Debt

There has been much ado in current events with regards to debt. I have a few thoughts on the subject that have been in my mind the last few days.

I am debt phobic. I think it is the inherent cheap side of me that just cannot stand to pay interest. I feel like it is paying for nothing. I like to get the best deal I can on things. Somehow I would rather wait and save $10,000 to buy something rather than have it now and pay $15,000 over the next 10 years. To me that seems like a waste of $5,000.

Now, I understand that somethings can't practically be saved for in advance and so we must sometimes go into debt. Houses are like that. Education can be like that. And certain other major and often unexpected expenses also fall into this category. I have had Home and Education debt, but even then, I feel the weight of the debt on me and work hard to pay it off as quickly as possible. I guess you could say I am hyper aware of what I owe. I am far more comfortable as a creditor than a debtor.

Some debts, however, you can never repay. My debt to my parents is one of these. How can you ever repay your mother for the sacrifices she made to bring you into the world let alone all the time and energy raising you? My mother says these are they type of debts you don't try to pay back. They are the type you pay forward.

The debt that has most been on my mind lately is that which I owe to the Lord. Really, think about it for a minute. What am I of my own accord? A bit of conscious intelligence perhaps? And what do I owe the Lord? Let's start basic on this list here. He gave me life and a body. I could stop there and have a debt greater than I could pay.

I was born in America. Anyone who has travelled much outside the US, especially to third world countries, knows what a blessing it is to be born in America. Even the poorest of poor here have life better than so many millions in Africa and other places.

Beyond that I was born into a loving nuclear family where I was taught correct principles and guided smoothly through my youth and adolescence. Along the way, the Lord blessed me with a testimony and incredible spiritual experiences that taught me of His love for me.

If the rest of my life were all trials and misfortune, I would still be in debt to the Lord. But in the years since leaving the home of my youth, my blessings have only been amplified. Even the trials have brought blessings with them. Even this most dear price of my sweet little girl, is but a drop of repayment of ocean of debt I have amassed to the Lord. And even now He showers me in His love and peace and by the ministry of angels.

Add to this the sacrifice of His son and the suffering of the Savior on my behalf. This blessing breaks the bank. It is the great and final trump that surpasses all other blessings. Without it, I am lost and damned. With it, I have the potential to be like my Savior. Yes, in this, he has bought whatever was mine of myself.

I am hyper aware of what I owe. And yes, some debts you never can pay back. Some debts you can only try to pay forward.

Suzi Hyte Fundraiser

For those of you living in Las Vegas, I want to encourage you to do a little early Christmas shopping tomorrow. I grew up here in Las Vegas. When we moved back, we moved back into my parents home as they were in Africa serving a 2 year mission. That meant moving back to our home ward. The bishop of that ward is a man I have known my whole life. He and his lovely wife had 4 girls then 2 sons and at last a little girl again. I grew up with these kids and was friends with their 4th daughter all my growing up years. 

Their youngest daughter is Suzanne, or Suzi. She is an amazing young woman. Shortly after we moved back to Vegas, Suzi was diagnosed with cancer. She had just started her first year of law school. She had to postpone her studies to undergo chemo for 6 months. The chemo worked though and she was able to start law school again the next fall. As the first semester ended, she found out the cancer had returned. This time the treatments were far more aggressive. She spent months in Salt Lake City getting treatments there.

She has completed her treatments now and is cancer free right now but her lungs have been severely damaged and her medical bills are ... well I am sure we can all imagine. Through all this she is still pursuing her law degree. I have done law school. I know how hard it is. Doing it with cancer... I am telling you, she is amazing. Even more inspiring is how optimistic and humble Suzi has been throughout this trial. Her attitude is one I try to emulate. She is one of my heroes. 

So some of the good people in my home ward have organized an event as a fund raiser to help with her medical bills. I hope those of you local to the area will support it however you can.

I will be there shopping myself and if you see me there please come say hello even if I don't know you. I love meeting those of you who have silently supported me through this blog. Hope to see you there!

Pre-Christmas Shopping Party 

Thursday, October 9^th  6:30 – 8:30

American Heritage Academy

6126 S Sandhill Rd. #C 

Las Vegas, NV89120

Come shop at companies such as The Pampered Chef, Mary Kay, Avon, Premiere Jewlrey, Heritage Makers, Longaberger, Modbe, Scentzy Candles, Tastefully Simple and more .  There will also be  holiday decor on sale and a raffle. 

 

PROCEEDS FROM THIS EVENT WILL GO TO THE SUZANNE HYTE SUPPORT CONTRIBUTION FUND

If you cannot make the event but would like to donate to the Fund you can do so at her website HERE.

Weekend Update

Here I am sitting at my desk listening. In the distance I hear the sounds of happy playing children. It is one of my favorite sounds. I sent them up to get ready for bed and read books. They are definitely not reading. I should go up there and do some discipline. But tonight I just want to listen to them. Just for a little bit longer.

We had a wonderful vacation to conference. I so enjoyed getting to know my cousin Becky's family better as we camped out at her house. My kids loved playing with their second cousins and didn't want to leave. 

Friday night we met Molly and Vic and Tiffany and Cobe for dinner. Both these couples have lost children recently. It has been 5 months or so for Molly and less than 2 weeks for Tiffany. It was so great to meet them. There is a comfort in being with others who really know. Plus, Jon and I have really liked the other couples we have met who have suffered a similar loss. 

Attending conference was a spiritual event complete with a feast. Elder Holland ... well I just feel sorry for anyone who has to speak after him. His was the only talk that had me in tears, though many others touched and instructed me.

Thanks to my friend Catherine and her family for the tickets for Saturday morning. We had wonderful seats and a delicious lunch, made by her mother, in her dad's office at the Church Office Building afterward. It was a marvelous experience.

Sunday we watched conference from my parents cabin. I haven't ever been there in the fall and it was breathtaking. I only wish we had more time there. I have had such a string of really feeling emotionally well. It is encouraging. 

Well, there is silence upstairs now. That is either a really good or a really bad sign. I suppose I better go investigate.  Off I go.

A Scare

This morning just after breakfast I was in the office working and I heard a funny coughing sort of noise coming from the kitchen. I called out "are you alright?" Then I heard the running of little feet. 

Lauren emerged from the hall silent and with a face of terror. Her hand was raised to her throat. She slipped on the tile floor as she turned to run to me. She fell with a thud to the ground. The fall was a blessing because it dislodged the object in her throat enough that she began to cry. Still the object was not cleared. She began gagging over and over. 

She was eating a chewable vitamin C pill. Only she hadn't chewed. With a bit of water it moved down enough to stop her gagging. She was traumatized by the event until the pill finally moved all the way down to her belly about 2 hours later. 

There were a few moments of terror in all of our hearts this morning. We were once again reminded at how easily life can be taken from this world. We were also reminded that we have angels watching over us, tripping us up when necessary for our own good. And we were reminded that God does not allow children to die when it is not their appointed time. 

All of us in this family have felt the gratitude we ought to for life and the protection of a loving God today. Life is not always easy but it is always a gift worth treasuring. 

General Conference

I am out of town then this weekend to attend the General Conference for my church in Salt Lake City. If you want to watch what will be inspiring me this weekend you can watch online HERE. I will post again on Monday when I return. 

Till then may I share a favorite conference tradition in my little family. I would also love to hear your favorite conference tradition if you are LDS. If you are not LDS, consider tuning in or watching some on the internet. How often do you get to hear a man who 13 million people believe to be prophet like Moses of old speak to the world? Look for talks by Thomas S. Monson if you want to hear the current prophet. See his photo below.

I believe he is the Lord's mouthpiece on the earth today to give guidance and direction to us. I will be seeking the Spirit of the Lord to confirm that truth to me while I listen to him speak. I hope all of you will be seeking for that same Spirit to confirm truth to you as you listen as well.

Our conference tradition is to make homemade cinnamon rolls for Sunday morning. I also print out activity packets for the kids and have them draw pictures or write notes about 3 things each speaker says. What are your conference traditions?

Camille Bracelet

My best friend Emily has created this beautiful bracelet in memory of Camille. She is going to donate all the proceeds from the sale of this bracelet to the LDS Humanitarian Fund in memory of Camille.

The Humanitarian Fund is one of the charities to which we asked people to send donations in lieu of flowers. For those of you unfamiliar with this fund, may I tell you what I know about it.  Since 1985, the fund has given relief to 19 million people in 163 nations. Aid is given regardless of cultural or religious boundaries.

My parents have volunteered as humanitarian missionaries for this program, paying their own way to live half way around the world and administer this relief. They spent 18 months in Serbia. There they gave much needed relief to the refugees in Bosnia. They gave out clothing and supplies. In their 24 months in Kenya, they distributed NICU equipment, mosquito nets to prevent malaria, newborn kits, books for school children and they helped natives to build wells bringing fresh water to their villages.

Water is a major issue in Africa and so many women have to walk to the water hole, where the animals bathe and drink, to get the water for their family for the day. Women are killed by crocs hiding in the water. Children die from the illnesses they get from the bacteria in the water.

My parents had the villagers help build the wells and then the humanitarian fund paid for the machinery to pump the water up from the ground to bring fresh water. This gave the villagers a feeling of ownership in the well as they helped dig it. They are then taught to maintain and care for it. 

I know the money in the humanitarian fund is well used. I saw it first hand when I visited my parents in Africa for two weeks. I really appreciate all of you who have made donations to the fund. We have received many, many letters from LDS Philanthropies informing us of your donations and your messages of love.

On behalf of Camille, our family and all those that will be helped by those donations, I say THANK YOU.

So please go visit my friend Emily’s site and buy a Camille bracelet. The money will be going to a great cause in Camille’s name. Her website can be found at www.adorn-jewelry.blogspot.com. Go check it out and buy a bracelet for every little girl you know. 

In memory of Camille Kathleen Waite

April 19, 2007 - June 15, 2008

Blue Cats Eye beads as blue as Camille’s beautiful eyes.

Swarovski crystals sparkle like Camille’s personality and reflect the light she still brings into this world. 

Pearls as pure and white as her soul, too pure for this earth, fit for heaven. 

Hearts of love linking Camille together with her family beyond the grave in an unbroken chain of faith and love and covenants.

Child size: $22

A Conversation with Ann Marie

Annie dressing up at the children's museum.

Two nights ago I had a couple of friends over to watch a movie. Annie kept sneaking downstairs to see when I would come up and snuggle her to sleep. She hates to fall asleep alone. At about 10 p.m. one of my friends saw her on the landing of the stairs ... asleep. I had Jon pick her up and take her to bed when he got home a little later that night. 

Yesterday, I was driving Ann Marie home from her violin lesson. My insomniac daughter and I had the following conversation.

"So, Mom, did you see me sleeping on the stairs last night?" asks Annie

"I heard you were asleep on the stairs," I answered. Then I asked "Why did you go to sleep on the stairs?"

"Because I was waiting for you to come snuggle me!" answered Annie a bit frustrated.

"Well why didn't you wait in your bed?" I asked.

"Because it is too cozy and I would have fallen asleep." At last she admits the truth.

"Isn't that kind of the point?" I note for her. "Plus I would rather snuggle you in your bed than on the stairs. I like cozy places to snuggle, not the stairs. And I can still snuggle you even after you fall asleep."

"You snuggled me on the stairs when I was asleep?!?" she said shocked.

"I snuggle you lots of times when you are asleep Annie." I won't lie to her, but sometimes selecting the appropriate true statement with which to answer can be helpful. 

I think she was a little taken back by this revelation that I snuggle her in her sleep. Maybe she will start "waiting for me to snuggle her" in a more cozy location if she believes I will snuggle her in her sleep. 

Progress

My dad took this photo of Camille at his house four months ago.

 I just wanted a photo of her at the top of my blog.

I want to give myself a progress report. It is the first of October. It has been three and a half months I have been walking this road of grief. This morning I woke up and got out of bed without thinking about the silence. I just woke up and started doing my daily routine. I thought to myself as I was in the bathroom putting myself together, "Well, I guess this is progress."

Then this morning I talked to Tiffany. Some of you may have seen her comment on my Vacation post last week. She lost her son Jackson to a drowning just over a week ago. As we talked this morning I remembered so clearly being where she is right now. I remember the physical pain in my chest. I remember the hallow emptiness inside. I remember seeing the image of Camille in the hot tub every time I closed my eyes. 

I remembered all that but also recognized how far I have come in these past three and a half months. This journey follows a road with many switch backs. There are days when I feel as if I am not getting better. There are hours I feel as sorrowful as I ever have. But when I look at the whole of my journey so far, I can see how much progress I have made. It is slow and tedious and tiresome. But I have made progress.

Even my sorrow feels different now. My tears are less sad tears. They are not tears of joy either. They are the tears of tenderness. They flow easily when I talk of my relationship with Camille. It is not a sad subject to me. It is a tender subject. 

There are also many tears of the Spirit. My heart is still tender to its whisperings. I have a hard time singing hymns. Singing and crying do not mix well. I found myself fighting the tears all during women's conference. I am sure the tears will flow easily through general conference. I will let them. I will be ready with my Kleenex box. 

This morning talking to (or crying to) my mom about this she noted that after a major surgery the doctors tell you to measure your progress not day by day but week by week. You may not feel better today than you do yesterday but next week will feel better than this week. I think that is true to the healing of the soul after a major trauma as well. 

I see vividly the progress I have made. I am no longer in that unbearable pain. The would is not fresh. But I am still very tender. Yes, this soul of mine is healing but still tender. 

Sunday Insights

So this last Sunday I attended my brother Morgan's ward in San Clemente. There were a couple of great comments in the lessons that I wanted to share and maybe add to a bit.

First, in Sunday School we were discussing the pride cycle. One man made the comment that it is human nature to compare ourselves to others. He noted how we measure how well we are doing financially, socially, or spiritually in comparison with our neighbors or friends or acquaintances. He noted that this is not the way we the Lord wants us to measure ourselves.

I want to further expound on his comment because I think it was profound and it helps me answer a comment that someone posted about feeling guilty after reading my blog posts. I completely agree that it is our nature to want to compare ourselves to others. This is not helpful. Whether we find ourselves falling short or doing better than our friend, neither is a good outcome. 

We must learn to only measure ourselves against our own benchmark. It is only important that we are growing learning and improving. It is only important that we are becoming more like Christ. It is far less important where we are on that path to becoming like Him than which direction we are facing and moving.

We are each given different kinds and numbers of talents when we come to this earth. We don't need to all reach a certain number of talents by the end to be found worthy. We only need to do the most with what we are given. Remember the parable of the talents?

No one but me has lived my life. Others know this trial of losing a child, but none of them has had exactly the same lessons taught to them before encountering this trial. So no one is going to be in exactly the same place as I am in my own journey through this life. The same is true for everyone. We must only measure ourselves by our own progress and not make it relative to anyone else. 

There is one good reason to investigate and analyze the lives of others. It is the same reason we read the scriptures. We look to others to find examples of how ways we can improve. We can see the ways others have reacted, good or bad, and try to learn from their experience. Then if we ever encounter a similar situation we can try to live according to what we learned from the other. 

So please, do not feel guilty after reading any of my posts. Those of you struggling with your children. I know how that feels. I am not in that place right now but I was 4 months ago. I was smack in the middle of it. I don't feel I was failing then. I was doing the best I could given my circumstances. Could I have been doing better? Yes. Of course. I could be doing better as a mother now. But I am learning and growing and trying. That is what counts. 

Now in line with those thoughts, a woman in Relief Society (the women's group) at church shared a comment about righteous traditions. I loved her comment. It was a tradition her family has for Sunday's. She noted before the comment that she didn't want people to feel overwhelmed by her comment because she often felt that way when others talked about things they do well that she did not. 

But I am so glad she shared her idea because I love a good idea and even if I can't do it perfectly, I want to try to incorporate some of it in our home. So here is her tradition in line with keeping the Sabbath day holy:

Each Sunday has a theme. Then her family spends that Sunday doing things centered around the theme. In her family they have chosen the following themes:

First Sunday = Fast and Testimony Sunday. They have a family fast and testimony meeting. I love this idea because Sabrina has started wanting to bear her testimony. This gives her the opportunity to bear her testimony without taking the valuable time in sacrament meeting. And I can also see how the testimony's of my children will grow over the years. It also gives a great opportunity to teach them what a real testimony is and how they can get it.

Second Sunday = Service Sunday. Mom and Dad set up or do visiting and home teaching appointments. The kids pick "secret service hearts" out of a hat with names of their siblings on them. Then they spend the day planning and doing the secret service they will do for that person during the week. I love this. Gets visiting teaching done early in the month and who doesn't love secret service pals?

Third Sunday = Family History Sunday. The family gathers to learn about an ancestor, a story about their parents or grandparents they don't know. For us it might include a visit to a grave. Then they take 10 minutes to write in their journal. I think knowing about your ancestors is vital. I am so glad my kids knew about my grandparents before Camille died. I had told them many stories about my grandmothers. It helped them understand her death better knowing that she was with Grandma Lucile. After all the wonderful stories I told them about how fun she was they knew she was in good hands.

Fourth Sunday = Missionary Sunday. This sunday they write letters to missionaries, hear a story about dad on his mission, or do a missionary minded activity. I think this would be easier with older kids. I haven't decided if I want to switch this out or not. I am open to ideas (missionary or other themes) for little kids on this sunday if anyone has any. 

Fifth Sunday = P.I.E. Sunday. Priesthood Interview for Everyone. This Sunday each kid has a one on one personal interview with Dad. Then after everyone is done they have a nice dessert together. I love this too. It puts a regular schedule on doing personal interviews. I think alone time with Dad is invaluable. Dad's are examples to young men and they give self esteem to young women. Your mom you expect to give time to you. You are her job (if she is a stay at home mom). But your dad, well it is just special when he takes time out to spend alone with you.

Lastly, my friend Karsen is in that ward. She has 4 girls all within months of mine. I so enjoyed watching her baby girl who was born within weeks of Camille. After Relief Society her little girl Emma let me carry her to nursery to pick up Lauren and Emma's sister Paige. When Lauren came out and saw me holding Emma she got a very serious look on her face.

"Why do you got that baby?" she asked.

"I am just holding her. Isn't she cute? She is the same age as Camille." I told Lauren.

Lauren still looked skeptical. "Is it a girl baby or a boy baby?" she asked. Emma has about as much hair as Camille would have had by now. 

"It is a girl baby." I told her. 

At this Lauren smiled and started jumping up and down in joy saying over and over "We bought a girl baby! We bought a girl baby!"

I hated having to tell her the baby was not ours but Paige's little sister. Her face was just so disappointed. But then Emma let Lauren give her a hug and Lauren felt better. And Lauren was thrilled to see Emma's face light up in smiles when Lauren played peek-a-boo with her. 

Oh if only it were so easy to get a child as to go to the store and buy one.

"Yes, I would like a potty trained 2 year old with no attitude and please make sure she is cute."

Surf's Up

The kids watching a huge pelican that flew right down to visit us. It was bigger than it seems in this photo and closer too.

Saturday was such a wonderful day. I had a teary time falling asleep the night before. Too much sorrow built up in the heart. It still happens about once a week. So Saturday was just the remedy I needed. 

We woke up to a foggy morning. This is quite a novelty for us know coming from Las Vegas. I love when the weather seems to mimic my moods. And a cool and humid fog was just the right atmosphere to fit the bill. 

After a wonderful breakfast of waffles by Elizabeth we organized and pack and headed to the beach. I had never been to this beach before but it is the perfect place to learn to surf. My girls swore they were not going near a surfboard. They only wanted to play in the sand. 

Here are Lauren and cousin Charby playing in the sand.

Sometimes I am amazed I am raising such girly girls. I grew up surrounded by 3 brothers. I could ride and jump a bike as well as any of the neighbor boys, I played football and soccer and tee ball with the boys and could do almost any trick they could on the trampoline. My girls have little to no interest in any of this. I try to get them to be a bit more sporty but they are -- how can I put this nicely -- "easily frightened."

So I wasn't sure how successful the surfing would be. At the beach, they watched their cousin Berk surf a few waves with his dad and then Annie said she would try. She just didn't want to get wet. I had to pick her up and carry her out to the surf board. But then well... you can see for yourself below.

Go ANNIE!

After Annie surfed, Sabrina thought she might try. This was the girl who swore to me she was not going to get on a surfboard. Here she is below on her first try with Uncle Morgan.

See that big smile? She loved it!

When the girls had had their fill, I decided I better show them their mom is not a wuss. So with a push in the right direction, here is my first ever attempt at surfing.

It was fun. I am glad I did it. Now I just need to work my arms out more so I can more easily paddle out. That was a workout on the arms.

The sun never did shine through the fog for more than a minute or two the whole time we were at the beach. I kept hoping it would burn off the clouds and warm us all up, but no such luck. Sometimes, the fog is harder to burn off than others. But there is a stillness and beauty in the fog too. It is cooling and soothing like being wrapped in a cool blanket. 

From the beach, we headed home, showered and changed and went to church to watch the Women's Conference broadcast from Salt Lake City. The world wide leaders of our church speak to us in these conferences that occur twice a year. This conference was the most amazing one I have ever heard. Perhaps it was more that I was more prepared to hear the talks. If you haven't heard it you should go watch it on the internet HERE. I loved Julie Beck's talk and Elder Uchtdorf's was simply inspiring. I could write a whole post just on the insight I got from this conference. Maybe another day.

After the conference my friend Kathryn and I headed to the Honda center in Anaheim for the So You Think You Can Dance tour. It was even better in person. Our seats were amazing. We were the second row from the floor and the stage was set at half court. The dancers were incredible. Will is just a work of art and his dance is a thing of beauty. They performed all the best dances from the season. Best of all I got to spend over 4 hours with a dear long time friend. It is so comforting to be in the presence of those who really really know you. Love you Kathryn! Thanks again!

What a great day Saturday was. Falling asleep that night with a cool comforting blanket of fog covering all the land was quick and easy.

Vacation

Last night as we drove down the Cajon Pass into Southern California and felt the humidity of the sea air fill our lungs, I remembered how much I love California. Jon and I spent our first seven married years here. We made many friends. We had three children.  We grew from college kids to mortgage holding, child rearing adults. I have a special fondness now for California.

We are visiting my two brothers and sister in laws here and also many friends. Tomorrow a one of my dear friends is taking me to the So You Think You Can Dance tour. (Thanks Kathryn!) I am excited to see the dancers and even a little more excited for some quality time with my old roommate and sweet friend.  We also get to celebrate my niece's birthday while we are here.

Last time we were here was the end of May. We celebrated Sabrina's birthday here. It was a wonderful trip. We went to Disneyland for two days. It was a wonderful trip filled with fun and smiles. I have great memories from that trip.

Camille did not come with us on that trip. She spent the weekend with grandparents. Grandma Waite wrote Camille a song that weekend. My parents enjoyed watching her climb up into the walker and sit her booty in it with her feet sticking up out the top by her head. She got to spend good alone time with her grandparents. We got to enjoy Disneyland without having to run back to the hotel for naps. 

A photo my parents took of Camille while they were tending her.

I didn't miss her. I didn't worry about her. I knew she was in good hands. Camille was an easy baby. She was happy with anyone. In fact when I dropped her off at Grandma Waite's I said to her, "Camille, are you ready to go play with Grandma for a while?" 

She then nodded her head way up and then slowly way down several times. She had just begun to answer yes and no questions by nodding or shaking her head.

This trip I do miss her. And even though I know she is in great hands, my heart still worries for her. I know that isn't logical, but I think it is common. We all feel it in this family. The kids often pray for Camille that she will not miss us as much as we miss her. I pray for her to be happy and successful in the work she is now doing. It helps me to be forward thinking.

I guess this trip is not too different from the last one. We are still a family of 6 even though only 5 of us are here. One of us is just at Home spending time with loving grandparents. 

Relative Age

This is not from last night. It is from a couple of months ago. But it is a cute one of a time I found Annie asleep one night on my bed.

Last night I came home late from a night with the girls at a friend's house. I went up to my bathroom and took my contacts out and brushed my teeth. In my bedroom I said my prayers, and then stood up to crawl in my bed. It was completely dark in the room except for the moonlight coming from one open window. 

In the moonlight, I could see my space in the bed. There lay a little girl wrapped up in the magic blanket, curled into a ball, and fast asleep. My poor eyesight kept me from being able to immediately discern who this was in my bed. I knew it had to be either Sabrina or Ann Marie. But, the first thought that entered my head when I saw her there was, "Oh, there I am."

After I picked Ann Marie up and put her in her own bed, I returned to my room and curled up in the magic blanket. I laid in my bed in wonder at how natural and easy that initial thought had been. 

Sometimes I feel 5 years old these days. I feel vulnerable and scared and in need of protection and love. I curl up in the magic blanket and lay by the strength of my husband to fall asleep. I ask my girls to give me extra hugs and love. They are like little mothers to me at times. Always I feel like a little child before the Lord. I am powerless yet trusting and ultimately loved.

Earlier that evening I got out of the shower and stood looking at myself with a towel wrapped around me. Jon was in the room and I said, "Do you ever feel like you are 80, like you have lived 50 years in the last three months?" 

"Yes," he replied, "and then some."

Sometimes I feel like an old woman these days. I feel tired and worn and I long for heaven. I see other people my age and feel so apart from the life I lived 4 months ago. I hear mothers longing for breaks from their children and I remember feeling that way four months ago. But now, well, I appreciate every minute with my children. They bring me joy through the sorrow. Like an old woman in a rest home, I continually want them to come sit and snuggle and talk with me. When they are asleep and at school I miss them.

Yet somehow my driver's license says I am still in my thirties. I wonder if or when I will ever feel my true age again.

To Write or Not to Write

I have been talking to a publisher about writing a book. I guess maybe the poll on the side bar may have hinted at that. By the way, if you read this on Google Reader, please come to the site and vote on the poll. I am trying to determine if I could sell enough books to make writing and investing in a book worth it. 

I have mixed feelings about writing a book about my experience. There is so much that I have not written on this blog about those early days. It was just too much to record all so quickly. I would like to have a record of it. Still, to write it I would have to go back there mentally. I would hope it would be cathartic. I am a little scared it would just be hard and not so helpful.

In any case this is something I will be thinking about and analyzing over the coming weeks. So please vote on my poll and BE HONEST. I think that will help me make up my mind.

Prayer Time

In response to one of the questions from last week, I will share some thoughts on prayer time as a mom. Julie asked what my prayer time was like, the when, the where, the how. She has 3 little ones and wonders how to work prayer in there.

Let's be realistic first. If at this stage in your life you wake up to crying baby sounds every morning, it is difficult to get that morning prayer in there. I really believe the Lord is understanding of the difficulties presented by the 24 hour job of motherhood especially of little ones. You just do the best you can, which is never going to be enough, and then you pray the Lord will forgive you for all you can't do and ask Him to make up for the rest.

Right now, I wake to silence. There has been ample time for prayer lately. And there has been ample need too. I wake up every morning and orient myself to my reality. I lay in bed thinking in circles. 

"I hate the silence. How can I do this? This is real. She is gone. There will be no cry any minute. Okay. I can do this. It is not as bad as it was at first. It took me almost 30 seconds after I woke up to remember today. I have to do this. I have three beautiful girls to raise. Yes. I have three wonderful beautiful girls. I am blessed. So blessed. I am so grateful for them. And I am grateful to have had Camille too. Geez, how I miss her. Yes, there is the silence. This is real. This is my life now. Keep focused Stephanie. Firm up your mind. Don't let it go back there. Don't think back to that day. Keep it in today. Today I need to get Sabrina up for school. Today I have bills to pay. I need to get up. Where is my waking cry?"

This ring of thought goes on for a few minutes. Then I finally roll out of bed and if it is early (before 7:30) I pray right then. If it is 7:30 or later I go climb in bed with Sabrina to wake her up so she can get ready for school. She is slow to wake. When she is alert, I challenge her to a race to dress, pray, make beds, and head downstairs. 

I then head to my closet. By the time I get my contacts in and get dressed, Sabrina is finished and heads downstairs for breakfast. Then I take a few minutes to pray in my closet and beg for strength to make it through the day.

I read scriptures to the girls while they eat breakfast and we say a family prayer whenever Jon can get a break and come out of the office to join us. 

At night, I pray just before crawling in bed. Everyone else is usually asleep. I am usually tired. But that is the time I need the prayers the most. Some nights I pray in my closet so I can cry without waking up Jon. On really bad nights, I go to Camille's room to pray. 

In the quiet stillness of the night, I can often feel the heavenly presence of ministering angels when I need them most. Last night, laying on the bed in Camille's room, holding her blanket and praying, they were there. Generations of women who knew my pain, who lived my pain in their own lives, filled the room. I felt them there with their daughters. Empathizing with my current pain and strengthening my faith and hope for the future.

How do I pray? I think the Lord hears and answers all prayers no matter how you pray, but this is how I pray. When possible, I kneel as a sign of humility and reverence. I close my eyes and bow my head. Then, I start with "Dear Heavenly Father." Then I thank Him for the blessings of my life. I speak out loud or think the words in my head depending on if I am alone. Next, I ask for the spiritual and temporal blessings I desire and I think will be in line with His will. Included in this part is asking both for forgiveness, grace, and the ability to forgive. I express my feelings to Him just as I would if He were right in front of me and we were having a conversation. I express my love and gratitude again, listening in my heart and mind for thoughts or impressions that are not mine. Then I close "in the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

I hope that answers your question Julie. We just pray when we can and keep a prayer always in our hearts. The Lord knows our limitations. When we need to pray the most, we find a way. Even if it means locking ourselves in the bathroom for our own "time out." Thank you again everyone for all your prayers. I feel their strength. 

Changes at Church

This weekend is our stake conference. Last stake conference our stake and another stake were split to create a third stake. That left our stake with very uneven wards. Some, like ours were bursting at the seems. Others were struggling to fill callings. So last night changes in boundaries were announced for every ward in our stake except one. 

The changes were drastic for our ward, and today I am sad. About 60% of our ward and a small section of another ward were made into a new ward. Another 25% of our ward was put into three other wards. That left our little community and one community next to us and some condos to be in our ward. To compensate for all the people lost, the stake has added a new section homes that are just around the mountain. 

We kept the same ward name and bishop. But have lost pretty much every other presidency. My kids will not have anyone left from their primary classes. I teach the 14 and 15 year old girls. We have lost all the other leaders in the young women's and all the 14 and 15 year old girls. 

Even though the name of the ward and the bishop is the same, this is going to feel more like a "new" ward than the new ward across the street. I am sad to be in a different ward from so many many wonderful friends. While I am sure I will stay friends with many of them, it just is different when you don't see each other on Sundays.

As for all the new people to meet, normally, I would be very excited about this. I am a people person. I love meeting new people. In college I moved almost every semester so I could meet new people and have new roommates to love. I still keep in touch with many of my former roommates. 

But my life is not totally normal anymore, and I am not fully normal again yet. We are not even fully to that "new" normal yet. Meeting new people right now often means dropping the bomb on them. It is really one of the dreaded moments for us, when we have to inform someone about the fact that we actually do have one more child and she recently passed away. It makes for a very awkward moment. They don't know what to say and neither do we after such a devastating disclosure. 

Life is full of changes and many of them make us sad and uncomfortable. But they always make us grow. I do look forward to the growth if not the growing pains.

Simple Gifts

My wife is at "Time out for Women" today and asked me to write for her. I don't have a lot to say today. I have been experimenting with various methods today on how to motivate your children to cleap up. So far, I have had limited success. I guess I've had a couple things on my mind lately, so I'll share.


1. Heavenly Sent Carpet Cleaner

In cleaning the house, I am reminded of a gem of a carpet cleaner I stumbled upon in the grocery store. One day in search of a decent carpet cleaner and being the penny pincher I am I picked up what I thought was a generic brand cleaner due to the boring label on the cleaner. Turns out, this cleaner is AMAZING and I guess it's not a generic.

Spray and wipe--that simple. It's called Folex Instant Carpet Spot Remover. Anyhow, I challenge anyone to find a better carpet cleaner. Or at the least compare this one to the one you have. They should be paying me to babble on and on about how good this thing is. But hey, the thing works and most carpet cleaners don't. So there.

2. Heavenly Sent Wife

I would just like to say how awesome Stephanie is. I know, how trite is it for spouses to wax on and on about how wonderful their significant other is?? Well, it might be trite for the reader but too bad. I haven't really said much on the subject so here goes: My wife is as wonderful as she seems in her comments. She inherited two wonderful traits from her father: 1) a big heart and 2) not easily offended. Both of these traits have been necessary in tolerating her husband. From the posts, you might think she is an emotional wreck. She is not. She is human and grieves but is not as emotionally unstable as many women I have met in my time. While at times I have to lift her up emotionally, she does the same for me. That's part of any healthy relationship. Another of her talents is the tenacity to get the job done. When she puts her mind to anything, she gives her all, doesn't cut corners and does a fantastic job. I suppose she inherited that trait from her mother, who is always super prepared whenever asked to do a task. These are just a few things I thought I'd put down and there are many others. Perhaps I'll bore you later with more details?? I know what I do when reading others' ravings about their spouse, I just skip over it. That's OK, I'm just putting it down for posterity's sake.


3. Heavenly Sent Daughters

How crazy is it that I was entrusted with raising, crafting, molding one of Heaven's souls? Sometimes I think it is too much trust God places in me. Think about how many ills and woes are caused in this world simply by poor parenting. I'm not trying to sober you up here, just marvelling at the simple idea of it. At the same time, there is a lot of teaching that comes the other way. My daughters are wonderful in their own right and their simple love helps me to remember what is most important. They help to keep me on the straight and narrow. My wife asked me to blog a couple times, I believe, for a little comic relief. While I'm probably not that terribly funny in real life, IMHO (I'm getting used to this InternetSpeak) I think I write better than I speak. Therefore, I might have given you the erroneous impression that I'm funny. Sorry about that. So on a serious note, I thought I'd write a little about Camille. I kind of wonder what keeps my wife writing every day about her. I know that part of it is to keep a record of her. Another part is to keep her alive through daily ruminations. But also, we all grieve in different ways. I miss my daughter terribly. Every morning, my wife would stick her head in the door and the giggles of anticipation and the smile on her little face would absolutely brighten up my day. I miss that most of all. However, I tend to avoid the pain. I do not want to forget her, but at the same time I do not want to feel that DEEP pain that accompanies the intimate, loving thoughts of her. I guess every now and then is good and even healthy but I just could not do it every day. I also have three lovely, wonderful daughters that require my attention (they tell me every 5 minutes, actually).


4. Heavenly Sent Savior

Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool. (Isaiah 1:18)

Well, I guess to tie up my random thoughts and in preparation for tomorrow, it's important to give praise and honor to our Savior. He has made eternal, true joy possible. Just like that wonderful carpet cleaner I put to use today, may we use his perfectly potent atonement in washing away our pain/sorrow/sins.

Grocery Store

Today I went grocery shopping. I filled my basket to the brim with ingredients to prepare the culinary delights that lazily came to mind as I strolled down each aisle. All the makings for a great sandwich, a taco night dinner, snacks for kids, snacks for me, another attempt at perfecting my crab and shrimp wantons, pesto for the pea pine nut pasta salad. Finally when there was no more room in my cart, I headed to the check out lane.

I piled the groceries onto the conveyer belt and made pleasant small talk with the checker. She was a kind lady. She saw some items that I did not have coupons for and pulled coupons from under her desk to let me use. I appreciated her friendly familiar demeanor. 

I was anxious to get home to eat. I was hungry. It seemed to take forever to get all my goods on the belt. I have about 20 yogurts. That means lots of back and forth bending to get them up to the checker. I make sure I put the bread and chips up last so they don't get squished. I try to put the refrigerated things near each other in hopes they will be in the same bag and make unpacking easier. I am focused on the task of my hands. Finally my cart is empty.

I went to my wallet to pull out my club card for the store and my credit card. It took me a little while to find the club card in the middle of all those pieces of plastic. I had to pull them all out to thumb through them to find it. All the while, I am making small talk with the checker. 

Out of the corner of my mind, I remember doing this same thing for the first time after Camille died-grocery shopping. Back then my every thought was of my loss. I wondered how the checker could not know my story by just looking at my face. I felt like a walking ghost, interacting with the living, but not a part of their world. 

Every aisle was a reminder of something I didn't need to buy anymore. Every face was that of someone who didn't understand that I had a whole right through my center. Every moment of conversation was tainted with the fear of someone mentioning my children and bringing the tears pouring inside to the surface. 

This morning, I remembered all of that and thought, "Wow, I haven't once thought while this checker is chatting with me about how she doesn't know what has happened. I haven't once marveled that life seems so normal to her."

Maybe life is getting a little more "normal" for me.

How to Treat a Friend Who Has Suffered a Loss -- Part 3

I have had some requests for an updated post on this subject. And being three months down the road of grief, the road is different here. My needs are different here. I have been hesitant to put down in writing how to treat someone a little further out because I am not sure what the right answers are. I am not sure there even are "right" answers. I am not always sure how I want people to treat me. You can see how confusing this subject can be.

But, once again, I will try to stick to things I think are generally universally appreciated and then let you know about the things that are more specific to me.

We are now at the point where the mail is full of bills and junk once again. Our loss is not the subject of every conversation we have. The weight of the grief is not as constant as it was in the beginning. We are stronger in our bearing of it than we were.

Still there are waves of grief that come over us with great intensity. They are far less frequent but they still come in unexpected moments. These waves can seem even more intense than those waves did in the early days. And when they do come, we suffer them more privately than we did before.

No one can anticipate these waves. Only the Lord knows when they will hit. So for the woman who wanted to know what to do for a person she visit teaches or a close friend, live worthy of and follow the promptings of the Spirit. Pray for this friend and when you pray for her ask if there is anything you can do that she needs that day. This is probably the only universally right answer for what to do for someone who has suffered a loss. 

At this point in the road, I don't want to talk about my loss in every conversation. I also don't want to feel I can't talk about Camille. I love talking about Camille. I am less interested in talking about the loss of her. So it really takes listening to the Spirit to determine if today is that day your friend needs something done for her.

So let's say you feel it is a day she needs something. Now what to do? Again this probably varies greatly depending on the person. I do think there are some pretty safe things you can do that will be fairly universally appreciated.

First, show or express love. If you are going to see her that day, reach out and give her a hug. I have one friend who has given me a tight quick hug every time I have seen her since the accident. It always makes me feel better. If you don't have plans to see her, drop her an email or text, or flowers, or a card that just says, "I was thinking about you today and wanted to let you know that I love you and I still pray for you." You don't need to bring up the loss. Just express love and support. These little love notes can be so helpful on those days we feel swept away by a wave of grief.

Second, I have found it very difficult to deal with all this extra time I have. I have little motivation to get out and fill it with classes or jobs or whatever. I still have Lauren to tend all day. But tending a 3 year old is much less work than tending a 1 year old. I don't want to feel committed to being somewhere everyday to fill the extra time. Somedays, I still need a little time to myself. But I wish I had more spontaneous beneficial time fillers.

So, call your friend up and ask her to go out to lunch, go on a walk, or to a movie. Even better, ask her to serve. Serving brings blessings and it makes us feel good. We need to be sensitive to the type of service we ask our friend to do. You don't want to ask a person who lost a baby to come babysit your kids unless you know her REALLY well and she has told you she wants to do that. For many grieving mothers, it is hard to be around kids the age of the kids they lost.

Still asking the grieving mother to make a meal for someone or to visit the elderly or to make humanitarian kits is a great way to give her opportunities for service. And if she doesn't want to do it, give her a way to say "Thanks, but no. I am not up for that today."

That is about it for my tips on what you can do for someone at this point on the road. I haven't hit any big anniversaries yet like a birthday or holiday. I am sure those will take some extra love and support to get through. I hope this helps for now. 

Writing a Book

All day yesterday, when I would ask Annie to do something she would respond with, "Mom, I can't right now. I am writing my book and I am right in the middle of a page. I need to finish." She decided to write her own book. 

Last night she finished it. She brought it to me and read it to me. I would like to share it. It is her way of working through her emotions about Camille's death. And I think the ending is encouraging and very wise.

I kept her original spelling. She is only five and just started kindergarten this month. So I have translated in italics in case you can't figure out what she meant. She drew pictures of each of scene which I will describe also in italics. She made this book entirely on her own and without any input or ideas or encouragement from me. I think she is wonderful.

When Meells Diede

When Meelies Died

by Annie

This is when meeles diede.

This is when Meelies died. A picture of Meelies in the spa face down and Annie and Daddy next to the spa with frowny faces.

This is when the polees came.

This is when the police came. A picture of our house, the driveway, the street and the police car on the street.

This is us white Kaite.

This is us with Kaitie. A picture of my friend Kaitie who was staying with us that day in the playroom with the girls. 

 

This is us in the car white Akite.

This is us in the car with Kaitie. After I left for the hospital, Kaitie took the girls out. The picture is all of them sitting in the car.

This is us at the store.

They went to McDonald's for dinner. A picture of all of them at McDonald's.

This is us back at the hawos dansing.

This is us back at the house dancing. A picture of the girls in the playroom dancing with Kaitie.

We wr sad she whos gon.

We were sad she was gone. A picture of the three girls with frowning faces.

But we stil like uor famly.

But we still like our family. A picture of the three girls smiling.

But we stil love Hvnel Fotheer.

But we still love Heavenly Father. A picture of clouds with hearts in the clouds and Heavenly Father in the clouds smiling. See photo of that picture below.