Unpacked!

It is official. I have unpacked ever box. We have hung nearly all the pictures. We are unpacked. Now there are still areas that need some organizing and reorganizing. But all in good time these things will get sorted out.

I am feeling more comfortable in these new shoes. I am beginning to feel a bit more "me" here. The first week was rough. I think the fact that it coincided with the anniversary of Camille's accident and her passing made it worse. My body and subconscious just can't fully ignore the emotions that seem to resurface during that time.

But I am feeling quite a bit better now. I still miss the people from home and home is still not here. I was talking to Jonathan last night about how I feel uprooted. My roots were dug so deep in Las Vegas. I just am barely planted here and my roots are just beginning to explore the possibility of digging in and making this home.

Sabrina is off at girls camp with our old ward. I miss her. Having a kid removed from the mix definitely creates a massive whole in the family as I well know. But I know she will have a great time and hope she will get to feel the Spirit again like she did at the girls camp for our ward here.

Annie is adjusting well I think. She has had a couple of play dates with girls her age here that went well. I feel very good about this being a good move for her.

Lauren is my wild card. Not sure how she is doing friend wise yet. I need to focus on that next. But she is being helpful and around the house with me and I always like that.

Noble is my ambassador. He introduces us to everyone and tells them all about us. Last Sunday we had Jon's brother Aaron and his family (wife and 4 little girls) staying with us. We were all in the hall after church as I was meeting his primary teachers. And Noble saw the girl cousins and grabbed his primary teacher. He pointed to all his girl cousins and said excitedly to his primary teacher, "Those girls are sleeping with me!" Nice.

Harrison is just happy as a pig in manure to have backyard in which he can play.

Jonathan is enjoying his job here. It is so nice when a husband enjoys his work.

I am hosting a So You Think You Can Dance party tonight. We will see if anyone shows. :) I have found it is a bit more challenging here to do this tradition because so many dads work out of town during the week that mothers can't leave their little ones to come. But I enjoy watching the show and eating whatever treat or snack I make whether 20 people come or only 1 (and even if that 1 is my hubby.) :)

I am speaking in church this Sunday. I only have 8-10 minutes. It is going to be hard to whittle down my thoughts and remarks to 10 minutes. But I feel good about the topic and hope the Spirit will keep guiding me in what to whittle away to make it the talk I am supposed to give.

God is good people. He giveth and he taketh away but in the end of it all we see He is perfectly good. Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

Like New shoes

Living here thus far has felt like wearing a pair of new shoes. But day by day being here is feeling more comfortable. It still doesn't feel like home to me. I imagine that will take some time. But I am not feeling the "blisters" I felt that first week.

Almost all the boxes are unpacked. Now my chores are organizing and putting things into storage. Little by little things are coming together.

A hard thing

Wow. This while moving thing is really hitting me today. This is a hard thing.

I am grateful for Jonathan's job.
I am grateful for this nice house we found to live in.
I am grateful for my children.
I am grateful for my husband.
I am grateful to have my brother Stephen and his wife Rachel close by.
I am grateful for what seems like a great ward filled with friendly helpful people.

All that being said, the truth is I am feeling a bit lost without the deep and abiding ties I feel to my people in my desert. Wow this is a hard thing!

I can do hard things... right?

Unpacking

Well after 2 full days of driving and 5 hours of sleep in the middle, we arrived at our new home. We got in late and the kids were wired after being stuck in the car so long. They ran around crazy for a couple of hours and eventually we got to sleep.

Six hours later I rolled out of bed and got to the unpacking. We did get so much done on Saturday. My sister in law took my little boys most of the day so we worked hard without too many distractions. After 14 hours I was beat! All I wanted was a hot shower and to climb in my bed I had just found the sheets to make.

I stood in the shower waiting for hot water that never came. I considered braving the cold but just could bring myself to do more than a bird bath. I stepped out of the shower and the tears came. Moving is just hard. That's all. It just is.

I caught myself and did what any good Texan would do-I pulled up my bootstraps and got back on the horse. The horse in this analogy is the "be grateful for all the lords blessings and happy you have such a nice house" horse. :)

In the morning I took my cold shower and made it to church bright and early. Jon used google to figure out how to fix the water heater. (He may not be super handy but in today's age, being tech savvy is almost as good.)

Somehow this still feels like vacation. Not sure when it will feel real. But here we are and I can see that it is possible that one day maybe this could feel like home.

12th Birthday

Sabrina turned 12 last week. I can't believe I have a child who is 12 and in our church's youth program! I have loved seeing her enter this new phase of spiritual and emotional growth. She understands and internalizes things on a deeper level these days.

For her birthday we got her a temple recommend and took her to do baptisms for the dead (an ordinance we can perform in the temple at the age of 12 see mormon.org.) I love the temple and it was such a wonderful way to share my love with my daughter. I will do that with every child for their 12th birthday.

We shared with Sabrina the importance of temple attendance and taught her about the temple ordinance of baptism for the dead. Most importantly we got to help her understand the feelings she had in the temple and challenge her to help us create those same happy peaceful feeling in our home.

I want to make sure we take her back with us often to remind her of those happy feelings and help her temper her teenage emotions with the peace and love we feel in the temple.

Really this was the sweetest experience. I felt Camille with us and felt the Spirit stronger than I have in a while. After the baptisms, we took Sabrina to the cafeteria for dinner. Grandma and Grandpa Waite joined us for the whole experience which just made it feel that much more like heaven.

Recipe for the Best Mother's Day Ever...

This has been one of my best mother's days ever. A number of simple ingredients made this possible:

Ingredients:
Extremely low expectations (Jon is gone. So I am expecting no special treatment at all. Noble starts throwing up at 10 p.m. the night before. So I am expecting to be up all night cleaning up throw up.) Noble ended up sleeping from 11 p.m. on through the night. Harrison (who has been waking up every 4 hours for a month) slept through the night with Annie transferred to his room to avoid being near Noble. Expecting no sleep and getting good sleep ... my day was already great by the time I woke up.

A long discussion about love languages in which my children really listen and take in the concept and understand what they need to do to make me feel loved. (This took a few hours and was precipitated by me asking my kids to help me clean up the house the night and them not helping... at all. After I threw a tantrum about feeling unloved and explaining that service is my love language, things improved. They helped with boys and cleaned and kept helping all through till tonight.)

Very little fighting. Several of my kids were sad not to have a "present" to give me. I told them truly the best present was a day without bickering or fighting but only with love and helping. While that wasn't perfectly the case all day, I could tell my kids (especially the girls) were really trying to keep the peace and love in the home.

Great "gifts." Lauren made me breakfast in bed. (Toast and water but it hit the spot and didn't create a mess for me to clean up.) Jon gave me a massage at a spa last weekend that took away the ache I have had in my neck for weeks. My mother in law is treating me to a facial while she watches my kids tomorrow. A great friend of me brought me yummy Pie tonight. And I bought fabric that reminds me of Camille (she had a baby blanket with the fabric) and tonight all the kids helped sew me a pillow case out of it. We had fun working on it together (especially after the boys did their part and went to bed.) Planning your own presents guarantees you will love them. I love my new pillow case and look forward to going to buy my new pillow to go in it. :)

Clean house. The kids hardly complained at all when I told them they were going to do the dishes (which they never do) and help me clean up the house after dinner.

Service. We had the sister missionaries over for dinner and they got to call their moms on skype on our computer. It was great to have them over and be able to serve them in that way.

Over all these made for a great mother's day.

Camille's birthday

I am late posting this. But such is life.

We had a party and invited those who knew or had met Camille over for cake and ice cream. We had people wrote down acts of kindness they had done and attach them to balloons. At the end of the party we let the balloons go in the backyard.

I don't know why I have never done this before. It was great. I loved watching the balloons float off out of sight so gradually.

The whole event was wonderful and I had a few people tell me they could feel Camille there with us. I was glad I wasn't the only one. I love my girl. I love that she is still so much a part of our family. I love that people remember her.

God is good. I am grateful for the teachings of His prophets in our day that teach me more simply of the plan of our existence and the miraculous hope that comes as a result of Christ's atoning sacrifice. His gospel brings me peace and happiness even in the face of terrible trials. Families can be forever through Jesus Christ. God is good.

Happy Mother's Day

I am sitting by my little man who has fallen asleep after an hour of throwing up every 15 minutes. Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Tomorrow I will be mothering. The errand of angels IS given to women. We are the angels to our children in their low and sickly hours. We are the angels to our friends when they are overwhelmed or in tears.

A friend of mine, Shelli, has been coming over to help me pack. She has been an angel to me. She is speaking in church tomorrow. She told me that this is what she is talking about ... About how as women we are performing angelic errands when we serve others. So true. So true.

Well I better get what little sleep I can in now, for soon I will be doing angel's work again.

p.s. I have posted a few times from my phone since that April 14th post and those posts haven't shown up. Hmmm. I guess I better stick to posting from my computer.

In between and Cami's Kindness Day

Sitting at the airport, leaving my love, going to my 5 little loves, my heart is torn. Having your heart in two places is not fun. I find myself in the space between two lives. One life I know and love, another full of hope and promise.

7 more weeks of living in between here and there. I want to suck up every moment of my time in homeland before I embark on this great new adventure. For all its faults, Las Vegas is still and will ever be home to me.

I had a great weekend visiting Jon. I miss him and it is hard to leave him here. I look forward to being reunited long term.

We like the house we found. Things are moving forward with it. We went to our new church congregation and we were very warmly received. I feel there are people with whom we can develop solid friendships here.

Still I know this change will mean leaving almost everyone who knew Camille. Only my brothers family will remember her with me here.

We will move into this new ward family and they will know us as a family of seven. They won't see us for the family of eight that we are. They won't ever really understand how much Camille is still an integral part of our family. If I weren't living this reality I wouldn't understand it. That is why it is the "deepest secret nobody knows."

Camille's 6th birthday is this Friday. I usually invite the whole kindergarten class to a homespun party when my kids turn 6. I think this year I will make lots of cake and ask everyone who knew her or feels they know her through me to come get some with us. We will do it Saturday when Jon will be home at 4 pm. Put it on your calendar and call or text me if you can come so I know how much cake to make.

We will have a place for people to give their "gift" of writing down what random act of kindness they did in Camille's honor.

If you can't make the party, I invite you to eat some cake and comment here with your random act of kindness. It will cheer me to have her so remembered before leaving everyone who ever knew her.

Now I better wrap up before all the people in the airport start wondering why my eyes are so leaky :).

courage

Last night Sabrina performed a piano solo and a then a vocal solo in her school talent show. I never would have guessed how it would feel to be the mother of someone performing in a talent show or just any performance. Every time my kids are to perform, I get nervous for them as if I were performing myself.

The funny part is that often they are not nervous at all. But I always am. Last night Sabrina told me she was really scared and shaking. But she played her Cannon in D on the piano very well. And her song was lovely.

I sat in the audience recording her on my phone and felt a rush of love and joy wash over me. I was so thrilled that she would have the courage to try out and perform in front of her school. There were some really good acts that night. And Sabrina did not win the competition. But this was one of those times that I felt she won on a personal level for performing well and having the courage to try.

Sabrina can do hard things. I hope she always remembers that.

Here are Sabrina and her best friend after her first shopping trip at the mall with friends and her own money. I sat in the food court while they shopped.

We Found a House!

Jon and I found a house we liked when we moved him down there. We made an offer on it and eventually came to an acceptable contract with the seller. Assuming things go according to plan, Jon should be moving into the home on June 1. The kids and I will follow a week later.

The house is in Flower Mound, TX just 10 minutes from my brother Stephen's home. I am thrilled to have found a place so close to him that feels like it will work for us. Now comes the dreaded packing. I officially started today.

I got through 2 book shelves of books. That took 12 boxes. I am going to need a lot of boxes.

I had a very productive day including a trip to the gym ... to work out. I have been going to the gym fairly regularly these last 4 months but it has always been to study while the boys played in their play place. This was the first time in a long time I went with the sole purpose of actually working out. It was great.

I feel good tonight. Watching General Conference helped. It always does. I feel full of hope and promise. There are tears ahead but there is also joy and discovery as well. Just because we can't see it yet, doesn't mean it isn't there.

Awesome Annie Strikes Again!

Last night after we got home from Grandma's house for our Easter dinner, I put the kids (most of whom fell asleep in the car on the way home) in their beds and went to start cleaning up the kitchen. Annie had not fallen asleep. She stayed up and helped me. By 9 we had the kitchen and family in good shape and I sat to blog for a minute and told her to head up and get ready and bed.

It was her turn to sleep in my bed last night. I am giving the kids turns to have sleep overs with mom. I went up shortly after and was asleep by 10:30. At 1 ish, Harrison woke up not feeling well. I gave him a bottle of milk with some Tylenol and he got back to sleep. At 3 ish Noble woke up screaming. He was in pain (ear infection) and had a fever. I took him downstairs and got him some Tylenol and carried him back upstairs to bed after he settled down.

At 4:48 Harrison woke up ... for the day. He is still adjusting to Pacific time after being on Central time for a week and he isn't feeling great so ... he was up and not about to go back down.

I brought him in my bed in the hopes of him falling asleep with me. No luck. But Annie woke up from the noise and she took him downstairs to watch TV so I could sleep. She ended up changing Harrison's diaper and feeding both boys her own special homemade oatmeal with brown sugar. All while getting ready for school and without being prompted.

I pulled her aside and told her how incredibly grateful I was for her and all the help she had given me last night and this morning. Then as she was feeding Harrison she said to me, "Mom I don't babysit. I take care of people. Otherwise these boys would have bum marks all over them."

I love this girl. She just gets better every day, every month, every year. Love her!

Feelings on the move

I really can't put into words how I am feeling about this move. I have so many varied emotions it is hard to identify and keep track of them.

I feel like I have turned the helm of my life over to the Lord. I am a planner. I like to have my whole life planned out. If there is one thing I have learned these last 5 years, it is that life doesn't always go according to plan.

People ask me how long we will be in Dallas. My answer - for as long as it is right for us to be there. Maybe that will be one year, or three. Maybe it will be for 10 years or 20. I don't know. I have turned over the control to Him. I guess we will see what He has in store for me.

I went to Dallas last week. I went to church just 9 hours after landing. The ward was great in the area we want to live. It reminded me that the gospel is the same no matter where you go, just different people doing their best to live it. The people were nice.

I am going to be ok. I will make new friends. The Lord will clear a path for us. That is my hope.

But I am not sure I will ever have friends like the ones I have here. These friendships have been forged through difficult trials. Many of my friends here have seen me at my lowest of lows. They have held me up. They have stood by me when I couldn't stand alone.

Okay, gotta stop thinking about this ... my mascara is all down my face now and my nose is running ... I just can't quite go there yet. I'll head back to denial that I am leaving these wonderful people and this home that I love.

But as much Texas pride as there is down there, I have to say, flying over Lake Mead and seeing those rocky mountains standing as guardians around our valley, I felt a surge of my own state pride. In my mind I heard the state song, "Home means Nevada. Home means the hills. Home means the sage and the pine... Home means Nevada to me."

Easter Made Simple

Hope. That is Easter made simple. Easter is a celebration of the hope we are given through Christ's victory over death.

This year, since we drove Jonathan to Dallas last week and I just flew home yesterday with all five kids, we simplified Easter. I didn't buy anything. We woke up to a house without much in the way of groceries. I threw together a Dutch Baby for breakfast and we went around the table telling why we were thankful for Jesus.

Sabrina and Noble are sick so they stayed home and the rest of us headed to church to hear the Good Word. I love our ward. I learn new things or have new insights almost every Sunday. We just have a really great ward and the Spirit is strong in every meeting.

We dyed eggs after church with shaving cream and food coloring. I made a quick batch of cookies to take to Grandma's house for our family potluck dinner there.

After Camille died I thought I wanted to make Easter bigger and more anticipated by the kids. As time has gone on, I have found that this holiday is one I want to treasure up in my heart rather than "celebrate" in the traditional commercial way. I reflected so much more on the Savior today than I have other Easters because I wasn't trying to get everyone picture perfect for church in new dresses and I wasn't worried about getting through all sorts of activities or whatnot.

I thought about the quiet peace that must have been almost tangible in the empty tomb. I tried to carry that with me through my day. It is the peace of the promise He fulfilled. It is the peace of that great Hope He gives. All else may fail, but in Him we can always still find Hope.

Home

Sitting in the quiet comfort of my mostly sleeping home, I look around and see all the places she has crawled and climbed and discovered here in this home that was her home.

Tonight is Jon's last night home in this home. Four years ago, I could not have entertained the idea of moving from this home that was her home. The thought of leaving this place where she had lived was unbearable.

But I have come to learn over the last four years that my Camille lives more fully in my heart than in any earthly space. Home is where your family is and she will be home with me no matter where I roam or in which house I hang my figurative hat.

The poem by e e Cummings comes to mind...
[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]
BY E. E. CUMMINGS
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

That is the deepest secret ... I carry her heart (I carry it in my heart) Here, in Texas, anywhere.

Power of Moms Retreat in Las Vegas

Last year I attended and spoke at a Power of Moms Retreat here in Las Vegas. I really enjoyed attending the workshops and sharing ideas with the other mothers. I picked up some great ideas for our family that I am still using a year later.

Power of Moms is hosting another retreat in the Las Vegas area again April 12-13th. You can find information on that HERE. If you are available that weekend, I would highly recommend attending the retreat. I would be going if I weren't going to be in Dallas that weekend.

I am a member of a Learning Circle through the Power of Moms group. It has been such a blessing to my life. I have formed really close relationships with the women in my group and feel a real sense of support and strength from our meetings. I feel like attending the meetings gives me more confidence in my ability to be an effective mother and more tools to use in that pursuit. Every month when we meet, I am reminded about the big picture of how important my work at home is and I leave recommitted to give it my all.

Check out forming a learning circle of your own at Power of Moms.

What are the odds?

Recently I have been teaching Noble how he got his name and why. He knows his name is Morgan Noble Waite. I ask him who he is named after. He replies that he is named after "your dad" (his grandpa.) I ask what my dad's name is and he says, "Grandpa Harris!" I say yes but what is his name that is the same as your name? Noble then replies, "Morgan!"

Then comes the harder question: "Why are you named after him?"

Noble will now say, "because of the sisters." Yes. I explain to him, Grandpa had four big sisters just like you have 4 big sisters. And he is the 5th kid in his family just like you are the 5th kid in your family. Then we count the sisters in our family by name and I name the big sisters in my dad's family.

Then I add in that Grandpa Harris has one little brother just like Noble has one little brother. That is why he is named after Grandpa Harris.

Today my Aunt Helen came over to pick something up. We don't see her very often. She is my dad's sister. Last time she came over Noble was about 6 months old, so this was his first time really meeting her.

I went to get him and said, "Noble, come and meet one of Grandpa Harris' four big sisters." Then I thought about it and realized that she is the sister just above my dad. So I said, "this is Grandpa's 'Camille' sister that was born just before him just like Camille was born just before you."

We went in and Noble hit it off with Aunt Helen. She asked how old he was and when was his birthday. He told her his birthday is in May, "It's always in May." Then Aunt Helen said hers was in April. I didn't know that. Camille's birthday is April 19th.

"Oh, wow, Camille's birthday is in April too," I tell her. "What day is your birthday, Aunt Helen?"

"April 19th" she says. Wow.

Feeling a new connection to my Aunt Helen today.

Here is Aunt Helen reading one of the 20 books Noble brought to show her because she just "HAD TO SEE" it!

How Times Have Changed

I am getting a small preview of the coming months. Jon has been in NYC for a couple of days for a conference for his new job. He gets back late tonight. Nine days later we move him out to Dallas. Then I will only get to see him once or twice a month until we move out there to join him sometime this summer.

Jon and I were on opposite coasts for our whole engagement and dating experience. It was rough. But that was almost 14 years ago. In our modern age of technology, a lot changes in 14 years. I didn't even have a cell phone back then. Imagine that!

The last couple days are certainly more work and less sleep for me. But, Instagram, texting and other new technologies are going to make this long distance thing a little better this time around.

I have had fun seeing Jon's Instagrams to see what he is doing and the joy in his day. I have been putting up some photos for him of his little buddies. It makes us feel more connected even when we are 3000 miles apart and he is in meetings all day and can't talk.

Perhaps one of the hardest parts that I hadn't really considered before will be how much the kids will miss Jonathan. Harrison can't say too many words, but he can say "Dad." He has been clingy with me today and every time we pass the office or my bedroom or Jon's car, or a family picture he points and says, "Dad." He misses his Dad.

By the time we finally move to Dallas, Harrison will be thinking Dad is in the computer. Because he will see him on Skype more than in person. But at least he will be able to see him and talk to him. I am so grateful for our modern technology for these good things it enables. It has serious "side effects" and dangers, but it can also bring great blessings to us.

Dinner Club

Last night for dinner club I made these amazing ABC Burgers from Remarkable Home.

I normally I don't really like homemade hamburgers. But my friend Emily is an amazing baker and cook and she worked her magic with this burger recipe. Go on over to her blog to see the recipe and try it out.

I made roasted potatoes and a triple chocolate cake from Pintrest that had a layer that was brownies. Yumm.

I am going to need to form a new dinner group in Texas. These last 4 years of cooking only once a week has been heavenly.

Get to vs. Have to

I learned so very much during the last 5 months of studying. Most of it would bore the majority of you and I will refrain from sharing the intricacies of present possessory property interests with you. But one of the things the criminal law professor shared has far reaching application and I find myself applying it in every day life.

During his lecture he reminded us that when we set out for law school we were so excited to get in and "get" to go to law school. Within a few weeks we were saying, "I have to read these cases and do this work." But all the while we were paying lots of money to "get" to do this work and learn these things.

His point was that if we would think of our studying in terms of "getting to" study for the bar rather than "having to" study for it, our studying would be more effective.

I kept that mindset through my hours of studying. I feel it did help.

Now here I am trying to get back into the swing of being a mother. I have not done much cleaning or mothering these last couple of months. I literally was studying 8-10 hours a day on average. And I have found myself having a hard time transitioning back into the more mundane aspects of motherhood like diapers and mess cleaning.

But here this lesson from my criminal law professor keeps haunting my mind. I have just gone through a period of emotionally and mentally stealing myself to reenter the work force. While there was a part of me that looked forward to the idea of working, the idea of leaving my children each day and not being able to mother them all day was painful to me.

With Jonathan's new job, I will not need to work outside our home. I "get" to stay home with my kids and be their diaper changer and mess cleaner upper. It is a privilege to do this. I am sacrificing good money for this opportunity. I am a better mother when I remember this.

Which aspects of your life do you treat like you "have tos" when really they are "get tos?" How would your experience in these areas change if you could see them from the perspective of "get to?"