Talking It Out

Jonathan and I drove up to the Cabin with the kids for Thanksgiving. Along the way I talked to him about some of the ways I feel I have changed since Camille died. I do feel like I have changed for the better in so many ways, but some of the changes I don't like. They worry me. They are not easy to discuss. It makes me cry to talk about them.

The issue we discussed this trip is how guarded I feel now. I feel so much less open. I have a hard time maintaining eye contact with people close to me but not in my little family. We talked about all the reasons I may feel this way.

Sometimes I think if I look at someone who knows me really well for too long they will see the hurt that is still there. I don't want them to see the hurt. I don't want them to hurt because I am hurting.

I don't feel that way with my husband and children. They share the pain I feel. It is a common pool from which we all drink. I don't need to hide it or acknowledge it to them. It is just there. I know it. They know it.

So Jon and I had what was for me a teary conversation about this on our late night drive. Then we spent the weekend with my parents, my sister's family, and Elder Sitati's family (friends of my parents from Kenya.) And the whole weekend I did not feel that inhibition. I had no problems maintaining eye contact.

I guess we will see if this continues but I told Jon on the way home that he was a great counselor and I guess I should use him more often to talk things out.

Sucked In

I have been away on vacation again -- book vacation. It had been months since I had treated myself to the pleasure of diving in to a gripping novel. Last week one of my miamaids gave me a copy of Hunger Games to read. That night I read for an hour. I finished it the next night after being totally sucked in.

It was a great read. I am looking forward to getting the second book to start. Gabby you out there? Are you going to be home this week? I need #2!

Then yesterday I plowed through a terribly wonderful book called Walk Two Moons. My friend and neighbor lent that one to me. It was very well written and powerful as well. But it did make me cry more than I would have liked to last night. The birds of sadness were nesting in my hair last night after reading it.

I love reading. I think when all my kids are in school I am going to take a couple months and just read all day while they are gone. :) Because then there will be nothing else that I HAVE to do right? ;) Right.

Happy Thanksgiving Week Everyone! And Gabby, I am serious, Book 2 -- I need it!

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Edited a few hours later -- Thanks Gabby! I will be enjoying Book 2 now!

Grateful

I am at 12 of my 16 reps of double leg reverse kicks at Pilates this morning when my instructor says, "four more!"

I am feeling the burn in my abs each time I crunch up and kick my legs out to a 45 degree angle while pulling my hands to my hips and extending the springs attached to the straps they are holding. I feel the burn and it feels great. I feel strong. I am feeling centered.

"How about we do four more after the four more," I reply between breaths.

She has me do a new set of 16 instead. It is a new exercise I haven't done before. My legs shake as I struggle to keep them straight while lowering them to a 45 degree angle and lifting them back to a 90 angle. This time she has me hold the crunch while my legs shake in protest.

My abs have had it and we move to arms. We try new exercises there as well. The legs get their turn and throughout the routine I am enjoying the burn I feel and the growing strength I can see in my abilities. I add more weight to the springs to challenge myself and see if I can do it. And I can.

I am aware of my muscles the rest of the day. I feel them working in everything I do and I am grateful. Grateful for a body that can. Grateful that my center has been restored after an off day on Wednesday. Grateful to feel muscles and lungs and a heart in the space that was a gaping hole in the middle of me not so long ago.

Just Grateful.

Ditto to all the things mentioned in this video as well.

My Article in the Paper

The following is the article I submitted to the paper for the National Family Week Insert. It is the second article in the insert if you get the paper. Here it is for the rest of you who don't get the RJ.

My most cherished childhood Christmas present wasn’t wrapped in a pretty box or purchased at a fancy store. My favorite Christmas memory was the year my parents did a completely homemade Christmas.

I spent several afternoons at my grandmother’s house that fall. She helped me paint porcelain gifts for my parents, friends and siblings. Meanwhile my whole family was busy at home making a present for me.

Each of my siblings also got handmade gifts. Santa brought bulletin boards to frame each child’s treasures. My older sister received shadow boxes to showcase her dolls. We made wooden blocks for my younger twin brothers. My older brother still has the wooden puzzle of his name that we made for him. He even made one similar to it for his own son a few Christmases ago.

But I think my present was the best of all. Under a sheet with a bow on it Christmas morning was a homemade Barbie dollhouse. It had four rooms. The walls were wallpapered with extra wallpaper from our house. The floors were carpeted with extra carpet fragments. It was totally unique and the coolest toy on the block. I loved that each member of my family helped make it for me.

With money being tight this year, this may be a good Christmas to get creative and go homemade. While I am not crafty by nature, I have been taking sewing classes and I know people who can help me make fun wooden creations.

With all the crafty blogs and websites out there, it has never been easier to find and learn how to make wonderful gifts. The best gifts are the ones that show you how much you are loved. Thoughtful handmade gifts can show our love without the high price tag.

Family Week

Every year our local newspaper includes a special section for National Family Week. It is right around Thanksgiving. It is in today's Review Journal wrapped around the Classifieds. Each year there is a different theme to the section but it is always about families. This year it is focused on families getting back to basics in tough economic times.

This year it is a slim insert. In the past it has been 16 pages or so. This year it is just four full pages of the paper which they have divided into 8 half pages -- the economy.

This is an important insert and it promotes strong families in our community. The strength of our society is determined by the strength of our families. In a world where families are being torn apart, technologically distanced, and redefined we need to do all we can to support strong families.

So, if you get the paper, I encourage you to read the insert. Then let the companies who paid for the insert with their ads know that you appreciate their support.

Let's Bring Family Back!

Party Tonight!

It is my Dad's birthday today. My invincible, charismatic, knows everything father is 73 today. And in true Harris fashion, he is still up in the trees picking pomegranates, moving rocks at the cabin, building and fixing things nearly every waking minute.

The other day my kids were talking about how their Grandpas were different from each other. At first they said that Grandpa Harris was different because he liked to work. I pointed out that Grandpa Waite works a lot! Then Sabrina summed it up perfectly. "Yes but Grandpa Waite likes to work on a computer and Grandpa Harris likes to work with tools."

I am grateful for a father who all my life has taught me about my Father in Heaven by his own example. I have always known my Heavenly Father loves me because I knew how much my Dad loved me. I can't imagine my Heavenly Father would love me any less. And just as my Dad has been there for me to help me out every time I have called him, so my Heavenly Father has been there for me as well. Every time I call upon them for help I get a miracle of one sort or another.

Tonight we will be celebrating with my Dad and his chocolate cake that he has been dreaming about making. Afterward I am hoping to see some friends show up for So You Think You Can Dance tonight. We will start the show at 9 p.m. tonight. Hope to see you there.

17 Months

Yesterday we cleaned the house -- deep cleaned. We all worked really hard. Then we got out the Christmas tree and set it up. Then Dad brought in our new Camille Christmas tree. I bought it after Christmas last year to hold all the angel ornaments. The girls wanted to decorate it.

One by one I unwrapped each ornament and the girls placed them on Camille's tree. With each one I felt the love of the person who took the time to find or make or buy the angel and send it to us. There was so much love in the room. I was so thankful again for all of you who sent us ornaments last year. It was so wonderful to think of Camille -- our own family angel -- as we decorated her tree.

After the tree was decorated we took the girls to Red Robin for dinner with friends. There we ran in to other friends. We saw a family there that we hadn't seen for a long time. Their "baby" was now a kid. The last time we saw them he was a newborn just weeks old. The last time we saw them was when they came to visit us in Camille's hospital room. I was so happy to see her new baby and get to hold him for a minute. I was so happy to hold a baby who moved. I was so aching to have my baby move.

And last night there was this newborn all grown into a kid.

I knew this weekend marked a "Friday the 13th." June 13, 2008 was also a Friday. I never really noticed or cared about Friday the 13ths before. I don't like them so much now. And today is Sunday the 15th. Today is 17 months. Babies born 17 months ago look like little kids now. And my heart - shattered 17 months ago -- is healing well. It is still sore at times, the tears still come easily. But I am healing.

It seems that first year, and especially the first 6 months or so of grief you are in a cocoon of love. At first the angels are so present all around you and the veil is so thin. They help you survive. They are like life support to you. They protect your heart from literally bursting.

In time you feel that heavenly cocoon wear away. But there is still a cocoon of friendship and family that surround and support you. They still hold your heart tenderly in their thoughts and prayers. But one by one, as time passes, there are new emergencies to think of and other problems to pray about. After a while the cocoon of support wears away and little by little we must make our way in the air. I feel I am out of the "cocoon" of new grief and mostly I find my new wings are keeping me in the air. And with these wings I intend to fly forward, not back.

6 Months

The other day I walked into my room and found Annie and Noble playing. It was such a wonderful site. The joy was just emanating from both of their faces. I am so thankful for how healing Noble has been for my girls. Now that he is older and less cranky he has really begun to love all the attention they give him.

He is sitting up really well on his own now. He turned 6 months last week. This makes it so much easier for him to play with toys. He is not much of a roller though. He has rolled over once each way as I noted in previous posts, but he hasn't rolled on his own since then. I think he tried it and didn't like it so well. I think he will be crawling before it is rolling over well.

As Noble gets closer to the age Camille was, she is fresher in my mind. Sometimes I am feeding Noble and then suddenly I am back two years ago feeding Camille. I constantly have to remind myself that he is only 6 months and can't eat foods that Camille could eat. I have never had this happen with my other children. I guess because the older child was right there next to me. But often I find myself almost caught away back to doing the same thing (feeding, rocking, nursing, loving) with Camille. I wonder what it will be like for me when Noble is older than Camille ever was.

I see my friends with children that were the same age as Camille. I have several friends who had babies within weeks of Camille. Now they are all two and talking and walking and being little people. When I look at them it is hard to imagine what Camille would have been like. I do not think of her so much when I see them. I do not know her at that age.

But I do think of her when I see a 14 month old. Perhaps I will forever have a soft spot in my heart for that age. At least until I am able to hold my 14 month old again. But for now I will be holding and loving my 6 month old and enjoying every minute of his babyhood.

In the Trees

I have been up in the trees a lot lately I guess. Last week we did the annual pomegranate picking at my parents house.

The girls loved helping out.

We ended up with lots of pomegranates to juice.

This was, however, the smallest crop we have ever had as my dad severely pruned the largest tree late in the season. We only had the wheelbarrow and about 3 boxes. We usually have double that,

But at the end of the day things lined up nicely.

Decorating

It is getting to be that time of year again. I am trying to get my home organized and cleaned so I can start decorating indoors. Till then I have to settle for doing a little outdoor decor.

Those coming over tonight will find a new way to "find" my house. It is the one with the really brightly light tree out front. Jon says it looks too bright like the Chevy Chase movie. I think it needs more lights at the top, but I can only safely reach so high.

Hopefully we will have the house organized and clean by next week so we can put the Christmas tree up. I want all my Christmas decorating to be done before we go to the cabin for Thanksgiving. Then I can focus on gifting, baking and making magic in December.

So You Think You Can Dance

Party tomorrow night at my house begins at 8:30. We wills start the show promptly at 9. Wrap up at 10:30. I am experimenting with Mascarpone cheese triple chocolate cookies. It is going to be a good time. PJs welcome. Hope to see you then!

"Thank You!"

Have you ever been holding a baby in your arms and felt so incredibly grateful for that sweet moment that the words "Thank You" just explode from your mouth without thought?

I have now.

When the missing weighs heavy on my heart I find myself counting my blessings with greater appreciation.

There is still a part of my psyche that reruns the events surrounding Camille's accident over and over trying to make the outcome different. It doesn't happen constantly like it used to, thankfully, but it is also not infrequent. Several times a week, and some weeks more than others, those events replay in my mind trying to come to a different end.

And while I am crushed each time I realize and remember what is lost, I am quickly reminded what I have gained. As I held Noble in my arms before putting him to bed the other night my aching heart just burst in gratitude for the little boy in my arms. And out of my lips came the words "Thank you!" Thank you to my loving Father in Heaven who has blessed me over and over again. He fills my empty arms so well.

Great Ideas

A couple of weeks ago I felt like I needed a little special alone time with Sabrina. So I went to school and kidnapped her for a special "brunch" date with her mom. She wanted pancakes and we went to a local breakfast place. She ordered some yummy pumpkin chocolate chip pancakes and I got a veggie version of Egg's Benedict. We had a great time together, made a lasting memory, and we had her back to school in an hour.

I remember as a kid my mother would once in a while get everyone off to school and hold one kid back and take them out for a special breakfast at sit down restaurant. Back then we went to the Country Inn. I always ordered the scones. These were not English scones. They were country style deep fried bread dough served hot with honey and butter. They were an absolute FAVORITE dish of mine as a child. Let's face it, they still are now but I just don't treat myself to them as often.

I love this tradition of taking kids out of school for an hour once in a while to spend some special alone time. Because they are taken out of school it makes it more special and more memorable.

Today my friend Chris Herrin (the Bouchon Pastry Chef in the Venetian Hotel here) posted on his blog about a few fabulous ideas for his upcoming restaurant. He wants to have a mug locker for regulars. You bring in a favorite mug and then when you come in they serve you in your own mug.

I can already see my kids when I take them to breakfast there. Picture it with me. We go in and they order hot cocoa with homemade marshmallows. When their order comes it is served in a mug I have hand painted that has their name on it. I have already reserved my locker at the upcoming Hen and the Baker restaurant. You can reserve yours by going over to Chris's blog and posting a comment for him on the latest post.

I am also thinking we will be regulars for kids "happy hour" when kids only can get hot out of the oven cookies after school. Geez, I am getting hungry just writing about this because I know exactly how good Chris's cookies are. I am a big fan of his chocolate chip cookies and my favorite are new take on Oreos (dark chocolate shortbread cookies with white chocolate ganache in the middle).

Okay now that my mouth is watering and I am seriously considering a trip to the Venetian ... I think I better go. Go let Chris know what you think of his ideas!

Color Me Flattered!

We went to our Halloween Trunk or Treat last week. I mentioned on here that I was making chili for it. I guess it was a contest. I didn't know that when I signed up to bring chili. I played around with my Uncle Dave's recipe quite a bit and added beans to it because ... well because I like beans. It was pretty experimental in the end.

Imagine my surprise when someone told me I won the Chili Cook Off! Craziness! I won a gift card to Great Harvest which I am excited to use. I love their bread.

A couple of people have requested the recipe so here it is (at least as close as I can recall.)

Winning Chili

1# ground beef

2.5# ground lamb (I got this at Whole Foods but you can often find in a good grocery store. If not available substitute with ground or stew beef)

2 medium white onions diced

One large can black beans

One 14 oz. can of pinto beans

3 large cans crushed tomatoes

1 can diced tomatoes

1 can tomato paste

1 bag (about 3 cups) uncooked pearl barley

1T Oregano

3-4 cloves garlic minced

3-4 T Ground Cumin

1-3T Ground Chili Pepper

1 T Chipotle Chili Pepper

4 cups water

4 cups beef broth

2 t beef base

Brown Meats in fry pan. Remove meat and saute onions till tender. Add Garlic for a minute. Put meat, onions, garlic, and all other ingredients in a crock pot and cook for a day on low. The longer it is together the better it is.

You may have to adjust the seasoning to your taste. I don't like things very hot so if you like lots of spice you can bump up the chili powders.

Serve with half a lime juiced over the top and jack cheese on top too. YUMMY!

In other news, if you get the BYU law alumni magazine named CM or Clark Memorandum (I don't get this but for some reason my dad does even though he went to law school at the U) check out the article by Elder Cook "Latter Day Saint Lawyers and the Public Square." He talks about me and this blog at the very end. I kinda wonder if he knows I am a lawyer?

Thanks to the judges of the chili contest for liking my chili. Thanks to Elder Cook for the very nice things he said about me and thanks to whomever told him about my blog.

Color me totally flattered!

Little Moments

One thing I wish I had recorded about Camille, were some of the little moments of tenderness between us. The joy in motherhood is most intense in small simple little moments.

I had one of those moments today. This time I am writing it down so that some day when this little baby boy of mine is a big hairy man I can remember the sweet little moment we shared today.

It was nearly 3 p.m. Noble had been asleep for almost 3 hours. That is exceedingly long for him. I began to worry as we mother's often do. But I told myself not to be paranoid and that he was very tired before his nap. Minutes later I heard his waking up cry.

As soon as I had the little guy in my arms he reached his hands out and grabbed my face and nuzzled down into me. It felt as if he was giving me a big hug for the first time. I could feel the love he had for me and it warmed me from head to toe.

I loved and kissed his little face and then he sat on my lap and held my hand and together we rocked. He was calm and peaceful and completely content to sit and rock with his mama.

This was one of the moments that make motherhood sacred.

Party Tonight!

Hello Ladies! So You Think You Can Dance party at my house tonight at 8:30. Show starts promptly at 9. We should finish the show by 10:30. I will have something yummy to eat. Savory this week. Come watch with us! It will be fun! PJs welcome!

Good and Tired

It is 7:30 p.m. To me it feels like 11:30 p.m. For some reason today has felt exceedingly long. At one point today I though to myself, "surely it must be dinner time!" I looked at the clock. It was noon. I already felt as if I had lived an entire day in the hours from waking up at 7 am till noon.

Moments ago I tucked my little girls in their beds and went to nurse Noble back to sleep because they had woken him up. I sat on Lauren's bed watching Sabrina read her Nancy Drew book and waiting for Lauren to come back with her blankie so I could kiss her good night. I was tired. I felt that exhaustion from the day. And I thought to myself, "what a wonderful time of my life this is."

Someday they will be reading Twilight instead of Nancy Drew. Someday they will not ask me to stay and snuggle them a little longer. Someday my arms will not be tired from carrying little people. Someday there will be baby left to nurse. Someday there will be no little cheeks needing goodnight kisses before they can sleep. Someday ... but not today.

And today I find joy in the cheeks, and the kisses, and cuddles, and innocence. And today I welcome the clinging, and the whining, and the dirty clothes and hands and feet. Today I welcome the mouths that need me to feed them and the bodies that need me to hold them. Today I welcome the exhaustion of motherhood.

I used to think I just had to "get through" this period of motherhood. Babies are so much work. I used to think of the first year as the sacrifice you give to get the joy of the child that a baby becomes. But that was before.

I still think children get more and more fun the older they get (so far at least). But now I treasure even the "sacrifice" parts of motherhood. They too make up part of the mosaic that is my experience as a mother. And all these good and tiring and wonderful experiences are creating day by day my children's childhood. And I will work till I am good and tired to make sure that their childhood is a beautiful thing.

The Mummy's Mummy

Thanks for the comments on the No More Shots post. It is good to hear other's experiences with this type of reaction to shots. I will certainly be talking to our doctor next time we go. As for any association from Camille -- I wondered that too. She did not see any shots given to Camille but she did see her in the hospital with tubes in her. If her development of this reaction is related to seeing Camille, it is not on a conscious level. She isn't scared of shots before, she just has a physical reaction once she sees someone get one.

In any case, she is doing well since her big cry and we are glad to be celebrating holidays. Yesterday she was a lady bug. Ann Marie was a witch and Sabrina was a ghost. Noble suffered through some swaddling to be a Mummy so I could be the Mummy's Mummy.

It was a fun night and much less difficult than last years. I did miss Camille more than on a regular day but so much less than last Halloween. Just for fun here is a photo of our Halloween 2 years ago.

Cousins Jack and Morgan as ghosts.

Annie as a vet. Lauren the pumpkin.

Sabrina as "Lucile" from Junie B. Jones books.

Camille, our little pea pod.

No More Shots

In the last 6 months I have discovered a new phenomena with Lauren. In July we took her for her 4 year old well check. She got the usual vaccinations. About 30 minutes after we got home she appeared rather pale and green. I laid her down and gave her something to eat and after an hour or so she was back to normal.

A month ago I took her with me to get Noble's shots for his 4 month vaccinations. She and I were playing for a long time in the doctors office. She was excited to see Noble get his shots. After he did and as I was putting him in his car seat she walked out of the office and back to the front. I ran out after her as soon as I got Noble in his seat. She was walking funny like a drunk person and running into things. When I caught up to her she was crying a bit and saying she wanted to go home.

I wondered what was wrong with her? Did she suddenly get tired? By the time we got to the car she was as white as a ghost again -- no color to the lips. I had her lay down in the car and eat a pretzel. She perked up quickly and we were on our way. She told me that she didn't like seeing Noble get his shots because it made her "blind."

Yesterday, while I was feeding Noble breakfast we had Sid the Science Kid on the television. It was a show on getting flu shots. They skipped to a segment showing kids getting shots. Suddenly, Lauren started crying and hiding her face and telling me to turn off the show. I did quickly as I remembered her previous reactions.

I kept trying to get her to show me her face. When she finally did it was rather pale. Then her face got that dreaded look. I lunged to her and pulled her face around to be over the tile instead of the carpet and, as I feared, she lost her breakfast.

I got her in the tub and clean both of us up and she felt much better. She told me she didn't want to watch that show anymore. She said "I don't like shots. Shots make me puke." By the end of her bath she was back to her normal giggly bubbly self.

I am going to have to be more careful, I suppose. I am not sure why this fear or fainting at the sight of shots has come on. She has been with me when I have gone to get my blood drawn when I was pregnant.

Has anyone else out there dealt with this? And if so, how do you deal with it when you do actually have to get a shot or see someone get a shot. Right now this seems like a "quirk" to me. But down the road I can see how this could be a rather big hinderance in your life to not be able to get or see someone else get a shot without fainting or becoming sick.

Lauren's Turn

We all take our turns, in our own time and our own way, to process and understand Camille's death. We all take our turns grieving in our own way. Yesterday it was Lauren's turn.

Lauren was so young when Camille died. She was not quite 3 yet. She did not understand death. I spent the first 14 months or so telling her that Camille would not be coming out of the box - not until Jesus comes again - and that may be a very long time from now - she may go see Camille before Camille gets to come back and get her body. It is difficult for a 3 year old to grasp death and the resurrection especially when she is anxious to have her playmate back.

The last few days she has been asking to watch the videos of Camille often. I think she has them memorized now. They comprise nearly all of her memories of Camille. I think apart from the day Camille drowned, Lauren has lost all her memories of her sister. Any memory she recalls now is a quote from a movie or the image from a picture. And so when she wants to see Camille, when she wants to "remember" her sister, I can't refuse her request even if it hard for me to watch with her.

Yesterday she wanted to watch the videos again. I told her she could watch while I went to work out. When I got back she had watched them all through again. I showered quickly and then tried to get her to get ready to go to a party. Suddenly she didn't like her costume. It didn't fit right. I tailored it on the sewing machine to fit her well. She still didn't like it. She felt she looked weird. I assured her she didn't. Daddy assured her she looked just like a doctor should - and a very cute doctor at that. No luck.

We were already 20 minutes late now for the party. I got her in the car and tried to tease her out of her sour mood. We got to the house where the party was and I walked in. She would not follow. I told her to come see the cupcakes. She would not come. She hid behind a pillar outside the door. I told her if she didn't come in we would have to leave. I fully expected she would come. Who wouldn't want to go to a fun Halloween party with her friends? -- Lauren, that's who. She walked back to the car. I told her we were going to leave then. She said okay and got in the car. I was shocked. It was at this point that I thought, "hmmm, this may be about more than the costume."

I took her home. She cried in the car all the way home. Back home she wanted to rock and watch the Camille slideshow again. I asked if she wanted to hold Noble. She did. So I held her and she held Noble and we rocked and watched the slide show of Camille ... again ... and she cried. Then Noble started crying and squirming. Lauren slid out and went to sit on the couch and rock.

I asked if I could come over and hold her. Sobbing she shook her head "No." And then my heart broke. And there, trying to catch her breath between sobs, she sat and watched the video. I held my arms open to her. She would not come. I waited and hurt with her from across the room. I extended my arms further pleading with my eyes for her to come let me hold her and rock her. And then she came. And we rocked. And it was endurable.

The show ended. "Again Mama," she said.

"Do we really have to watch again?" I asked.

"Yes, Mama. I want Camille in our home. Playing it makes Camille in our home. Play it again." And so we played it again -- one more time. She sobbed into her worn blankie with my arms around her tight and she grieved. She still insisted she was only upset about her costume (which she had taken off 30 minutes earlier) but that is the way it is with kids. They don't understand grief enough to recognize it when it hits.

We will have many rounds of grief to experience with our children as they grow and better understand their own loss. And we will let them grieve, just as others have let us grieve, in our own time and our own way. And hopefully they will let me hold them while they grieve, so that it may be more endurable for us both.

3 Nephi 9:14 "Yea, verily I say unto you, if ye will come unto me ye shall have eternal life. Behold the arm of mercy is extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive; and blessed are those who come unto me."