Introducing...

Harrison McKay Waite

Born 3-25-2011 at 6:45 p.m.

Weighing in at 8 lbs. 3 ozs. (mama's prediction on the nose)

20 inches long (one inch shy of mama's prediction)

I am so incredibly happy. Happy to be no longer pregnant. Happy that the delivery went smoothly (more details later). Happy that my baby is healthy and safe. Happy I am recovering well. And super happy that this little guy is not a screamer. He has the most peaceful spirit. I am in awe. I need to make my home as peaceful as he is. He is already inspiring me. Thanks for the prayers and well wishes! -- Stephanie

Changes

I had my last OB appointment today. I am feeling pretty crampy now. The doctor is ripening my cervix using the balloon method. My mom has come over to save the day and "be me" today. She is doing my errands and packing my hospital bag and taking care of my kiddos for me. Mom's are the greatest, especially mine.

I am sitting on the recliner trying to count contractions. I am not very good at that. I have a hard time distinguishing contraction pain from my general tightness and the baby moving and just my overall hurting.  But one way or another I am very excited that I will no longer be pregnant in the next 24 to 36 hours.

Last night I had an awful night. I couldn't fall asleep. I just had this foreboding feeling and tons of anxiety. I get that every now and then since Camille's accident. I laid in bed with "worst case scenarios" playing over and over in my head till midnight when I finally got up and went downstairs to watch some TV. That seemed to settle my brain and I was able to fall asleep around 2 a.m.

I am not sure if the hospital I am going to this time has internet access in the delivery rooms like the one I had Noble did. If it does, I will blog from the hospital and let you all know how things go. If not you will have to wait till Saturday or Sunday.

This has been a big month in my family. An emotional one. I have other things to post about. Like the fact that my parents have just sold their home, my childhood home, the place I grew up, the home Jonathan and I lived in when we moved to Las Vegas from California, Camille's first home. It is an emotional thing. One I have cried a good deal of tears over and try not to think about too much. But I have a post in me on it. I will write it a bit later as they get closer to actually moving. They have to be out by May 15th but could move as soon as mid April depending on when they settle on the house they want to buy.

Change. It is inevitable, necessary, often painful, and hard to swallow. But it is part of life. And in the end, every change moves us forward and molds us a bit more into who we will eventually become.

Spring ... a Season of Celebration

A cold wind blows across the valley as I waddle from house to house stuffing fliers into my neighbors doors. It is March. April is just 10 days away. I have to get word out about the annual Easter neighborhood block party today. I have to give my neighbors a few days to RSVP before I have my baby at the end of the week.

I am hoping all the walking will put me into labor now. I would love to have a baby today ... or tomorrow. The sooner the better as far as I am concerned. But all my walking only seems to make my pelvis hurt and I feel no contractions. Bummer. Oh well, at least I got the fliers delivered and the baby will come in four days ready or not.

The tulips I planted last fall are beginning to bloom in my back yard. Camille's flower, blooming to signal that her birthday is also coming up. We will celebrate it as a family a few days after the block party. Then a few days later we will celebrate Easter.

I miss my little girl. But the hole in my heart she left when she died is no longer the open wound it once was. It is a tender scar. A memory of my greatest pain. A reminder of why Easter is the most hopeful holiday, of why life is so precious, of how important it is that I be the best mother and the best Stephanie I can be.

And perhaps more than this, that scar is a reminder to me of the healing power of the atonement. I am moved to tears just thinking about the miracle of it all. How is it possible that such a wound could ever feel healed? I don't know. And yet somehow, the Savior has made me feel whole again. Whole despite the hole. That doesn't even make logical sense. And yet my heart feels that way. But then feelings don't always follow logic now do they.

And so as I sip my hot chocolate and warm my insides after my cold walk of the neighborhood, I am filled with love and gratitude for my blessings. For the blessing of the life that will imminently join our family. For the 14 months I was privileged to mother a celestial soul. For the friends, family, and neighbors who held me up through my greatest trial. And for the Savior who in His own time and His own miraculous way healed my heart.

Spring, in my book and in my heart, is a season for celebration.

Motherhood - Chapter 10 - Personal Gems

As a mother we get to be the discoverer of personal precious gems. When we bring a new life into the world we never know what exactly we are getting. Sure we can usually find out if the baby is a boy or a girl. But what kind of person is that baby going to be? Will the baby be the content baby who loves to sleep and never fusses? Or will he or she suffer from colic and cry all hours of the day and night? We just don't know until we get the baby here and discover this for ourselves.

As each child grows and develops, we find out more about their personality, how they think and what their strengths and weaknesses are. I can think of each of my older children and specifically pinpoint some of their strengths that fill my heart with joy. When I see them displaying these strengths I feel as if I am the luckiest mother in the world and I just want to burst with love and joy.

Granted, I can also think of some of their weaknesses and feel like I am totally failing as a mother because they have these behaviors I have not been able to teach out of them... yet I hope. But we are all like that - a mix of strengths and weaknesses. Even as adults we struggle to be our best selves and over come some of those weaknesses that would make our mother's cringe. Sometimes, when my children are displaying their weaker sides, I try to remember and remind them of their best selves and how much I love it when they choose to be that person instead. It helps me at least to remember exactly how wonderful they really are even when they aren't acting like it.

Lately I have been finding such great joy in discovering some of the precious gems of personality my son has innately brought with him from heaven. This age of almost 2 is such a time of growth and insight into the mind of a child. I never got to this stage with Camille. There is so much unknown about her to me. So much left to one day discover. So seeing this stage with Noble has been all the sweeter.

Some of my favorite discoveries as late about my little son Noble:

He is clean. I LOVE this. I mean I really, really LOVE this. Probably because it is not a gift with which I was innately blessed. Some of my kids take after me and just drop their things where they are and walk off. I have improved in this over the years but I still am not perfect at picking up after myself immediately.

Noble on the other hand, much like Ann Marie, likes things clean and orderly. He is quick to put his shoes away in the shoe caddy when he comes in the house. He will gladly put all his toys away. He runs to get a rag to wipe up anytime he spills water or anything else. When he has a stinky diaper he immediately goes over and gets a box of wipes and takes one out to try to wipe himself and then tells me "Mama, I stinky." He likes his nose and face and hands to be clean. If he is drawing and gets some marker or ink on his hand he will want it wiped off. He is happy to help clean any room. One of his favorite toys is the toy vacuum. He also loves the real vacuum and will pull it out and pretend to vacuum the floor. He is going to be a great cleaner someday.

He is obedient by nature. Some kids will do exactly the opposite of anything you tell them to do. If you say to go inside they run the other way. I have one like this. It almost works better to ask her to do the opposite of what you want her to do. But Noble is not like this. Lately we have been playing out in the street out front since the weather has been good. I have been pleasantly surprised at how obedient Noble is about going to the sidewalk and staying there whenever a car is coming. He also will turn his trike around and come back toward me when I call to him that he is going too far away. I find this unusually obedient. I don't even have to get up and go turn his bike around. He just comes back. I LOVE this. Especially when I am 9 months pregnant and it isn't so easy to get up and get him.

He is loving. He is starting to talk more and I love to hear him tell us that he loves us. I love that he is generous with his kisses. I love that when we say his prayers he remembers to say everyone in the families name, Camille and grandparents included. I love that he is loving to the baby dolls in our house and the stuffed animals. Maybe that isn't very "boy" but I think it is a good sign of a gentle nature which I count as a huge strength in a man.

I love discovering these gems in my son. And I love when I see a new one pop up in one of my daughters these days. Somehow they feel like priceless jewels in the crown of a mother's glory even though we really have nothing to do with creating them.

Here are a few photos of my little guy watching his favorite show and mine, Little Bear.

Oh I've been discovered taking photos!

Links and Update

I have been doing lots of sitting lately. So I have been checking my email frequently and visiting a few sites here and there. Here are a few sites that have come to my attention in my inbox that I want to share.

My friend Emily has started a new crafty type blog. I don't have that crafty talent but I enjoy seeing what others create (and buying it if I like it.) Emily makes yummy food and shares her recipes and cute crafty things that she sells or teaches others how to make on this new blog. If that sounds up your alley go check her out at HERE.

Another family is experiencing the crippling pain of fresh grief after their fourth daughter Samantha Marie died on Sunday. She was just 2 months old. Knowing full well the power of many prayers, I ask you to take a minute and say one now for this sweet family.

On a separate note, I had my 2nd to last Dr. appointment today. Nothing is happening. Snickerdoodle looks good but I am not having contractions and my body is not starting labor anytime soon. Oh well. I am still 8 days away from having this baby out of my insides and in my arms. That is the update from here. Happy St. Patty's day everyone!

Shuffle, Shuffle, Waddle, Waddle

With only 9 days left to go before we get to meet the little son making me hurt day and night, I am finally starting to get excited for a baby. Really, I have mostly been looking forward to the impending birth as an end of my pain. I haven't thought too much about the little baby we will be getting in trade. But as the time is growing near I have felt the need to get ready.

It seems each day it gets harder to walk or sleep or get up and down now so I have been trying to get things prepared before it gets worse. This weekend we picked up a crib from my mom and dad and a small dresser they weren't needing anymore. Jon put them up in Lauren's room. (She doesn't sleep there. But her clothes and things are there. She prefers to sleep with Annie and Sabrina in their room in their pull out trundle.)

I had purchased a couple of extra crib sheets for this second crib. So we put the new crib sheet on. Then a couple of days ago we moved Noble's sound machine and blankets and babies (he likes to sleep with 2 baby dolls) over to the new crib. He started sleeping in that room that day and was happy about the change. He helped Lauren to bring all his clothes over to the new dresser. He was excited. He loves to help. He seems to understand that this is his new room and his new dresser. I just wish it weren't a pink room. (Lauren's choice when we moved here.)

I have thought about painting it for him but as soon as the baby starts to sleep through the night Noble will be moving back into the nursery. So I figure he will just have to be in the "pink room" for about 9 months.

Today I laundered all the baby clothes and folded them and put them in the nursery dresser. I think that has really started getting me excited for the little guy who will soon be wearing them. They seem so tiny and yet I know so often those tiny clothes seem huge on a newborn.

The days pass one by one, though sometimes it seems time is standing still. I hear the words of Shakespeare echoing in my mind ... Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day. And yet I am treasuring each day, each moment with my little family and my little children as I see them growing and changing right before my eyes.

Shuffle, shuffle, waddle, waddle, I move forward with time as best I can day after endless day.

Strength and Humility

I come from a long line of very strong personalities. Not that all of them were without grace or tact, some of them had those gifts in abundance. But many of my progenitors were type A, Red, opinionated, leader type people. As you can imagine these genes have been passed down in varying degrees to my generation and I can even see them in my some of my children.

For the most part, I am grateful for this streak of genetic strength. I am grateful to read accounts of my ancestors sticking to their beliefs in the face of great trial. I smile to think of my great great grandfather being the first to volunteer to make a 100 mile trip to join the Mormon Battalion. And I am even more pleased that when the appointed time came to leave and make the trip to join the group and he was the only one to show up, he started out on his own.

I gain strength from reading accounts of another ancestor, a butcher by trade, who, though starving enough to be boiling and eating his leather saddle bag, would not slaughter a mule he was delivering from a friend to his wife.

But I think the stories of my ancestors that teach me the most and that to me show the most strength are when these strong leader type personalities submit humbly to correction or instruction. To me there is no greater strength than submitting humbly to the will of the Lord, especially when it goes against what your will is. I think this humility is a most Christ like characteristic. I strive to develop it more fully in my life.

When Jonathan and I got married, one of the best pieces of advice the person who sealed us gave us was, "remember it is more important to have peace in the home than to be right." That has been invaluable advice to me. I think following this advice takes that same type of humility. It is like obeying your parents even when the instruction they have given you seems or is unneeded or trivial.

I hope I can develop that attribute more fully so that I can be moldable and teachable in the Lord's hands. I can practice by more fully accepting the council of my husband and my ecclesiastical leaders. Whether it is my Relief Society President, my Bishop, my Stake President, or one of the General Authorities, I can make myself more teachable by following their counsel, even when I don't understand or even fully agree with it. To me, that is the ultimate show of strength.

Yesterday we had ward council and we were given counsel from our leaders that I could easily say, "well, that doesn't apply to me because I am 9 months pregnant and I have all these kids so I don't have time to do that." But my great, great grandfather also could have gone back home when he saw he was the only one who showed up to make the long journey to join the Mormon Battalion. It would have been reasonable to do so. But I think I will choose to make journey of obedience, regardless of my own feelings about the degree of importance of the counsel in my own life.

And when we have General Conference in a few weeks, perhaps I will be a bit more moldable and ready to receive the counsel that will be given to me then.

Motherhood - Chapter 9 - Heroes

Motherhood gives women a new inner fierceness that many don't even know they have. It is the "mama bear" fierceness. You only see the full effects of it when your child or children are in danger. And then you will surprise yourself at what you will do to protect and defend your child.

I remember the first time I felt this. Sabrina was just a toddler and Annie was a babe literally in my arms. We were in California out in front of our house playing with our neighbors across the street. I remember Sabrina was out in the street (I can't remember if she was just playing or had run out). Then a big huge truck came speeding down the street with no regard for the speed limit.

Here I was with my baby in my arms and I ran into the street to grab Sabrina. I am not sure if I expected I would be able to pick Sabrina up (because I couldn't have without dropping my baby) or if I was single handedly going to stop that truck. But at that moment, I just acted to get to my child regardless of my own safety. Luckily the truck saw me and slowed down in time for me to get Sabrina out of the street. And then I thought how stupid it was for me to put all three of us in the path of the truck. But I guess it ended up a good thing since the truck saw me easier than it would have a little toddler.

Yesterday my sister-in-law Nikki wrote to me about a hero of a mother, Kim Beck, who was not as lucky. She had all 5 of her kids aged 10 and under in her van. She saw the family dog out and took the van out of gear and jumped out to grab the dog and put him away. In the midst of that, she realized with horror that only a mother can imagine that her van was rolling backward in Neutral instead of Park.

She jumped behind the van to stop it. I am sure she felt that Mother Bear instinct that I felt that day jumping out into the street in front of that speeding truck. But she was not strong enough to stand against all the weight of the van. It ran over her and stopped on top of her chest. All the children were safe, but Kim was not. She was pronounced brain dead in the hospital and her organs, including her mother heart were donated to save other lives.

To me this woman epitomizes a Mother Hero. She acted to save her children. She died doing so. And then she continued to save lives after her death by donating her organs. I am so saddened for her husband, children, siblings and parents who must face the days, weeks, months, and years ahead without her. I hope those reading will go read about Kim HERE and show her family some love at this time of such great pain and grief.

36th Week: Guess Snickerdoodle's stats

Tomorrow I will be 37 weeks pregnant. When I made Noble's baby book I got to see a photo of myself at 36 weeks pregnant with Noble. Here is that photo for you all:

So just for comparison I took some photos of myself at 36 weeks and 2 days with this little Snickerdoodle. Here are a couple of those:

The first one is Jon's view and the second I took of myself, obviously,  in the mirror. Note my hair. Later that day I went to see my sister in law Diana and she chopped it off for me.

Here is what I look like this morning, a day before 37 weeks:

Here is a closer up on the new hair.

So today I am 16 days away from giving birth. I am officially due on March 31st. I have never had a baby before my due date. I don't really want to have another baby in April. That is the month Camille was born and I want to save that month as hers. I like to focus the month on Easter and Camille. Jon and my anniversary is March 27th. So I have decided that I am going to have the doctor induce me on March 25th. I would rather spend the next 18 years planning birthday parties before my anniversary and then being able to relax and enjoy time with Jonathan rather than spending my anniversary stressing out about a birthday party.

I know it sounds silly to induce for all those reasons, but I live so far from the hospital that the Dr. wants to induce me anyway and I am in so much pain with this pregnancy that I am fully voting for the sooner the better. Some mornings I wake up and think, "geez, can I just get the epidural now?" Noble's pregnancy was so much easier. I was so much stronger and in so much less physical pain. Doing pilates really helped me physically with that pregnancy. This one I was sick for so long that by the time I felt well enough to get back to pilates I was already 7 months and didn't feel good about starting to exercise at that point.

Anyway, so I scheduled to be induced at 4 a.m. on March 25th. I will be 39 weeks and 1 day. My last 3 babies I have been just a couple days over my due date. Noble was 8 lbs. 12 ozs. Camille was 7 lbs. 7 ozs. and Lauren was 9 lbs. 4 ozs. I was a full week over my due date with Ann Marie and she was 8 lbs. 6 ozs. and Sabrina's due date was questionable but she was 7 lbs. 14 ozs. Their heights ranged from 19 to 21.5 inches.

So does anyone want to guess how big this baby will be? Let's see who can guess closest!

Motherhood - Chapter 8 - Memory

Several weeks ago my husband and I watched an episode of 60 minutes where they highlighted people who could remember every waking minute of their lives in perfect detail. They could remember what they had for dinner on any insignificant day of any year and what they were thinking and whom they were with and what was said by everyone at the table.

In some ways this seemed like a super power. It was really incredible. Most everyone who they had found who had this gift (I think there were about 6) loved having it. Sure there were some negatives. Like the fact that if someone asked them about an emotionally difficult day or time of their life, they would refeel all those feelings as if they were right back in that moment. But they also got to relive all the happy moments in the same way too.

I have to admit, I went to sleep a bit envious that night. How I wish I could remember every sweet and precious moment of my motherhood experience. Of course I feel this way especially about my time with Camille. Without new memories to create everyday, I feel like in my fading memory I lose a shade of her more every day.

But I would love also to remember in perfect detail lots of little details like pretty much every moment of holding Sabrina when she was newly born. I would love to be able to recall with perfect detail Annie's voice and all the words and reason she used when she was just a year old. I would love to be able to hear Lauren's little girl voice in my head at any given moment. And I would remember every minute of Noble's cuteness right now.

This morning as I woke I had a memory come back to me. It is not a perfect memory. I don't remember even which year it was 2006 or 2007. I am pretty sure it was 2007 and I am pretty sure it was in the late spring of that year. But I unfortunately do not have perfect recall. We were living at my parents house and they were on their mission in Kenya.

What I do remember is that the grass in their extensive backyard was a bit long and blooming. It was a beautiful day weather wise. (Which pretty much means it had to be Spring sometime.) The girls and I were outside in the backyard and there were hundreds of ladybugs all flying around in the grass. It was magical. It was a sweet day and I wish so much that I could remember this and all the other sweet simple moments of motherhood with perfect detail.

I believe that someday I will have this gift. I believe we all will. Someday when this mortal life is behind us, I believe we will be able to perfectly recall every moment of our mortal lives. I look forward to that day. And that makes me think about something one of these women with perfect autobiographical recall said about how this gift has affected the way she lives her life. She said that she tries to make every moment count, because every moment is one she will remember forever so she tries to make the most of them.

I could do better at that. Every moment is one that one day I will remember. My moments are finite. My moments with my children here in my home and at these ages are gone as soon as they are experienced. I want to be better about making the most of these moments so that my memories will be sweet. And hopefully by writing some of them down I will be better able to remember a few of them while here in this life.

Top Book Picks

Thanks for all the great book suggestions. Someone suggested a post on my favorite books. I found it highly interesting that some of my favorite books were included in some of the suggestions that came in from some of you with wonderful literary taste. :)

In trying to think of my top 5 favorite books I got a little anxious because I like several different genres of books and it is hard to compare a classic to a quick read the I love. Does that make sense? So I am going to do my top books in various categories instead. It just helps me organize my brain better and it will let you know the genre and if you like that genre you can look into it more.

So let's start with "The Classics"
1) East of Eden by Steinbeck
2) Grapes of Wrath by Steinbeck
3) Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin
4) Much Ado About Nothing by Shakespeare
5) Great Expectations by Dickens
6) Little Women by Alcott

Historical Fiction:
1) These Is My Words by Nancy Turner
2) The Agony and The Ecstasy by Irving Stone
3) The Work and the Glory Series by Lund
4) The Tennis Shoes Series by Heimerdinger

Biography:
1) John Adams by David McCullough
2) Truman also by McCullough
3) The Blind Side by Michael Lewis
4) The Message by Lance Richardson

Teen / Fantasy / Science Fiction:
1) Twilight Series
2) The Hunger Games Series
3) Maze Runner Series
4) I am Number Four
5) The Mistborn Series
6) Harry Potter Series

I could probably keep adding to these lists for quite a while. But I have to pick up the Kindergarten crew from school now so I will stop. I am going to look into the Ladies Detective agency as many of you suggested that. I also picked up a couple of the other books you suggested. Looking forward to reading them.

Chain Emails - What to think about when sitting.

What do you do when you get one of those chain emails? I have gotten these countless times from lots of my good friends over the years. Years ago when I first got them and if they were something I thought might be a good idea (like the recipe exchange one) I would go ahead and send them along. But I never once got a single thing back from them.

So then when I got them I felt bad not keeping up the chain because I didn't want to let the person down who was expecting something but I also didn't want to obligate any of my friends to keep the chain going. I came up with a new solution. Now when I get one of these I email back the person who sent it to me and tell them I just don't do any chain things and if it is for a recipe thing or something simple like that I send a couple of recipes along with my email so they can get something out of it.

What do you do? And who starts these things?

I know this is a random post but it is what popped into my head when I was thinking about what to write about today. I have spent much of today sitting. I sit a lot lately. My pelvis is coming apart and it hurts to walk or do anything else that requires me to lift one leg without the other. So I have been sitting.

I need a good book to read. I just ordered a few off Amazon. Some Deeanne Gist novels I haven't read. I like her books because they are set in historical settings and they are clean. I also ordered another that Amazon recommended. We'll see about that one.

Other than that I have watched my fair share of Little Bear with Noble. He is napping now. I am obviously scrapping for blogging subjects. Any suggestions?

It is March!!!

I don't think I have been this excited to welcome the month of March since 1999 when I knew I was getting married in March. I have been singing and dancing "24 days till we have a baby! 24 more days!" all around the house and to the kids this morning.

So bring it on March winds and March madness and March everything else. I welcome you all!

Know Thyself

Tonight I talked to my mom for a while. She spent the day going through a filing cabinet of her father's papers deciding what to keep and what to toss. She found so many of the talks he had written and given and letters from him to friends of his that were so beautifully written they brought her to tears. She found important papers like marriage certificates and letters he received that meant enough to him to keep.

Our conversation has had me thinking about my grandfather tonight. I had always admired him as a kid because he served as a U.S. Senator during WWII. But the things my mother shared with me tonight - the things he felt were important enough for him to keep till his dying day - were not letters from the President or invitations to the White House. They were more personal- church talks and eulogies, letters to friends.

My grandparents lived in town. I was always really close with my grandmother. She oozed love. But Grandad was intimidating to me as a little kid and I never felt a real closeness to him even as I grew older. I mean I loved him and I respected him tremendously. But he wasn't the kind of grandpa I went to talk to about how I was feeling or anything.

Talking to my mom tonight has given me a bit of a new perspective on who my grandfather really was and what was really important to him. And in learning more about him, I feel as though I am learning more about myself and who I ought to be. I find it amazing how learning more about our ancestors can really help us know ourselves better.

I feel blessed to have a bit of him living in me, not because of any job he had or title he held, but because of his firmness of faith, his charitable heart, and his ability to write his feelings. Even though he lived until I was 24 and I knew him all those 24 years, I feel in some ways that I have come to know him better in the years since his death, particularly the past 3 years than I ever did while he was alive. I have felt his love and support more. Perhaps because I have needed it more.

It is a sweet note in a bitter trial to grow closer to and know more fully those who watch over you from heaven.

My Princess

My mother gave Ann Marie a journal for her baptism. I had her sit down and write out how she felt that day and what she could remember about the day before she went to bed that night. One thing she wrote struck me. She wrote that when she was being confirmed a member of the LDS church and given the gift of the Holy Ghost she felt like she was in a castle.

I loved this observation of hers. If you have never seen someone confirmed - the person being confirmed usually sits on a chair and those confirming him or her stand around the person with their hands placed upon the person's head. In Annie's case, there were several people participating in this confirmation. Her father gave the blessing but he was joined by her grandfathers and several uncle's in doing so. So all these men (at least 7 of them) stood in a circle around her with their hands on her head. She was in a way surrounded by these stone pillars of the priesthood. How fitting that she should say she felt as if she were in a castle.

Her description inspired me to write a little something to help her remember this feeling and how on point her feeling was. It isn't the masterpiece I wish it were. But it is better than nothing written at all.

My Princess

Little girl dressed all in white, a true princess clean and pure.
You sit in a tower of priesthood stone, feeling sublimely secure.
Hands placed upon your head, crown you with Heaven's gift.
A comforter to be your friend and always give you a lift.

Here you are safe.
Here you are sure.
Here you are surrounded
By love,
By faith,
By family,

Out into the world you now must go, outside of your castle walls.
Choosing daily between good and bad, defining just who you will be.
Oh remember the princess you are, and the Friend who is yours to seek.
Keep Him with you to guide you Home and you will always be free.

Motherhood - Chapter 7 - Pain and Pleasure

It is 3 am. I have been up for the last 70 minutes with pain in my lower belly area keeping me from going back to sleep. I got up and took a couple of Tylenol about 50 minutes ago. I was hoping this would help and I could go back to sleep. Obviously that didn't work so well.

Maybe I will turn on Little Bear. That show always makes me sleepy. Noble likes that show and will sit on my lap through almost 15 minutes of it. It is a sweet time of day for me because I get some sleepy cuddle time with him, even if it is only for 15 minutes.

"30 days. I can do it right? 30 days." This is what I say to myself and the girls tonight as I soaked my aches in the bath. "Tell me I can do it girls. 30 days." They are good cheerleaders. They tell me I have come so far and I can totally do it. Then they sit with me on my bed after I get out of the bath and lotion my legs and feet and scratch and "massage" my back while I read to them.

There is great love in the room. Even my 5 year old can feel it. In a break from reading we talk about how we can feel Camille with us at times like this. Lauren notes how she can feel it Camille right then because of how loving we are all being to each other. We all feel it. And even through my physical pain, I know that this is the reason I suffer - so that I may have more of the sweetness of such experiences with my children.

Our first mother Eve knew there would be pain involved when she partook of that forbidden fruit. But she chose to suffer so that she could also know the sweet pleasure of posterity. And so motherhood is an eternal balance between the sublimest of pleasures and the severest of pains.

Motherhood - Chapter 6 - Distance

I have been thinking about the transitions we go through in life that put more distance between us and our mothers or between us and our children. Some of these transitions are gradual like a child starting school. Some of them are more abrupt like a child moving out of our home or out of our state.

It is a good thing to raise children who are independent and can stand on their own two feet in the world. After all, the time will likely come when they will have to. Ultimately death will be the great divider that will distance us from our children. And as much as we will hate to endure the separation, we will have to prepare ourselves to live without our parents and our children to one day live without us.

Knowing this reality doesn't make taking even the most gradual steps of distance away from out parents or offspring any easier. Even when the "closeness" becomes uncomfortable or even downright painful and the distance is greatly desired, it is still accompanied with mixed feelings and often nostalgia.

The same is often true on the reverse side from a child's perspective. I know each of my moves further from my parents has come with tears even when I was excited about the new adventure upon which I was embarking.  College, law school, marriage -- each step was a step further from my childhood and my life at home with my parents.

And so as I enter my ninth month of pregnancy, I think once more of one of my favorite poems by Carol Lynn Pearson. It reminds me that no matter the distance between a mother and her child, the bonds of mother love can and will always keep us close.

The Ninth Month

Being a duplex
I have been happy, my dear,
To loan you half the house
Rent-free and furnished
As best I could.

You have been a good
Tenant, all in all
Quiet, yet comfortably there
Tapping friendly on the wall.

But I hear
You have outgrown the place
And are packing up to move.
Well, I will miss
The sweet proximity.
But we will keep in touch.
There are bonds, my dear,
That reach beyond a block
Or a mile or a hemisphere
Born of much love and labor.

I approve the move
And gladly turn from landlady
To neighbor.
--Carol Lynn Pearson

On One Hand

I can now count on one hand the number of weeks till I deliver this baby. That makes me happy. I feel all full of baby. I can feel all the body parts shifting and moving trying to get comfy in there. Getting comfy is no longer an easy task for either of us.

I can also count on one hand the number of doctor appointments I will have before I have the baby. One hand it good.

I need to put Noble's baby book together tomorrow. I told myself I would get it done before I had this baby.  :) I figure I better get moving on that commitment. I have everything ready to do it. I just have to compile all my blog entries on him and my pregnancy and print them out to put in the book. Tomorrow. Gonna do it.

I also need to put together my 2010 blog book. Not sure when I am going to get to that. Hopefully sometime before fall? For now I am running around after my mischievous Noble getting him out of trouble right and left. Which I have to do now. More on my Motherhood series coming up soon...

My Little Valentines

We had a great Valentine's day filled with fun surprises yesterday. Jon and the girls surprised me with a bed filled with candy hearts and little Valentine's cards and a nice gift of chocolates and pampering things like bath salts and lotions and a book. It was a perfect relaxation package.

I made white chocolate covered strawberries for Jonathan. They are one of his favorite things. I sent surprise "vala-grams" to the girls through the school. I usually never send thing through the school so they were really surprised and happy about that. I made them special chocolate croissants for breakfast and they came home to a lovely classic valentine's gift from mom and dad.

Who doesn't love flowers for Valentine's day? I went to Trader Joe's and picked up a bunch of each person's flowers. While I was there, I saw the Calla Lilies with the shock of white on top and with Noble sitting in the cart next to me with his shock of white hair on top ... well I just made the impromptu decision to make Calla Lilies represent him. He may not like flowers but it will be something I can give myself to remember him. He still reminds me of a puppy but I can't exactly give him puppy things every Valentine's Day or birthday. We don't even have a dog and probably never will so... Calla Lilies it is.

Tulips for Camille in Valentine colors.

Roses for Ann Marie.

Strong tall pure Calla Lilies for Noble.

Bright happy colorful Gerber Daisies for Sabrina.

And fun vibrant Star Gazer Lilies for Lauren. 

Hopefully these will open up today. 

The girls were thrilled by their flowers and all those flowers just make me happy every time I walk by them. They remind me of all the many beautiful gifts my Father and Heaven has blessed me to have in my home.

Motherhood - Chapter 5 - Community Service

When I was in law school, I grew to love a family of children who lived a few miles from me. The Jenkins were a family of 14 children though I only ever knew 5 of them. The other 9 were in foster care. They all had the same mother but different fathers. The 5 I knew and loved were being raised by their wheelchair bound grandmother as their mother and varied fathers were all in prison.

Somehow I started taking them to church every Sunday. And I sat with them through Sacrament meeting. I taught several of them in seminary and others in primary. They lived in one of DC's rougher neighborhoods. The oldest was 16 and already had a juvenile record. I tried to inspire them every week that they could avoid that life and be more if they would follow the teachings of Christ and apply themselves in their education.

I am not sure whatever became of these children. I still love them. I am a little afraid to know what became of them. There is only so much someone outside the home can do to help someone out of such circumstances. But this experience changed the way I looked at motherhood.

I remember distinctly walking through the ghetto to work one morning and thinking to myself about how sad it was that these 14 spirits had to come to earth in such hard circumstances. I felt so blessed to have been born to good parents who loved me and took care of me and taught me to be honest and to have basic values. I thought about how there are so very many good parents out in the world today, but very few of them have 14 children. What is the average now? 2.3?

This was back when Jonathan and I were nothing more than friends. But I knew he would be an excellent father and I knew that if he and I ever did get together we would make a great partnership as a couple and as parents. I said to myself in that moment, "If I ever married Jon Waite, I think I would have 12 kids. I would want to give as many spirits as I could the chance to come to a home with stable parents who love each other and would love and teach them truth and goodness."

Now my whole idea about the number 12 has been rather altered :) by reality and experience. But this line of thinking changed my perceptions of motherhood. I now see that being a good mother is the greatest act of community service we can do.

I practiced criminal defense law for a year before I had Sabrina. I look at my transition from that life to motherhood as a shift from damage control to prevention. Good mothers everywhere - whether they work outside the home or not - are all engaged in that great community service. We are doing the best we can to raise up productive, honest, contributing members of our society. We are investing our efforts into the literal creation of a brighter future for our society.

In a world that sometimes seems so dark and troubled, I don't know of any better way I can serve help it than to bring more good people into it and teach them to share their goodness with others. So to all you mothers out there who are loving your children and taking care of them every day, teaching them right from wrong -- THANK you for the great act of community service you are doing day by day, year by year.