Track Break Here We Come

A couple of days ago Jon was in his home office on a business call. The woman he was talking to said, "What is that music you are listening to? Is that jazz? I could listen to that all day!" Jon then told her it was his 7 year old playing the violin. Annie is headed to violin camp next week. I hope she will learn lots as she takes lessons from various instructors and plays in group and orchestra classes.

Yesterday picking her up from school she presented me with this beautiful art project showing the anatomy of a flower. She gave it to me and said in her most dramatic form, "The petals are the love and the stem is where all the love flows up to be spread to all around and the leaves, they are the kind acts that we do to show the love. The roots are where all the love is gathered to flow up to the plant. And the dirt," here her flowing voice goes flat and she says, "well it is the kitchen where we all eat." That cracked me up. Love in the home - at least in my home - does often center in the kitchen but I am not sure how I feel about mine being compared to dirt.

Today is the last day of school before track break and since Annie will be spending all day everyday next week at violin camp I have set up a mini summer camp for Sabrina. She and 5 girl friends will rotate to a different girls house each of 6 days next week. Each mom will teach some kind of lesson and have some activities planned for the girls. They will be learning to roller skate, swim strokes, do hair, sew, do crafts, make a full dinner, scrapbook, and put together a fashionable outfit. I hope it is fun for them.

Hopefully the girls will feel like they have a "summer" before we head back for 9 month school next year.

Big News

There have been some big changes around our house this week. I haven't been able to go to Pilates or go volunteer at the school in the middle of the day. Jon has not been home. And while it has been an adjustment for me, I am so excited about the new adventure that has taken him away from home.

Jonathan and I made a rather large purchase last week. We bought a company and a store. Perhaps those of you in the Las Vegas area have heard of it -- Laptop Xchange? Here is the press release I wrote up about it:

---------------------FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE--------------- 

LaptopXchange is Acquired by Investor Group 

HENDERSON, Nevada (June 14, 2010) – Laptop Xchange 

Franchising, LLC, franchisor of the popular LaptopXchange 

concept announces it has been acquired. Jonathan M. Waite and a 

small group of passive investors acquired the franchisor and its 

corporate store located at 1381 W. Sunset Rd. in Henderson in a 

deal that officially closed on June 14. Waite holds a majority 

interest in the company and will be operating as the Chief 

Executive Officer and President. 

Co-founder Timothy Smith will remain as the Chief Operating 

Officer of the franchisor and retains a minority interest in the 

company. Co-founder Michael Smith was retained as a consultant 

for the next year and a half to train new franchisees.  Waite and 

Smith are excited about their plans to grow the business 

nationwide and enhance the support provided to current 

franchisees.  

"We will be working with new marketing partners including a 

nationally renowned franchise development partner to roll the 

LaptopXchange concept out across the country," said Waite. "We 

will also build a new website and commence a brand new franchise 

marketing campaign. Having a well capitalized franchisor like we 

do now opens so many possibilities to us.”   

Waite plans to leverage the already strong brand recognition in the 

Las Vegas market to surrounding areas and nationwide.  That 

process includes working on ways to improve the lending process 

for franchisees and seeking a listing on the National SBA 

Franchise Registry.   

"We plan on new and exciting news for LaptopXchange in the 

ensuing months and years," said Waite.  

About LaptopXchange: 

LaptopXchange is a premier retailer of quality used, off-lease and 

factory refurbished laptop computers and laptop accessories.  

LaptopXchange is also a premier service center for all brands of 

laptop and desktop computers.  The first LaptopXchange opened in 

2001 and has been committed to providing each customer with 

superior service.   

About Jonathan Waite: 

Jonathan M. Waite, is the founder of McKay Capital Management, 

LLC, an asset management company, and Precipio Research, LLC, 

an investment consulting firm catering to institutional investors.  

McKay Capital managed an investment fund that beat the S&P 500 

by 45 percentage points during a four-year period.   

Before McKay and Precipio, Jonathan was twice recognized by the 

Wall Street Journal’s “Best on the Street” for stock picking as a 

senior equity analyst at KeyBanc Capital Markets.  

Media Contact: Stephanie Waite, public relations  

stephaniewaite@gmail.com 

### 

We are very excited about this new adventure. My girls keep asking how old they have to be to work in the store. Jon is still doing his Precipio Research Company so he still researches restaurants and works stock market hours for that. The hedge fund, however, he closed in April so he no longer has the stress of managing other peoples money. And it looks like I am now the VP over Public Relations. I just made that title up for myself. You get to do that if you are the boss right? :)

Some may wonder if I am nervous about such a major change. Job changes can be scary especially when you put your life's savings into an investment. I, however, am not nervous about this at all. The store is already established and both it and the parent company are profitable. We hope to use the capital we bring to the company to grow it by selling franchises nationwide. I have full confidence in my husband's ability and his plans to make this happen. 

So if you have an old laptop sitting around your house and you live in Vegas or Henderson, come sell it to us and take home some CASH. We take Apple or PC laptops. And if you need a new laptop, come see what we have in the store. You may just save yourself a bundle of cash!

*** If you have already used Laptop Xchange and been satisfied with your service we would love for you to go put a positive comment on any of the websites that do reviews for it. Thanks ***

Headlines

June 16th - And so we begin year three. Thanks for all the prayers, thoughts and support. I had an fine few days. I want these days eventually to become just another day. I will celebrate Camille on her birthday. The June days... those I would rather just forget. So we did nothing special to mark the day and I tried to think about it as little as possible and that worked for me.

SO You Think You Can DANCE?!!- It is the first voting show of So You Think You Can Dance tonight! PARTY time! Come watch with me at 8:30 ish. I have really yummy cookie dough!

Where in the World is my Book? - I think I lent my copy of "Hunger Games" the first book in the Hunger Games series to someone and I can't remember who. If whoever it is reads this, please let me know so I can get it back. My sister in law wants to borrow it.

A Great Summer Read - I just finished another really good book last night called "Mistborn" by Brandon Sanderson. It reminded me of the Hunger Games with a bit of magic in it kinda Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings ish. I would highly recommend it for a summer read.

New Talents Explored - Yesterday at Mutual I learned that I am really rather good at keeping an M&M attached to a straw by sucking it in while running halfway across a gym. I am not so good at getting an Oreo from resting on my forehead to inside my mouth without using any hands/arms/legs etc. These are good things to know about yourself.

A New Look -- I have been wanting to change the look of my blog recently. But I am not design or computer savvy enough to do what I really want. So I picked this new design from Blogger for now. How do you like it?

Big Announcement Coming Tomorrow - I do have another announcement to make but it is so big that I think it deserves its own post... so check back for big news about changes here at the Waite house tomorrow...

Missions

I have been thinking about missions lately. We have a nephew serving in Florida. He hasn't been out that long. We have written him as a family. Then we recently had a Young Women's Sunday lesson on supporting missionaries through letter writing. I wrote several missionaries back in the day. All but one of them were purely platonic. I enjoyed writing them then and have enjoyed supporting our nephew now.

The first weekend on this month we had lots of family events as Jon's youngest brother Stephen got married. At the rehearsal dinner each family was introduced by one of the parents. Jon's family went in order of age with his oldest two sisters introducing their families. Jon is the fourth kid of nine. He was in the house trying to put Noble down as this was happening. 

My heart began racing as I realized he would likely not be back in time to introduce our family. I have no fear of public speaking but introducing my family... at a wedding... in front of a lot of people who don't all KNOW me... well that presents new challenges for me these days. And my mind was racing and my heart thumping and my fingers shaking. How do I introduce my family? It is still one of the hardest parts of this for me. Do I include Camille? How can I not? She is so much a part of our family? She is one of my children. How can I include her without bringing the whole party down or putting pity focus on me and without opening myself up for questions later about where that 5th kid is? Man, where is Jon when I need him?

Jon's first sister finished pointing out each of her kids by name and his second sister - the one with the son on a mission started. I thought I would see whether she included her absent son. She did. She said she had a son on a mission. Before I knew it she was done and Jon's older brother had introduced his wife and two kids. Our turn. Jon is no where to be found and the family looks to me to do the introductions. 

I stand and mumble something about not having had to introduce my family in a few years. It is true. At least in front of a large gathering this is the first time I have had to do this. I introduce myself and Jon and then search for Sabrina. I find her and point her out and introduce her following the pattern others have set. Ann Marie is off playing so I just say her name and age. I introduce Lauren as well. Here is the moment of truth. In a blur the words fall out of my mouth. "I have a daughter named Camille who is on a mission in Heaven and my youngest is Noble who is a year and is being put down to bed by his father I hope." I pass the mike and let my nerves settle. Ten minutes later my heart beat finally is back to normal. I feel good about how I introduced her. I told the truth and I was upbeat and positive and quick so as not to dwell on it. 

Then this weekend we went to visit my friend Britt in Arizona. Her youngest brother is leaving on a mission and all her family was in town for his farewell. On Sunday we went to a ward in Mesa where an older couple talked about their recent mission to Uruguay. Missionaries typically serve 2 year missions. 

So on this two year mark of my separation from my daughter I have thought about earthly missions vs. heavenly missions. If Camille were on an earthly mission she would be home or coming home by now. She would have stories of unfamiliar people she helped and new customs she learned in strange lands. Her life for the past two years would be full of experiences and people I had never known. She would be a different girl from the one who left. I would have to get to know her again. I would listen to her stories but never really feel what she did for those she served because I was not with her. I would not know them. 

But she isn't on an earthly mission. There is no coming back from her current assignment. But when I am reunited with her again I do not think there will be the unfamiliar getting to know you again stage there is with newly returned missionaries here. I believe there will be an immediate sense of reunited love and I will get to listen to her tell me of all the ways she served and helped all of us in her family through our trials and difficulties. It will be wonderful and fascinating and at the end of it I believe I will see one thing -- she was closer to her family on her heavenly mission than she ever could have been on any earthly mission. 

What do I do in honor of her 2 year mark? Burn my funeral dress or something? If it weren't so cute I would. Thanks to all of you have been thinking of me and praying for me and who have sent me texts, cards or emails. I am holding in there and I feel of your moral support. Love you all! Stephanie

Happy Tools

There are a few things in this life that make me just wonderfully happy. Fun times with my family and friends, incredible food, a great chocolate chip cookie or just the dough, a page-turning book, dancing, watching incredible dancing, happy music, sharing my beliefs with someone who is really interested in them, helping others, feeding super yummy food to hungry people, the sound of Lauren's laugh, a snuggle from Noble, a surprise cleaning spree or concert from Annie, a beautiful piece of artwork or song sung by Sabrina, Jonathan working along side me doing just about anything, exploring new places, meeting new people (especially those who already know me through my blog), good ice cream on a hot day.  Okay you get the idea. These things are like tools I can use to lift my spirits when they are feeling low.

Well as we are approaching the 2nd anniversary of the worst day of my life, I have been preparing myself for how to spend the time. Last year I ran away with my friend Britt and our families. Her son Daxton died two years ago today. We spent our anniversary week in San Diego together doing lots of fun things. It was a great vacation. 

This year we had planned to go to my parents cabin. Well, then my parents sent these pictures of the river outside the cabin.

Just to give a reference, this next picture is what the river by the cabin NORMALLY looks like:

The place Sabrina and Lauren are standing in this picture is all underwater now. The river would be over their heads in fact. Can you imagine me spending my weekend up there trying to make sure my kids never left the house. Yeah, we decided not to go to the cabin this weekend. And that made me very sad because I really wanted to get away this weekend and I really wanted to see Britt and Doug and their family.

I talked to Britt about other options but she has a brother who is leaving on a mission and has to be to church on Sunday to hear him speak before he leaves. We tossed out other dates we could get together. Nothing seemed to pan out. Finally I asked her if we could just come to her house. If you know me well, you know I am prone to invite myself over. :) She said that would be perfect. 

As soon as we made that decision, all the gloominess I had been feeling about what to do about this weekend went away. It feels so good to have the plan to be going down to Arizona to spend the weekend down there. I have never really visited Arizona so we will be on a new adventure. Plus we have old friends down there in Britt and Shanan (are there others I am forgetting? Let me know if so!) And there will be lots of new old friends to meet. I have always loved people from Arizona. Maybe it is because they are from this hot dessert land like me but they always feel like Vegas people to me. 

I know there will be amazing food because I have eaten with Britt a few times. :) The girl can bake and cook. We share our love of food. Basically, I think there will be a bit of most of my favorite happy things in this weekend. So I am excited for it. Just make sure you DVR my So You Think You Can Dance on Thursday night Britt! I gotta find out who the top 10 will be! 

Watch out Mesa. Here I come with all my happy tools!

For those of you local. Come watch So You Think You Can Dance with me tonight at 8:30 if you know where I live. I am making chocolate filled croissants. They are fabulously yummy. See you tonight I hope.

Whisperings Become Reality

A couple of weeks ago we had a stake conference for church. We have these typically twice a year where about 10 or so congregations meet together in one big conference. There is an adult meeting on Saturday night and on Sunday the whole family goes to the meeting instead of their normal church services. 

So during these meetings, Jon and I felt inspired during several of the talks that we needed to turn off the screens in our home more to allow less distraction from the Spirit. I am sure different people got different messages from the talks but that is the one we felt was meant for us. Jon and I talked about putting a limit on how much screen time our kids had and we came to the decision to limit them to 90 minutes a day and only 60 of those minutes could be television.

I was a little worried about the big fight I anticipated getting our kids to limit their screen time. So I decided to call a family meeting to discuss the matter. It went FAR better than I expected. Here is what happened:

Mom: So kids, how does Heavenly Father talk to us?

Sabrina: Through the prophet.

Annie: Through the scriptures.

Lauren: When we pray.

Mom: Yes that is very good and when we pray, how do we HEAR Heavenly Father's responses?

Sabrina: Through the Holy Ghost.

Mom: Yes. Exactly. So what about when you are reading the scriptures? Can Heavenly Father use the Holy Ghost to whisper what the scriptures mean to you?

Kids: Yes.

Mom: What about when you are listening to the prophet speak? Can the Holy Ghost tell you which thing the prophet says you need to do better at?

Kids: Yes

Mom: Well what about at church? Can the Holy Ghost tell you when you are at church that you should be doing what the bishop or the speaker is talking about?

Kids: Yes.

Mom: How important is it to do what the Holy Ghost says when He whispers something to you?

Kids: VERY important.

Mom: Yes it is very important. We just all went to stake conference today and while we were there Dad and I heard the Holy Ghost whispering some things we needed to do in our family. How important do you think it is that we follow those whisperings?

Kids: VERY VERY important.

Mom: Yes. That is what Dad and I think too. One of the things we heard at conference was about how important it is to have the Spirit in our home. The speaker talked about what the missionaries do when the go to home to teach a lesson and they want the Spirit to be there. Do any of you know what they do?

Kids: Pray?

Mom: Yes they do pray but even before they pray they go into the house and they ask that the television or radio or video games be turned off. Then they say their prayers. In fact, missionaries do not watch any television and only get to be on the computer for a little bit of time each week to send letters to their families. So while Dad and I were listening to this we both felt that the Holy Ghost was telling us that we need to turn off some of the screens in our home that can distract us from feeling the Spirit. How do you think we can do this?

Sabrina: Maybe we could put a limit on how much screen time we have.

Mom: That is a great idea Sabrina! Kids what do you think would be a fair amount of screen time everyday?

Sabrina: How about one hour.

Mom: That is very good Sabrina. Dad and I both thought that an hour of television would be a good limit and the fact that you also came up with that number seems to suggest maybe the Spirit is whispering it to you too. We thought we could do an hour of TV and maybe 30 extra minutes of any other kind of screen or 90 minutes of screen a day and only and hour of that can be TV. Does that sound good to all of you?

Kids: Yeah.

Mom: Great. I will put a tally for each of you on the fridge and when you want to watch TV or play a Wii Game or computer game just let me know and I will turn on a timer to keep track of your time. If you don't use all your minutes in a day you can carry them over to the next day. That way if you want to watch a movie on the weekend you can save enough minutes during the week to do that. We will start fresh at 0 minutes accumulated every Monday. Also flash cards online or other school/work related screen time doesn't count. Mom and Dad will be doing this too.

Kids: Okay!

I was shocked at how well this went. I really feel like the Spirit was there helping me direct the discussion and helping inspire Sabrina along the way. But I still wondered how hard the implementation would be. The next day I tried to plan lots of activities to keep myself busy so I wouldn't be tempted to turn on the TV. 

When Lauren wanted to play the computer I told her that was fine but that it would count towards her 90 minutes of the day. She said that was okay. Then I asked her how many minutes she wanted to use. She said 15. I turned the kitchen timer on for 15 minutes. She played and when the timer dinged she closed the computer.

When Annie did the same thing she was in the middle of a game when the timer went off. I said that was fine and turned the timer on for another 5 minutes. She closed the computer before the 5 minutes were up. I made a sort of checkbook like sheet for each kid to track their running screen time tally. There was no fighting, arguing, begging, or whining. I couldn't believe it. The kids began to evaluate how badly they really wanted to watch any given show or play any given game. It has been great.

The best part has been the feeling in our home. I noticed a marked different even the first day. I really could feel so much more peace in our home. I felt the Spirit more. It has been a really good change for our family.

Now all that being said I have to throw out some disclaimers. I have not been as good about keeping the "checkbook" up since. After a week I started doing a more mental tally and we have kept pretty well under the limits. EXCEPT for when Sabrina and I went to California. We didn't have screen time too much but I am fairly certain there was an abundance of Daddy/daughter Wii time here at the house. 

I am leaving myself flexible for road trips and times when kids get sick or other out of the norm circumstances. And I don't count my blogging time because I justify that as doing my own personal history and journal writing. 

I know that at different seasons of our lives different things are important or right for us to do in our families and personal lives. Our priorities shift with our circumstances. I am sure this would be FAR more difficult to do if I were in the middle of morning sickness or if all my kids were younger and needed more constant entertainment. But for now, for us, this has been an incredible blessing. Who knows, maybe there are a few who are reading this now and feeling those "whisperings" that this might be something they need to do. If that is you -- I say Go For It! Making those Whisperings a Reality may be easier than you think.

Lucky

Enjoying life is so dependent on perspective. The other day I was talking to my husband while driving. I asked him if he thought of himself as an optimist, a realist, or a pessimist. I already knew what I thought he was but I was curious to see what he thought he was. My sweet husband said decidedly that he is an optimist. I burst out laughing. Then I saw that he was serious. 

You see my husband, bless his heart, is not by nature an optimist. He is more of a realist with a bit of pessimism thrown in there. So I was stunned to hear him so confidently proclaim himself an optimist. When he heard me laughing he explained that he could be whatever he wanted to be and that he was choosing to be an optimist ... right now ... from now on. He has the goal to be an optimist. I think it is a noble goal. 

He conceded that previous to that moment in time he had been a realist and a pessimist. I then asked him what he thought I was. He said I was an optimist and realist. I agreed with him. As such I wished him success on his new vow to be an optimist but realistically I think it is going to be more of a process than a decision. 

I think my realistic optimism has been a great asset to me in finding joy and hope again after losing Camille. Perhaps a more pessimistic view would have me expecting loss all around me and seeing my loss in every day and every joyful moment. But those are not the lenses I choose to view my life. 

This weekend we had a joy filled 3 days. Jonathan's youngest brother Stephen got married to his lovely new bride Diana in the temple Saturday. We had a big rehearsal dinner on Friday night and the reception on Saturday night. It was such a wonderful event with so much family all around to enjoy. This morning all the Waites (minus Stephen and Diana who are honeymooning) gathered to bless Aaron and Carolyn's  twin baby girls Aspen and Emory Waite. They are two months old now. 

I was getting paper and pens together to take notes during the blessing and Jonathan was at the piano to play an opening hymn. Noble was ... exploring. It was so nice to have so many family members around to watch him. I watched as he went from one cousin, aunt, or uncle to another. I could see the love that each of them had for him. My husband was playing "Families Can Be Together Forever" on the piano and we were all singing along. 

"I have a family here on earth. They are so good to me. I want to share my life with them through all eternity. Families can be together forever, through Heavenly Father's plan. I always want to be with my own family. And the Lord has shown me how I can. The Lord has shown me how I can. While I am in my early years. I'll prepare most carefully. So I can marry in God's temple for eternity. Families can be together forever ..."

I had to stop singing. In that moment I felt how incredibly lucky I am ... or blessed rather ... to be sealed to all these wonderful people. I love ALL my in-laws. How many people can honestly say that? Well I can. I love them and I know they all love me and they love my children and they all are with me in my tender feelings of love for Camille. 

The week before Camille died we spent a weekend up at Aspen Grove with all the Waite family. Camille spent lots of time with all her cousins. I am so glad that all of them got a chance to know her a bit in this life. She LOVED people. She was most happy when she was in public interacting with people. Noble is just the opposite. He only likes people he knows really well. But Camille would go to anyone and was happy to meet new people. 

I feel blessed beyond measure by my own temple marriage. And I am so incredibly lucky that my siblings have married such incredible people and that all of Jon's eight siblings and all their spouses are also such wonderful people. 

Maybe the key to become an optimist is to spend some time each day counting blessings. This weekend there were lots to count for me.

Holding Him, Holding Her, Holding Me

Tonight Noble fell and bumped his head on the tile. It wasn't a very bad bonk. He kept his head up enough to cushion the blow. But it scared him and he wanted his mom to hold him afterward. So I picked him up and after his initial cries he settled down. But he still just wanted me to hold him. I was ever so happy to oblige. 

I sat on our green rocking chair. Someone had taken Noble's clothes off after dinner so he was only wearing a diaper. I sat rocking on the chair with him sitting in my lap facing me. He laid his head down on my chest and I sat with my arms around him rocking his little body.

He is so white. His skin is like my husbands. There is no "olive undertone" there. It is just as fair as can be. I laid my cheek down on his soft hair. He was totally still except I could feel him breathing.

And I was taken back to holding her, that last time, when she stopped breathing in my arms. She was the same size and felt the same weight. Her skin was so white and soft against mine. And she was totally still. And I felt the last breaths go out of her.

Noble has been so healing for me in so many ways. But there are moments like this when he takes me back to another time and another child and my heart lives again some other life that was. Perhaps there is healing in the reliving as well. Perhaps we must learn to sip from the cup of our bitter memories to truly say we have become accustomed to their taste in our mouth. Or perhaps it is tasting them again that helps us see how far we have come.

I looked at the pictures my sister-in-law Elizabeth took in that moment when I last held her. It was so like my moment today only so filled with pain and sorrow instead of the sweetness and joy of today. I marveled as I looked at myself in that image. How did I do that? How am I still here? How did I ever let anyone take her out of my arms? How did I get up and use my legs again?

People talk about miracles where loved ones are healed and the sick are made well. Looking at that picture tonight I could see that there was a miracle happening in that room and in that very frame. I had prayed so hard for a miracle for her but the Lord intended to show His miracle by helping me. How else could I have kept breathing when she stopped? And how else could I be where I am today - feeling whole and peaceful and hopeful and joyful despite my bitter cup. Yes there was a miracle happening. But it has taken time to see and realize that all the while He has been holding Me.

Dance

I will be watching tonight and would love some company if anyone is feeling up to it. We are still in the auditions and I wasn't sure how it would be to watch those in a group as I haven't ever had a party for this part before. But last week I laughed harder than I ever have at any auditions for any show. All I have to say is 1 2 3 Party guy stole all my stake dance moves from my teenage years! We had a great laugh at him.

Tomorrow I will be busy with a ward dinner and auction to raise money for camp but I will be watching after 9 then too. Stop by to laugh with me either night if you like!

Girls Weekend, and a little boy

This weekend Sabrina and I took our first Mother/Daughter alone trip to California in honor of her ninth birthday. We stayed with Aunt Nikki and Lily and Hank and helped Aunt Nikki take care of those cute little bundles of love. Sabrina and I couldn't get enough of those babies. We had a hard time putting them down because we just wanted to hold them the whole time.

Sabrina holding Lily

Sabrina was so good with those little babies. She helped feed and burp and calm them when they cried. She has grown up so much in the last year. She had presents to open up periodically throughout the whole weekend. We also had cake and ice cream with all the cousins and we went to dinner with some of our best friends at Downtown Disney. The whole weekend was so fun and relaxed. It was great one on one time with my sweet daughter before she turns into a teenager or at least a preteen double digit person.

We both missed out family here at home though. Annie and Lauren made cards for Sabrina to let her know she was missed. They picked flowers for her and gave her candy when she got home. I think they missed her more than me. Sabrina said it was the first memory she had without Ann Marie. She was only 19 months when Annie was born and they haven't ever been separated for more than a day before. I am so glad they are so close. They love each other so much.

Sabrina with sisters and presents.

Sabrina also really missed Lauren and Noble. She loves to nurture and love them. She has a mothering soul. I am grateful for her kind and loving spirit. And I so enjoyed spending the weekend with her. Happy Birthday Sabrina

So You Think You Can Dance

It is BACK!!! Wahoo! And best of all they are bringing back some of our old favorites, including Neil Haskell. I still have his boardroom dance with Sabra on my TiVo! Hello that plange!?! You know you are a real fan if you know what I am talking about.

I am still mad that no one in the Twilight world thought to cast Neil as Edward. He is naturally as white as marble, moves gracefully yet masculinely like a mountain lion and he is way better looking than Robert Pattinson. All they needed to do was dye his hair. Oh and I don't know how well he acts... but anyway.

I am realizing what a shallow and totally frivolous post this is. :0) I thought we all could you a bit of frivolity after the very serious discussions we have been having in posts and comment over the last couple of posts. 

In any case, I am going to be crazy and host a season premiere party at my house tonight for anyone who knows me well enough to know where I live. It is just the auditions but I am feeling the need for a girls night and I have SUCH a big day with a million things to do today that I can't think of a better way to celebrate getting all my do list done. 

So Come on Over at 8:30 and we will watch and have some tasty treats. Just know that the party will end at 10 so I can get my sleep. I am headed out of town with Sabrina on Friday so I need to be well rested. We are going on a mama daughter trip for her birthday weekend. It will be fun. We will be going to see our new Harris twin babies and help Aunt Nikki feed and burp and love them while Uncle Darren is away. We can't wait!

Hope to see you tonight!

Another Question

Anon asked the following question:

my question is this. do mormons believe that prior to passing through the veil you have agreed to live through the experiences so that you can enter back into the celestial kingdom? i guess i would really want to know that my child who has been abused didnt agree to be abused prior to becoming my child in the womb... horrific things happen by monsters i find it hard to believe that our father in heaven would ALLOW such things to happen.

Dear Anon,  

I don't know of any "official" doctrine of how much we knew of and agreed to of our trials in this life. As you point out, there is always free agency to consider. However, I do believe that our Father in Heaven knows ALL things. And he does allow horrific things to happen. I mean because they do happen all around us! I believe God is all powerful and that He COULD -- it is in His power to stop evil from happening and save any life or any child from harm. But He ALLOWS people to make horrific choices, and he ALLOWS natural disasters to take place, and he allows accidents to occur.  

So if we (and I) believe this -- that he ALLOWS these things -- the real question here should be WHY?? HOW can He - a loving Father -- allow these things to happen? That is the question I would answer for you - the WHY. 

In the Book of Mormon there is a story of a prophet named Alma and his friend and companion Amulek. These two go into a wicked city and begin to preach the gospel. They find much opposition and after they preach they are thrown in prison. However some were converted in during their preaching. The people were so wicked that they gathered all the men, women and children who believed the words of Alma and Amulek. Then they brought Alma and Amulek out of prison and made them watch while they cast all the believers - men women and children - into a fire to kill them. I would call this pretty horrific.  

So while they are watching, "when Amulek saw the pains of the women and children who were consuming in the fire, he also was pined; and he said unto Alma: How can we witness this awful scene? Therefore let us stretch forth our hands, and exercise the power of God which is in us, and save them from the flames." This verse indicates that God has the power to save them from this.  

Let's continue in verse 11 of Alma chapter 14 "But Alma said unto him; The Spirit constraineth me that I must not stretch forth mine hand; for behold the Lord receiveth them up unto himself, in glory; and he doeth suffer that they may do this thing, or that the people may do this thing unto the, according to the hardness of their hearts, that the judgements which he shall exercise upon them in his wrath may be just; and the blood of the innocent shall stand as a witness against them, yea and cry mightily against them at the last day." 

From this verse we see that as a perfectly JUST God, our Heavenly Father must allow people to act according to their own free agency so that their judgements will be JUST at the last day. He Knows before they do the evil act that they will do it because He knows each of us perfectly. But He cannot punish us for something we didn't do. So by allowing the evil doer to do evil, God is just in giving them the punishment they deserve. 

That sounds great but what about the victim right? Especially when they aren't immediately received in the arms of their Heavenly Father but rather have to LIVE with the horror of the crime. Well, that is where the atonement and the grace of the Savior come into play. We believe that Jesus Christ was perfect and without sin, yet he was the ultimate "victim." He suffered the pains, agonies, and hurt of every one of us for everything we have ever done wrong and every thing that has ever been done or just been allowed to happen to us. In doing so, He is able to take our broken hearts and make of them a heart more like His own.  

I am not saying this is an easy road. I am not saying I fully understand how this works. But I can stand as a witness before you that Christ's atonement can heal up broken hearts and make them better than they were before. I am a living example of that. I am a richer, more empathetic, more Christlike person for having suffered the tragic loss of my daughter.  

Would I have chosen this road? Not as a mortal. But before this life? Not knowing what real pain felt like and knowing that the outcome would be to be more like my Savior? I don't know. Maybe? The whole goal here is to become like Him right? That is the reason I am here in this life is to become more like Christ so who knows.

I am so sorry about the abuse of your child. Really, I can't think of many worse things. I pray that this horrific trial will turn to become in some ways a blessing to you and your child as you seek the Lord's healing. And please know that because of Christ's sacrifice and knowing just how hard it is to be the victim, He can extend his mercy and grace to make up for the wrongs done to us in that great last day.

Mormon Questions

To Correen who asked some great questions. I think Jenny did a super job answering. I will have some of those answers up on my profile page but until then I thought I would add a bit to what Jenny said.

1) Do we use birth control? Like Jenny said, this is a personal decision and one the church doesn't have a position on. However, we do believe that the commandment to Adam and Eve to "multiply and replenish the earth" is still in effect and applies to us today. Families help us learn and grow. Having children teaches us so much about the love Heavenly Father has for us. And we believe there are spirits in heaven waiting to come to earth to get bodies. So we are encouraged to have children. How many and how quickly -- that is totally individual and must be decided between husband, wife and their feelings from God.

I think you would find the overwhelming majority of Mormons do use birth control of one form or another.

2) How does Joseph Smith compare to Jesus? I would just add to Jenny's answer that Jesus is the Christ the Son of the Living God. We believe that in its literal truth. We worship Jesus Christ as our Savior and Redeemer. He is the Jehovah of the Old Testament and he is more than just a prophet. He is our Lord and our God.

Joseph Smith was a prophet like Moses or Noah of the Old Testament.  We believe he was instructed of the Lord to reestablish the church Jesus Christ founded when he was living among men in the flesh. We believe this original church and the authority to run it and receive revelation for it died off with the apostles. Joseph Smith was the man the Lord choose to be the prophet to restore that gospel. But he was a man with flaws and imperfections just like you and me. We do not worship him. We revere him but we do not worship him.

There really is so much more to say about Joseph Smith and who he was and what he did in his life. But if you want to learn more about how he came to be the prophet and his experiences you can visit mormon.org and find lots of information about him or you can hit the "Chat online now" button to ask anything you like.

3) Are there certain rituals that occur inside the temple? Yes as Jenny said there are. I would just add that while we don't talk about the specifics of temple ceremonies because they are sacred, they are not some crazy thing we don't want everyone to know. We want everyone to know. We are a proselyting church right? As soon as a person gets baptized we try to focus them on preparing themselves spiritually to make further covenants with God at the temple. The "rituals" are just all ways we make covenants with God just like baptism is. We also perform marriages in the temple.

4) Are there varying degrees of observance? I loved Jenny's answer on this. I think the short answer is yes. We are all imperfect and I think most of us are trying to live according to the things we feel are true. That being said there are always some who do not act in accordance with their beliefs. I think that is true of all beliefs (religious or otherwise) so yes there are varying degrees of observance. But I think you would find that most devout Mormons are trying their best to act in accordance with their faith.

5) What does sealed mean? To seal is to bind. Peter in the New Testament was given the power to bind on earth and have it be bound in heaven (Matthew 16:19). This authority is what we feel was lost and has been restored. We are able to use it in temples to bind families together as family units together forever. So if we are sealed in the Temple, when we die our husbands will still be our husbands and our children will still be our children.  I think most people feel in their heart that this is an obvious truth but I don't know of another religion that teaches this as doctrine.

Thanks for the questions Correen. And thanks for the quick answers Jenny. Again you can find great answers by chatting online at mormon.org. Happy Sabbath everyone!

Approaching the 2-year Mark

Me and Camille June 6, 2008

Summer is sneaking up on me once again. Plans are being made. Vacations are coming up. And the 2 year mark is just weeks away. I am glad to have another year under my belt. Most of the time I feel pretty happy and positive these days. I have learned that it is easier to not get too down by going to bed early. Nights ... they are just hard. I think I am more prone to depressing thoughts at night when I am tired.

I still think about Camille every day. But I don't always think of her in sad ways. Now many days I don't feel great sorrow. I think of her dearly and with a sensitive heart but not necessarily a sad heart. I still have occasional days when I just really miss her and miss the place she would have filled in our little family. But I am becoming accustomed to the idea and reality of my new family -- the one with the gap in the middle.

Then

Now

Today I had a sweet dream that made me feel so sure that all is as it should be and that Camille is well. I feel a strong connection to Camille and in so many ways she still plays such a big role in our little family. She makes so many aspects of reading the scriptures more relatable to my children. I can especially feel her close when we are following the whisperings of the Spirit (you know those gentle --"hmm it might be a good idea if you did this" feelings of the heart?) in how to run our home. We recently had a series of those "whisperings" that have prompted some changes around our home. I will share those soon. I want to give them a while to see if I can keep them up first. So far the results have been dramatic to me.

I have a few other things I want to post about but today I was looking over my blog and realized it had been a long time since I had a photo of my baby girl up here. I just wanted to see a few up here today.

We love you Camille. 

Thank you for continuing to bless your family even from beyond the veil of death.

WANTED: Mormons Willing to Share

Are you Mormon? Does your faith bring you happiness, peace, and joy? Would you like a non-scary way to share the joy the gospel brings to your life with others? Well I have just the thing for you!

I am betting that at least 90% of the Mormons who read the above said "Yes. Yes. And Um YES!" 

If you have spent any time reading this blog you know that I am Mormon (or in other much longer words, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.) I didn't start this blog as a way to share my beliefs with others. But when Camille died, my faith and beliefs were the driving force for getting me out of bed and keeping air going in and out of my lungs everyday. So when I began blogging about my journey through grief, I had to include some aspects of my faith. Without this my "story" would be incomplete. 

In the process of my sharing I have answered many questions about what we crazy Mormons believe. :O) These questions have come from the good faith curiosity of readers who asked them. We have had some really good discussions along the way in comments that has been uplifting and informative for everyone involved. 

The church has seen that many people are more comfortable asking questions and getting answers from someone they feel they know (even an internet friend) than asking missionaries on the street. So they are creating a new site where we Mormons can go create a profile page of our own and give our answers to questions like "Why Am I A Mormon?" or "How do we feel about Joseph Smith" or "Do Mormons practice Polygamy?" 

There are tons of questions and you choose which ones you want to answer. You share a little information about yourself (nothing to compromise your privacy though) and you can even link your profile page to your blog, Twitter, or Facebook account. 

This new website won't be active and going online for everyone to explore for a while, but it is open for Mormons to upload their profiles right now! I just uploaded my profile last night. The goal is to get as many profiles uploaded by as many different people as we can before the site goes live. 

SO..... If you are Mormon and want to share ... Go to new.mormon.org and Sign in if you have an LDS Account (the one you use to check your ward website) or Register to get an LDS Account (you will need your membership number from your temple recommend or ward clerk and your birthday to register.) It will take you to your own Profile Page and you can start uploading your information and answers. 

Then tell every Mormon you know to follow your lead and do the same! Old and young, male and female, every ethnicity! We want to show a true picture of how diverse a group we Mormons really are.

You should know that this is SUPER EASY to do. You do not need to be a computer guru. I am seriously technically challenged. But if you know how to go to the link above and click a mouse you should be able to create a page. Oh and it might help to know how to select a photo to upload. If you have trouble getting into the site just keep trying. Sometimes I have had trouble and yet it has worked out if I just tried again a little later. If you do it I would love to hear about it! Leave me a comment!

For those of you who are not Mormon and are still reading this post (boy are you a faithful reader!) Please let me know if you have any questions you want to see my answers to and I will make sure to answer them on my profile page. Thanks!

Noble's Flower?

I asked my sister to take a few photos of my family at Easter Dinner at my Mom's. I am so pleased with the results. Lauren was not really in a photo taking mood. And the wind was just whipping the girls' hair all over the place. I was surprised at how well the photos turned out in spite of all that and Noble's fairly constant squirming. Thanks so much Lesli!

I saw these dresses for the girls and couldn't resist them. Tulip covered dresses seemed the perfectly subtle way to remember Camille that day and have her represented in our photos.

I love how my girls' personalities really comes out in the photos. Like this one above. Lauren is being such a silly Lily. Ann is looking like a stately rose. And Sabrina could look more cheerful and sweet than a Gerber Daisy.

Which brings me to Mr. Noble. I have still been pondering what to use as his "thing." I haven't wanted to force it. I never have had to force it with the girls. They all just reminded me of their flowers. Noble doesn't remind me of a flower. So I have been playing with other options like plants, trees, or food. I thought I would do food for a while. When he was a baby he was so gassy and stinky I thought maybe a cheese souffle would do the trick. But he is not so stinky now and not really that gassy either. 

But there has been one thing that I have thought of all the time with Noble. He reminds me of an animal. I was worried that maybe I would think all boys remind me of this animal. But I talked to my mom about that and she actually had an animal that each of her boys reminded her of. As she told me of the three animals my three brothers remind her of I could see how well they fit my brothers. So I am feeling fairly confident with saying I will pick an animal for Noble and any other boys that join our family.

So far the one animal that Noble reminds me of is a puppy. He often tries to pick things up off the ground (like his toys) with his mouth. This is not the best idea with tile floors. He ate his cake face first. Often when he is tired he likes to run around in circles and fall down. It kinda reminds me of what a puppy looks like chasing its tail. And he walks around with his tongue hanging out quite often. Plus he is loyal and affectionate, smart, slobbery, and super cute. I am sure as he gets older I will even be able to assign a breed of dog to him. So here is my little puppy.

Depressing

Last night I went to bed depressed. Why? Because I cleaned my kitchen 3 times yesterday and when I went to bed it was a disaster zone again. I should have cleaned it for that 4th time before I went to bed because I woke up with a little rain cloud over my head too.

Usually I have the kids all clean with me for 10 minutes in the morning before they go to school and we can get the whole kitchen and family room pretty well clean for the day. But this morning everyone was being lazy and procrastinating and goofing around. When I told everyone it was time to clean they protested that their hair needed to be done and their shoes weren't on right and they just had to rock in the rocking chair a few more minutes.

I just about cried. It was the end of the rope where I was either going to scream or cry. I took a deep breath and holding back the tears I expressed my frustration that I seemed to be the only one cleaning even though the mess was mostly other peoples. My kids could tell then that I was really needing help and I think they would have pitched in then ... but the doorbell rang and they had to catch their ride to school.

So I did what any sane woman would do in my shoes. I picked up the phone and called my mother. I am lucky to still have a mother here on earth that I can call. I am also lucky to have the kind of relationship with her that I can call her out of the blue and talk to her for an hour about all the worries in life and it makes emptying the dishwasher and picking up the toys, plates, cups, and clothes strewn throughout my house a little more doable.

Talking to my mom blew that little rain cloud away. And I did get up and do some more of the cleaning while we talked. That helped too. I still have a sink full of dishes ... but I think I may just leave that for the school girls after whom I have picked up all morning. ;O)

A Well Seasoned Mother's Day

One principle I have become more acutely familiar with in the last two years is that of opposition. That is the principle that part of our mortal existence is experiencing opposites so that we may understand and feel and know the difference between them. For example, we must know hunger to know a satisfied appetite, we must know pain to appreciate pleasure, we must know sickness to feel the full joy in health.

I thought I understood this principle before. When Camille died, my understanding of this principle took a flying leap off what seemed like a never ending cliff. There was so much pain in her loss and in her absence. How could I ever feel full joy again? Even when we are having the happiest moments in life there will be sadness and pain at her not being with us to experience them. No experience will ever feel complete again. So how in the world could my joy ever be greater for having experienced this pain?

And so for the last two years I have been learning day by day about some of the answers to these questions I had then. Some great answers came from a 20 page discourse that my sister-in-law's uncle wrote years ago on why bad things happen to good people. In it he stated that this life is trial and the full joy to match our pain only really fully comes in the next life. That satisfied my questions according to my former understanding of this principle. 

But I have come to understand a different aspect of this principle. I am writing about it now because Mother's Day was a perfectly encapsulated example of my new understanding. I had the best mother's day I have ever had. But it was not without pain and sadness. Maybe I can best explain by telling you about my day and the progression of my feelings. 

Jonathan let me sleep in and kept the whole house really super quiet so that I really could sleep in. It was wonderfully refreshing to sleep until my own natural waking time. Once I got up, Jon made me a smoothie for breakfast. My girls had a surprise for me that they had been working on for over a week. They each had made a book of pictures of my favorite things (number, color, sport, hobby, etc.) Jonathan gave me a Flip camera I had wanted. He gave it to me so I could record a play the girls had written and rehearsed and then performed for me. 

Jonathan with the Flip Camera

The play was so cute. They had seats for Dad and I and had scripted out "The Perfect Mother's Day" to perform for us in the playroom. I thoroughly enjoyed the performance and the drawings and the handmade beaded bracelet Annie made me. Annie also wrote a poem for me, which she performed with actions after the play. It was so dear and made me feel so loved and like I was actually doing something right as a mother. 

Later at church there was a talk that pointed out how Eve was named "the mother of all living" before she ever gave birth. So, all women are born with the mothering ability and call whether they have children or not. Then I watched as Sabrina guided Lauren up to the stand to sing with all the primary children. I watcher her shuffle Lauren into a position where I could see her and instruct Annie to take care of her. Sabrina then went to a place where she could be seen and not be in the way of other little kids. Annie stood right behind Lauren with her arms wrapped around Lauren so Lauren would not be scared. I felt the joy of watching my own little girls "mothering" their sister.

My Little Mothers

Later that night we met together with all of Jon's family for dinner. As we were leaving, my niece Aubrey gave me a big hug goodbye. She was born a few months after Camille and is Camille's closest cousin in age. Then I watched her lay on her father's shoulder as he carried out to the car.

Aubrey

I have missed the 14 month old Camille all along this journey through grief. But yesterday I missed the cards she would never send, the pictures she would have drawn, the loves she would have given, the performances she would have given, the mothering she would have done. I had SO much joy in my children yesterday. More joy than I could have known if I had never lost Camille. I appreciated each moment and every hug BECAUSE I feel the pain, simultaneously of missing the same loves from Camille. I guess before I just didn't understand that you can feel so much joy when it is seasoned with sorrow in the very same moment.  But just as salt can heighten and enhance the sweetness of many desserts, pain and sorrow can enhance and magnify the feelings of joy in happy moments. 

I am sure there are more facets to this principle that I have yet to fully understand. I have been enrolled in a lifetime course to examine the subject from every angle. But I wanted to record and share how Mother's Day 2010 helped me realized that not all the benefits and full joys that are supposed to come as a result of opposition are reserved for the next life. Even when the sorrow will be life long, it can help us feel greater joy in what we have today.

Happy Birthday Noble

Can it really be a year ago that I gave birth to my sweet little son? Wow. Where has this year gone? Little son has been getting molars and has ear infections so he has not been the happiest birthday boy ever. But I think he found a few highlights during the day. We celebrated today with family and neighbors, a few presents and lots of cake. I made one cake.

And bought two others. 

A Nothing Bundt and a little grocery store cake for Noble to dig into. We have let each kid have their own little cake for their first birthday. Each child has picked at the cake for a while and then finally realized it was kinda tasty and started eating handfuls. Within a few minutes they have been upset that their hands were dirty. They all like the cake but hate the dirty hands.

Noble had his own technique. As soon as he saw the cake he was fussy and ready to eat. Then after we sang and blew out the candles I finally put it down in front of him. He kept his hands clean. Who needs hands to eat a cake right? 

Yes he just dove in mouth first. I didn't even have the tray on securely yet. He took a bite and liked it so he just kept diving in mouth first. It was so fun. The girls were surprised he didn't "pat the cake" like Camille did. They have watched the video of her first birthday so many times. I think they expected Noble to do everything she did that day. I was happy to see him forge his own trail.

 After a while he did eventually end up using his hands to get further in to his cake. 

After a nice bath, he had a few present to open up. Noble got his first Hot Wheels and a ball pit with balls to go in it. he also got a soft ball to play toss with. 

He loved the Little People Farm toys and stacking kitchen pots and pans our neighbors got for him. You think maybe now he will stop pulling my pans out of the cupboards? Hmmm. This kid does like pots.

We let the little guy stay up a little later and play with some of his toys. He was loving it. It was a fun time for everyone. Jon got the whole scene recorded on my early mother's day present. (A flip camera.) I can't wait to watch it back and see him go at that cake again. Have I mentioned how much I love this little boy? So much that my teeth are hurting from gritting so much when I hold him. I love you Noble. Happy Birthday little son.