child felt Camille's death was her fault. It wasn't. Any small thing any one of us did that day could have made that day different. It wasn't anyone's fault. Certainly not this child's. To hear her express this feeling literally broke my heart.
I talked to her about the difference between failing to prevent a tragedy and causing one to happen. I told her it was not her job to prevent such things. I told her that if she needed to blame someone, she could blame me. But the Truth was that it wasn't anyone's fault. It just happened and I felt strongly that it was Camille's time to go and if she hadn't drowned that day she would have died some other way and maybe some more painful way. We just can't know for sure.
And as I talked to her, I could see my Heavenly Father feeling the very same emotions I was anytime I blamed myself for not keeping Camille safe that day. The experience helped me forgive myself.
When we neglect to forgive ourselves once the Savior has forgiven us, we place ourselves as a higher judge than Him. I know how difficult it can be to forgive ourselves when we have either knowingly or unknowingly caused great pain to ourselves or others. But we are commanded to forgive all men, ourselves included. And I know that with the Savior's help, it is ALWAYS possible and it is always the best path.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Motherhood - Chapter 11 - Juggling
With every new baby, or even every new major schedule change, we mothers have to relearn the art of juggling. I have been engaged in that tiring endeavor this week. The first ball I have been trying to keep in the air is my older kids regular schedule. I prepared well for that by planning other people to do their driving so that one has been pretty easy.
The second ball I have been trying to keep in the air is an important one -- Sleep. This has been tricky. With a baby who likes to sleep all day and spend "quality time" with mom in the middle of the night, and a two year old who has figured out how to escape the crib at 5:30 a.m., and girls who like to read in the night and rarely go to sleep before 9:30 or 10, well lets just say the windows for my sleep are narrow.
Luckily both boys have still been napping. They are both asleep right now in fact. And I SHOULD be in my bed snoozing with them. But we have a workman here putting in overhead recessed lights and he is making too much noise for me to sleep. I would put in ear plugs but then I wouldn't hear the boys wake up. Hmm. Maybe I will get a nap later???
And then there are all the balls that are laying on the ground that I haven't even attempted to throw into the mix again yet. Among these are a few I HAVE to throw in soon - like laundry (need to do some today), grocery shopping, play dates or outings for Noble and Lauren (they are bored of being at home and want to "go, go, go" as Noble says), and then there are other kind of important things like showering regularly and all that. :)
But somehow we do somehow figure out how to eventually get all the "essential" balls back up in the air. Because, hey, we are mothers. That is just what we do. And quite frankly... we are amazing.
The second ball I have been trying to keep in the air is an important one -- Sleep. This has been tricky. With a baby who likes to sleep all day and spend "quality time" with mom in the middle of the night, and a two year old who has figured out how to escape the crib at 5:30 a.m., and girls who like to read in the night and rarely go to sleep before 9:30 or 10, well lets just say the windows for my sleep are narrow.
Luckily both boys have still been napping. They are both asleep right now in fact. And I SHOULD be in my bed snoozing with them. But we have a workman here putting in overhead recessed lights and he is making too much noise for me to sleep. I would put in ear plugs but then I wouldn't hear the boys wake up. Hmm. Maybe I will get a nap later???
And then there are all the balls that are laying on the ground that I haven't even attempted to throw into the mix again yet. Among these are a few I HAVE to throw in soon - like laundry (need to do some today), grocery shopping, play dates or outings for Noble and Lauren (they are bored of being at home and want to "go, go, go" as Noble says), and then there are other kind of important things like showering regularly and all that. :)
But somehow we do somehow figure out how to eventually get all the "essential" balls back up in the air. Because, hey, we are mothers. That is just what we do. And quite frankly... we are amazing.
Winner Winner
We had 2 winners for the guess the baby stats game. Rebecca (the very first commenter) and Joyce Kay both guessed the exact right stats. 8lbs 3 ozs and 20 inches long.
Congrats to both of you. I would send you a prize but realistically I have no time. :) Your prize is the glory of knowing you win!
Thanks for playing everyone!
Today at the doctors Harrison weighed in at 7 lbs. 11 ozs and 21 inches long. He is growing!
Congrats to both of you. I would send you a prize but realistically I have no time. :) Your prize is the glory of knowing you win!
Thanks for playing everyone!
Today at the doctors Harrison weighed in at 7 lbs. 11 ozs and 21 inches long. He is growing!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
The Birthday that Almost Wasn't
March 25, 2011
After four hours of sleep, Jonathan and I woke up at 3 a.m. to eat breakfast, get dressed and drive the 30 minutes to the hospital for our scheduled 4 a.m. induction. I was tired but had trouble sleeping the night before because I was so excited and anxious. My parents stayed over at our house so we wouldn't have to wake the kids. They couldn't sleep either. It was like Christmas Eve for adults.
Arriving at the hospital the staff took me straight to my labor and deliver room 234. I got dressed in the hospital gown and signed the consent forms. The nurse then put in my my IV. She had a hard time getting it in the vein. After she got it all taped down she realized it was leaking. She took all the tape off and readjusted it again and then wiped up all the blood that had leaked out.
That was about when I started to feel light headed. I am usually pretty good with blood and shots and that stuff. But that 15 minutes of watching a needle wiggling around under my skin was a bit much for me. She laid me down flat and put a cold cloth on my forehead. Then the lab came to take my blood. Nice timing. Apparently they couldn't wait 5 minutes so they drew my blood and I closed my eyes and tried to get my head back.
I felt better after a few minutes. It was 4:30 by this time we got the Pitocin going and I was feeling good and wondering how long it would be before we would meet out little baby.
I was dilated to 4 from the balloon but the baby was still very high up. (Which was actually not that bad. Just crampy for the first couple of hours but then it was no big deal.)
8 a.m. I have been on Pit and having contractions all this time. They have slowly been increasing my Pit. My nurse checks me. No change. Bummer. More Pit. More contractions - every 3 minutes - they are tight and uncomfortable and won't allow me to sleep but not really painful. Just tiring. My nurse says maybe the doctor will come by at lunch.
12 noon - My nurse checks me again. No change. Big Bummer. She says she would break my water but the doctors orders won't let her with the baby so high. I am feeling a bit discouraged and say I don't think anything is going to change until my water is broken. She agrees with me. She says she will go call the doctor to see if he can come break my water.
She returns to tell me she talked to my doctor and based on her exam and how high the baby still is that the doctor will not be coming to break my water as he is worried about the cord prolapsing. Bummer. She says he has told her to increase the Pitocin so the contractions will bring the baby down. I am doubtful about the Pit producing any change at this point. I am tired and discouraged.
Around 2ish she checks me again and again no change. No surprise to me this time. I am beginning to think perhaps I have induced too early. This is reminding me of my first labor with Sabrina where I was maxed out on Pit for 12 hours at a fingertip dilation with no change. Nothing happened till the Dr. manually dilated me enough to break my water. Then I was in major pain from the Pit. It was a painful and awful labor. If I had to do it over again I would not have let him break my water. I would have gone home and come back a week later hoping my body would be more ready.
I like my nurse, Sheryl. She has had 5 babies of her own and has over 20 years of nursing experience. I express my concern to her that if the doctor won't break my water because the baby is too high and if the Pit isn't bringing the baby down ... what are my options? C section or go home? Given those choices I choose go home. I am beginning to think that is what this will come down to. I mentally prepare myself to go home. My nurse tells me as long as my water isn't broken that is an option.
She asks if I want to talk to the Dr. on the phone to discuss that option. I do. She goes to get him on the phone for me. I am tired and discouraged but remembering that first labor I am fully prepared to go home and suffer another week of pregnancy if it means my body will more easily open up and let this baby come into the world. I am even willing to plan birthday parties through my anniversary for the next 18 years.
My parents and Sabrina and Annie have been waiting it out with me since about 9 a.m. I send them all to my inlaws so Jon and I can talk to the Dr. and decide whether to go home or not. I am expecting we will go home.
The nurse returns and says the Dr. will be there in 30 mins. to break my water. I am surprised but figure if he thinks it is safe we will go with it.
3:30 ish the doctor arrives. He has the nurse press down on my belly where the baby's head is to hold his head in place while he breaks my water carefully to make sure a seal is formed between the baby's head and cervix to ensure the cord will not prolapse. This is a rather painful procedure but I understand the need for the caution and I know it will not last long. After a few minutes the water is broken and my Pit has been halved so I won't be dying from contraction pain. I can immediately feel the difference in the contractions and my Dr. says I am at a 4.5 in dilation. I request the epidural.
4:00 - the epidural guy shows up. After a failed first placement, he starts over and gets it in the right place.
4:30 - the epidural starts to work. I become a new woman. For the first time in months I am not in pain and I feel elation. My nurse checks me and tells me the baby has moved down to a 0 station and I am dilated to a 6. This is good. Life is good. My nurse begins getting everything ready for a birth.
6 p.m. My nurse checks me and tells me I am an 8. We call my parents and tell them to have the girls head over as soon as they have had a bite of dinner. They were eating at the time.
6:30 p.m. I respond to a couple of texts and say I am feeling good. I feel a contraction through the epidural ... then another. My nurse comes in. I tell her "either my labor has changed and I am in transition or my epidural isn't working. She says she saw things on the monitor that told her I needed to be checked. She checks me. She tells me she is going to call the doctor. I am ready to go. She tells me to put my legs together.
I call my parents to tell them to come immediately. They are in the parking lot thankfully. They walk in 3 minutes later and are quickly followed by the doctor who sets immediately to getting ready.
6:40 I begin to push with a contraction. I feel the head slide out. Next contraction I push out the body. Relief. Sweet relief. He is born at 6:45 p.m. Just a bit over 3 hours after my water is broken. It ended up being a long day of labor but I feel good about the experience because it was relatively easy pain wise. We have a healthy baby and I feel great. The doctor rushes out to deliver twins who went complete the same time I did. He had 5 inductions that day at 2 different hospitals. Crazy busy day for him.
They weigh the baby. Before I see the weight I think, "oh no. I am way over in my guess of 8 lbs. 3 ozs. He weighs in at 8 lbs. 2.9 ozs. He is 20 inches long. He is beautiful and looks like a Harris. Jon finally gives final consent to naming him Harrison McKay (the name the girls and I have been planning on for months.)
My dad and Jon go get Noble and Lauren from grandmas house a couple of minutes away. They arrive and get to hold the baby. They are loving and absolutely thrilled to finally see the baby. Sabrina and Annie were there to see the baby born and loved seeing him come in to the world.
I am thrilled to find out the hospital has a nursery that will take the baby at night between feedings so I can sleep. I am happy beyond expression to not be pregnant and my see my sweet healthy baby. He doesn't even cry when he gets his first shot. He brings a spirit of peace to the room.
What a great day. A day to celebrate. I decide to stay a second night to take advantage of the sleep I get when Harrison is in the nursery. Sunday morning, March 27th, Jon brings the kids over to the hospital at 9 am and we check out. What a wonderful 12th wedding anniversary! A new baby for the family is present enough for us all.
Since we have been home - Lauren has said a couple of things worth noting. She says Harrison brings "too much of the Spirit into our home. It is too peaceful," she says. I tell her there is no such thing as too much of the Spirit but I can see what she means. I feel humbled to be in the presence of such a bearer of peace. I am trying really hard to keep the home peaceful around him even with all the energy of the 4 kids running around.
At dinner tonight we begin to note things for which we are grateful. Lauren's turn comes. She says she is thankful for such a peaceful and wonderful spirit to come into our home. I am touched that she is so sensitive to feel this. I agree with her sensitive comment.
After four hours of sleep, Jonathan and I woke up at 3 a.m. to eat breakfast, get dressed and drive the 30 minutes to the hospital for our scheduled 4 a.m. induction. I was tired but had trouble sleeping the night before because I was so excited and anxious. My parents stayed over at our house so we wouldn't have to wake the kids. They couldn't sleep either. It was like Christmas Eve for adults.
Arriving at the hospital the staff took me straight to my labor and deliver room 234. I got dressed in the hospital gown and signed the consent forms. The nurse then put in my my IV. She had a hard time getting it in the vein. After she got it all taped down she realized it was leaking. She took all the tape off and readjusted it again and then wiped up all the blood that had leaked out.
That was about when I started to feel light headed. I am usually pretty good with blood and shots and that stuff. But that 15 minutes of watching a needle wiggling around under my skin was a bit much for me. She laid me down flat and put a cold cloth on my forehead. Then the lab came to take my blood. Nice timing. Apparently they couldn't wait 5 minutes so they drew my blood and I closed my eyes and tried to get my head back.
I felt better after a few minutes. It was 4:30 by this time we got the Pitocin going and I was feeling good and wondering how long it would be before we would meet out little baby.
I was dilated to 4 from the balloon but the baby was still very high up. (Which was actually not that bad. Just crampy for the first couple of hours but then it was no big deal.)
8 a.m. I have been on Pit and having contractions all this time. They have slowly been increasing my Pit. My nurse checks me. No change. Bummer. More Pit. More contractions - every 3 minutes - they are tight and uncomfortable and won't allow me to sleep but not really painful. Just tiring. My nurse says maybe the doctor will come by at lunch.
12 noon - My nurse checks me again. No change. Big Bummer. She says she would break my water but the doctors orders won't let her with the baby so high. I am feeling a bit discouraged and say I don't think anything is going to change until my water is broken. She agrees with me. She says she will go call the doctor to see if he can come break my water.
She returns to tell me she talked to my doctor and based on her exam and how high the baby still is that the doctor will not be coming to break my water as he is worried about the cord prolapsing. Bummer. She says he has told her to increase the Pitocin so the contractions will bring the baby down. I am doubtful about the Pit producing any change at this point. I am tired and discouraged.
Around 2ish she checks me again and again no change. No surprise to me this time. I am beginning to think perhaps I have induced too early. This is reminding me of my first labor with Sabrina where I was maxed out on Pit for 12 hours at a fingertip dilation with no change. Nothing happened till the Dr. manually dilated me enough to break my water. Then I was in major pain from the Pit. It was a painful and awful labor. If I had to do it over again I would not have let him break my water. I would have gone home and come back a week later hoping my body would be more ready.
I like my nurse, Sheryl. She has had 5 babies of her own and has over 20 years of nursing experience. I express my concern to her that if the doctor won't break my water because the baby is too high and if the Pit isn't bringing the baby down ... what are my options? C section or go home? Given those choices I choose go home. I am beginning to think that is what this will come down to. I mentally prepare myself to go home. My nurse tells me as long as my water isn't broken that is an option.
She asks if I want to talk to the Dr. on the phone to discuss that option. I do. She goes to get him on the phone for me. I am tired and discouraged but remembering that first labor I am fully prepared to go home and suffer another week of pregnancy if it means my body will more easily open up and let this baby come into the world. I am even willing to plan birthday parties through my anniversary for the next 18 years.
My parents and Sabrina and Annie have been waiting it out with me since about 9 a.m. I send them all to my inlaws so Jon and I can talk to the Dr. and decide whether to go home or not. I am expecting we will go home.
The nurse returns and says the Dr. will be there in 30 mins. to break my water. I am surprised but figure if he thinks it is safe we will go with it.
3:30 ish the doctor arrives. He has the nurse press down on my belly where the baby's head is to hold his head in place while he breaks my water carefully to make sure a seal is formed between the baby's head and cervix to ensure the cord will not prolapse. This is a rather painful procedure but I understand the need for the caution and I know it will not last long. After a few minutes the water is broken and my Pit has been halved so I won't be dying from contraction pain. I can immediately feel the difference in the contractions and my Dr. says I am at a 4.5 in dilation. I request the epidural.
4:00 - the epidural guy shows up. After a failed first placement, he starts over and gets it in the right place.
4:30 - the epidural starts to work. I become a new woman. For the first time in months I am not in pain and I feel elation. My nurse checks me and tells me the baby has moved down to a 0 station and I am dilated to a 6. This is good. Life is good. My nurse begins getting everything ready for a birth.
6 p.m. My nurse checks me and tells me I am an 8. We call my parents and tell them to have the girls head over as soon as they have had a bite of dinner. They were eating at the time.
6:30 p.m. I respond to a couple of texts and say I am feeling good. I feel a contraction through the epidural ... then another. My nurse comes in. I tell her "either my labor has changed and I am in transition or my epidural isn't working. She says she saw things on the monitor that told her I needed to be checked. She checks me. She tells me she is going to call the doctor. I am ready to go. She tells me to put my legs together.
I call my parents to tell them to come immediately. They are in the parking lot thankfully. They walk in 3 minutes later and are quickly followed by the doctor who sets immediately to getting ready.
6:40 I begin to push with a contraction. I feel the head slide out. Next contraction I push out the body. Relief. Sweet relief. He is born at 6:45 p.m. Just a bit over 3 hours after my water is broken. It ended up being a long day of labor but I feel good about the experience because it was relatively easy pain wise. We have a healthy baby and I feel great. The doctor rushes out to deliver twins who went complete the same time I did. He had 5 inductions that day at 2 different hospitals. Crazy busy day for him.
My dad and Jon go get Noble and Lauren from grandmas house a couple of minutes away. They arrive and get to hold the baby. They are loving and absolutely thrilled to finally see the baby. Sabrina and Annie were there to see the baby born and loved seeing him come in to the world.
I am thrilled to find out the hospital has a nursery that will take the baby at night between feedings so I can sleep. I am happy beyond expression to not be pregnant and my see my sweet healthy baby. He doesn't even cry when he gets his first shot. He brings a spirit of peace to the room.
What a great day. A day to celebrate. I decide to stay a second night to take advantage of the sleep I get when Harrison is in the nursery. Sunday morning, March 27th, Jon brings the kids over to the hospital at 9 am and we check out. What a wonderful 12th wedding anniversary! A new baby for the family is present enough for us all.
Dressed and ready to go home.
Since we have been home - Lauren has said a couple of things worth noting. She says Harrison brings "too much of the Spirit into our home. It is too peaceful," she says. I tell her there is no such thing as too much of the Spirit but I can see what she means. I feel humbled to be in the presence of such a bearer of peace. I am trying really hard to keep the home peaceful around him even with all the energy of the 4 kids running around.
At dinner tonight we begin to note things for which we are grateful. Lauren's turn comes. She says she is thankful for such a peaceful and wonderful spirit to come into our home. I am touched that she is so sensitive to feel this. I agree with her sensitive comment.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Introducing...
Harrison McKay Waite
Born 3-25-2011 at 6:45 p.m.
Weighing in at 8 lbs. 3 ozs. (mama's prediction on the nose)
20 inches long (one inch shy of mama's prediction)
I am so incredibly happy. Happy to be no longer pregnant. Happy that the delivery went smoothly (more details later). Happy that my baby is healthy and safe. Happy I am recovering well. And super happy that this little guy is not a screamer. He has the most peaceful spirit. I am in awe. I need to make my home as peaceful as he is. He is already inspiring me. Thanks for the prayers and well wishes! -- Stephanie
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Changes
I had my last OB appointment today. I am feeling pretty crampy now. The doctor is ripening my cervix using the balloon method. My mom has come over to save the day and "be me" today. She is doing my errands and packing my hospital bag and taking care of my kiddos for me. Mom's are the greatest, especially mine.
I am sitting on the recliner trying to count contractions. I am not very good at that. I have a hard time distinguishing contraction pain from my general tightness and the baby moving and just my overall hurting. But one way or another I am very excited that I will no longer be pregnant in the next 24 to 36 hours.
Last night I had an awful night. I couldn't fall asleep. I just had this foreboding feeling and tons of anxiety. I get that every now and then since Camille's accident. I laid in bed with "worst case scenarios" playing over and over in my head till midnight when I finally got up and went downstairs to watch some TV. That seemed to settle my brain and I was able to fall asleep around 2 a.m.
I am not sure if the hospital I am going to this time has internet access in the delivery rooms like the one I had Noble did. If it does, I will blog from the hospital and let you all know how things go. If not you will have to wait till Saturday or Sunday.
This has been a big month in my family. An emotional one. I have other things to post about. Like the fact that my parents have just sold their home, my childhood home, the place I grew up, the home Jonathan and I lived in when we moved to Las Vegas from California, Camille's first home. It is an emotional thing. One I have cried a good deal of tears over and try not to think about too much. But I have a post in me on it. I will write it a bit later as they get closer to actually moving. They have to be out by May 15th but could move as soon as mid April depending on when they settle on the house they want to buy.
Change. It is inevitable, necessary, often painful, and hard to swallow. But it is part of life. And in the end, every change moves us forward and molds us a bit more into who we will eventually become.
I am sitting on the recliner trying to count contractions. I am not very good at that. I have a hard time distinguishing contraction pain from my general tightness and the baby moving and just my overall hurting. But one way or another I am very excited that I will no longer be pregnant in the next 24 to 36 hours.
Last night I had an awful night. I couldn't fall asleep. I just had this foreboding feeling and tons of anxiety. I get that every now and then since Camille's accident. I laid in bed with "worst case scenarios" playing over and over in my head till midnight when I finally got up and went downstairs to watch some TV. That seemed to settle my brain and I was able to fall asleep around 2 a.m.
I am not sure if the hospital I am going to this time has internet access in the delivery rooms like the one I had Noble did. If it does, I will blog from the hospital and let you all know how things go. If not you will have to wait till Saturday or Sunday.
This has been a big month in my family. An emotional one. I have other things to post about. Like the fact that my parents have just sold their home, my childhood home, the place I grew up, the home Jonathan and I lived in when we moved to Las Vegas from California, Camille's first home. It is an emotional thing. One I have cried a good deal of tears over and try not to think about too much. But I have a post in me on it. I will write it a bit later as they get closer to actually moving. They have to be out by May 15th but could move as soon as mid April depending on when they settle on the house they want to buy.
Change. It is inevitable, necessary, often painful, and hard to swallow. But it is part of life. And in the end, every change moves us forward and molds us a bit more into who we will eventually become.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Spring ... a Season of Celebration
A cold wind blows across the valley as I waddle from house to house stuffing fliers into my neighbors doors. It is March. April is just 10 days away. I have to get word out about the annual Easter neighborhood block party today. I have to give my neighbors a few days to RSVP before I have my baby at the end of the week.
I am hoping all the walking will put me into labor now. I would love to have a baby today ... or tomorrow. The sooner the better as far as I am concerned. But all my walking only seems to make my pelvis hurt and I feel no contractions. Bummer. Oh well, at least I got the fliers delivered and the baby will come in four days ready or not.
The tulips I planted last fall are beginning to bloom in my back yard. Camille's flower, blooming to signal that her birthday is also coming up. We will celebrate it as a family a few days after the block party. Then a few days later we will celebrate Easter.
I miss my little girl. But the hole in my heart she left when she died is no longer the open wound it once was. It is a tender scar. A memory of my greatest pain. A reminder of why Easter is the most hopeful holiday, of why life is so precious, of how important it is that I be the best mother and the best Stephanie I can be.
And perhaps more than this, that scar is a reminder to me of the healing power of the atonement. I am moved to tears just thinking about the miracle of it all. How is it possible that such a wound could ever feel healed? I don't know. And yet somehow, the Savior has made me feel whole again. Whole despite the hole. That doesn't even make logical sense. And yet my heart feels that way. But then feelings don't always follow logic now do they.
And so as I sip my hot chocolate and warm my insides after my cold walk of the neighborhood, I am filled with love and gratitude for my blessings. For the blessing of the life that will imminently join our family. For the 14 months I was privileged to mother a celestial soul. For the friends, family, and neighbors who held me up through my greatest trial. And for the Savior who in His own time and His own miraculous way healed my heart.
Spring, in my book and in my heart, is a season for celebration.
I am hoping all the walking will put me into labor now. I would love to have a baby today ... or tomorrow. The sooner the better as far as I am concerned. But all my walking only seems to make my pelvis hurt and I feel no contractions. Bummer. Oh well, at least I got the fliers delivered and the baby will come in four days ready or not.
The tulips I planted last fall are beginning to bloom in my back yard. Camille's flower, blooming to signal that her birthday is also coming up. We will celebrate it as a family a few days after the block party. Then a few days later we will celebrate Easter.
I miss my little girl. But the hole in my heart she left when she died is no longer the open wound it once was. It is a tender scar. A memory of my greatest pain. A reminder of why Easter is the most hopeful holiday, of why life is so precious, of how important it is that I be the best mother and the best Stephanie I can be.
And perhaps more than this, that scar is a reminder to me of the healing power of the atonement. I am moved to tears just thinking about the miracle of it all. How is it possible that such a wound could ever feel healed? I don't know. And yet somehow, the Savior has made me feel whole again. Whole despite the hole. That doesn't even make logical sense. And yet my heart feels that way. But then feelings don't always follow logic now do they.
And so as I sip my hot chocolate and warm my insides after my cold walk of the neighborhood, I am filled with love and gratitude for my blessings. For the blessing of the life that will imminently join our family. For the 14 months I was privileged to mother a celestial soul. For the friends, family, and neighbors who held me up through my greatest trial. And for the Savior who in His own time and His own miraculous way healed my heart.
Spring, in my book and in my heart, is a season for celebration.
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