Ann Marie Day

Happy Birthday to my little Ann Marie. She is 7 today. She came into the world screaming and has gotten more pleasant to be around every year she has been alive. She is now one of the best cleaners, cookers, helpers, workers, readers, students or daughters you could ever meet. In honor of her birthday her dad wrote up an incident that happened with her the other week at church when I was home with a sick Mr. Noble.

One fairly recent Sunday Stephanie stayed home with the baby when he was sick. That left me on full time Dad duty for church. While I was pondering deep religious subjects during Sacrament Meeting (eyes closed), Sabrina said to me rather frantically, “Annie just threw her mittens across the church!!”  I looked over to see Annie standing up and looking – no, GLARING, at something or someone behind us.  It was pretty packed and I didn’t know who she was looking at so I quickly pulled her back into her seat and muttered something about being reverent.             

As I was walking around the hallway after Sacrament meeting, one of the guys in our ward stopped me and we had the following dialogue:

“Hey – which one of your daughters has the arm?!?” 

“Huh?”

“Which one of your daughters threw that bullet in church?”

“Oh, that must have been Annie – did you see what happened?”

“Well the [family name removed] boy was sitting 4-5 rows back, making faces at Annie.  She just cocked her hand back and threw a perfect shot right at him, mitten flying across the church.”

I laughed and thought: well, she has a future in baseball.  The funny thing is that Ann Marie and this boy were bugging each other at the Christmas party just a week or two before the occurrence.  I think as part of the playful bugging one of the boy’s brothers recited some poem involving Ann Marie, this boy, a tree and kissing.  Stephanie and I explained to her that boys sometimes show they like girls by being annoying and bugging girls and girls sometimes show they like boys by being annoying right back. We let her know the best response was to ignore this boy and he would probably stop. But somehow I don't think this little girl is going to be very good at ignoring boys anytime soon.

Kid Quote of the Day

Sabrina came home from school on Friday telling me that she finished her next level of math minute. These are timed math tests. She has been doing flash cards at home trying to get better at this. She hates being timed.

So she told me she finished her timed test on Friday but because it was Friday she didn't get to bring it home yet. I kept asking her if she REALLY did it, since I told her if she could finish it this week I would take her for a scoop of ice cream.

Last night we took her for her scoop of ice cream. Today I was teasing her about how she better have really done it and not been kidding me. Annie said, "Hey Mom, I know how you can know. Just ask her some of those math questions and see if she knows them."

Then Sabrina butted in with, "No Annie that won't work. I have to SEE them! I am a virtual person!"

A Few Scattered Thoughts

I am tired. I have been pretty exhausted at the end (who am I kidding... by 2 pm) of every day this week. I am not sure if it is just getting back into the routine after the holidays or the lack of sleep with teething Noble is catching up to me. But I want to record a few thoughts of the day.

1) Can Of Worms - A Sign of Healing:

I knew I was opening a can of worms with my last post. I know full well that the Health Care Debate is rather heated. That is part of the reason I have stayed on the sidelines. But I felt ready to open that can and see how I felt about the worms.

See before Camille's death I had no problem delving into wormy cans and digging around in them. I love debating issues. I am an attorney for goodness sake. After Camille's death I was so emotionally fragile that I could not go near "worms" of any kind. I just couldn't handle it. I tried to stay as far away from controversy as possible. I didn't want any type of debate. I just needed love.

So it has been interesting to me to see all the comments on my last post and note that I feel fine sifting through them. I have found many of the comments rather enlightening. I think it is good to get perspectives on what health care is like in other countries. I also have appreciated some of the quotes shared. I still am not sure what the path is I fully endorse but I think everyone should have health insurance. The problem is that in the real world there are many who cannot get it or cannot afford it.

Take me for example. I am a healthy 35 year old non smoking, non drinking, physically fit woman who has only been to the hospital for pregnancy reasons. But I have very mild asthma so I have to have an inhaler. I don't use it very much but every once in a while I need it. The cheapest health insurance we could find for me is almost $500 a month. Now I am insured. But that is because my husband makes enough money to pay for the insurance.

What of the family where a person has a history of high blood pressure of some other pre existing condition? What of the person between jobs or who is struggling just to put a roof over head and food on the table. Surely shelter and food are more important priorities than insurance.

There needs to be an affordable solution.

See - nice to be able to dig into the worms a bit and not feel emotionally fragile about it. Healing. Definitely healing.

2) Lauren and I were running lots of errands today. Here is one of our conversations:

Lauren: I want Grandma and Nana to be little girls.
Mama: When they are in heaven they get to be younger again.
Lauren: How do you know that?
Mama: Heavenly Father tells us so.
Lauren: He can't do that!
Mama: Sure He can. He tells the prophet and the prophet tells us.
Lauren: HA HA HA hee hee hee! Mama ... You are Hi. LAR. ious!!! You are Hilarious Mama!

Apparently we need a family home evening on how Heavenly Father reveals truths to his children. Hmmm.

3) Tonight driving home from my last errand with all the kids in the car (minus Noble who was asleep at home with Dad) I got told all about how I am the meanest mom in the universe. I guess that is what telling kids they have to go to bed when the get home at 8:30 p.m. makes me. :) I also apparently NEVER do anything. I never do any house work or anything.

Geez I wonder how I got so tired then.

Before the kids got in bed. Sabrina broke down in tears, hugging me and sobbing. "I am so sorry Mama! I am so sorry that I said those things in the car." She is such a tender hearted little girl. It is a gift.

4) Noble -- He may drool like a puppy but he eats like a horse.

So many people in the last week have commented on his eyes. "What blue eyes! They are so pretty. Who else in your family has them?" He is getting bigger (probably because of all that food he is eating. Every time I get baby food at the grocery store they ask me how many babies I am buying for or how this should last me a month. No just one baby and just for a week or so.) And as he gets bigger he reminds us more of his sister. "His sister Camille. That's who else had these eyes."

This morning for breakfast he ate 2 Gerber tubs of baby food and a full large cereal bowl of rice and oatmeal cereal mixed with the left over smoothie Jon made. Then he ate a handful of Cheerios. Where is he putting it all?

5) I have put a thought about every other kid so I better add one about Ann Marie. Today we went to violin lessons. She did awesome. She learned how to shift. After playing for a while she said her back was feeling sore. So she did the downward facing dog. Then she did another yoga move. Then another. Each move was perfect. The teacher was so impressed. "Her yoga positions are really good." Hmmm. "Yeah," I replied. "Not sure where she learned them. I have never done yoga before." I think she was making the moves up as she went.

Okay Now I am thinking I better get up to bed. Goodnight y'all.

Health Care Reform

As our nation is undergoing a great debate on health care, I have been sitting on the sidelines without really forming a solid opinion on the issue. I am not sure what the right answer is in the matter. But on Christmas Eve a long time family friend of ours, Garth Abbott, was diagnosed with a rare aggressive form of breast cancer.

This form of cancer requires timely treatment in the form of aggressive chemo and radiation therapy as well as surgery. Garth and his family are ready to battle this condition head on. There is one big problem. Garth is currently uninsured. I always thought we still gave medical care to uninsured people but apparently we don't. We will treat the symptoms of the uninsured but not the root problems.

So apparently Garth can not get the chemo, radiation, and surgery he needs without showing he can pay for them.

His daughter in law is holding an auction to raise money for his treatment. I have a link to her blog on the sidebar of my blog. There are some really great things up for auction and it is worth checking out.

On a broader note, this situation has solidified at least one opinion for me in the great Health Care Debate -- We ought to be able, in this modern era to find a way to treat all people for their medical needs.  I am still not sure what we must do, but I have moved into the "Something must be done" camp.

Advice on How to Help a Struggling Friend

I got an email from a woman whose friend has lost a child about a year ago and who has stopped coming to church. She asked for my advice. I thought the advice I gave her may be useful to more of you out there so I am including an edited copy of my email to her below. I edited it so it would be anonymous as to who the recipient and person of interest in the email are. 

I also wanted to share some thoughts from Elder Holland to my fellow angel mothers who are struggling to go to church. I will include those, which were not part of my email, below in a different font.

Now my email:

I am not exactly sure how to advise you. I wish I knew the right thing to say to these mothers that would be the "balm of Gilead" that would heal their souls and bring them back to church. Unfortunately I don't think any mortal can do that. 

What I can tell you is to just love her. Tell her you love her and give her a hug EVERY time you see her - EVEN if it is uncomfortable for you or her or both. It will get easier. Just mean it and do it. I have one girl who does this for me. She and I were acquaintances when my daughter died and now she is one of my closest friends and one of the few I feel okay opening up to now - 18 months later- when I have a really down time.

Also, you should know that your friend's not coming to church - while it is not the easiest path through grief in my view - is not uncommon. MANY many people who have lost a child go through a period of anger and many of them direct that anger at God or people at church. Many are easily offended and there are so many things people at church say (unknowingly) that can be taken offensively or that can hurt. It can be anything from any faith promoting story to direct comments of judgement from some misguided individual.

I am not saying your friend has had those experiences. I don't know if she has. But many on the angel blog have. Most have had issue with something said to them by priesthood leaders that has been hurtful to them. It is a hard thing for both parties. It is hard to be the wounded soul who has to grow thick skin very quickly where there is a gaping open wound. It is also hard to be the guide who want to help and yet can't seem to touch the person without wounding them.

I have pretty thick skin to begin with. I am not easily offended. I have had thing said to me by family and strangers that most in my shoes would consider highly offensive. Most of the time I am able to shrug it off knowing the person only meant to help. The couple of times I have been offended I have worked through my feelings and gotten over it. Because I know this is MY problem. I am the one wounded and sensitive. I cannot expect everyone else to know how to treat me. At least not unless I tell them directly.

What seems to help me the most and I feel this is universal and totally safe for all wounded souls, is love and confidence. I told my mother that I needed her to tell me I was a good mother. It sounds silly but I NEED to hear her say that and often - even if she thinks I know it - I need to be reminded. 

There is a sense of failure that comes from losing a child. It devastates your self image as a mother. No matter how they died, there is a sense that you failed to keep them alive. That is built into your DNA - Keep them alive. To fail at that, even if it was out of your hands or you know it was God's will for them to go at this time, is devastating. 

So be patient with your friend. The Lord knows her and loves her. He is the only one who can give her that Balm of Gilead and heal her soul. And He can only do that when she is ready to receive it. She has to be done with the anger and ready to turn her heart and her hurt over to the Lord. She has to build that trust up again in Him.

Right now the best any of us can do for your friend is just love her and and show confidence in her that she will find her way through grief. And we can pray that she will find the Lord somewhere along the way.

Now for my fellow angel mothers, please read this excerpt from a talk by Elder Holland that appeared in the May 2004 Liahona. The talk was entitled, "Abide in me."

Christ said, “I am the true vine, and … ye are the branches.” 2 “Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me.” 3

“Abide in me” is an understandable and beautiful enough concept in the elegant English of the King James Bible, but “abide” is not a word we use much anymore. So I gained even more appreciation for this admonition from the Lord when I was introduced to the translation of this passage in another language. In Spanish that familiar phrase is rendered “permaneced en mi.” Like the English verb “abide,” permanecer means “to remain, to stay,” but even gringos like me can hear the root cognate there of “permanence.” The sense of this then is “stay—but stay forever.” That is the call of the gospel message to Chileans and everyone else in the world. Come, but come to remain. Come with conviction and endurance. Come permanently, for your sake and the sake of all the generations who must follow you, and we will help each other be strong to the very end.

“He who picks up one end of the stick, picks up the other,” my marvelous mission president taught in his very first message to us. 4 And that is the way it is supposed to be when we join this, the true and living Church of the true and living God. When we join The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we board the Good Ship Zion and sail with her wherever she goes until she comes into that millennial port. We stay in the boat, through squalls and stills, through storms and sunburn, because that is the only way to the promised land. This Church is the Lord’s vehicle for crucial doctrines, ordinances, covenants, and keys that are essential to exaltation, and one cannot be fully faithful to the gospel of Jesus Christ without striving to be faithful in the Church, which is its earthly institutional manifestation. To new convert and longtime member alike, we declare in the spirit of Nephi’s powerful valedictory exhortation: “Ye have entered in by the gate; … [but] now, … after ye have gotten into this strait and narrow path, I would ask if all is done? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; … press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, … and endure to the end, behold, thus … ye shall have eternal life.” 5

Jesus said, “Without me ye can do nothing.” 6 I testify that that is God’s truth. Christ is everything to us and we are to “abide” in Him permanently, unyieldingly, steadfastly, forever. For the fruit of the gospel to blossom and bless our lives, we must be firmly attached to Him, the Savior of us all, and to this His Church, which bears His holy name. He is the vine that is our true source of strength and the only source of eternal life. In Him we not only will endure but also will prevail and triumph in this holy cause that will never fail us. May we never fail it nor fail Him I pray in the sacred and holy name of Jesus Christ, amen.

I pray that each of us will have the courage necessary to follow the counsel of Elder Holland and stay in the "Good Ship Zion" even through this most difficult and scary storm and even though there may be fellow sailors who make the trip even more difficult. It is not easy sometimes to stay in the boat. Sometimes it seems it would be better or safer to just abandon ship. But for our spiritual health it is best to stay in the boat and make it to our "promised land" where our children are waiting. May we all arrive there safely together. My love to you all and prayers that we may all survive the spiritual storms of our lives.

You Know Your Kids Were Listening When...

As a family we have been reading the scriptures in the mornings before school for a couple of years now. Some mornings I feel I am talking to myself as I read and they get ready or eat breakfast. But then once in a while I get evidence that maybe something is sinking in.


Me at about 6:30 p.m. tonight: "Man I am SO tired. Geez! I am tired."


Lauren (age 4): "Me too! I can verily verily rock (on the rocking chair)."


Then yesterday in the car on the way home from school:


Ann Marie holding up a sight word certificate: "Look Mom! I passed off all the sight words."


Me: "Great job Annie. I bet that was pretty easy huh? Didn't you know all of them the first time they tested you?"


Annie: "Well yeah. Except I had to do list 7 over and over because I kept saying 'unto' instead of 'into.'"


For the record: "Verily, verily I say unto you" is in the LDS standard works (Bible, Book or Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants and Pearl of Great Price) 398 times. 

Clean Up After Yourself Month

I have officially declared January "Clean Up After Yourself Month" in my house. I like New Year's Resolutions and all but I often find a year too long a time frame for my goals. Instead this year I am going to do 12 goals, one each month. All the while I am going to try to maintain the good habits I have made from previous resolutions.

So January's goal is to teach my family to clean up after themselves. This is not easy. It is hard to teach something you are not really good at yourself. :) So we had a family council and talked about how this month we are going to ALL try to clean up after ourselves. 

We all agreed that we want to live in a happy cheerful home and not a crying, whining, yelling home. So all of us are going to remind each other to pick up after ourselves in a cheerful way.  We are simply going to say "So and so, remember, clean up after yourself month" and point out what has been left out.

If there is crying and whining in response the person crying or whining or refusing to clean up after him or herself gets a strike. Three strikes and you are out. Those who stay "in" get a family date at the end of the month. Those who get out will have to stay home with the meanest babysitter I can find. 

I started us off by cleaning the main living areas today. And all day we have had no crying or whining when people have been reminded to pick up their shoes or backpacks or dishes. I have even heard some kids remind each other that it is clean up after yourself month. I love it. And right after dinner, in her most important sounding voice, Lauren "reminded" me of our goal and pointed to the dinner mess on the tables. I smiled and told her I would get on it as soon as people finished eating.

I really hope this month will improve my families tendency to take off a shirt and toss it wherever and leave shoes all over and leave dishes on the table. 

I am not sure what next month's goal will be yet. I guess we will see how this month goes. 

Make Some Noise!

"Kids like to make noise." That is the thought that came into my mind as I listened to Lauren pounding on Jonathan's keyboard to hear each different sound it could make. Meanwhile in the adjacent bathroom Sabrina and Ann Marie are taking a bath and laughing and playing with each other ... loudly. Jonathan is laying on the floor at the foot of our bed and I am on our bed watching Lauren experimentally pound away.

Kids like to make noise and right in that moment there was quite a bit of noise - even with Noble sleeping. I imagined how loud it would be if he were awake and either crying or "talking." I don't always do well with a lot of noise. Sometimes I think it is going to drive me crazy.

Then I thought about the days before Jonathan and I had children. I imagined us there with no children. Just the two of us laying on the bed and the floor. "How boring," I thought. I am amazed that together Jon and I have built up this little noise making crew. And then I felt grateful for the noise. It fills my life. Even the crying. Sometimes when Noble is crying and I feel I am going to go crazy I remind myself how desperately I wanted to hear Camille cry in the hospital. Then I am thankful for the crying.

Today I welcome the noise. The pounding, the playing, the laughter, and the tears. It is the soundtrack to a mother's life. I will have plenty of quiet years in the future. But for now I am enjoying the life represented by the noise.

Auction Receipt

Stephanie and I are enjoying the Holidays with family, but she moved the $7,000 over to the John & Emily Jones Memorial Fund. She asked me to post the screen shot of the receipt to the blog, so here it is. She put a note to Emily Jones with the payment to let her know that each dollar represents the love from all of us to her at this time. Thank you to all!

Christmas Cards 2009

Thanks to Whitney from Your Card Bakery for helping me design the Christmas card I had in my mind. She helped me make every detail perfect. I love our card and how each child has blessed us with a heavenly gift this year. I love the tags, especially Camille's. 

Most of all, I love seeing all my kids together on the card. I teared up seeing it on paper for the first time. This is the last Christmas card we will have where the photos will still represent the proper birth order. Next year Noble will be older than Camille ever was. I am not sure how I will do next years card. But for this year I LOVE this one. To me, it is a treasure.

Merry Christmas to you all and may your families enjoy the heavenly gifts we have enjoyed in 2009! 

Charity - Wisdom - Joy 

Faith - Healing

Merry Christmas!

Apparently I have to wait 3-4 business days for the money I deposited in my bank account yesterday to clear its transfer into my Paypal account. So I guess I will be transferring the money to Emily's Paypal account a couple of days after Christmas. I will take a screen shot when I do so you can all see that your money did make it to Emily.

However, I said I would announce the grand total today and announce it I will. Thanks to my late night friend with an awesome name, we had a last minute $200 donation to round out our number.

With all that, our grand total that we will be sending to Emily is ....

$7000.00

I hope she will be able to live a few months off the money and give herself some time to grieve before she HAS to deal with the big decisions before her.

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you all feel the sweet after taste of giving in your hearts all through the season! You deserve it!

T'was the Night Before the Night Before

There is a sweet stillness in my home tonight. I am soaking it in. There are chores that still need to be done, laundry to fold and counters to wipe, but sometimes I just like to be still and ponder. I will get to the chores.  They will wait.

We went to the cemetery. We all wrote letters to Camille and put them in a stocking for her. We left the stocking hanging on her tomb. It was the first time we had been there since Noble was born. It was so much less hard for me to be there with Noble in tow. For Jon it feel like a sacred spot. Lauren was pretty scared to go. She wouldn't come in the mausoleum. I had to pick her up and carry her in. Once we got inside she did better. She played chase with her sisters and they asked all about every person buried there.

Sabrina wanted to know where she would be buried. I told her she would likely be buried next to her husband somewhere. "But why? I want to be with my sisters and parents." What a blessing it is to have an assurance of faith that someday we will be -- with our sisters and brothers and mothers and fathers and children too.

I went to the bank and deposited all the checks today. Then I came home and transferred the total of all those checks into my paypal account. I should get the last 2 checks in the mail tomorrow. As soon as I get the mail I will be transferring the total in my Paypal account to Emily. I will post the grand total tomorrow.

I wish I could afford to throw another $200 in to make it a nice round number. Unfortunately I have already donated beyond my budget and I am going to be counting my pennies the next month to make sure the bills all get paid.

Still it is so far much more than I could ever have anticipated to have raised -- especially in such a tight economy. Thank you all so much.

Well, if you are still reading, thanks for hanging in with me through this rather stream of consciousness post. I guess I should get to wiping counters and folding laundry now.

Merry Night Before the Night Before!

The Spirit of Christmas

It is the week of Christmas at last. The kids are out of school. The presents are wrapped. The treats and goodies have been made and delivered. The auction is winding up. (I am still waiting on checks from 11 people. I emailed them today to see if they have sent them yet.) The Christmas program at church has been held.

And now with all that behind, it is time to focus on the greatest gift of all. I think of the anticipation I have to open my presents. (My mother has delivered 3 presents for me this year - one small,  one big and one gigantic. I have NO idea what they could be. I haven't had a Christmas surprise for years and I am so excited. She said when she saw it she started to cry. It has gotta be a good one!)

I watch my children in their wonderment over the packages and bows. They spent hours last night hiding themselves away "making" presents for each other and wrapping them to put them under the tree. And in this I wonder at the anticipation we must have felt for that sacred night so long ago when the Christ child came into the world.

Yesterday Jonathan and I (and Noble in the Bjorn) sang in the church choir. I love singing in a choir. I love the unity of the voices and the power with which dynamics can be performed. I stood there singing with such gratitude that I can sing once more. What a long way we have come.  I can sing again.

I think I must have sung then - more than 2000 years ago on that sacred night. I feel sure that I must have been one of the angels in the choirs of heaven that sang praises of His birth. I wonder if I had any idea then how much His choice to come to earth and live and die for me would mean to me now -- over 2000 years later and with no memory of Him as my older brother before this world was. I wonder if I could have imagined how close to Him I would feel and how completely dependent on Him and indebted to Him. I think I could not have imagined it then - not having suffered through my trials with Him carrying me.

So I think I must be more grateful this year - my first Christmas out of the shock and cocoon of grief -- than ever in the history of my existence for the birth and life and eventually the suffering, death, and resurrection of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Tonight we will go to visit Camille's grave and hopefully my heart will feel the joy of Him who overcame death and has conquered the finality of the grave. Hopefully, I will feel that that this is just a resting place for my sweet baby girl's body until we are reunited once more. And surely, this Christmas I will rejoice in the babe that was born so many years ago and made it possible for me to be with my babe again.

Go see this really cute video that made me cry -- in a really good way!

Auction Preliminary Results

This Auction has been the most amazing experience for me. It has been a lot of work, but the rewards have been so great that I am thinking I may have to make this an annual event. Next year I think I will have readers nominate a family in need and then we will choose a family from those nominated and do an auction for them.

Really, the spirit of Christmas is so infused into this auction that it just makes me feel all warm inside. I mean I have really seen the goodness of the human spirit come out over the past 12 days. I have seen generous donations and bids. I have seen friends and strangers trying to help out a sister in need. I have seen cancer patients and bereaved mothers donating their handmade goods to help raise money. More than one of the items donated were handmade by women currently undergoing chemo. I mean come on! If that isn't the spirit of Christmas ...

It is the spirit of sacrifice. And it is one of the most beautiful and touching things to behold. It is the greatest gift we can give at this Christmas season. For it is in like manner that the Father sacrificed his Only Begotten and let Him come to Earth for a season to show us the way Home.

So thank you to all of you for showing me your gifts of sacrifice and helping me magnify the spirit of Christmas this year.

Now for the RESULTS!!!

I will share with you here the tally of all the winning bids. That information I do have. It is not however the final amount raised by the auction that I will be putting in the Memorial Fund. You see, the sacrificing spirit has carried over beyond the bidding and many of our winners (and even some who didn't win) are paying more than they bid. They are rounding up or, in some cases, doubling or more their bids. And I have even had a few donations from people who didn't take part in the auction online.

So it is impossible for me to tally the total we will together have raised to help out Emily through this Auction until I receive all the payments. I WILL share that information as soon as I have it. In fact I will take a photo of my computer screen after I deposit the money in Emily's Memorial Fund so you can all see that the money got there.

But for now the tally of JUST the winning bids (not including donations I have received) is: 

$5,820.50

A Letter From Emily...

Hello all you generous donors and bidders! 


Today is the last day to bid on items in the Emily Jones Memorial Fund Auction. Lets get the bids up as high as we can to help out Emily!

Yesterday I got an email from Emily. With her permission I want to share it with all of you because I think it is really meant for all of us. 

*******************************************************

Hey Stephanie,

I don't have a reason for writing this e-mail except to tell you that I think you are the most amazing girl I've (n)ever met. I've spent all day online trying to figure out what I want to do with my life...looking for possible careers and graduate programs and ultimately feeling so discouraged that I put my head down and started to cry. Photography was my "backup plan" for getting through medical school, but I'd never thought of a backup plan for being a single mom for the rest of my life. Anyway, it's been a hard day. To make a long story short, I gave up on my future and decided to spend some time looking at your blog instead. 


I can't explain the overwhelming feeling of love and hope it gave me to see how many wonderful people there are in the world. Some of the people involved in your auction are my friends but most of them are people I've never met. I am deeply grateful for both. All of the items are adorable and things that I would bid on myself if I were in the position to do so. I was also amazed by how generous people are being with their bids. 


How can I thank all these people? How can I let them know that this means more to me than just monetary relief? I don't know how to explain it. I have the hope that comes from faith, but there are times when I've felt so lonely and scared of facing a future without John. But feeling loved by so many people dissipates the fear and loneliness.

I don't fully understand why you are doing all this for me, a perfect stranger, but I want you to know that you have changed my life. Someday I hope I can find ways to support others the way you have supported me. You're an amazing example.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for everything you're doing.

Love,

Emily

******************************************************************************

To me THIS is really what Christmas is all about. Honestly, I was a bit worried about trying to find and feel the magic and joy and love of Christmas this year. The second Christmas after a death was proving harder than the first. But between this auction and a service project my husband headed, I think  we have felt more of the true Christmas Spirit around here than any other Christmas. 

There is something about giving to the point of true sacrifice that really fills your heart with the love of Christ. I hope all of you will keep opening up your wallets and hearts enough to feel that too.

Thank you to all of you for helping me and ESPECIALLY for helping Emily.

John Jones

This week my husband told me about a news report he read about a guy who got stuck and died in the Nutty Puddy caves in Utah near BYU where we went to college together. Today he told me more details about the story. I remember being invited to go explore these caves in college. I am a bit claustrophobic though so I didn't go. Still so many of my friends did go that this story seemed personal to me. This could have been any one of my friends.

So today I read more about this man, John Jones, and his trial being stuck upside down in a space 10 inches high by 18 inches wide for 28 or so hours while rescue workers labored to get him out. And I read a bit about his family and his life. He was 26. He was married and had a 14 month old little girl. I kinda have a serious soft spot for 14 month old little girls. His wife is expecting their second child. He was a BYU grad and was in medical school at the University of Virginia.

His life reads so much like so many of my friends. I just really feel heart broken for his wife and family. I saw that there is a memorial fund set up for his wife and children. I can imagine how stressful money would be on top of the grief for this new young widow of a med student. I wanted to do something. So tomorrow I am going to Wells Fargo to donate to the Emily Jones Memorial Fund. I think it will be the perfect way to officially start the Christmas season in my heart. And yet, I want to do more.

So .... I am thinking I want to do an auction to raise money for this young widow. I am going to be posting some things this week that will be auctioned off to raise money for this fund. The auctions will start tomorrow. I will try to do one every day. If you want to put something up for auction, let me know in a comment. Otherwise, watch this week for auction items and details on bidding.

If you don't want to bid on anything you see, think about making a donation at Wells Fargo to the Emily Jones Memorial Fund. I think it will be the best gift I give this Christmas.

You can read the family's statement HERE.

Talking It Out

Jonathan and I drove up to the Cabin with the kids for Thanksgiving. Along the way I talked to him about some of the ways I feel I have changed since Camille died. I do feel like I have changed for the better in so many ways, but some of the changes I don't like. They worry me. They are not easy to discuss. It makes me cry to talk about them.

The issue we discussed this trip is how guarded I feel now. I feel so much less open. I have a hard time maintaining eye contact with people close to me but not in my little family. We talked about all the reasons I may feel this way.

Sometimes I think if I look at someone who knows me really well for too long they will see the hurt that is still there. I don't want them to see the hurt. I don't want them to hurt because I am hurting.

I don't feel that way with my husband and children. They share the pain I feel. It is a common pool from which we all drink. I don't need to hide it or acknowledge it to them. It is just there. I know it. They know it.

So Jon and I had what was for me a teary conversation about this on our late night drive. Then we spent the weekend with my parents, my sister's family, and Elder Sitati's family (friends of my parents from Kenya.) And the whole weekend I did not feel that inhibition. I had no problems maintaining eye contact.

I guess we will see if this continues but I told Jon on the way home that he was a great counselor and I guess I should use him more often to talk things out.

Sucked In

I have been away on vacation again -- book vacation. It had been months since I had treated myself to the pleasure of diving in to a gripping novel. Last week one of my miamaids gave me a copy of Hunger Games to read. That night I read for an hour. I finished it the next night after being totally sucked in.

It was a great read. I am looking forward to getting the second book to start. Gabby you out there? Are you going to be home this week? I need #2!

Then yesterday I plowed through a terribly wonderful book called Walk Two Moons. My friend and neighbor lent that one to me. It was very well written and powerful as well. But it did make me cry more than I would have liked to last night. The birds of sadness were nesting in my hair last night after reading it.

I love reading. I think when all my kids are in school I am going to take a couple months and just read all day while they are gone. :) Because then there will be nothing else that I HAVE to do right? ;) Right.

Happy Thanksgiving Week Everyone! And Gabby, I am serious, Book 2 -- I need it!

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Edited a few hours later -- Thanks Gabby! I will be enjoying Book 2 now!

Grateful

I am at 12 of my 16 reps of double leg reverse kicks at Pilates this morning when my instructor says, "four more!"

I am feeling the burn in my abs each time I crunch up and kick my legs out to a 45 degree angle while pulling my hands to my hips and extending the springs attached to the straps they are holding. I feel the burn and it feels great. I feel strong. I am feeling centered.

"How about we do four more after the four more," I reply between breaths.

She has me do a new set of 16 instead. It is a new exercise I haven't done before. My legs shake as I struggle to keep them straight while lowering them to a 45 degree angle and lifting them back to a 90 angle. This time she has me hold the crunch while my legs shake in protest.

My abs have had it and we move to arms. We try new exercises there as well. The legs get their turn and throughout the routine I am enjoying the burn I feel and the growing strength I can see in my abilities. I add more weight to the springs to challenge myself and see if I can do it. And I can.

I am aware of my muscles the rest of the day. I feel them working in everything I do and I am grateful. Grateful for a body that can. Grateful that my center has been restored after an off day on Wednesday. Grateful to feel muscles and lungs and a heart in the space that was a gaping hole in the middle of me not so long ago.

Just Grateful.

Ditto to all the things mentioned in this video as well.

My Article in the Paper

The following is the article I submitted to the paper for the National Family Week Insert. It is the second article in the insert if you get the paper. Here it is for the rest of you who don't get the RJ.

My most cherished childhood Christmas present wasn’t wrapped in a pretty box or purchased at a fancy store. My favorite Christmas memory was the year my parents did a completely homemade Christmas.

I spent several afternoons at my grandmother’s house that fall. She helped me paint porcelain gifts for my parents, friends and siblings. Meanwhile my whole family was busy at home making a present for me.

Each of my siblings also got handmade gifts. Santa brought bulletin boards to frame each child’s treasures. My older sister received shadow boxes to showcase her dolls. We made wooden blocks for my younger twin brothers. My older brother still has the wooden puzzle of his name that we made for him. He even made one similar to it for his own son a few Christmases ago.

But I think my present was the best of all. Under a sheet with a bow on it Christmas morning was a homemade Barbie dollhouse. It had four rooms. The walls were wallpapered with extra wallpaper from our house. The floors were carpeted with extra carpet fragments. It was totally unique and the coolest toy on the block. I loved that each member of my family helped make it for me.

With money being tight this year, this may be a good Christmas to get creative and go homemade. While I am not crafty by nature, I have been taking sewing classes and I know people who can help me make fun wooden creations.

With all the crafty blogs and websites out there, it has never been easier to find and learn how to make wonderful gifts. The best gifts are the ones that show you how much you are loved. Thoughtful handmade gifts can show our love without the high price tag.