3 Years

June 13 today. Three years ago I enjoyed the last morning and early afternoon I would have with all four of my little girls. I remember Camille waking up unconsolably sad. She kept crying and screaming and it seemed nothing I did would soothe her. This was atypical for her. It worried me. I wondered if she might be in pain or sick.

Finally in desperation I gave her a sugar cookie with pink frosting. It was not the best breakfast in the world, I admit, but it made her happy. I was glad to have found something that would stop her worrisome cry. The rest of the day she was her normal self.

Later that morning she snuck into the pantry and climbed the step stool. She called and called for me. I finally got a minute to stick my head in and see what she was up to. She was so proud of herself. She looked at me with her big smile and stamped her foot down on the top step where she stood. I called to Jonathan. He came over to see. I said "that is our little girl right there Jonathan." She was so delighted to have us there noticing her big accomplishment.

I made homemade macaroni and cheese for the kids. She loved it. I put her in her high chair to eat some while I went to chase Lauren down to change her stinky diaper.

Minutes later my whole world came crashing down and my life and my family changed forever.

Three years later, I am so grateful that it is three years later. I am so grateful that I am not hurting as badly as I was three years ago. Does it still hurt? Yes. yes. But it is not the searing debilitating pain that it was three years ago.

I am so grateful for the joyful ways my life has changed in the past three years. I am grateful for my two sons who have been added to my family. I am grateful for the wonderful ways my girls have grown and developed as people. I am so very grateful for the deeper, richer, and even more purposeful relationship I have with my husband. There is not doubt to either of us that we are stronger as a couple now because of this trial.

I am grateful for the acute appreciation losing Camille has given me for each of my children. I truly do appreciate them every minute. Even when Noble is tired and on a path of destruction through the house or the older girls are being disobedient or fighting or sick or otherwise being naughty. Even when I am up at night with Harrison so many times I have lost count or I am being thrown up on, yelled at, hit, or pooped on. Even in those less than lovely moments of motherhood, I appreciate and value and thank God for my children and that I am privileged to be their mother.

I have been riding waves of emotion this weekend. My heart is feeling the high tide of the season. I haven't yet had a big cry but I have felt one building. It is like those days when you can feel the storm in the air but no rain has fallen yet. I will let it come when it does. It will come and it will go and I will move forward into yet another year in my life as an angel's mother.

Motherhood - Chapter 19 - Lighting the Way

I have had some things on my mind lately about testimony. By testimony I mean the conviction one has to his or her spiritual beliefs that is given to them from a heavenly source. You see I have a very strong and firmly planted testimony of God and his Son Jesus Christ, of the reality of their existence and their love for us. My testimony of the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ is rock solid. I simply have had personal experience with both the cleansing and the healing power of the Atonement that have made my belief unshakable.

I also have an equally firm and deep testimony of the reality of the First Vision when Joseph Smith prayed to know which church to join and was answered with a personal visitation by God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ. I have felt a powerful witness from the Spirit of the Lord that this did in reality take place as Joseph said it did on more than one occasion. I have also felt that same witness that the Book of Mormon is a true book of scripture and that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is Christ's restored church on the Earth today.

But my thoughts on testimony lately have been about how frustrating it is not to be able to GIVE a testimony to someone. All you can do is bare your testimony or share what you believe and why. But sharing your beliefs does not mean that those with whom you share will believe as you do. Testimonies don't come that way. They only really come when people feel God telling them what is true. And for that to come they have to be seeking and open to feeling.

Still God can let people feel that what someone is saying is true when they are hearing it or reading it. I know that. And more than anything, I want so much for my children to know for themselves the truths I know. So tonight before bedtime we held our own little "testimony" meeting.

I began by telling the girls (we had already put a rambunctious Noble to bed) about the parable of the 10 virgins and how in reading it I always felt like the 5 with oil should have shared. Then I explained that in that parable the oil represents something that the 5 virgins COULDN'T give to the others. One thing it can represent is a testimony. After explaining what a testimony is I explained that it is like the oil in the lamp because it really does "light your way" through the world.

I told them that I had lots of that kind of oil in my lamp because I was REALLY old :) and had been gathering it over many years. They on the other hand were young and may not have as much oil of their own yet. I emphasized how important it is to gather your own oil and told them that while they are gathering their own "testimony" oil that they should walk in the light of mine.

Then I told them what I knew to be true and how that knowledge came to me. I shared highly personal spiritual experiences with them and the room was thick with the Spirit. After I was done, I invited each of them to share what they believed and asked them why they believed those things. I wanted to know if they were just parroting what I had said or if they had some basis for believing the things they said other that just believing me.

The younger girls went first and mostly it was simply a time for them to share a time they got an answer to a prayer. Then Sabrina got up. She almost could not speak. She was feeling the Spirit speaking to her right then and she shared a very short but powerful witness of what it was telling her. Jonathan concluded our little meeting with his own witness of the things he knew to be true.

It was one of the most choice experiences I have had with my girls. For hours afterward, Lauren kept talking about how much she loved sharing our testimonies together because it felt so good inside. In her own 5 year old way she too was feeling the Spirit whispering to her soul the peace and happiness of Truth being taught to her soul and the familiar ring it had. She spoke many truths in these hours after our meeting, some profound and others quite funny (like that she wanted to keep sharing testimonies forever because ... "well because I like to talk.") Annie too showed in her own way that she felt the change in the spiritual atmosphere. She may not have been as "verbal" as Lauren or as teary as Sabrina but her demeanor changed and love was just oozing out of her.

In our modern times with so many distractions around us all the time, it is easy to forget how important it is to share our knowledge and beliefs on the things most important in life with our children. Whatever YOUR beliefs are, whatever knowledge you have gained that has been most beneficial to your life, share it with your children. Find a time. Make a time. And light the way for them as much as you can but sharing what you believe and know to be true. You may find the experience to be one of the highlights of your parenting.

Fun things to do...

When I was in high school a friend of mine and I made a list of all the fun things to do in Las Vegas so that when we were bored we could go down the list and pick something to do that day. I am taking the same idea and molding it to my family now. I have made a list of fun activities for my kids and I to do together this summer. Some of activities require me to be a part of them. Others they can do on their own. I am hoping have the list printed out by their daily schedule will save me from hearing "I'm bored" too many times this summer. Here is my list so far, please give me more ideas in the comments if you have them.

Activities:

Make Lemonade

Go to Library – pick a book from the library website

Movie Night

Go on a walk

Go on a bike ride

Water balloon fight

Water snake in backyard

Hike in the mountains

Splash parks

Leid discovery museum

Go to Michaels and pick a craft to do

Make barettes with flowers

Roller skating

City pool

Make homemade ice cream

Wash the car

Make playdoh

Plant flowers

Paint

Side walk chalk

Write letters to pen pals

Make forts

Put together a puzzle

Play a board game

Fashion show

Get slurpees

Write a story book

Sew a craft

Go swimming

Water gun fight

Free movies

Wii active game

Make popsicles or pudding pops

Summer is Coming

I have been making my summer plans today. I have a few pieces of the puzzle to figure out before I finish our daily schedules but I think we are looking at a pretty fun Summer if it all works out.

The weather here has been so incredibly nice - a full 20 degrees below where it was this time last year. We have been enjoying every minute of it.

Dance party is at my house tomorrow night at 8:30 come if you can. I will be making mint Oreo truffles. Yum.

I am looking forward to a loosely structured summer with flexibility to sleep in or take a nap as needed. But we will still be reading and learning and moving. I will give you a peek at our rough draft of a daily schedule. I will have a schedule for each day of the week printed up and somethings will be moved to make room for piano lessons, swimming lessons, viola and violin lessons, art classes, weekly trips to the library and maybe a zumba class I might try to persuade Sabrina and Annie to take with me. ;)

But here is what I have so far:

Morning Chores: MUST BE DONE BY 10 A.M. if finished before you get free time.

Upstairs: Morning Prayers – Potty – Shower – Get Dressed – Brush Hair

Clean Room – Make Bed

Downstairs:

Eat Breakfast - Brush Teeth

Read Scriptures as a Family – Family Prayer

Clean up Breakfast mess

Unload Dishwasher

10:00 am Sabrina Practice Piano – Annie Typing – Lauren Practice Dance

10:30 am Sabrina Practice Typing – Annie Practice Piano – Lauren Computer

11:00 am Sabrina Practice Viola – Free time Annie and Lauren

11:30 am Annie Practice Violin – Free time Sabrina and Lauren

12:00 pm Lunch

12:30 pm Noble Nap – Family Chore

2:30 pm Reading Hour

3:30 pm Exercise (Wii – Swim - pilates - treadmill)

4:00 pm Cooking Class (make dinner)

5:00 pm Eat Dinner

5:30 pm Math Facts Quiz Annie and Sabrina / Sight word quiz Lauren

6:00 pm Free time

7:30 pm Clean up downstairs kitchen and family room

8:00 pm Ready for bed

8:30 pm Lights out

I also have started a list of fun things to do in our "free time." I will post it in one of my upcoming posts. What do you have planned for summer? 

Oreo Truffles Move Over

Last week I made Oreo truffles for my SYTYCD Party. This week I made Lemon Ones. Ummm Yummm. I got some really nice lemon creme sandwich cookies. They were made with real lemons. I mixed 2 packages of these cookies crumbled in a food processor with 12 ozs. of cream cheese softened. I balled them and coated them in white chocolate with little sprinkles on top.

They are simply delicious. I totally recommend trying them. Next week I am trying mint Oreos.

Tonight the kids were all playing the street with the neighbor kids. We adults were out there chatting. The kids had water guns out and one of the dads was joining in the water fight. There were so many smiles, screams, giggles and a few tears from those who decided getting wet wasn't so fun. It was one of those nights when the air is the perfect temperature and all the world seems right. It was one of those nights that make up childhood memories.

Tonight I am grateful for lemon truffles, water guns, great neighbors, and unusually temperate weather here in Las Vegas. Can it really be June already? Happy days everyone.

Motherhood - Chapter 18 - 10 Years

Today begins the second decade in my eternity of motherhood. Yesterday we celebrated my daughter Sabrina's 10th birthday. She was born late at night after a very long and hard day of labor. I was so exhausted by the time she finally took her first breaths. I had no energy to think about how my life had just changed forever. But it had.

I knew my heart had changed in new and wonderful ways as they placed her in my arms. A new and overwhelming loved for this tiny little screaming creature filled me. It came unexpectedly to me. It shocked me how powerful I could love someone I had just laid eyes on for the very first time. But then that is motherhood, and I was just beginning to know its wonders.

I had anticipated that I would still work part time after having my baby. I was a criminal defense attorney and could do much of my work from home. About three months after Sabrina's birth I my boss asked me to go make an appearance in court for him. It was an easy job. All I had to do was go do an arraignment. Basically stand up for the accused client and say he was pleading "not guilty."

I got dressed and got a baby sitter for Sabrina and headed to the courthouse. I met the client and sat next to this accused armed robber waiting for our case to be called so I could say my line and go. Criminal courts are unfortunately always busy in California where we lived then. After a couple of hours I was missing my little baby so badly I just wanted to leave. I wondered if I had missed anything new she was doing. I wanted to see every smile she produced and every funny face.

I thought to myself at one point, "who do I really want to be with, my baby or this accused armed robber?" The answer was clear. It was not my client.

After three hours, our case was finally called and my 10 minute job was done. I called my boss and told him that would be my last job away from home. I luckily didn't have to work for financial reasons, and I didn't want to miss a minute of my growing daughter's childhood.

Ten years and five more children later I am amazed at how quickly time has flown. My baby is now growing into young womanhood. Her sisters are following her lead. And I am savoring every moment of my baby boys' baby and toddler stages. These years we have them in our home are really so short in the grand scheme of life.

In the next decade I will face so many new challenges of motherhood. Ten years from now two of my daughters will out of the nest and off to college. What a short time I have to train them up in all the ways I need to before they are gone.

I was forever changed as a human being 10 years ago. I became a mother. The center of my personal universe permanently shifted. For I was given the greatest, hardest, most rewarding, and sometimes most heartbreaking job known to mankind. I am responsible to teach and train and love and chasten the children of God sent to my home as they have been taught and trained and loved and chastened before the came to my care. It is up to me to let them know who they are, where they came from, why they are here, and how to fulfill their own destiny. Ten years ago I became what I will forever now be -- a mother.

Leaving Home

Today I went to my "home ward." I went to church in the congregation of my childhood to see my parents deliver their last talks as members of that ward family. I knew it would be emotional to hear my parents speak for that final time there. But I was not prepared for the onslaught of emotions that hit me.

Our family filed in just as the meeting was beginning. We sat three rows from the front with few people between us and the pulpit. On our way to our seats we passed by so many people I know and love from both my childhood days and the years we lived in my parents house while they were on their mission in Africa. This was the ward we lived in for my entire pregnancy with Camille, the miscarriage I had before I got pregnant with her, her birth and the first 8 months of her life.

The person conducting the meeting sat down after welcoming everyone and the chords of the opening song "Oh how lovely was the morning..." a song about Joseph Smith's first vision, began. I have such a firm faith in the reality of that event. The witness I received from the Spirit about the truthfulness of Joseph's claim came while I was a teenager attending church in that building with many of those in the congregation.

Suddenly I was filled with the sweet and tender feelings of the Spirit, feelings of love and warmth. Flashes of memories of significant events of my life that had taken place in the room I sat swam through my mind. Early childhood memories of eating Cheerios under the pews, teenage years of seeking and finding my own testimony, talks given as I returned home from college breaks, returning "home" to bless my first baby in the ward I felt was all a part of my family.

And then came the more recent memories of my time living in the ward as an adult. Becoming a member of that ward in a new way, serving the people in the ward and getting to know the new members who had moved in since the days of my childhood. I remembered the experiences I shared with them. How they cared for me during my pregnancy and the birthing of Camille while my parents were away. How they helped me with her on Sundays and loved her along with me. How we blessed her there in that chapel too.

And then I remembered those pews being filled ... filled with people ... people who loved her and more people who loved me and Jon and had never even met Camille as we gathered there in that room for her funeral. I remembered the emotions I felt that day walking into that room and seeing all those faces. It felt like I was attending my own funeral. So many loved ones from all the stages of my life were there to support me in my darkest hours.

And here I was three weeks shy of three years later, and all those same faces were running through my head and the love and support they were then and at other times in my life hit me in full force.

When Jonathan and I moved from that ward and into our current house 3.5 years ago, it was pretty easy for me to say goodbye. My parents were there. I didn't foresee them moving anytime soon. I would still see those people. I would still be at church occasionally when my parents spoke or gave a lesson or something. I would be back.

But this time, with my parents saying their goodbyes, I almost wished I could have gotten up to speak too. To say thank you to all those wonderful people who helped raise me and taught me and loved me and supported me. It was so much harder leaving today than when my own little family moved. And I felt it. Tears that started with the opening song continued till they passed my cheeks and moved down my chest. The tears increased as my parents spoke. My mother's expressions of gratitude to the women of the ward for whom she had fasted and prayed through their trials and who had fasted and prayed for our family in ours. Her powerful testimony of the reality of our Father in Heaven and the power of the Atonement brought further, fresher tears. Then my dad got up and struggled to keep his emotions at bay through the entirety of his 30 minute talk on the value of work (and lots of memories through the years of those with whom he had learned the value of work.) I struggled right along with him. The tears just kept flowing. They did not stop till the closing song had been sung.

My dear friends of the Hacienda ward, how I love you and miss you ... most keenly on this day of parting.

Fun Party

Can I just say that SYTYCD was awesome and my favorite part was the "Prince of Prose" segment on Lil C. I love Lil C. For this year's finale I totally want to have my party goers play "judge" and have each of us pick a judge to impersonate and us give comments after each of the final numbers. I call being Lil C. I am taking notes so I can use some of his own phraseology. I hope I can be both present and absent when I try to represent him and that none of the energy of my impersonation spills out of the cup of my body.

Both my SYTYCD and my Norwex party were such fun and I really enjoyed having everyone here. The treats I made were easy to make and I enjoyed eating them. Hope everyone else did too. We will do SYTYCD every Wednesday from now to the finale at 8:30 at my house. For the next few weeks I will be experimenting with truffles. I made regular Oreo truffles this last week. This next week I will try mint Oreos and then in the coming weeks we will do Nutter Butter truffles.

Come if you can! It will be fun!

Many Emotions

I have so many different thoughts and feelings running around inside of me right now. It is difficult to choose one to post about. So perhaps I will write a little bit about all of them.

Feeling - EXCITEMENT: Reason - See previous post ;). Tomorrow night SYTYCD!!! PARTY my house 8:30 p.m. Treats: Oreo Truffles and Bacon wrapped Dates!!!
Other reasons: Summer is coming. I am actually excited to be able to set my own schedule for our family and hopefully fill our time with some fun, relaxation, and a bit of learning too. I am going to have the oldest two girls learn to type this summer. We have vacations planned to the cabin and Dallas and Utah. I am excited to start a summer reading program with my girls. Lauren's reading abilities are just blossoming and she is really going to take off this summer I just know it!

I am also having a Norwex party this weekend that I am pretty excited about. I am making Oreo Truffles that my friend Emily made for her sister's baby shower. See all about them on her cute blog HERE. (I am seriously loving following her blog. She has so many talents I don't have and I am feeling inspired by her recipes and crafty tips.) These Oreo truffles were SO DANG GOOD. Even Jon loved them and he doesn't like Chocolate things. I am excited to make and eat some truffles and I am also excited to share with my friends about how amazing the Norwex cleaning cloths are. They have pretty much revolutionized my cleaning. I can't believe I can wipe my stainless steel appliances or a window or mirror down with a damp (with just water) rag and have it look totally streak free and cleaner than if I used Windex. Amazing. And the fact that they can clean up after raw chicken and kill all the germs from that... well like I said ... Amazing! If you know where I live, come to my party Friday night at 8 and find out more. Or just stop by whenever before then I and I will show you how cool they are.

Feeling: Nostalgia -- Reason: My parents have completed their move from one house to the next. It has been a week. It is starting to sink in that I can't go "home" anymore. The home I have with my own little family is still home. But my childhood home still always felt like "Home" too. Now it will be going to my "parent's house" instead of going "home" to see my parents. Does that make sense? It is a good change in so many ways but I am still feeling the reality of it set in and that makes me feel nostalgic.

Feeling: Sadness -- Reason: Missing Camille. I have been missing my Camille not for the 14 month old little girl she was but for the 4 year old she isn't. I am feeling the loss of the nows that are not. I wonder about how her personality would feel and how her presence would change our family dynamics. I wonder lots of things.

Today I was thinking about her on my drive home from a quick trip to the post office. I felt this warmth all across my chest as if I were holding one of my babies tight to me in an embrace. I wondered if she were close. A song came on the radio about what it would be like if heaven were not so far away and we could go there for a visit. The singer sang about introducing his kids to his grandpa. I am thinking how I would like to introduce my kids to their sister. How we could all get to know her just a little better if we could just visit for an hour. As I approach our neighborhood I see paramedics and a fire truck with lights flashing leaving our small community. I am taken back almost 3 years and wonder whose life is feeling upside down today? I find out from a neighbor they came for a very nice older couple down the street. The husband has been battling cancer. I send a prayer to heaven for them and wonder what I can do to help. How my kind neighbors must have felt that fateful day 3 years ago when they saw all the flashing lights outside our house... Whew. Heavy thoughts. A general well off sadness is showing off its depths in my soul today.

Feeling: Joy -- Reason: My family. Lauren lost her first tooth yesterday. She is so excited and it brings me so much joy to see her growing and reaching these fun milestones. Noble brings a smile to my face with every cute thing he does (naughty or nice.) Often when he does a naughty thing (like dump a drink or food on the floor on purpose) he will look at the mess and say with pride "I Do That!" Too cute that kid. Harrison is sleeping like a champ and just being the cutest, cuddliest, calmest baby. I get joy just looking at his peaceful, beautiful face.

Annie is learning and growing and amazing me daily with her beautiful mind. She is such a mini me sometimes. The other day I was teaching Sabrina and her that they ought not to argue with an adult when the adult tells them they can't do something. She tells me "Mom, to me it isn't arguing it is just discussing. I am just discussing why I think it is okay for me to do it." That is so me. I have to explain why it is not polite to "discuss" why you think you should be able to do something that an adult has told you it is not okay to do in their house or car etc.

I think I had a similar conversation in college with a roommate who was concerned that one of my roommates and I were always arguing. I was Annie in that conversation explaining to my roommate that the other girl and I were discussing and debating and that we enjoyed that type of conversation and had no bad feelings about it. (Shout out to Ann Melinda! My old debating friend. Still love you more than my luggage!) I find so much joy in this little girls spunk and spirit!

And then there is Sabrina, a girl becoming a young woman right before my eyes. I find so much joy in watching her blossom and grow to be more mature and helpful. She is becoming more responsible and is so good to help out with the little kids when I need my hands for something else (like cooking for my dinner group.) I enjoy spending time with her. She recommended a book for me to read the other day and I read it. It was so fun to be able to enjoy a book my daughter recommended to me. She turns 10 this weekend. Time is going so fast. I am so happy she is close to me. I hope that will never change.

Well I think that clears out the majority of the emotions swirling around inside. Nice to have it out on record.

One more week!

I have been counting down. I felt it too embarrassing to post this any sooner than one week out. But a week from tonight is a night I have been looking forward to for MONTHS. Don't hate me or laugh at me for loving something so silly so much! I just love watching amazing dance. You know what I am talking about right?

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE returns next Thursday night!!!

Usually I wait to throw Dance Parties till they get to the voting shows. But this year I am too excited for the 2 hour premiere! So if you know me well enough to know where I live you are invited. Come on over and we will watch some awesome dance auditions. I will be making things to eat. Any requests? Savory or sweet? Both?

Note the date and time: May 26th at 8:30 p.m.
Let me know if you are coming!

Relatable Honesty

Yesterday I watched the second part of James Frey on Oprah. He was the guy who wrote "A Million Little Pieces" and marketed it as a memoir and he actually embellished and fabricated many parts of the book. It was a big controversy about 5 years ago because Oprah picked his book as a book club book and defended him on Larry King etc...

Anyway most of the interview was on what that time of his life was like taking the heat and whether Oprah was too hard on him when he came back to answer what was true or not on her show.

I have said before on this blog how much I dislike lies and how I have a hard time with people who always embellish or just lie about things. So I have never really been a big fan of Mr. Frey and I have never read his Million Little Pieces book.

But during the interview Oprah brought up the fact that in 2007 James and his wife lost a child. I could feel his heart tightening as he spoke briefly about his son Leo who was born with SMA which is incurable and fatal. One of my angel mom friends had a little girl named Mia who also had this. Mr. Frey and his wife had no clue their son was not healthy until after he was born.

As he spoke about his son I could see and feel the emotions he was feeling. It is not an easy thing to talk publicly about your child who has passed away. Oprah asked him if his son's death put things into perspective for him. He said it did. He said that as bad and hard as the public scrutiny over the Million Little Pieces scandal was it wasn't even in the top 200 of the bad days of him life. Then gave examples of what really "bad days" are like the day your child dies, or the day you plan his funeral. And he said the hundreds of days after that ... those are rough days.

After that Oprah asked something where she referred to the time after he recovered from that loss. He didn't answer her question. Instead he said, "I don't think you ever recover from something like that." I am not sure that is a direct quote but he went on to say that he has recovered from lots of things in his life but the death of a child isn't something you "recover" from.

A couple of weeks ago I was talking to someone about this blog and how I wrote my feelings out. She offered that they were my "edited feelings" and it made me think about how much my feelings are edited here. I told her I do not think my feelings are very edited on here. I mean they are expressed in a way I like to see them. And of course I don't write every emotion every time because I just don't have the time to do that. But I believe this blog holds a true sampling of the feelings I have felt over the last three years.

And listening to Mr. Frey I thought it would be good to record my thoughts about his statement about never recovering. Because I think some people may think that I have "recovered" or that I feel "recovered." I cheered when Mr. Frey corrected Oprah on that point. Because I agree. But as often is the case, it all comes down to how you define "recover."

The way I define it and I think Mr. Frey meant it is that you never "get over" the loss of child. There is never a time when that loss stops hurting or that spot in your heart isn't tender to the touch. It is just like the article I posted a link to when my grief was fresh said. The piano of grief that has landed on the stage of your life never leaves the stage. It just becomes incorporated into the play or pushed to the background.

But I do feel whole again - forever altered, but whole. I do not have physical pain about my loss everyday anymore and I do not even feel sad about it everyday in that same searing way. But I do still think about Camille everyday. I do still miss her everyday. And I do still have times when I feel the waves of grief and the shock and loss feel fresher in my mind and heart. In those times, it is hard to breathe. I have to round up my mind back to the place where I can be back in the present and remind myself that I am okay.

These waves don't last hours, usually I can ride them out in a few minutes these days. And they don't come every day or every week. But they have been coming a bit more frequently as summer comes around. Tis the season.

So, at least for me, that is my truth. I am glad Mr. Frey made the correction so others can see better understand what this grief is like. It is good that others know that losing a child is not something to "get over" or "recover" from. It is something you learn to deal and live with. You learn how to keep the show of your life progressing on the stage despite the presence of the piano. And in the best cases you learn and grow because of it. In the best cases you learn to play new and beautiful music.

Home

"I want a corner piece!" cries Sabrina.

"I want a middle piece!" chimes in Ann Marie.

"I want an edge piece!" adds Lauren.

I sit on the couch smiling as I watch my girls jumping up and down in excitement as Dado takes the Dutch Baby I have made for dinner out of the oven. They yell out in excitement over and over which piece they want. It is a simple moment of joy - a single, solitary memory being made in a kitchen that already holds thousands.

In that instant I realize this simple memory is being etched into the walls of the house we live in making it just a a little more our "home." And I think about yesterday, kneeling in prayer with my family, my parents, and my sister's family in my childhood home for the last time.

How many moments just like this one are etched into the walls of that home? Do the walls remember the hands of my father who helped to raise them up? Do the boards beneath the floor remember my older brother playing on them with his hammer and little homemade car as the house was being born? Do the ceilings remember the countless number of times I sat upside down on the couch pretending to walk on them?

Countless memories of magical moments have been made in that beautiful old home. She has served our family for over 33 years as a place of shelter, a harbor in the storm of life. She has stood as a witness to our lives. She has seen our happy simple moments and felt the tears of our most bitter sorrows. She has felt our anger when walls were punched or doors were slammed. She has joined us in laughter as tricks were played, surprises were made and plans were hatched. She has hidden me in her cupboards. I have danced in her spacious living room, and roller skated in her basement.

This old home has been holy ground on so many occasions. Many of my most spiritual experiences took place within her walls. Angels have walked her halls and aided those who have been suffering within. Innumerable prayers have been sent up from within to call down the power of heaven. This old house had long ago earned the title of "home."

Driving away from that final experience in my childhood home, I feel the millions of memories etched in those hallowed walls imprinting themselves even more deeply into my soul. I can almost hear echos of my own childhood as I watch my children now and those memories of that home flood through me. We will make our own families memories here in this house. It will be to my children what that house had been for me. And I will carry all of these memories from all my houses in my heart no matter where I call "home."

Who's Who?

Can you tell which of these two is Harrison? I think I know who he looks like. Same mouth. Same nose. Same dark hair. I have been holding him every possible moment and hating having to get up to do anything on my do list. I just want to hold him and enjoy his snuggly self every minute.

Last night Harrison fell asleep on my chest while I was burping him. I sat and rocked him sound asleep for about two hours. I knew I would be tired today for it. I knew I should just put him down and go to bed. But how much longer do I have before he won't sit still anymore? How many more times will I be able to just sit in the dark quiet hours of my house with no distractions and everyone else asleep and just listen to his gentle breathing? Not enough. So last night I just savored the snuggles and sacrificed the sleep. I'll catch up on the missed sleep someday.

He reminds me how precious every moment is just by looking at him. I see so much of her in him. The top photo is Camille. The second is Harrison. Time is a precious thing when you have such precious people to spend it with.

Family Newsletters-- HELP!

I have been asked to teach a class this weekend on keeping in touch with your family through newsletters or blogging. I have never done a family newsletter and neither of our families does one. I am wondering if any of you faithful readers are in a family that does the family newsletter thing.

If so can you PLEASE email me and maybe send me a copy of one of your newsletters? I would LOVE to have several examples to show the class how different people do this.

stephaniewaite (at) gmail (dot) com

Thank you in advance. I have faith that someone out there will email me about this ... right?

Motherhood - Chapter 17 - Mother's Day

When I was selected as Nevada's Young Mother of the Year I was given a packet that included instructions for creating a portfolio. This portfolio was sent to the National American Mothers board for review to help them select a National Young Mother. They had about 10 specific questions they wanted me to answer in no more than one page. One of those questions and my answer I felt was appropriate to share to day on Mother's Day because my answer is all about my own mother.

I love you Mom and I am so grateful for you tireless example and continuing mothering of me even to this day. Thank you for all you have been and continue to be for me! This is for you!

What has influenced your understanding of what a mother and wife should be? How has this affected your life as a mother and wife?

Few things have influenced my understanding of what a mother and wife should be more than the example of my own mother. I find the stellar example of my mother affecting my own life nearly daily as I balance discipline with love, work to maintain my marital relationship, and try to set a tone of peace and love in our home.

My mother had a great balance of discipline and love. She raised five obedient, highly successful children. Much of the credit to our success comes down to my mother’s untiring training in obedience. She made sure that each command she gave us as young children was obeyed. If we did not do as she asked she would get up and come help us obey in a loving way. This established a pattern of obedience in us that has continued throughout our lives. I find myself struggling to do this as well as she did everyday. It is a challenge to get up and help my 5 year old obey when I am seven months pregnant and I have a one year old crying on my lap. Yet her example pushes me to strive beyond my natural resistance and get up and do it.

My mother has also maintained a great relationship with my father in their now 43 years of marriage. She recognized how important it was to keep her marriage strong. She and my father have a very open line of communication and never go to bed angry. She and my father took trips together about once a year without us children so they could reconnect on an adult level. My husband and I have incorporated these things in our own marriage.

Most importantly, my mother set a tone of order, peace and love in our home that allowed her to feel and use guidance from heaven in her duties as wife and mother. I too pray to have this same Spirit in our home daily and work to create an atmosphere of order, safety, and peace in which my family can thrive and live the lives God would have them live. 

I need to take more photos ...

I have been LOVING the "mother of the year" stories in the comments to my last post! Please keep them coming.

I recently got a new laptop (one of the perks of having a hubby that owns a laptop store) and it has a bigger screen than I am used to. I have my photos randomly doing a slideshow as the background. Occasionally I like to close all my windows and just watch the photo slideshow. In doing so I have seen some photos that just take my breath away.

Like this one the other day:

This is Lauren and her cousin Charlotte just a few weeks after Camille's passing. Elizabeth, Charlotte's mom, and my beloved sister in law took the photo while they were playing dolls together. Now it is not infrequent that Elizabeth's photo skills take my breath away but this is just a quick snapshot, not one of her masterpieces. What took my breath away was how young and beautiful these little girls looked. This seems like it was just yesterday.

I need to take more pictures. That is the conclusion I came to upon seeing this. It recorded a beautiful precious moment in time. Granted it was a heavy period of my life but this image doesn't hold the heaviness. It only shows the beauty to me. Sometimes when we are living our life we are too close to really appreciate the simple beauty of it. I need to take more photos so that in days to come I can look back and savor the beauty that is today.

"Mother of the Year"

The Wednesday before I left to Salt Lake for the AMI conference to represent Nevada as the the Young Mother of the Year I had to take Annie and Lauren to a dress rehearsal for dance. I pulled up to the theatre and opened the door to let them out. As they jumped out of the car I saw they had to get into a very long line to "check in" to the rehearsal. And in this long line were lots of kids all accompanied by their moms.

I had Noble and Harrison in the car and a list of things to do at home before my trip. So I pulled out of the parking lot and headed home feeling very much like the "mother of the year" who just ditched her kids at the curb. When I went to pick them up I learned I was supposed to get out and check them in and get a ticket to pick them up. I didn't have a ticket to pick them up but luckily they still let me have my kids. :0)

We all have these moments when we feel we just drop the ball and totally fall short as a mom. These are the tongue in cheek "mother of the year" moments. But they have felt a little different lately since I actually hold that title. Sometimes when I have these moments in public I almost feel like saying, "yes, I know, mother of the year here!" Then I would wait for the laugh and say, "no really I am!" I wonder if anyone would believe me.

Many of us Young Mothers at the conference shared some of these moments when we have felt unworthy of being named the actual mother of the year. Most of them were pretty funny. Anybody else care to share one of those "mother of the year moments?" They are good for a laugh in hindsight sometimes. Feel free to post your "mother of the year moment" anonymously. :)

Motherhood - Chapter 16 - Applause

Friday night in Salt Lake City my father escorted me into a ballroom filled with people in fancy clothes. As we walked the center aisle to the front, I was introduced to the crowd. I sat at a table in the front facing the audience and beside the Young Mother of the Year from North Dakota on one side and from Kentucky on the other side.

After all the Young Mothers had entered and taken their place at the front, the speaker noted that we were the young mothers who represented all those young mothers in our states and around the country (and world for that matter) who were doing thankless jobs every day like changing diapers and cleaning up messes. But as she noted our role as young mothers if so much greater than just these daily tasks. She then asked this audience to rise and give a standing ovation to us as representing all the young mothers everywhere for all they do day in and day out without fanfare.

I sat there, wanting to stand myself and join in the applause, but staying still instead and soaking in the love and appreciation of that crowd on behalf of every young mother. I thought of all the times each of us has been up in the night with sick kids or been sick ourselves and still had to take care of the kids. I thought of all the times we have to disciple kids for their own good and how much we hate doing it. I thought of all the times our kids get mad at us for making them clean or take a bath or come home from a friends house.

So much of young motherhood is important but thankless work. And here was an audience of people saying thank you to all of us with their applause. And so I sat still and soaked it in for all of us and hoped I would be able to share a bit of that feeling with all of you. I wish every mother had the opportunity to get this standing ovation. I hope each mother who reads this will take just a minute or two to sit still and feel of the love and appreciation that was given to you during that standing ovation on Friday night. Turn on the beginning of the Oprah show and close your eyes and pretend it is for you. :)

I was so moved sitting there representing all Nevada young mothers that night. It was one of the most moving parts of the whole weekend. I really wished everyone could feel that love and appreciation, especially in those difficult times of motherhood. And then the thought came to me that every young mother does get a standing ovation every time she loves her children, or teaches them a correct principle, or corrects a bad behavior, or serves her unappreciative child in any good way.

I have no doubt that there is an audience of angels standing and applauding our valiant efforts to raise good and moral children everyday. I hope the next time any of us find ourselves feeling unappreciated or undervalued in our roles of mother, we will stop for a moment and turn our minds and hearts to the greater picture. I hope in that almost prayerful moment we will be able to feel the warmth of that heavenly applause and know we are doing the most important job on Earth. We are caring for and raising children of God.

And the National Young Mother of the Year is...

Shawni Pothier of Arizona and the popular blog 71toes.blogspot.com. We are all so happy for Shawni and we know that she will do an excellent job representing all of us young mothers in her year as the National Young Mother.

I got home Saturday from the AMI conference and hit the ground running with the girls dance performance to attend and a list of things to do. I still am working my way through  that list. But I had such an incredible experience in Salt Lake at the AMI conference and there are several things I felt or learned there that I want to share with everyone. It just may take me a while to get through it all or to it all.

I wasn't sure what to expect going to Salt Lake or how I would feel during this conference interacting with a bunch of women I didn't know. Getting to know new people has been a bit more intimidating since Camille died. It always means questions I have to answer that are not as easy to answer as they used to be (like how many kids do you have and what are their ages.)

But at the end of the conference I can say my favorite part was getting to know the amazing Young Mothers of the Year from the various states. I made so many wonderful new friends that I am sure I will keep in touch with. The Young Mothers I met were inspiring, strong, funny, beautiful women with whom I share so many of the same priorities and values.

I would have been so happy to support any one of them being selected as the National Young Mother. I was so happy with the board's decision to choose Shawni. Her speech was so good with the perfect mix of emotion and substance. And she had an incredible analogy about a hot air balloon ride she took and how the fire of that ride raised her higher. That "fire" is something we all feel and her perspective on it was inspiring.

We each had to give a 3 minute speech on the topic: Making a Difference, Strengthen Myself, Elevate My Family. Mine ... well I cried more and earlier in the speech than I wanted to. But I got through it and gave most of it almost word for word what I had written. It is the first time I have ever tried to give a memorized speech. I felt a little flustered by the time restraint and trying to not cry but I think people felt my message.

Since you could not all be there, here is my speech in you are interested:

Making a Difference- Strengthen Myself – Elevate my Family

Just over three years ago, in a quiet moment of clarity, I received what I believe was divine instruction. I had been struggling to redefine myself in this young mother stage of life. In the past I had been a student, a journalist, an attorney… Now I was a full time mother and I loved it, but still I felt something was missing. What could I do or be now that would help me grow personally and not detract from my mothering?

My answer came with such clarity that I could not help but act on it. I was going to be a writer. And I was going to practice my writing by blogging. That day I created a blog entitled “A Daily Scoop.”

What I did not know then was what a lifeline this blog would turn out to be for me and the difference it would make in the lives of others. You see I did not know that just 6 weeks later I would be writing about my journey through grief after the tragic drowning and death of my youngest daughter Camille.

From the day of Camille’s accident, I wrote begging for prayers on her behalf. I updated everyone on how she was fairing in the hospital. I wrote of her passing from this life to the next. And then … I literally wrote my heart out. 

Everyday for over a year I let the pain I was feeling flow through my fingertips and into cyberspace as I sought some silver lining in the storm of my sorrow. My writing always put my loss in perspective and helped me see all the good in my life. It allowed me to feel a bit of sunshine through the darkness. It strengthened me every day.

And miraculously, it helped others too. I am amazed at the emails I get from readers telling me the difference my simple writings have made in their life. Many have found their own struggles mirrored in my writings. Others have been able to learn some of the lessons that grief taught me without having to experience it themselves.

I have also seen how recording our story has elevated my family. Last year I compiled most of my blog entries into a book. I purchased copies for each of my children in hopes that one day this book would help them better understand and remember this time of our lives and what it was like losing their sister.

After reading some of the book one day, my oldest daughter came to me with tears in her eyes and told me how reading it was like reading her life. One day I hope she and her siblings will see how God held our family in His hands throughout our grieving.

Every person and every family has a story. By recording our stories and sharing them with others we can build bridges of understanding and friendship. We can make a difference in the world. We can more easily recognize the hand of the Lord in our life.  Which will strengthen us personally and elevate our families in faith.

Motherhood - Chapter 15 - Personal Assistant

How many times have I thought to myself, "geez, I wish I had a personal assistant." Too many to count. Life can be so busy. Yesterday - well this whole week actually but particularly yesterday - was a crazy busy day. I am trying to get prepared to fly to Salt Lake City with Harrison this morning. I am headed to the American Mothers National Convention where I will represent Nevada as our state Young Mother of the Year. I have to give a timed speech tomorrow morning. And tomorrow night the National AMI committee will select a National Young Mother of the Year.

So I have been writing and memorizing my speech and practicing delivering it without crying. It is still hard to publicly speak about Camille without crying and I talk a little about her in the speech.

On top of that two of my daughters are performing this week in their dance companies performance of Peter Pan. This has meant dress rehearsals and costumes and basic chaos. Yesterday I drove out to their dance studio (a 15 minute drive each way) 3 times in 3 hours plus running Sabrina to an activity she had at church and getting gas and making dinner and doing the laundry while taking care of the baby and Noble.

One of those trips to the dance studio (the middle one) was unplanned. But a friend called me up and told me she had just left the studio and that our 5 year olds were finished with their part of the rehearsal and were free to go. She had picked up her daughter and said Lauren had run after her crying and wanting to go home with her. So I hopped in the car to go get my little girl.

On the way home I was getting gas and was thinking about how grateful I am to be able to be a stay at home mom and be able to drop what I am doing and jump in the car to go save the day for my kids when they need me. How many times have I gotten a call from the school saying I had a kid whose pants ripped or got someone's lunch spilled on them or a kid who wasn't feeling well? More than I can count. And each time I have been able to run to the school and fix the problem.

I am so grateful I am able to do this without the worry of a boss or losing a client or taking time off work. I realize that this is a luxury many do not have and I am grateful to my core that I am able to enjoy this. As I was thinking about this and how glad I am to be able to run and take care of my kids needs, I had a thought. On this busy day where I was wishing I had a personal assistant, I had a realization. I AM A PERSONAL ASSISTANT!  All moms are!

We keep the calendar. We drive the carpools. We put out the fires. We make the lunches. We do all those things that our kids can't do for themselves and then some. We make their lives run as smoothly as we can. We are their personal assistants. And if we raise them well, they hopefully will naturally turn around and "assist" us too.

Announcements and Spring Break

This weekend we went to visit my brothers and their families down in Southern California. My younger brother Darren and his wife Nikki and their twins are moving about a mile from my older brother Morgan and his wife Elizabeth and their four kids. I must admit I am a bit jealous of this - having family so close you can see them everyday!

Anyway, while we were visiting all the cousins, Elizabeth took some photos of Harrison for his birth announcement and then helped me design them. She is so talented and wonderful in every way. You should go over and check out her blog to see a sneak preview!

It was a great way to end our Spring Break before heading back home for a CRAZY busy week. I love visiting the Garden of Eden like beauty of California but even more I love visiting my family down there. I miss them and have to get my "Harris" fill by visiting as often as possible. Easter was all about family, yummy food, fun and remembering the greatest gift of the Savior.

I left the weekend with a full tummy and an even fuller heart. Thanks So Cal Harris Clan for hosting us and loving us so well!

Motherhood - Chapter 14 - Easter Joy

Today as I sat in church singing Hallelujah at the end of each line of our hymn I thought about how much joy there must have been that first Easter morning when Mary saw the Resurrected Christ. The words of the hymn highlighted how the suffering was over and Christ had erased the sting of death. And, having just finished a difficult pregnancy, I had a new thought or understanding of the joy of Easter.

Baring a child is an experience that is in the likeness of the atonement itself. The mother does for the child what the child cannot do for him or her self. She helps give life to a child. She goes through much pain and sacrifice to bring this life into existence. Mothers bring life in the world through the shedding of blood and water. And if you don't have drugs, there is heavy suffering involved in this birthing process.

All the same was true of the Savior's suffering for us so many years ago as he suffered and eventually died to give us life everlasting. He shed his blood and water gushed out of his side when the soldiers pierced him with the sword. He did for us what we could not do for ourselves. He has given us Life!

I am so close this Easter to that moment just 4 weeks ago when my suffering came to an end and that new life was placed upon my chest in all its wonder and beauty. Such joy! The joy at the end of the suffering and the greater joy in the new life created. Today, in church, singing my Hallelujahs I could feel a bit more of the blessed Joy of the end of Christ's suffering and the greater Joy in the Life he succeeded in bringing to each of us.

And as I sang, I meant each and every Hallelujah!

Camille's 4th Birthday

We had a great day as a family on April 19th. I decided to do one extra nice thing for each of my children. I held my baby a little extra. I got up with Noble at 6 am when normally I would have sent him down to play with Annie and his dad in the morning so I could get a little more sleep. I snuggled Lauren in the morning. We got Winchell's Donuts which Annie has been begging to try for months. And I let Sabrina have a friend over for the afternoon and evening.

Las Vegas Temple taken by Sabrina

We also did service up at the temple and I tried really hard to greet the people I met with Christ like love pouring out of me and my eyes and in my smile. It was an amazing experience to focus so fully on loving each person I met that day. I tried to imagine how their loved ones in heaven would feel to see them again and tried to love them in that way.

My children in the atrium of the Las Vegas Temple

And we took the family up to the temple to experience the grounds there before Jon and I did our work inside. The girls really enjoyed the atrium and the beautiful grounds and the peaceful, loving spirit you can so easily feel there. We met a nice family from out of town who took our family photo for us.

We made a birthday cake and had Camille's favorite foods. My mom gave us a pinata to help our birthday celebration. It was so fun. My neighbors sent us some tulips that made our birthday feel so complete.

And perhaps my favorite part of the day and the time since then is reading the comments on my last post about what acts of kindness people did in honor of Camille. Really I just can't tell you how healing it is to my heart to know that the world is just even a little better place, even if only for one day a year, because my little Camille lived in it. That is the best gift I could ever be given. And so I say THANK YOU. To all of you who tried a little harder and did a little more to make the world a little better place with your acts of kindness. Thank you!

Cami's Kindness Day - April 19th

Tomorrow is Camille's birthday. She would have been four. Four is the age I first throw a birthday party for my children. I have them invite a handful of their little friends over and we play games including pin the party hat on the princess. (I draw a life size picture of the girl by tracing her on the floor for this and we have kept them so they can see how little they once were.) And they get presents. Presents from family like they did the first 3 years and on this 4th birthday they get presents from friends too.

So if you have read this blog or if you know me or ever met my little angel girl, please consider yourself invited to her 4th birthday anniversary "party." Where ever you live, I hope you will have a piece of cake or a cupcake tomorrow.

But more importantly, I hope you will find it in your heart to give my little angel a present by performing an act of kindness above and beyond what you would normally do tomorrow.

I would LOVE to hear what you did. If you have time to write a comment and let me know that would be such a gift to me as I celebrate her birthday with my family.

We will be headed to the Las Vegas Temple to remind us how grateful we are that families can be sealed together forever. I am so grateful for the promises of the Lord given our family in the Holy Temple that my neither my marriage nor my parental relationships will be dissolved at death for certainly the love is not. It would only truly be heaven to me if those loving relationships could continue there as well.

Motherhood - Chapter 13 - Charity

My new job at church is teaching the women's class one Sunday each month. It is a great job. One of my favorite for sure. Today was my first lesson as a teacher and not just subbing for an a teacher. The topic was charity.

My focus for the lesson was more about developing a charitable heart (especially towards hard to love people or people who have hurt you) rather than doing charitable deeds. Though certainly doing charitable deeds can help us develop more charitable hearts.

So what does this have to do with motherhood for my "motherhood" series? Well I have been thinking a great deal about charity and how to find the love in your heart for people who are hard to love or who have hurt you and one thing I keep coming back to is how sometimes our children act "hard to love" and sometimes they hurt us but as far as I have experienced, this does not make me love them any less.

So I guess I am realizing that mother love is a pure form of charity. And maybe if I can look at others with "motherly" eyes or as the Savior sees them, I can find more pure charity for others even those who are hard to love.

What a great blessing it is to be a mother! How amazing that the Lord allows us to have this divine experience of parenting to teach us how to love and give us experience that will help us become more like Him. It is a wonderful thing. One I wish for all people. I pray for those struggling to become parents. I pray that one way or another they will be blessed with this amazing experience called parenthood. It really does stretch you and make you grow in such beautiful ways.

And I pray that I can expand the lessons I have learned and the love I have developed beyond my own family and apply them more fully in my relationships to everyone in the human family.

Noble adjusting

Several people have asked me how Noble is doing with the new baby around. The answer is, "far better than I expected." Ever since Noble was about 18 months old he has been carrying around and sleeping with baby dolls. He likes to take care of his "babies." He has a natural love for little ones.

So the biggest problem we have had with Noble and our new baby Harrison is keeping Noble from "taking care" of this new baby. I have to be really careful to make sure never to leave the baby in a place where Noble can try to pick him up. This means I am holding either the baby or Noble lots.

Noble first meeting Harrison

But there hasn't been any of the jealousy issue or sibling rivalry that I have had with introducing some other babies to the family. Noble adores the baby. He loves to go over and give the baby kisses or hold the baby which he does while sitting on Mama's lap. He is quick to jump and run to help the baby and give him loves if Harrison cries.

 Still kissing brother.

Sharing lap space.

And other than that, Noble is being a super hero. Here he is enjoying a Superman outfit hand me down from cousins...

And a bit of Captain America

And Chocolate Pudding Man???

Love having "little boys" at home with me during the day. Savoring each moment of their "little" lives before they grow up and get hairy and leave me. :)

Emotional

I have been feeling especially emotional this last week. I am sure part of it is those postpartum hormones. But I don't feel depressed. I just feel extra tender. And I am not sitting around crying for no good reason. I have reasons. ;) I am just crying about them more than I think I would if I hadn't just had a baby.

One of those reasons is my parents upcoming move. It is really emotional for me to think too much about them moving. And since they have just purchased a new home and can start moving their stuff in later this week if they want, well, it is getting harder to avoid thinking about the reality of them moving from my childhood home.

This move of theirs has a double dose of emotion for me because their home represents more than just a million childhood memories for me. It is the home Jon and I lived in when my parents were in Africa on a mission. It is the home where Lauren learned to walk and talk, where Sabrina started school and where she and Annie learned to read. It is the home where Camille was conceived, born, and lived for 8 of the 14 months of her life. So seeing my parents move and saying goodbye to their house is like saying goodbye to another little piece of my own little family and of course another little piece of my angel girl.

Which brings me to my other reason for being teary. It is April. A week from tomorrow my little Camille would have turned 4. And I am just ... missing her. Four is a super cute age.

So here is a little walk down the 4 year old memory lane. Sabrina at age 4.

Annie at age four.

Lauren at age four.

I can only wonder what my littlest girl would have looked like at age four.

Motherhood - Chapter 12 - Mental Snapshots

I am not a photographer. I stand in awe of those talented people who are able to look through a lens and know how to use their camera to make the image they snap look even better than the real thing. My sister and sister in law both have this gift. When they take photos of my kids or family I often think the photos of us look better than the real things (even without tons of photoshopping.)

But I have neither the knowledge nor the artistic gifts necessary to take really great photos like that. My photos never seem to capture life even remotely as cute as it is in real life. I see something really cute my kids are doing and go to take a photo and the picture I capture is always only a shadow of the cuteness I was seeing.

And so I have been taking mental snapshots my whole mothering career. And I am taking thousands of them now. I only hope that in heaven I will be able to recall these mental snapshots with the clarity of mind I had in the moment I took them. For the sad truth is that most of my mental snapshots fade in minutes from my too human memory.

I would invest in learning more about photography and trying to improve my picture taking skills, except that I don't really like taking pictures. I like the pictures. But I don't like being behind a camera trying to capture a moment. So I have to live with my mental snapshots as I am sure most mothers around the world do.

My girls, on the other hand, love being behind the camera. I suppose most kids do, right? Well Annie took some photos of Harrison the other day before his baby shower and somehow she managed to catch some really good ones. I was tickled to see a few of my mental snapshots come to life through her camera lens. Maybe I should invest in my girls learning more about photography ... someday. Check out Annie's mad untrained photo taking skills!

All photos taken of Harrison at 2 weeks old.

Sacred Time

I have been spending nearly every hour of every day in my home since coming home from the hospital.  A great deal of these hours have been spent holding my little son Harrison. He really is a Harris son. My maiden name is Harris and he just looks like my side of the family to me. I like to call him "little son."

Little Son Harrison - 6 days old

He is a joy to hold. I don't have to bounce and jiggle to soothe him. He is content to just feel my touch. He rarely cries or fusses. Really only when he is wet or cold or hungry or has a big burp. It is so wonderful to have such a sweet tempered newborn to love on. I am treasuring every minute of it, even those in the middle of the night.

Harrison McKay - 6 days old

Often it is just the two of us, especially in the night like right now. All is quiet and peaceful. The cool night air slips in from the open sliding glass door and the only sounds are a dog barking, the quiet hum of the fridge, the faint chirping of crickets, and the sweet little gurgles of my newborn little son.

12 days old sleeping on my lap in the afternoon.

There is a sacred feel to this time I spend alone with him. It is almost as if heaven is still in his every breath. He looks at me with knowing eyes and I feel a stirring love and connection to this tiny being who I just met 12 days ago. How powerful a magic these mini miracles wield. They capture a mother's heart in an instant and hold it in a vice grip forevermore.

12 days old - spending quiet awake time at night with Mom.

I feel the hallowed nature of this time more keenly with this my little son as so often our time together is in silence. Without the frayed nerves of trying to soothe tears and hush cries, I feel a peace and depth to our time together. It is a beautiful, wondrous, divinely sweet experience that I want to savor while I am in it and be able to enjoy again through memory all my life.

Harrison's awake look that pierces right through me. 12 days old.

And so I try to make it more tangible to my poor human mind by recording my feelings today so that in my many tomorrows, I can hope to feel an inkling of this so sacred time with him so small, peaceful, and perfect.

Nap time

This came to my house today courtesy of Amazon.com. My husband set it up and Noble had his first nap longer than 30 minutes since Harrison was born. It was wonderful, especially considering that Harrison and I slept too!

I never thought I would be buying a crib tent. I just figured I could train the crib escaping kid to stay in his bed. However, I never imagined having a kid who would stay in their bed and fall asleep but only sleep for 10 minutes and then wake up and leave for the day.

So thanks to whoever invented this thing and Noble is going to have a good time "camping" in his crib for a few months ... or years. :)

Forgiveness

The last two days I have been immersed in trying to listen to our modern day prophets and apostles teachings as they speak in a world wide general conference. This has proven rather challenging with our highly sleep deprived almost 2 year old present.

Noble is sick and we are struggling to get him to sleep now that he won't stay in a crib. Naps have become almost totally impossible. I think we managed to get a 20 minute power nap in today. And considering the fact that he woke up for the day at 4 am it has been a bit crazy. But I digress ...

I did have one thought today as I listened to conference that I felt was worth blogging. I am not sure the talk being given addressed this topic specifically but it spurred a few thoughts on forgiveness in my own mind.

I think the talk was on repentance. As I listened I started thinking about forgiveness. I was thinking about how forgiving the Lord is when we turn to Him in sincere repentance. Whether the sin is great or small, the Lord is so generous to forgive the repentant sinner.

The Savior has instructed us to forgive our fellowman. It is not even our place to decide if forgiveness is merited by the sinner, we are simply to forgive and leave judgement to the Savior, who truly knows the state of the heart. Forgiving is actually a service to ourselves. It removes the bitterness of anger and revenge from our hearts and allows us to move past our sorrows and pain to a place of peace, regardless of whether the offender is sorry or not.

Some things are harder to completely forgive than others of course. Some things are so difficult to forgive they require the help of the Savior himself to let go of the pain. But I do believe forgiveness is always possible with the help of the Savior and it is always the best path for us.

As I thought about this, I thought about how so often the times it is hardest to dole out forgiveness is when the offender is yourself. Sometimes it seems that we must be the last person to forgive ourselves and if anyone is still hurting from our actions, including ourselves, we must hold that grudge and blame. The tragedy of this just hit me as I was listening.

What a tool Satan has in this self destructive pattern. I thought of a conversation I had with one my children a few days after Camille died. This child felt Camille's death was her fault. It wasn't. Any small thing any one of us did that day could have made that day different. It wasn't anyone's fault. Certainly not this child's. To hear her express this feeling literally broke my heart.

I talked to her about the difference between failing to prevent a tragedy and causing one to happen. I told her it was not her job to prevent such things. I told her that if she needed to blame someone, she could blame me. But the Truth was that it wasn't anyone's fault. It just happened and I felt strongly that it was Camille's time to go and if she hadn't drowned that day she would have died some other way and maybe some more painful way. We just can't know for sure.

And as I talked to her, I could see my Heavenly Father feeling the very same emotions I was anytime I blamed myself for not keeping Camille safe that day. The experience helped me forgive myself.

When we neglect to forgive ourselves once the Savior has forgiven us, we place ourselves as a higher judge than Him. I know how difficult it can be to forgive ourselves when we have either knowingly or unknowingly caused great pain to ourselves or others. But we are commanded to forgive all men, ourselves included. And I know that with the Savior's help, it is ALWAYS possible and it is always the best path.