To Write or Not to Write

I have been talking to a publisher about writing a book. I guess maybe the poll on the side bar may have hinted at that. By the way, if you read this on Google Reader, please come to the site and vote on the poll. I am trying to determine if I could sell enough books to make writing and investing in a book worth it. 

I have mixed feelings about writing a book about my experience. There is so much that I have not written on this blog about those early days. It was just too much to record all so quickly. I would like to have a record of it. Still, to write it I would have to go back there mentally. I would hope it would be cathartic. I am a little scared it would just be hard and not so helpful.

In any case this is something I will be thinking about and analyzing over the coming weeks. So please vote on my poll and BE HONEST. I think that will help me make up my mind.

Prayer Time

In response to one of the questions from last week, I will share some thoughts on prayer time as a mom. Julie asked what my prayer time was like, the when, the where, the how. She has 3 little ones and wonders how to work prayer in there.

Let's be realistic first. If at this stage in your life you wake up to crying baby sounds every morning, it is difficult to get that morning prayer in there. I really believe the Lord is understanding of the difficulties presented by the 24 hour job of motherhood especially of little ones. You just do the best you can, which is never going to be enough, and then you pray the Lord will forgive you for all you can't do and ask Him to make up for the rest.

Right now, I wake to silence. There has been ample time for prayer lately. And there has been ample need too. I wake up every morning and orient myself to my reality. I lay in bed thinking in circles. 

"I hate the silence. How can I do this? This is real. She is gone. There will be no cry any minute. Okay. I can do this. It is not as bad as it was at first. It took me almost 30 seconds after I woke up to remember today. I have to do this. I have three beautiful girls to raise. Yes. I have three wonderful beautiful girls. I am blessed. So blessed. I am so grateful for them. And I am grateful to have had Camille too. Geez, how I miss her. Yes, there is the silence. This is real. This is my life now. Keep focused Stephanie. Firm up your mind. Don't let it go back there. Don't think back to that day. Keep it in today. Today I need to get Sabrina up for school. Today I have bills to pay. I need to get up. Where is my waking cry?"

This ring of thought goes on for a few minutes. Then I finally roll out of bed and if it is early (before 7:30) I pray right then. If it is 7:30 or later I go climb in bed with Sabrina to wake her up so she can get ready for school. She is slow to wake. When she is alert, I challenge her to a race to dress, pray, make beds, and head downstairs. 

I then head to my closet. By the time I get my contacts in and get dressed, Sabrina is finished and heads downstairs for breakfast. Then I take a few minutes to pray in my closet and beg for strength to make it through the day.

I read scriptures to the girls while they eat breakfast and we say a family prayer whenever Jon can get a break and come out of the office to join us. 

At night, I pray just before crawling in bed. Everyone else is usually asleep. I am usually tired. But that is the time I need the prayers the most. Some nights I pray in my closet so I can cry without waking up Jon. On really bad nights, I go to Camille's room to pray. 

In the quiet stillness of the night, I can often feel the heavenly presence of ministering angels when I need them most. Last night, laying on the bed in Camille's room, holding her blanket and praying, they were there. Generations of women who knew my pain, who lived my pain in their own lives, filled the room. I felt them there with their daughters. Empathizing with my current pain and strengthening my faith and hope for the future.

How do I pray? I think the Lord hears and answers all prayers no matter how you pray, but this is how I pray. When possible, I kneel as a sign of humility and reverence. I close my eyes and bow my head. Then, I start with "Dear Heavenly Father." Then I thank Him for the blessings of my life. I speak out loud or think the words in my head depending on if I am alone. Next, I ask for the spiritual and temporal blessings I desire and I think will be in line with His will. Included in this part is asking both for forgiveness, grace, and the ability to forgive. I express my feelings to Him just as I would if He were right in front of me and we were having a conversation. I express my love and gratitude again, listening in my heart and mind for thoughts or impressions that are not mine. Then I close "in the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

I hope that answers your question Julie. We just pray when we can and keep a prayer always in our hearts. The Lord knows our limitations. When we need to pray the most, we find a way. Even if it means locking ourselves in the bathroom for our own "time out." Thank you again everyone for all your prayers. I feel their strength. 

Changes at Church

This weekend is our stake conference. Last stake conference our stake and another stake were split to create a third stake. That left our stake with very uneven wards. Some, like ours were bursting at the seems. Others were struggling to fill callings. So last night changes in boundaries were announced for every ward in our stake except one. 

The changes were drastic for our ward, and today I am sad. About 60% of our ward and a small section of another ward were made into a new ward. Another 25% of our ward was put into three other wards. That left our little community and one community next to us and some condos to be in our ward. To compensate for all the people lost, the stake has added a new section homes that are just around the mountain. 

We kept the same ward name and bishop. But have lost pretty much every other presidency. My kids will not have anyone left from their primary classes. I teach the 14 and 15 year old girls. We have lost all the other leaders in the young women's and all the 14 and 15 year old girls. 

Even though the name of the ward and the bishop is the same, this is going to feel more like a "new" ward than the new ward across the street. I am sad to be in a different ward from so many many wonderful friends. While I am sure I will stay friends with many of them, it just is different when you don't see each other on Sundays.

As for all the new people to meet, normally, I would be very excited about this. I am a people person. I love meeting new people. In college I moved almost every semester so I could meet new people and have new roommates to love. I still keep in touch with many of my former roommates. 

But my life is not totally normal anymore, and I am not fully normal again yet. We are not even fully to that "new" normal yet. Meeting new people right now often means dropping the bomb on them. It is really one of the dreaded moments for us, when we have to inform someone about the fact that we actually do have one more child and she recently passed away. It makes for a very awkward moment. They don't know what to say and neither do we after such a devastating disclosure. 

Life is full of changes and many of them make us sad and uncomfortable. But they always make us grow. I do look forward to the growth if not the growing pains.

Simple Gifts

My wife is at "Time out for Women" today and asked me to write for her. I don't have a lot to say today. I have been experimenting with various methods today on how to motivate your children to cleap up. So far, I have had limited success. I guess I've had a couple things on my mind lately, so I'll share.


1. Heavenly Sent Carpet Cleaner

In cleaning the house, I am reminded of a gem of a carpet cleaner I stumbled upon in the grocery store. One day in search of a decent carpet cleaner and being the penny pincher I am I picked up what I thought was a generic brand cleaner due to the boring label on the cleaner. Turns out, this cleaner is AMAZING and I guess it's not a generic.

Spray and wipe--that simple. It's called Folex Instant Carpet Spot Remover. Anyhow, I challenge anyone to find a better carpet cleaner. Or at the least compare this one to the one you have. They should be paying me to babble on and on about how good this thing is. But hey, the thing works and most carpet cleaners don't. So there.

2. Heavenly Sent Wife

I would just like to say how awesome Stephanie is. I know, how trite is it for spouses to wax on and on about how wonderful their significant other is?? Well, it might be trite for the reader but too bad. I haven't really said much on the subject so here goes: My wife is as wonderful as she seems in her comments. She inherited two wonderful traits from her father: 1) a big heart and 2) not easily offended. Both of these traits have been necessary in tolerating her husband. From the posts, you might think she is an emotional wreck. She is not. She is human and grieves but is not as emotionally unstable as many women I have met in my time. While at times I have to lift her up emotionally, she does the same for me. That's part of any healthy relationship. Another of her talents is the tenacity to get the job done. When she puts her mind to anything, she gives her all, doesn't cut corners and does a fantastic job. I suppose she inherited that trait from her mother, who is always super prepared whenever asked to do a task. These are just a few things I thought I'd put down and there are many others. Perhaps I'll bore you later with more details?? I know what I do when reading others' ravings about their spouse, I just skip over it. That's OK, I'm just putting it down for posterity's sake.


3. Heavenly Sent Daughters

How crazy is it that I was entrusted with raising, crafting, molding one of Heaven's souls? Sometimes I think it is too much trust God places in me. Think about how many ills and woes are caused in this world simply by poor parenting. I'm not trying to sober you up here, just marvelling at the simple idea of it. At the same time, there is a lot of teaching that comes the other way. My daughters are wonderful in their own right and their simple love helps me to remember what is most important. They help to keep me on the straight and narrow. My wife asked me to blog a couple times, I believe, for a little comic relief. While I'm probably not that terribly funny in real life, IMHO (I'm getting used to this InternetSpeak) I think I write better than I speak. Therefore, I might have given you the erroneous impression that I'm funny. Sorry about that. So on a serious note, I thought I'd write a little about Camille. I kind of wonder what keeps my wife writing every day about her. I know that part of it is to keep a record of her. Another part is to keep her alive through daily ruminations. But also, we all grieve in different ways. I miss my daughter terribly. Every morning, my wife would stick her head in the door and the giggles of anticipation and the smile on her little face would absolutely brighten up my day. I miss that most of all. However, I tend to avoid the pain. I do not want to forget her, but at the same time I do not want to feel that DEEP pain that accompanies the intimate, loving thoughts of her. I guess every now and then is good and even healthy but I just could not do it every day. I also have three lovely, wonderful daughters that require my attention (they tell me every 5 minutes, actually).


4. Heavenly Sent Savior

Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool. (Isaiah 1:18)

Well, I guess to tie up my random thoughts and in preparation for tomorrow, it's important to give praise and honor to our Savior. He has made eternal, true joy possible. Just like that wonderful carpet cleaner I put to use today, may we use his perfectly potent atonement in washing away our pain/sorrow/sins.

Grocery Store

Today I went grocery shopping. I filled my basket to the brim with ingredients to prepare the culinary delights that lazily came to mind as I strolled down each aisle. All the makings for a great sandwich, a taco night dinner, snacks for kids, snacks for me, another attempt at perfecting my crab and shrimp wantons, pesto for the pea pine nut pasta salad. Finally when there was no more room in my cart, I headed to the check out lane.

I piled the groceries onto the conveyer belt and made pleasant small talk with the checker. She was a kind lady. She saw some items that I did not have coupons for and pulled coupons from under her desk to let me use. I appreciated her friendly familiar demeanor. 

I was anxious to get home to eat. I was hungry. It seemed to take forever to get all my goods on the belt. I have about 20 yogurts. That means lots of back and forth bending to get them up to the checker. I make sure I put the bread and chips up last so they don't get squished. I try to put the refrigerated things near each other in hopes they will be in the same bag and make unpacking easier. I am focused on the task of my hands. Finally my cart is empty.

I went to my wallet to pull out my club card for the store and my credit card. It took me a little while to find the club card in the middle of all those pieces of plastic. I had to pull them all out to thumb through them to find it. All the while, I am making small talk with the checker. 

Out of the corner of my mind, I remember doing this same thing for the first time after Camille died-grocery shopping. Back then my every thought was of my loss. I wondered how the checker could not know my story by just looking at my face. I felt like a walking ghost, interacting with the living, but not a part of their world. 

Every aisle was a reminder of something I didn't need to buy anymore. Every face was that of someone who didn't understand that I had a whole right through my center. Every moment of conversation was tainted with the fear of someone mentioning my children and bringing the tears pouring inside to the surface. 

This morning, I remembered all of that and thought, "Wow, I haven't once thought while this checker is chatting with me about how she doesn't know what has happened. I haven't once marveled that life seems so normal to her."

Maybe life is getting a little more "normal" for me.

How to Treat a Friend Who Has Suffered a Loss -- Part 3

I have had some requests for an updated post on this subject. And being three months down the road of grief, the road is different here. My needs are different here. I have been hesitant to put down in writing how to treat someone a little further out because I am not sure what the right answers are. I am not sure there even are "right" answers. I am not always sure how I want people to treat me. You can see how confusing this subject can be.

But, once again, I will try to stick to things I think are generally universally appreciated and then let you know about the things that are more specific to me.

We are now at the point where the mail is full of bills and junk once again. Our loss is not the subject of every conversation we have. The weight of the grief is not as constant as it was in the beginning. We are stronger in our bearing of it than we were.

Still there are waves of grief that come over us with great intensity. They are far less frequent but they still come in unexpected moments. These waves can seem even more intense than those waves did in the early days. And when they do come, we suffer them more privately than we did before.

No one can anticipate these waves. Only the Lord knows when they will hit. So for the woman who wanted to know what to do for a person she visit teaches or a close friend, live worthy of and follow the promptings of the Spirit. Pray for this friend and when you pray for her ask if there is anything you can do that she needs that day. This is probably the only universally right answer for what to do for someone who has suffered a loss. 

At this point in the road, I don't want to talk about my loss in every conversation. I also don't want to feel I can't talk about Camille. I love talking about Camille. I am less interested in talking about the loss of her. So it really takes listening to the Spirit to determine if today is that day your friend needs something done for her.

So let's say you feel it is a day she needs something. Now what to do? Again this probably varies greatly depending on the person. I do think there are some pretty safe things you can do that will be fairly universally appreciated.

First, show or express love. If you are going to see her that day, reach out and give her a hug. I have one friend who has given me a tight quick hug every time I have seen her since the accident. It always makes me feel better. If you don't have plans to see her, drop her an email or text, or flowers, or a card that just says, "I was thinking about you today and wanted to let you know that I love you and I still pray for you." You don't need to bring up the loss. Just express love and support. These little love notes can be so helpful on those days we feel swept away by a wave of grief.

Second, I have found it very difficult to deal with all this extra time I have. I have little motivation to get out and fill it with classes or jobs or whatever. I still have Lauren to tend all day. But tending a 3 year old is much less work than tending a 1 year old. I don't want to feel committed to being somewhere everyday to fill the extra time. Somedays, I still need a little time to myself. But I wish I had more spontaneous beneficial time fillers.

So, call your friend up and ask her to go out to lunch, go on a walk, or to a movie. Even better, ask her to serve. Serving brings blessings and it makes us feel good. We need to be sensitive to the type of service we ask our friend to do. You don't want to ask a person who lost a baby to come babysit your kids unless you know her REALLY well and she has told you she wants to do that. For many grieving mothers, it is hard to be around kids the age of the kids they lost.

Still asking the grieving mother to make a meal for someone or to visit the elderly or to make humanitarian kits is a great way to give her opportunities for service. And if she doesn't want to do it, give her a way to say "Thanks, but no. I am not up for that today."

That is about it for my tips on what you can do for someone at this point on the road. I haven't hit any big anniversaries yet like a birthday or holiday. I am sure those will take some extra love and support to get through. I hope this helps for now. 

Writing a Book

All day yesterday, when I would ask Annie to do something she would respond with, "Mom, I can't right now. I am writing my book and I am right in the middle of a page. I need to finish." She decided to write her own book. 

Last night she finished it. She brought it to me and read it to me. I would like to share it. It is her way of working through her emotions about Camille's death. And I think the ending is encouraging and very wise.

I kept her original spelling. She is only five and just started kindergarten this month. So I have translated in italics in case you can't figure out what she meant. She drew pictures of each of scene which I will describe also in italics. She made this book entirely on her own and without any input or ideas or encouragement from me. I think she is wonderful.

When Meells Diede

When Meelies Died

by Annie

This is when meeles diede.

This is when Meelies died. A picture of Meelies in the spa face down and Annie and Daddy next to the spa with frowny faces.

This is when the polees came.

This is when the police came. A picture of our house, the driveway, the street and the police car on the street.

This is us white Kaite.

This is us with Kaitie. A picture of my friend Kaitie who was staying with us that day in the playroom with the girls. 

 

This is us in the car white Akite.

This is us in the car with Kaitie. After I left for the hospital, Kaitie took the girls out. The picture is all of them sitting in the car.

This is us at the store.

They went to McDonald's for dinner. A picture of all of them at McDonald's.

This is us back at the hawos dansing.

This is us back at the house dancing. A picture of the girls in the playroom dancing with Kaitie.

We wr sad she whos gon.

We were sad she was gone. A picture of the three girls with frowning faces.

But we stil like uor famly.

But we still like our family. A picture of the three girls smiling.

But we stil love Hvnel Fotheer.

But we still love Heavenly Father. A picture of clouds with hearts in the clouds and Heavenly Father in the clouds smiling. See photo of that picture below.

My Answers

Well, I was planning on only answering one question this week. But there are more than one that I feel need to be addressed. So, I will get to as many as I can tonight and if I don't hit yours today, I still may get to it in the future. Some of those questions deserve their own post.

Question: To the woman who recently went through the temple and is having marital problems and feels she has no one to whom she can talk. What would I do in your shoes? 

My Answer: First, I think you should know that you can go to your bishop to discuss options. He is there to help you. You can always go to him for the spiritual and temporal guidance you need. Second and very important, in your comment you said your husband has begun to "hurt" you. Now there are lots of ways to be hurt. If you were referring to physical hurt, I would call my bishop, pack up my kids and get out. Another reader put up a hotline number. That is a great resource. I do not treat divorce lightly. I think there are very few reasons that people SHOULD get divorced. Physical abuse is definitely one of them. If you are being physically abused you should not stay in the relationship especially if you have children. It not only puts them at risk of being hurt by your spouse but it teaches them that such treatment is acceptable and it is not. 

If by "hurt" you meant your feelings are being hurt, I would read the book "The Peacegiver" by James Ferrell. It helped me to overcome bad feelings from a hurtful relationship I had. Again I would talk to my bishop if I needed more help, which it sounded like you did. Then you can lay the whole thing out to him and get more sound advice than from someone like me who only knows your situation from a few sentences in a comment. May the Lord bless and guide you.

Next question -- Have I thought about having another baby? Thanks for the worry **tif**. I know for some this is a very personal question but I am pretty open about such things so I was not offended in the least by the question.  

My Answer: I have always wanted about 6 kids. Immediately following Camille's accident when I was still struggling with the "how could I have let this happen" question, I thought perhaps I would never have more children. I hate to admit I felt that way but I am just being real here. But, I came to realize rather quickly that those thoughts were not from the Lord. As I realized that it was the Lord's will that Camille return home and as I became more sure of my feelings that it was her time and drowning was only the means, my feelings changed. I also talked to other moms who have lost children and had babies after who said it was a great healing event for them. 

By the time Jon and I left the hospital we were more baby hungry than we had ever been. It wasn't that we were anxious to replace Camille. That is not possible. But, babies bring so much joy to a home and we need that kind of joy. I am still not sure of the timing, however. I am nervous about introducing pregnancy hormones into my life when I am so emotionally unstable as it is. Ultimately, I trust the Lord and that He will make it happen when it will be right for our family. And to the person directing me to Molly and Vic, we are friends and talk a few times a week on the computer. Thanks.

Question: Did I have premonitions/promptings? 

My Answer: No more than I have had with each of my other kids. I did have that dream the night before but didn't remember it till I saw her in the spa. That day I had not a single prompting. It was as if there were radio silence from heaven. I think it is natural to worry about something happening to your kids. But whether it is simply worry or a premonition, well that is just impossible to know unless the Spirit is pretty explicit. 

In Camille's baby blessing, it was stated that she would have a "special circumstance" to go through in her life. I remember thinking, "hmm that didn't sound good." I asked Jon about it after and he said he wasn't sure what it was just that there was something she was going to have to go through. I remembered that and often held her a little longer before putting her down just at the thought of her getting hurt in some way. But, I never thought I would lose her so soon. No, that was no where in my realm of possibilities.

Question: Can God's will be changed by prayer?

My Answer: No. But people can be healed by prayers. We do not pray to change God's will. Even the Savior in the Garden did not do that. We pray to discover God's will, and align our will with His. 

So then if God is just going to do His will no matter what, why pray? No one asked that but it is the natural leading question. Prayers do have power. The prayer of faith has power to heal if it is not contrary to God's will. The key word there is "contrary." For some things the Lord has his will set. For Camille, I believe it was His will for her to return home. I felt that. Even in trying to pray with faith, I had a hard time having faith that she WOULD be healed because I did not feel the confirming Spirit that it was God's will for that to happen. I feel there was faith sufficient in all the prayers for her that she would have been healed had it not been her time to go.

Let me give another example. There was a time my freshman year of college when I got sick. I have asthma and an attack I had turned into pneumonia.  My roommates asked if I wanted a blessing. I said no. I figured why would it be God's will to heal me? I didn't think I had the faith necessary for such a miracle. I determined I would just stick it out and get better the old fashioned way -- by suffering through it. Two days later my roommates returned home from church to find me in the fetal position on the bathroom floor. I had been dry heaving and coughing for hours. They took matters into their own hands and called our home teachers whether I liked it or not. As I waiting for them to arrive. I did some serious soul searching and praying. I wanted to be healed. I did not feel it was God's will that I needed to suffer this sickness but I was unsure I had the faith to make the miracle happen. So I prayed. I prayed for faith sufficient to heal. The home teachers arrived. My roommate said a prayer and the Spirit filled the room. My home teachers gave me a blessing and immediately I felt hungry and the nausea was gone. I went to the doctors the next day and there were no signs of the pneumonia they had diagnosed 3 days earlier. I was healed. 

The moral of the story is, if I hadn't prayed and gotten that blessing I am sure the Lord would not have healed me. My healing was not contrary to His will but it was also not essential to His will.  I think there are LOTS of blessings waiting for us that are only dependent upon our asking for them in faith. 

In a case of life or death, there is scripture HERE on the point. Note verses 43-52 especially 48. It basically says that those who are appointed to die will not be healed but those not appointed to die can go either way depending on prayers of faith. 

This has gotten to be a lengthy post. I will end with a few quick answers.

Breaking Dawn was entertaining but ultimately a let down for me. I needed more sacrifice. It ended too pretty to me. I wanted a good fight.

I am glad Josh won SYTYCD. I liked him and thought he danced well. I am still ticked that Will was voted off though.

Shanan, ANYTIME!

Uncle Aaron is super cute? TRUE

And Catherine: Red, Mint Choc. Chip Baskin Robbins Ice Cream, superman, don't have one, my jeans, Hawaii, lemon tart at Bouchon, rear view camera, These Is My Words by Nancy Turner, my bed. I am going there now. 

Good night!

Wrong Number

I have been feeling the weight of sorrow on my chest tonight. Jon has been doing his best to pull me out of the funk but some nights a girl just needs a good cry. Tonight may be one of those nights. 

I taught the young women in church today. The subject was the worth of souls. In one section it was suggested I have a young mother with a baby come tell about her love for her baby and the worth of her child to her. Instead I talked about my girls, why I have flowers for them, and what each flower means. I talked about how I love each of them differently but equally. Most of all, I tried to convey to the girls how much each child individually means to a parent. 

Many times when I speak, especially to the young women, I am able to hold it together. Today was not one of those days. It was not the easiest lesson to give for that reason, but I think the girls felt the love and got the point. 

We also just received the DVD with all the video we have of Camille. My brother in law Aaron and his wife Carolyn made it for us. We watched it today. It is wonderfully done. Still, it is pitiful how little video we have of just Camille. It is the curse of being the fourth kid. Parents don't video you turning over or making cute noises so much if you are fourth. Most of the clips only have Camille in the background. There are only two with her as the star. Her birthday party is one and she seems overwhelmed through most of it. The other is her climbing into the cup drawer. It is priceless to me.

Watching the video I was so sad to realize we do not have her laugh recorded. I miss her laugh. I can hardly remember it now. That just kills me.

Then to top the night off, as we were playing Clue as a family tonight I got a phone call. The person on the other end asked "Is Cami there?" 

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"Is Cami there?" she repeated.

Inside I was thinking, "Yes, there is a Cami here. Or there was. There should be." Instead I had to reply, "I think you have the wrong number." It shouldn't be a wrong number if they ask for Cami, but it is now. Yes, sometimes reality sneaks up and bites.

Enough of this downer day. I am off to bed. I will leave you with one of my favorite poems for dark and dreary days.

The Rainy Day

by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;

It rains, and the wind is never weary;

The vine still clings to the moldering wall,

But at every gust the dead leaves fall,

And the day is dark and dreary.

My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;

It rains, and the wind is never weary;

My thoughts still cling to the moldering Past,

But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast

And the days are dark and dreary.

Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;

Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;

Thy fate is the common fate of all,

Into each life some rain must fall,

Some days must be dark and dreary.

Questions?

Uncle Aaron teaching Jon and Camille how to solve a Rubik's Cube. 

I love the concentrating face Camille has in this photo.

I am thinking of doing a once a week post to respond to questions posed in comments. I have done this a few times like yesterday. But as questions are not regularly posted in comments, it has not been a regular feature. 

So I would like to gauge the interest in a once a week post to answer or at least give you my thoughts on your questions or subjects of interest.

So if you have been lurking this blog and there has been something you have wondered or wanted to ask but felt uncomfortable asking, here is your chance. This is an official call for questions. 

I will tell you I am fairly unoffendable. I will not promise to answer every question. If I don't feel comfortable with the question I won't respond to it. But it probably won't offend me that you asked it. 

I only ask that everyone avoid asking more details than I have already disclosed about the actual events that led to Camille's accident. I just can't relive those again by discussing them and I have reasons for keeping them private. 

Also, the questions can be on subjects I have not previously addressed in my posts. And I am sure my husband would be willing to guest post an answer if there is a question out there for him or that he is better suited to answer. And if you want to know how to solve a Rubix Cube ... well we can get you in touch with Uncle Aaron in the photo above.

I look forward to seeing what is on your minds. Loves, Stephanie

Understanding Love and Fear

An Anonymous Commenter on the last post wrote the following, "Thank you for this post. I love the precious picture, and the sweet sentiment. You posted before about there is no fear in love. I have thought about it since the first time you posted about it, and realize I don't quite understand what that means. I fear several things, and losing one of my children is the main one. Does this mean I don't love them enough? Does it mean not to worry- there is a plan for all of us, so we don't need to fear? I'm sorry to ask these questions to you, but you seem to understand the concept, better than I."

For what they are worth, here are my thoughts on the subject. Perfect faith and fear cannot occupy the same space. Fear is not of the Lord. I do not have a perfect understanding of this concept because it seems logical that with great love there should be great fear of loss. But perfect love is Eternal. It does not die. It does not fade. It fills us with hope and ... well love. When we are filled with this love there simply is no fear in us. Imagine being in the presence of the Savior and his perfect love. If your love for Him is also perfect there should be no fear in your heart. There would just be so much love that there would be no room left for fear or doubt. I can only say that when my heart attached to that PURE love that I knew I had for Camille and my family, all the fear left me. The fear was the worst part of the experience. When we have perfect faith in the Lord and his plan for us, we feel his perfect love and there simply is no fear. We know all will be well, even if things turn out contrary to our desires. I do not think you do not love your kids enough. I think you are just human like the rest of us and do not have the perfect faith required to eliminate all fear of losing them. I do not fear losing my children anymore. I did before. I am not sure why this changed. Maybe because from this side of that experience I know how eternal the love is and how eternal the family bonds are. I don't want to feel this pain again and would fight to not have to feel it. But I know the Lord will not give me more than I can handle. I know His plan. I feel daily of His perfect love. When I keep focused on that, even in the painful moments of sorrow at the separation, there just isn't any room for fear.

Feeling the Love

Lauren, Sabrina, and Ann Marie loving each other. Note the hand hold.

One of my greatest fears in those dark days in the hospital tending the lifeless body of my baby girl was the thought of going home. How could I go home without her there? How could I leave her? The two times I left the hospital to try to get some sleep I went to my sister's house. I just couldn't go home. 

Sunday, before we turned off the machines, my brother gave me a blessing. In it he quoted a scripture with which I was unfamiliar. "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear" 1 John 4: 18.  I felt a warm feeling of assurance come over me. Love was not something lacking in my heart or in my life or in my home. Love was like the air around me. It surrounded me and was keeping me alive breath by breath. 

I thought of my girls and how much love my girls and how much all of us loved Camille. And suddenly I was no longer afraid to go home. I knew as long as our home was filled with that love, Camille would always be there, in our home, in the love.

The past three months, I have stressed the need for our home to be filled with love. This is not always easy. Kids fight. They get tired and grumpy and they bicker. Sometimes even the big people get tired and grumpy  and bicker too. But there has definitely been more love in our home lately. 

I often find my girls being incredibly loving with each other. It brings me the joy I am seeking in my life. I found them all laying on each other in the photo above a couple weeks ago. I love the picture. I love those girls. And I love that they love each other. 

I know I have talked about this before but I think it is worth the repeat because it is so easy to lose sight of the need for love to fill our homes. Life so easily distracts us. Like the other day when Lauren was climbing up on me for the hundredth time while I was trying to type something. Frustrated and annoyed, I finally asked her, "Why are you doing this? Why do you always have to sit on me?"

Her simple response brought me back and reminded me about what is important. 

"Because I love you, Mama," she said. Love is really what it is all about.

Finding Joy

"I am so happy!" Lauren says to me today. This girl just exudes happiness. She is the most happy, laughing, giggly girl I have ever known. She often reminds me of my paternal grandmother. In fact, I often can almost hear Grandma Harris laughing from beyond the veil at this little girl with all her giggles.

I am a thinker. My mind always is pondering something or other. Lately, I have pondered quite a bit about finding joy amid grief. I want to let myself feel all the emotions that pass over me so I can let them go, but I also do not want to dwell on the sorrow and grief. I do not want Camille, and especially not her death, to be the overwhelming focus of my life.

I figure there will come a time and season when she will be the most glorious sole focus of my life. I anticipate that day like you can only imagine if you have not lost a child. But I have three other daughters here and now. I don't want to cheat them out of their mother's attention and focus on top of the loss they are already feeling. 

So today as I was driving, I was thinking about how I want to model my own life for them to follow. I want them to be able to feel sad and cry when they need to let that emotion out. But, I mostly want them to feel joy -- real, honest, heart bursting joy. I think it is hard for them to feel that if I don't. The mama sets the tone in the home. 

Feeling more honest joy is something I am going to be working on. I just need to make my mind more firmly focused on the numerous and overwhelming blessings in my life to feel that joy. It is totally doable, if I can just focus my mind.

So today the girls and I watched a movie together and Lauren "held" me through all the scary parts to protect me. It was really cute. Then when the movie ended she exclaimed in pure joy with arms spread wide "I am so happy!" At that moment, I felt that pure joy emanating from her little self like a heat wave. I love you my Lauren. 

Shoppin Time

After a long day at work, I was summoned to the boss’s office (i.e. my DW, or “dear wife” for those of you new to the world wide webs). She informed me that I would be guest blogging today. As my role in life is to help, nay, serve the every whim and wish of her and her little minions, I acquiesced and said, “yes maam” while mumbling something about needing to see some show on the DVR list.

So here I am.

Ummm…. So now what?

Oh, right. Time for a fashion hot tip. I believe someone in my last entry suggested that bloggers give fashion tips. Below is a surefire way for the guys to catch the ladies. This dashing ensemble was put together to woo my DW back in the single days.

Now where to buy you are likely asking yourself? From the DI. No, not your Dear Idiot, but the Deseret Industries. Or Salvation Army. Or Thrift Store. OK, I did find a decent website HERE for all your leisure suit needs.

OK, while I’m on the subject, every commenter to this post must put (in your opinion) what you believe the HOT, NOW place to shop is. It can be on the Internet or in the mall. That’s the fun part about my job – I track where people spend their money and what they are buying, etc. etc. However, since I’m fashion blind (or perhaps a trendsetter in a leisure suit??) I usually rely on people like my sister (her chic shopping tips are found HERE) for what is cutting edge and possibly soon to be adopted by the masses. So indulge me with your thoughts, if you don’t mind.


Now, in these uncertain economic times you might be tempted to reply Wal-Mart or Target or Costco. These responses are off-limits. I know, the high price of everything has brought America to its knees and the average citizen can no longer rely on the price of his/her house to pay for that $400 handbag from Coach. We all know that few are going to Saks and Neiman these days. We’re going to lunch with the kids at Costco from the food handed out by old ladies in white hair nets. It’s a surprise every time! OK, OK I admit that might just be me because I’m too lazy to make Easy Crack, I mean, Easy Mac for the girls. In any case, Wal-mart/target/costco are obvious choices – too obvious.

Happy shopping!!

A Conversation with Sabrina

I don't have many photos of Sabrina holding Camille, but it was a daily occurrence around our house. Sabrina loved to tote Camille around on her hip like a little Mama. I think that is what Sabrina misses most is holding her baby sister. 

This morning I was having some alone time with Sabrina. I asked her if she ever felt mad that Camille isn't with us here anymore. 

"Mad?" she asked. "No. Not mad. But I do miss her." Then she began to tell me about a show she watched that reminded her of Camille. "I was watching Franklin the other day," she said. "And in it Harriett had a blue blanket that Franklin had given to her. It was to make her feel better when she was sad or hurt. Well in the show, Harriett and a little boy named Kit got hurt at the playground and Harriett got a Bandaid for her scrape. Then she went to visit Kit and make sure he was okay. He had sprained his ankle. Harriett gave Kit her special blanket to help him feel better while his ankle hurt. Then when Kit felt better he gave the blanket back to Harriett.

"It reminded me of two things about Camille. First, it reminded me of the magic blanket that someone gave us to feel better when we miss Camille. Also, it made me think that Harriett is like Jesus and Kit is like Camille and the blanket was like her life. Jesus gave life to Camille and when she didn't need it anymore she gave it back," Sabrina concluded. "I thought of those things and then I just couldn't help but cry," she finished.

What insight for a sweet seven year old girl to have. I just had to record her deep thoughts for my own record of this time in our lives. Thanks again for the magic blanket, Wallaces. And thank you forever for Camille's life, Jesus.

Tired

Tonight I am tired. Life is hardest when we are tired. We all feel it at some point. It is just a matter of what we are tired of that differs. Some are tired of feeling sick. Some are tired of fighting addictions, or temptations, or depression. Some are tired of being pregnant, or climbed on, or pooped on, or spit up on. Some are tired of feeling lonely. Some are tired of having to get up every day and work all day to provide for their families. Our trials differ but sometimes each of us gets tired of bearing our personal cross.

Tonight I am tired. I am tired of not having to keep my voice down at night putting the girls to bed because there is no sleeping baby. I am tired of waking up to silence. I am tired of trying to keep my mind firm and positive. I am tired of people worrying about me. I am tired of worrying about myself. I am just tired. 

Jonathan just asked me what I was posting about. I told him I was posting about being tired. He said that was not a good thing to post about. He said I should post about my "dh." He said posting about my "dh" and how cute he is would be much more interesting. My self proclaimed "designated hitter" is right. 

We all get tired but we cannot, we must not give up the good fight. We must take up our cross and fight onward. The stakes are just too high. The alternative is too bleak. Heaven watches us most closely when we are tired. It is the crucial point in the game that defines us as players. What do we do when we are tired? Do we give up or do we call for help and carry on. These tired times are defining moments. 

Tonight I am going to follow the advice of my "dh" and tell you all I love that man. It is he who can make me smile through my tears. It is he who helps me bear my cross despite the weight of his own. I love that man. He is an example of strength and endurance to me. Now I am going to follow his example and his cute behind and head up to bed.

Hands of Heaven

Last night the creator of this video above and one of her friends upon whom the movie is based came to our ward enrichment to present this video to our Relief Society. I asked them to show the video as a thank you to my ward sisters. 

The video is a representation of the true stories of four friends who help each other through some very trying times in their lives. These trials bring these friends together as they serve each other. I saw the video for the first time about 2 years ago in California. I left thinking "Who has friends like that?"

Over the last three months I have discovered that I have lots and lots of friends like that. These are the types of friendships forged in the furnace of the Refiner's fire. They are deep meaningful and filled with charity. I have found those friendships with neighbors, old friends, new friends, and many many strangers. I have found these friendships do not depend on age, marital status, or life stage. They are only founded on love and service. 

I am so grateful for all the sisters in my ward and neighborhood who have loved and supported and prayed for us. Especially since so few of them even knew me before this happened. I am equally grateful for so many incredible friends from my past who do know me well and resurfaced to lend love and support through this low time. 

I hope all of you know, whether you were there last night or not, that I love and appreciate you. Even those of you I don't know very well. I have felt the support of your prayers and love. 

If you get a chance to see Hands of Heaven, you should. It is available to purchase HERE. Thank you to Kathryn Turley for creating it. It gave me a reference point to cling to as I have traveled down this thorny path of loss. May we all find deep, meaningful relationships through service of and with other women in our lives.

A New Season

September seems to mark the end of summer for me. School is back in session. The weather is cooling off ever so slightly. Routines are back. People are all back from vacations. 

There is something comforting about the return to routines. For me, this fall marks the end of the worst summer of my life. I welcome the changes of the season. The new season marks a new chapter of my life. I know every ensuing chapter will be framed around the events of this summer. But, with mixed emotions, I am turning pages and starting a new chapter. 

Sabrina and Annie started school and have been enjoying their new teachers and new friends. Here are a couple of photos of them on the first day of school.

My Answer

I have been pondering my own question from the previous post. How would my "secret journal" to the Lord be different from my prayers? As many of you have noted, the Lord knows all my thoughts and feelings. I don't think I would be writing those in my secret journal to Him.

No, I think my secret journal would be full of questions. I usually don't ask the Lord lots of questions. I never have asked "why" of the Lord during this trial. I think I avoid questions because I feel uncertain about getting answers. I just think that the Lord only tells us answers we really need. The rest He expects us to take on faith. 

But pondering this self posed question has made me rethink my position. I have learned so much through the subtle whisperings of the Spirit these past couple of months. I have learned things I didn't NEED to know but that are comforting and wonderful. Maybe the Lord wants to teach us things about his kingdom but is waiting for us to ask. 

Maybe if we never ask, we are missing out on treasures of great knowledge that He would like to give us. I am not saying I can just go ask what happened to the dinosaurs and get the answer. But, I think I may start asking more questions and studying the scriptures and pondering and listening for more answers. And I am going to be careful which questions I ask. I am going to ask questions that can teach me more about my Father in Heaven, my relationship to Him, and how I can progress further in my journey to Him. I think these are the kind of questions He may be waiting to answer for me.

Secret Journals

A very good friend of mine Molly, is a family therapist now. I visited with her a bit to evaluate whether or not to do family counseling after Camille's death. While we ultimately concluded that at least for now counseling wasn't necessary, she gave me some great ideas to do with my girls.

One of these has been having a secret journal for each girl. Each girl has their own journal. They can write their thoughts or feelings in it and put it under my pillow for me to read. Then I write back to them and put it under their pillow. 

My girls have loved having secrets with me. Now none of their secrets are juicy. Most are wondering if we can play Clue together "next day" or ideas of where we can go on vacation next. But I love that they have a place to communicate more privately with me. 

I think secret journals are a great idea. Thanks for the journals and the suggestion, Molly.

So, if you had a secret journal with your Heavenly Father, how would what you write differ from how you currently pray?  Just throwing that out there for thought. I don't have my own answer to that yet. Just another of my deep questions to ponder for the night.