Science Project

Tell me I am not alone here. How many of us parents dread the "family projects" and homework that is sent home with our children that is really homework for the parents? I really don't mind helping my kids with their normal homework. Actually sometimes I even enjoy it. I enjoy teaching my children things they didn't quite understand fully in class or showing them different ways to look at a homework problem.

But I am not crafty. I don't like projects. I didn't like them when I was young. I think my mom, who is artsy and crafty, helped make anything I took to school look presentable. And now that I am grown I am seeing how much more I dislike them as they are multiplied by the number of children I have. Projects!!! AHHH! I have one waiting for me to do currently to make something out of 3D shapes for Lauren to take to school.

But this post is not about that. It is about how about 2 weeks ago Sabrina mentioned in the car on the way home that I needed to write her a note to tell her teacher we couldn't do a Science Project. This was the first time I had heard her say anything about any Science anything. She got out some papers from her backpack about a Science Fair and Project including a time line for turning things in. The papers were dated Dec. 10th. It was Jan. 7th. We had missed several lab check deadlines already.

I wondered if perhaps this was an optional thing. So I emailed the teacher that night (it was Friday.) I heard back from her Monday morning that the Science Project was in fact required and that she was shocked I had not heard about it from Sabrina as they had been talking about it lots in class. The final lab book check was due Wednesday according to the paper Sabrina had given me. The teacher said in her email that we should just do the best we could but that Sabrina probably wouldn't be eligible to go to UNLV with her project because she hadn't had a lab book check.

So I had Jon pick up a lab book on his way home from work that night. Sabrina and I brainstormed about what she could do as an experiment. She came up with trying to dissolve packing peanuts with common household chemicals. She got this idea from a friends birthday party that featured a "Mad Scientist." It sounded easy enough to me and not too messy.

So Jon brought home some packing peanuts and that night we got 5 household cleaning agents and wrote up all the steps to the Scientific Method in her lab book and performed the experiment. I must say that the actual experiment part was kinda fun. We enjoyed watching the packing peanuts dissolve in acetone nail polish remover and turn into a goo. And at least she had her lab work done for the final lab book check.

The part I really dreaded was making the display board. That means lots of typing and printing for mom and dad. The final project was due on the 18th. The 17th was Ann Marie's birthday and I had sick kids to take care of and take to doctor's appointments all weekend. It was a crazy weekend.

We did manage to type out all of Sabrina's lab book work and print it out big and put it on the Science Project board I had Jon and Sabrina go buy. I left the pictures for Monday. Tuesday morning about 15 minutes before school I remembered we hadn't gotten to the pictures. I didn't even have them printed out. Luckily I had a spare ink cartridge and could print them out quick at home. Then we quickly used all the rest of the glue in our house to apply them to the board.

We got to school with the completed project just a minute or two before the tardy bell rang. Whatever. I was just glad we got it done and it was out of our house. Whew!

Imagine my surprise yesterday when Sabrina told me she won 4th place in the school's science fair and her project would be going to UNLV to compete in the city wide competition! I was shocked. I was happy for my little girl who was very excited to win a ribbon. Apparently she tells me they judged it based on how well they liked the idea and the experiment and not on how pretty the board looked. Hallelujah.

Words

My Noble has not been a little man of many English words thus far in his life. He talks, in Noblese. But I have been anxious for him to learn some English and start using words to tell us what he thinks and wants and feels.

Actually he is pretty good at letting us know what he wants without words. Maybe he hasn't seen too much need for language yet. If he wants milk he just goes and gets a bottle and brings it to me. If he has a stinky diaper he brings me the wipes. If he is hungry he heads to the pantry to seek out something to eat (or he climbs on a chair to see if anyone has left their food on the table.)

But just recently he has started saying a few more words and I am tickled every time he gets a new one to sound just right. Right now he has the following list down pretty well, "Annie, Nana, Lala, Mama, Dada, Car, Ball, Hi, Bye, Go and UhOh."

Words he is working on but that aren't entirely clear yet are: "Bus, Van, Truck, Brina, Bottle, All the animal names and sounds on Peek a Boo Barn and Peek a Boo Wild, Out, Shoes, and More."

Tonight I was asking him to clean up his cars before he went to bed. He looked right at me and with one definite shake of his head said, "No." It was clear as a bell. No is not one of the words he says regularly. Usually it is "uh uh." I was so pleased that his defiance didn't bother me one bit. I kept asking him to pick up his cars and he kept doing the single head shake and saying, "No." It was beautiful to my ears.

About ten minutes later I got down of the floor and together we picked up his cars and put them away before I took him up to get ready for bed. As I was giving him a bath I made some bubbles in the sink for him to play with. I am not sure he has ever had a real bubble bath and this time the soap made more bubbles that normal. He was thrilled. He held up his hand with bubbles on it in wonder and looked at me. "Yes you got some bubbles," I said.

He put his little hand back down in the water and pulled it up again and clear as a bell said "Bubble." Then he kept doing that over and over and each time saying Bubble. It is lovely to hear him starting to speak and hear his little voice form familiar words. I just love this age and I love my little guy.

Pregnancy Thoughts

As I approach the 30 week mark of my pregnancy, the very small window of "this isn't so bad" feeling that is usually in the middle of my pregnancy has officially closed. My inner dialog is rather whiney. I feel bad that my family has to live with me when I am grumpy and whimpy and can only do about an hour's worth of physical activity a day before I am hurting so bad I need to sit and let my body rest.

On the other hand, even though it is still 10 weeks off I am able to see a bit of the light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to make it through February and March. January is going to be over before we know it. I know it should go fast. But then time somehow seems so much longer at the end of a pregnancy. And I do feel a bit like a kid waiting for Christmas.

I am excited and anxious to meet this new baby and get to know him. I am excited to see what he looks like and give him a solid name. I am anxious to see how life changes taking care of 5 children. I am excited for the delivery and the closeness to the Spirit that there is welcoming a new life into the world. These are the things I have to remind myself of when my back hurts and my pelvis feels like it is coming apart. These are the thoughts that keep me going.

Motherhood - Chapter 1- Failure

I want to start off this series of Motherhood posts with a bit of honesty and truth. But there is some tricky truth to mothering. So allow me to lay down the ground floor here with some notes on failure. 

Every mother, and I do mean EVERY mother, will at some point in her mothering career feel that she has failed. Maybe this has been on my mind this week because I have had a few of those points this last week. The reason every mother feels this is really quite simple. We judge our success (whether consciously or not) on how well our children do in life. And since no child or person is perfect and at some point each of us fails, so then each mother of each child also feels she has failed. 

The real trick to conquering this feeling of failure (which I am sure is sent from the Enemy of all things good) is to recognize that our success as a mother is not based on our child's choices. Kids are supposed to mess up. That doesn't mean we are failing, it means we have opportunities to succeed by helping them learn to do better next time. And the longer it takes to help them overcome their weaknesses or shortcomings, the greater the eventual success right?

So whether your child gets in trouble at school, or acts inappropriately at some social function, or hits someone, or lies, or steals something, or develops a drug problem ... whatever the extent of your child's failure, we must realize that there is only so much a mother can do. Even the perfect Mother and Father have had murderers and dictators and rebellious spirits as children. For every person has to make their own choices and in the end they will be responsible for their own actions. 

Our job as mothers and our success in that job ought to be measured on how well we have applied the knowledge we have available to us based on our current abilities at any given time. Perhaps an example or two will illustrate. 

A mother now would be considered unfit for piling all of her young children and babies into a car without any car seats and taking them out on a busy city street. 35 years ago, people did not have the same knowledge, laws, or baby gear and this was the normal course of behavior. Is my mother's generation a generation of failures because they didn't use car seats? No. 

A mother who is sick and in her bed knows that she ought to go help her child to be obedient when she gives a command. But if her body is not able to get up and go help the child learn this lesson, is she a failure as a mother? No. 

We do the best we can with the knowledge and abilities we have. That is how we ought to measure our success. 

And you know what? Even then we will still sometimes fail. Because we too are human and we mess up. Sometimes we get tired or angry and we say or do things we know we ought not to say or do. Sometimes we neglect to do things we know are important because we forget or get too busy with less important things. It happens to us all. And all too often we beat ourselves up about it.

But even that self beating is coming for an Enemy source. Because the Truth is that a Way has been provided to help us be better and perfect our efforts. When we repent of our mistakes, apologize to our child or children and to God, and make our best efforts to change and do better next time, the Atonement of our Savior can heal the wounds of our mistakes and make up for our failings. 

As one who has felt like the ultimate failure and has felt the deep wounds of her own mistakes, I am a witness to the power of the Atonement to heal our hearts and make us whole. We may always have to live with the physical consequences of our failings, but the Atonement can heal our heart if we so desire. 

"God made our hands washable for a reason," my mother always said as she would clean up icky messes of childhood. And I would add that God made the love between a mother and child nearly unbreakable for the same reason. So that when we make messes in our mothering, the Love between us and our children can help us clean up the mess and forgive each other with hearts cleansed by the Savior. 

Ogre

Tonight Annie got to go spend some birthday money at Target. She picked the Shrek Movies. I told her as we walked to the register how I don't really like those movies. She asked why. I told her it was because they are crude and have lots of potty humor in them. She asked what I meant. I said they make lots of jokes about things like toots and the like.

She noted that her dad also thinks toots are funny. It is true. I told her I just don't like that kind of humor. She said, "Well Mom, Shrek is an ogre. What can you expect?" Point taken. So then I asked, "Well Annie, what about your dad? Is he an ogre then too?"

Her reply -- "Well, maybe half an ogre. He doesn't look like one but ..."

I just had to laugh. This girl's mind just makes me smile.

Taxi

Only my dad would pick up 5 Chinese guys at Walmart who needed a cab and take them 20 minutes out of his way to their China town drop off. Only my dad would make such good friends of them on the drive in all their broken English that they would invite him and my mother to join them for dinner. Only my dad would accept take my mom in the restaurant with them at 9 p.m. for a spontaneous dinner. And who else would afterward pile all 5 of these Chinese men plus one of their friends into his car and drive them to their hotel.

When my mom married my dad she knew one thing for sure ... life with him would never be boring. And I think it is safe to say that at 74 he is anything but boring.

I am grateful the Chinese men were good people. I am sure they are glad my dad isn't a psycho too. I guess these guys come every year for the CES convention. They swapped contact info with my dad to get together next year and invited him to come to China for the best tour ever. :)

A Noble Heart

I wish I had a picture or better yet a video to show you what I am writing about today. Since I have neither, I am left trying to capture a sweet moment with words alone. I promise to keep it under 1000 :) and hope I can still capture it in my own mind at least as vividly as a photograph could.

Ann Marie was having a hard morning. You have to understand that she is ... dramatic. She can make herself cry at the drop of a hat and uses that ability to get what she wants. I actually know she is really upset when she is trying not to cry but failing. So in any case, she was pouting and crying on our way to church. And then she was pouting and crying as church started. I knew her issue wasn't anything too major, so I wasn't worried about her. I just was giving her extra love and trying to keep her sisters from bothering her.

This year our church time starts at Noble's nap time. He is one tired boy at church. So he is often all over the place and hard to keep in the pew. Such was the case today. At least until he saw Annie with her tears. He struggled free of everyone else's grasp and stood up on the pew next to her facing the row behind us. Then he swung one leg over her lap and sat down. He wrapped his little arms tight around her neck and laid his head down on her shoulder.

She wrapped her arms around him and rocked him as she cried. He laid on her like that for quite some time - far longer than I expected or was normal. I don't think anyone could have comforted her better at that moment. He did this two or three times during the beginning of our church meeting until Dad took him out to the foyer to get him to sleep. It just touched my heart to see it.

There is a bit of magic in the touch of this toddler. I am not sure how to describe it. Losing Camille has frozen her at that age in all our hearts and minds. Having Noble here with us as this toddler doesn't replace her in anyway but he is like a surrogate carrier of the loves we would have been able to get and give to her in some way. I am not sure that even makes sense but it just melted my heart to see him loving on Annie today and in church and knowing that that toddler love that she has missed out on has in  some small measure been restored by the sweet and tender heart of her her brother.

Motherhood - Introduction

Two and a half years ago, this is about the last post I ever thought I would be writing. And I am sheepish to write it now. I don't like self promotion. I am not comfortable with it. However, when I am passionate about something, I like to share and support it. And one thing I am passionate about is the importance and beauty of motherhood. 

I was passionate enough to give up my law career to spend every waking minute with my babies ( I was fortunate to be able to have that choice.) I have been trying desperately these last 9.5 years to be the best mother I can to each of my 5.5 children. I fail somedays. Or maybe I should say I fail in SOME way almost everyday. But I also have seen so many joyous successes as I have watched my children grown and learn and become better despite my mistakes. 

I am not one to spend too much time beating myself up about my short comings. But I fully recognize how many I have. So can you imagine my shock when I recently got a phone call from our State American Mothers representative informing me that I had been selected as Nevada's Young Mother of the Year for the 2011 year? 

I have spent the weeks since that phone call trying to make sense of this honor and trying to learn how that happened and what that means exactly. I had heard of "Mother of the Year" before because I knew a friend of mine's mother got that. 

In my investigation I have learned more about the American Mothers organization and how it promotes and supports motherhood. You can learn more about them HERE. I feel good about supporting their cause by serving as this year's Nevada Young Mother of the Year. I hope to bring a bit of attention to their cause. And so this year I will be doing a weekly post on some aspect of Motherhood. I hope you will enjoy this series of posts and that it will help us all remember how important motherhood is and the sacred trust we have been given to take part in it.

If any of you would like to show your support for the American Mother's organization or help sponsor me as their 2011 Young Mother for Nevada you can email me at stephaniewaite@gmail.com. 

Finding Lost Things

As a small child one of the first prayers I ever recognized as being answered was a petition to the Lord to help me find a lost thing. I remember one Sunday searching for a lost shoe to go to church. I was very young and we were late. I prayed and prayed and searched. I finally found it in some obscure cupboard.  I think finding a lost thing may have been a common first answered prayer for many of us.

Later in my teenage life, I had some very significant answers to prayers regarding finding lost things. I found an earring I had lost months earlier, an expensive ring I lost at the beach at night, and the same ring I lost in a huge field in a sudden rain storm. Finding each of this items was a miraculous answer to prayer for me. These experiences helped build my testimony that there is a God in heaven who does love us enough to answer our prayers, even when our prayers are not for something of eternal worth.

When Camille was in the hospital and I was praying for her to be made well, I thought back on all these answered prayers over little things. I wondered why the Lord would answer so many little prayers for me and not answer this most fervent and important prayer. I had never wanted something so much. I knew He could heal her. I knew He could raise her from the dead if he would just say the word. Why would He not? And yet He didn't. When I changed my prayers to asking for strength to accept Him will concerning her, only then did I feel the peace that only He can bring. 

Those days weeks and months following Camille's accident, I felt lost. When my brother told me he was worried about me, I told him I was worried about me too. How could I ever find wholeness again? How would I find joy and happiness in life? How would I find myself when part of me was buried in the grave?

The month of December 2010 seemed to me to be a month of finding lost things. I shared earlier on this blog that I finally found the video tape of Camille's first 8 months of life. What a gift this was. It is a treasure and by far the best gift we received this season. But I also was able to find many other little insignificant things all month long. 

I found the lost bag of pajamas I bought at the store and left there thanks to an honest stranger. I found an earring back for Sabrina that no one else could find in a thick shag carpet. I found a doll dress for Lauren that we had searched for over and over. I found Sabrina's glasses for her. I found a lost medicine that I had been searching for in a place I had already looked several times. I found Jon's lost keys in the food cupboard behind the baking items. I could go on and on.

Now I know that I have become a better "finder" since becoming a mother. I think mothers just know more of where everything is. But this month has been different. In each case, I have searched and used all my "Mother" finding ability without success. And then I have offered a prayer and tried to follow my feelings about where to look. In each case I have found the item. 

Sometimes it has been immediate. With the earring back I was sure it was lost. I felt all over that shag carpet. I asked Sabrina where she was when she lost it. All the cousins and Aunts and Uncles had already looked for it already and not found it. I came down from a nap to look as well. I was not finding it. I said a quick prayer in my head. Still I could not feel it in the thick shag. I sat up and told Sabrina we would have to go get another one. I looked down to my right and there it was sitting on the carpet right next to me.

Other times it has taken some time. Jon had been missing his keys for over a month. I had prayed several times trying to find them. No luck. Then one day in mid December I went to look for something else in the pantry and found them some baking things. It took a bit longer than the earring back, but my prayers to find this lost thing were answered. The keys were found.

And how many times did I pray to find that Camille video? Countless times. How many times had a searched? Countless. And yes at long last that prayer too was answered and the video was found. 

All this finding in December got me thinking about how the Lord can and does find Lost Things. He finds lost keys and toys and shoes. And He also finds the lost and weary soul. Talking to Jenny Nygard on the phone a few days before Christmas brought back to my mind how I felt in those early days - how lost I was. In the days after that conversation I have seen just how "found" I have become in knowing once more who I am and how richly I have been blessed. 

And so I wanted to offer to any who read this (especially my own children someday) my testimony of the Lord's ability to find lost things both small and large. If you feel lost or out of touch with your Heavenly Father or forgotten by Him, I say to you that He has not forgotten you. I know this with a surety that words cannot convey. You are not lost to Him. And if you turn to Him in humility - not having to understand all His reasons and methods - just in humility to accept His will for you, He will get in touch with you. He will help you become Found. It may take time, years even, but He will make you Found. 

True Spirit of Christmas Part III

I know it is a bit late for todays challenge. Actually my own True Spirit task for the day was to visit Camille's grave. It has been a long while since we were last there. But perhaps I will tell you tomorrow's challenge today so you can prepare if you choose to join me.

Tomorrow I am going to have each person in my family write a letter to Jesus. Consider it a sort of birthday letter. We all know that some of the best gifts we can be given are heartfelt letters from those we love. We have a stocking just for Jesus. It is white velvet and beautiful. Every year we fill it with our "gifts" to the Savior. Other years we have done promises of how we will change or lists of acts of service we have performed in His name. This year we are going to do letters of love.

We will also be reading the Christmas story from the Bible before we write these letters. Feel free to join if you like.

Nygard Family

I spoke with Jenny Nygard tonight. She is in the state of shock you would imagine. She has 4 other little children aged 5 and under to keep her moving from day to day. I remember being where she is. The shock and pain and inability to eat or sleep.

I will be sending a care package to them. If you would like to join me in this effort their address is
15403 Corliss Place North
Shoreline WA 98133

They are a young couple in dental school. It is not cheap to pay for mortuary and cemetery costs plus the expense of a headstone. If you want to help this family consider sending money or a care package. I remember getting packages for my kids that really helped them find joy in a very sad time. Some ideas may be, a locket or activities for kids or an angel christmas tree ornament. Let the Spirit guide you. Or just money. It will cost them several thousand dollars no doubt when all is said and done. That is a lot when you are a student.

Thank you to all of you who have gone over to leave her comments. For those who want to go to her blog you can click HERE.

The True Spirit Part II

Jesus taught us that when we serve our fellow man we are really serving Him. So what better way to get into the True Spirit of Christmas than to serve someone who is in need. Maybe we don't daily come across people in our path that have real dire needs. But there are people out there everyday, in every city, with dire needs. Maybe we feel their needs are too big for us to help in any real way. But any small offering to a person in great need will be felt in the soul with gratitude.

So my challenge today is to reach out and serve someone in need - real need. I have been in real need before and had others there to serve me in small but meaningful ways. It is the best gift ever. Today I intend to give that gift to someone else.

Perhaps you would love to join me in this challenge but can't think of anyone to serve. May I present a suggestion.

Just a minute ago I checked my email and saw a comment on my last post from Jenny (an admitted follower/stalker of my blog since Camille's passing.) In her comment she told me that her 14 month old son died in his sleep last night. I will be calling Jenny today, as soon as I can get my kids settled so that I can give her my attention.

I know how it feels to be Jenny - shell shocked and stunned and sadder than words can ever describe. I can only imagine how it would be to have this tragedy hit just before Christmas. One thing that helped me was the overwhelming support I got through this blog and all the comments of love and support and the packages that showed up from friends and strangers alike. They were small things that meant a great deal to me in my darkest hours.

So if you don't have a better idea, go over to her blog and leave a comment for Jenny and her family to let them know they are loved and supported. Then go say a heartfelt prayer for them. If I get her permission I will post an address where we can send care packages to them on this post later, after I talk to her.

Hopefully this will be the most meaningful gift we give this year, the gift of love and support to one in real need and consequently to our Savior.

Catching the True Spirit of Christmas

In an effort to really focus my Christmas celebrating on the Savior I am counting down these last days with a series of challenges that I hope will hone my focus on the Savior and His Spirit this season. I hope all who read will join me in these challenges and pass them along so that we may increase the true Christmas Spirit exponentially in these last few days.

So for the first challenge, I ask that you listen to Handel's Messiah today. I have the CDs and will be pulling them out to be the soundtrack of my day. If you can't do this, at least watch the clip below to get a bit of that true Christmas Spirit of the Savior.

25.5 Weeks

For those of you who only understand pregnancy in terms of months, this means I am about 5.5 months. I will be 6 months on New Years Eve. So I still have quite a ways to go. Here is what I am looking like these days (well this morning actually.) I guess I should note that I actually think I look much smaller in this photo than normal but then I am wearing all black and my hubby took this photo looking down at me (both seem to have a slimming effect.)

The bottom line is that my belly is out there. I feel bigger bellied than I normally am at this point. That makes me think maybe this baby is going to be a bigger baby. I feel as big as I was with Lauren at this point and she was 9 lbs. 4 ozs. So we will see if this feeling continues through the rest of this pregnancy or if it changes as this progress.

Another note about this baby. He seems rather chill. He is not a crazy active baby. Sure I feel him moving often but never with huge kicks or repeated big movements. He just shifts around and gently nudges me from time to time. I hope that is a foreshadowing of personality. I could sure use a chill baby. :) You know, the kind that hardly ever cries and loves to sleep. Lauren was like that. It was awesome.

And for our name update - we do have a name we like. But we are not so settled on it that we feel like announcing it yet. All our girls are pretty much planning on it and tell everyone that is the baby's name but Jon and I think we will may wait till the baby is born before we make it official and announce a name. We have a few back up names we also like in case one of those seems more appropriate at the time. We will see.

Anyway I thought you might like to see how the belly grows these days. It grows. And I grow with it. I am feeling much better today. So glad not to feel so sick anymore. Hopefully I can stay healthy through the rest of the holidays.

Last day of School

Christmas Break starts after school today. I have an agenda of activities to do with the kids in the week leading up to Christmas. I hope I feel well enough to make it happen. I feel like I have been sick this whole pregnancy between my morning sickness for the first 20 weeks and this cold for the past 3.

But I still have hope that I will be better any day. And I have so many fun things I want to do with the kids that I hope I really am better... like tomorrow. At least my asthma is under control and I can breathe.

I follow as blog called the Family Volley. It is written by a part time professor of Family Psychology at my alma mater BYU and full time mom of 3. I like it because she has great tips for common family problems and super ideas for family fun. I particularly liked her last post on ideas for fun activities to do with your kids during this Christmas break. You can find it HERE.  Some of them were already on my "do list" but she had a few I will be adding.

What is your favorite family activity leading up to Christmas?

36

Today I am 36. Jon sent me to the spa as my present. It was the best present ever. I got a "mommy to be" massage and a pedicure. I was there for about 3 hours and I felt like I was in heaven and not sick for all 3 of those hours. It was great.

It made me think, as I was getting my massage and thinking of how heavenly it was, about what the soundtrack of heaven would be like? Maybe different for every person? I have to think it will be quieter there than here but I wonder if there will be music playing all the time to emote peace. Or maybe music will be on a whole new level there that we can't even imagine here.

I look forward to having all of those curious questions of mine answered someday. For now I am more than happy to enjoy the "heavenly" things of this earth - like a great spa day for a tired achy body.

Random Post

After my 3 hour nap yesterday, I ended up crawling into bed at around 7 p.m. I slept till 9, got up for an hour and headed back to bed till 8 this morning. All that sleep has really helped and I feel much more alive today. I can tell I still have a bit of a head cold but at least I have some energy and the nausea is gone.

I just got off the phone with a friend whose neighbor had a 2 year old child drown a couple days ago. She wanted my advice on how she could help or what she could do. My heart aches for this unknown family having to face this at Christmas of all times. I will be praying for them.

We have school off today for Parent Student Teacher Conferences. Going to all 3 conferences in a row this morning just highlighted to me how different each of my children are and how much work it is to figure out how to parent each of them according to their specific needs. Each kid has some totally different area to work on. Their personalities are just so different.

And then there is Noble, waking up from his nap right now. Guess I better log off as I am back on duty.

My Fairy Godmother

Today has been a rough day. I don't know why but this pregnancy just is kicking my bootie. I was up last night nauseous again. What is the deal with that? Not sure. But it sapped my energy today. I have been dragging all day. But I had stuff to do so... you know. I drug myself out of bed and did my chores.

The grocery store was my first stop. Then home to make soup for my families tonight. I made cream of broccoli. It was a soup day for me for sure.  Mid day I called my mom to see if she could pick up some bread bowls for me. She said she would be out in few hours to bring them to me. Just then my soup boiled over making a huge mess of my cooktop. Oh and the phone rang.

I was dead on my feet by this point so I turned off the stove and headed up to take a nap while Noble napped. I woke up 3 hours later to find my mother in my newly cleaned kitchen with my kids. I felt like Cinderella.

I love my mother. She is the best. I am so grateful to have her close and for all the help she gives me. Mothers truly are the best invention ever.

Remembering

People often ask me if I think of Camille every day still. The answer is YES. I think of her every. single. day. And more than once a day too. I think of her every time I see the plants in our home that were given to us by people at her funeral. I think of her as I see photos of her and places she used to love to be in our home. I remember her everyday.

I remember her daily not always with sorrow. Most of the time my thoughts of her are loving and tender but not sad and filled with negative or unhelpful emotions like regret and wishing things were different. It just is what it is and she still IS and so I remember her. I remember her as I try to make choices to keep the Spirit in our home so she will feel welcome here. I remember her as I make tough choices that will help me grow closer to Christ and thus closer to being where she is.

I have had remembering on my mind a bit lately as I have friends struggling with their extended family not "remembering" their deceased child at important times. This is a hard thing. It is hard to have the world and even your family not remember your child who still IS bur just can't be seen.

It isn't that they necessarily forget your child. But not forgetting and remembering are different. You can not forget and simple not think of someone. It is natural. It happens to all of us. We move away from friends and then people we used to think about everyday are no longer a part of our daily lives. We don't forget them. We simply don't think of them everyday anymore.

And it is natural that this happens when people we know die, I suppose. That is how I am with my grandparents. I even think of them still often. But not daily. Not like Camille. When someone you are that close to dies, it is different. You remember them every single day. And it is hard to see others not remember when you remember her so well.

Last night as I was praying, I told the Lord that I remember His Son.  Then I thought about that. How well do I remember Him?  How close am I to Him? Do I really remember Him everyday? It gave me a good perspective on how my Father must want ME to remember His Son. I vowed to do better at really remembering Him. I vowed to cut through the noise of the world and the fun of the season and really REMEMBER Him and what He did for me - who He is to me - what He can teach me still.

Maybe if I work harder to really remember Him, it will be easier to become more like Him. And if nothing else I can say with a fully honest heart in my prayers to the Father that I Do Remember Him every. single. day.

Lost and Found

Today I went looking for some little prizes I had left over from one of our block parties. I needed them to create a little gift for a Secret Santa family. I knew they were in the closet under our stairs. I had seen them when I cleaned it out just a few weeks ago.

I didn't find them. I hate losing things. Some things I lose are no big deal - like these little prizes. They are just an annoyance. Other things we lose are kind of a bigger deal but with enough money they can be replaced - like Jon's keys to our car. Then there are some losses that can never be replaced and they just eat at you over the years.

As I was searching for those prizes I looked in a storage container with some odds and ends in it. Inside I found what I would like to think of as Camille's birthday/Christmas present to me, to Jon, and to our little family. I saw a mini DV tape with the title "Camille's birth" on it. I have been missing it since we moved into this house almost 3 years ago.

After she died I searched high and low for it. I knew it existed because I had written about it in my journaling of her birth. But for all my grief stricken searching I couldn't find it. How many times since then have I seen a mini DV tape and wondered where THAT tape was?

I called the girls together and plugged the tape in to the machine to play it on the TV. It is an hour long of her first 8 months on this earth. It has her first and only Christmas. It has lots of time with Jon just taping her newborn noises and her learning to roll. It also has adorable footage of the older girls. It has Lauren's 2nd birthday and Sabrina's kindergarten graduation and first piano recital. It has Annie at just barely 4 years old welcoming her baby sister Camille into the world, being the first to hold her hand and stroke her head.

She was so beautiful and perfect. One of the first scenes after her birth was of me holding her and dressing her at 2 weeks old. It was just me and her and Jon taping. I told of how everywhere we went everyone wanted to hold her. Now I know people love newborns and want to hold them. But this was different. Everywhere she went with me people ... strangers ... asked me if they could hold her - my 2 week old.  And I let them. She loved people. She was so happy to be out and about with other people to look at and explore.

In the tape I said, "our beautiful little Camille. She is our family's ambassador to the world." How prophetic this statement turned out to be. And she still is. I am overcome ... with joy at finding this tape ... with sorrow missing her ... with gratitude for this most precious "gift" of a find. I am simply undone.

'Tis the Season

I have spent the week coughing. I have spent the nights trying to breathe through my asthma. Sabrina was sent home sick from school on Friday. She has a fever and cough. This morning Annie had a fever. We girls are staying home from church and trying to find our own bit of spirituality at home today -- between naps and coughs and medicine.

I guess it is the season and this is what happens. I have been thinking that if I am not significantly better by tomorrow that maybe I will go see a doctor. Then I realized I haven't been to a doctor other than my OBGYN since I moved to Vegas. That is about 4 years. Sure I have been sick with colds, a stomach bug here and there, and pregnancy related things but it has been a long time since I have been really sick. What a blessing.

And knowing how many people out there in the world are suffering daily from illnesses and chronic pain I will certainly not complain about my cough and asthma. I have come to see more clearly in the past couple years that suffering is all relative. It is all real. But in the grand scheme, it is also all relative.

Merry Christmas!

I will be picking up my Christmas Card tomorrow and working on getting them out this week. Here is a view for all you who faithfully follow!

A great big thanks to Whitney Bennett who helped bring my idea for our Christmas card to life again this year. If you are interested in having her design a card for you or using one of her preset designs, shoot her an email at whitbennett@gmail.com. Custom cards run $20 and preset designs are only $10.

Gratitude Day 30

I am grateful for giving. 

I am grateful that we all get to give of ourselves during this Christmas season. 

I am so very grateful for all that the readers of this blog give to me everyday. Even if you just read and have never made a comment. I still feel the support from you. I thank you. I am grateful for you.

I am grateful for all the prayers that have been said in behalf of my family over the years. 

I am grateful for the help or at least understanding I have been able to offer other families who have had to enter this journey of grief. 

I am grateful for all the gifts and service that has been done for our family.

I am grateful for Christine Dallimore who made and sent me this adorable "Camille Doll" this summer. She has been loved and cared for by Camille's mother and sisters. She even sent a couple of alternate outfits. This Christmas she has taken a place of honor in our home.

 We never had found an angel for the top of our tree that we liked. This Camille doll is perfect. She is our own little angel sitting at the top of our family tree. Thank you Christine. We love the role she fills on our tree and how it reminds us of the role she continues to play in our lives. 

Most of all I am grateful for the God's gift of His Son to the earth. It is through this greatest of all gifts that all mankind is blessed and given hope for better things to come.

I am grateful for giving.

Gratitude Day 29

I am grateful that I am not alone.

Last night I was up quite often. I have a bit of a cough that gets bad only at night right now. But it had me up in the night last night several times coughing, drinking, peeing, and taking my inhaler so I could breathe.

Around 4 a.m. I was up yet again. I was having a hard time falling back asleep with all my coughing. Now it isn't like I was on death's doorstep. I wasn't so miserable that I was praying for relief. I was just up. And of course when I am up I am thinking. And as I was laying there thinking, I realized something. I realized I was not alone - and I don't mean that Jon was in the bed with me. I mean he was but someone was with me awake and aware with me.

It is hard to describe how this realization came. It wasn't a vision or some major spiritual event. It was more like when you know something is bothering you but you can't put a finger on what and suddenly you realize it is that you are hot or hungry and you have been to busy to notice. Well it was like that. I just felt ... not alone ... watched over.

I did not feel any impression of who it was and really it doesn't matter. I was just grateful that even in our small troubles the Lord sends someone to stand by us and watch over us. I wish I could "realize" or recognize this every time it happens. I am sure it happens so much more than any of us know.

I was grateful to be able to "feel" it and recognize it last night. No matter where we are or what is going on around us, we are not alone. We are being watched over. We have a heavenly cheering section helping us through hard things and encouraging us to make the right choices everyday. Oh that we may follow their sway more and listen less to the temptations of the adversary.

I am so grateful that the Lord sees fit to not leave us alone.

Gratitude Day 28

Today I am grateful for the pitter patter of little feet in my home. Every time I hear the fast soft rushing of Noble's little feet against our tile floors I smile in gratitude. I am so grateful to have a little someone rushing around discovering the world one tiny step at a time. The sound of his running little feet reminds me of how blessed I am to have a tiny little one in my life again.

Gratitude Day 27

I am thankful I wasn't up all night throwing up like my brother and his wife. I am grateful for our safe journey home. I am thankful to have a bed to sleep in. I am really really thankful for my own bed.

Gratitude Day 26

Today I am grateful for time with family. Last night we all sat around the fire talking after we put the kids to bed. We are with my parents and my brother Stephen and his wife Rachel who live in Texas. My parents asked about how Jon and I ever got together. I guess they had never heard the story.

So I told the long story. It was fun to share it with them. Then we all talked about family and memories. It was a rare treat to hear my dad, sitting in his dad's overalls, telling stories of memories growing up and what his home life was like.

It was so different from the life I have known. Farm life in the 40's was apparently all work and no play or talk or anything else. We also got to hear more about my dad's life after he left home to go to school and how he decided to go to law school because a buddy was doing it and he didn't want to go into the army yet.

I will have to sit down and write down all the stories he told us last night. It is a rare thing to get my dad talking like that about his family life and days as a single. Today skiiing is on the agenda. I wish I could go. But I don't think it is the wisest idea being pregnant and I am not sure I could find any bibs that would fit me. Still I hope my kids enjoy their time on the slopes. I have great family memories of skiing. I hope my kids will have many years of developing these same kind of memories with their cousins for years to come.

Gratitude Day 25

I am grateful to have a holiday where we focus on being grateful. Doing this 30 days of gratitude challenge has really altered the way I think and made me focus on my blessings more than any other year. I think doing a whole month is a super way to ease into the Christmas season.

I am excited for the meal today. I love Thanksgiving meal more than any other. Can't wait to enjoy it later today.

Gratitude Day 24

Today I am grateful for clear roads and snow plows. They make traveling to see family so much more safe. I am grateful for our safety in driving up to the cabin see my brother and his family who drove up from Texas with their 4 kiddos to spend Thanksgiving with us. We don't get to see them very often so I am especially grateful for clear roads that facilitated our trip.

Gratitude Day 23

Today I am grateful for my K-Tec Mixer. With its "Auto Knead" button, it makes bread and roll making easy. It automatically turns off when the gluten level is properly kneaded. I love homemade bread and this machine makes it as easy to make as making cookies.

Today I made bread for a few of my visiting teaching people who have been sick and a couple in our ward who were in a bad car accident. Tomorrow I will be making the dough for our family Thanksgiving rolls. All this would have taken so much more time and muscle without modern devices like my K-Tec mixer.

I am so grateful to be born in this modern age. And today I am thankful for my K-Tec Mixer.

Gratitude Day 22

Today I am grateful for good, honest people - and one such person in particular.

Saturday morning I piled the 4 kids into the car and took them out Christmas shopping. Toys'Rus was our first stop. After we all had looked at all the toys, I left two kids in an aisle close by to look at toys and took Noble and the other child to go pick out presents for the two in the aisle. Then I covered up the choices with my coat and went to get the next girl.

This worked well and everyone got their presents for their siblings in no time. Then I sent the three oldest girls around the corner toward the exit while I paid. Next stop was the mall to buy pajamas for the cousins they were assigned this year. I realized when we got to the mall that I didn't bring a stroller. Hmmm. Not great but whatever.

I took the kids into Macy's. We went upstairs to the kids section and found great PJs for 3 of the 4 cousins. Each kid picked out a pair for the cousin assigned to them. I paid and we headed downstairs. I decided to get Jon's birthday present while we were there so we headed back upstairs to the men's department to get it. This is where things started to get a bit hairy. The kids were about "done" shopping and Noble was tired and cranky. I was carrying everyone's jackets and our package and Noble on and off.

I found what we wanted and went to the checkout where I waited till the clerk was ready for me. All the while attempting to keep my children in the store and out of the middle of the clothes racks. Oh and playing referee with siblings mad at each other about who got to hold Noble or hold his hand. It was a bit crazy to say the least. Finally we got to check out. I grabbed our package and took off. We were late for a birthday party.

I had to run to Jon's store across the street and swap cars with him and give Noble to him and grab out the bags with the birthday presents and his present and transfer them to his car. Finally, we girls headed to the birthday party.

The next day I asked Jon to bring the other packages in from the car so we could wrap some things. That night I went to look for the pajamas I bought for the cousins. I couldn't find them. I looked in the closet where Jon had put the other packages. Nothing. I search both cars. Nothing. Then it hit me. I bet I left them at Macy's in the men's department.

I slept fretfully last night wondering what happened and upset that I probably left the bag there. I couldn't even go back and rebuy them. Two of the PJs were the last ones in the necessary sizes. I was bummed. It seems this kind of thing happens to me every Christmas. Something either gets lost in the mail or I forget something and when I go back it is gone.

So this morning I went to look at Macy's for the bag. It was not in the mens department. I went to look in the children's department. No luck. And they still didn't have the same PJs to rebuy in the right size. I grabbed a worker and asked her where such a lost item might be. She said she would check the lost and found for me.

About 10 minutes I could see her coming back. "Well, here she comes to tell me how sorry she is," I thought. Then as she got closer I saw her raise her arm up and in her hand there was a Macy's bag. I was shocked. I mean really stunned and so happy.

So today I am ultra grateful for the honest person who saw that bag and instead of just walking out of the store with it, turned it in to the lost and found. Thank you whoever you are. You just renewed my faith in good strangers doing the honest thing at Christmas time. May we ALL be so honest in our dealings with our fellow men, strangers or not.

Gratitude Day 21

Today I am grateful for my in-laws. It is my mother-in-law's birthday today. She is a wonderful woman whom I greatly admire. She has so many talents and abilities and such a pure heart and valiant, faith-filled spirit. I feel incredibly lucky to have her as a mother-in-law.

I know so many of my friends who don't really like their in-laws. It is not common to find someone who really genuinely LOVES their in-laws. And if you have never met anyone who does, you can count me as the first.

And that is really saying something when you have as many in-laws as I do. I mean, I have LOTS of in-laws. I have 4 siblings who are all married. I truly love each of my siblings spouses. My siblings chose their mates very well and I am so thankful that.

Then there is Jonathan's family. I already told you that I love my mother-in-law. My father-in-law is pretty great too. I love to see the example he is of a loving husband and father and grandfather. He has a sweet relationship with his wife that I hope Jon and I can emulate.

Now Jonathan has 8 siblings. Yes 8. And I love all of them. I mean I think each of them is so great. I love to hang out with them. They are all great people. Seven of those 8 are married. And I love every one of those 7 mates as well. They are all good people I enjoy hanging out with.

How many people can say that with such a big family. I even adore all my nieces and nephews (there are 35 almost 36 of those.) I know that it is a rare thing to truly enjoy every one of your in-laws. I am so grateful to have married into such a great family and for the wise choices each of my siblings and in-laws have made in their marriage choices. I am grateful for the love and support I feel for and from all of this extended family.

Gratitude Day 20

Today I am grateful for TUMS. I am finally past the nausea part of pregnancy. That ended sometime in the middle of my 19th week. Geez that was a long one for me. Now the heartburn has begun. So I am grateful for TUMS which helps keep it at bay.

I am grateful to feel the gentle nudging of this little Snickerdoodle in my belly. It is reassuring and miraculous every time to me. I am in the middle of my 21st week and all is going well. I am trying to master my self control when I am tired and uncomfortable. I am afraid I get rather snippy when those two are combined. I am working really hard to correct that.

I went to Stake Conference last night and the visiting general authority taught us that every time we are tempted we are first warned by the Spirit. He told us when we feel tempted to stop and take a step or two back and look for where the warning was. He said this would help us better recognize the promptings and warnings of the Spirit so we could more easily avoid temptations.

I am going to experiment with that. It would be wonderful to be more in tune with the Spirit and be better able to avoid temptation.

I guess I am grateful for his talk too. It is always wonderful to hear something new or some new way to look at something or see something. This concept or idea was new to me.

Gratitude Day 19

Today I am grateful for the Lord's ultimate patience with me and His abounding mercy. One of my little girls made a goal to make her present to Camille this year that she would not "hit back" when someone hit her. Basically she was making it a goal not to lose her temper. A few of us in this family have tempers.

About two days later she had broken her goal. I told her I was disappointed in her. She looked up at me and in anguish said, "I know Mom but it is SO hard! I said I would try but it is really hard!" And so it is. I told her that she is right. But that is why she needed to feel sorrow for her mistake and repent so she wouldn't want to make the same mistake again.

We all have that thing that is just so hard for us. You know that little habit or flaw we all want so much to fix or eliminate. I certainly have mine. As this child said this to me I thought of my own failings that I seem to promise each night in my prayers that I will try harder to do better at tomorrow. Sometimes it seems these little things are the hardest things of all.

Pregnancy and the physical discomforts that accompany it only make these weaknesses of mine more difficult to control. So tonight I am grateful for the Mercy of the Savior and His patience with me as I daily try to overcome my own weaknesses and strive to become more like Him.

Gratitude Day 18

Today I am grateful for my mother. It isn't her birthday. She isn't even close to 74 :). But I am grateful for her today and everyday anyway.

My mother has been my north star. She has been the guiding force in my life to help me know right and wrong, polite and rude, appropriate or inappropriate. She has been the example to me of how to be a righteous woman and raise righteous children. She has helped me navigate dangerous waters of my youth with a firm and loving hand.

I never had a question about where my mother stood on any moral issue or church standard. And my dad was firmly with her in every case. They stood together. But it was my mother who taught the standards to me. I am so grateful to her for that sense of right and duty and love that she instilled in me. It has been an anchor to my soul as an adult.

I am so grateful for my mother and I feel honored to have been born to such a valiant, obedient, and loving woman.

Gratitude Day 17

Today I am grateful for my father. It is his birthday today. He is 74. I am so grateful to have been born to his home and been raised under his watchful and terribly wise eye. My father has an uncanny amount of street smarts. And he isn't too bad in the book smarts area either. Plus he loves to learn and growing up on a farm, serving in the military, and becoming an attorney; he learned about nearly every thing.

As a kid I really thought he did know everything. Or at least if he didn't know it, he knew somebody really well who did. And he did. Now he is a little behind in some of the technology out there. But he still manages to find people who know the things he doesn't and make friends of them.

I am grateful to him for living a worthy life, for loving my mother, and for always putting his family first. He has taught me by example about the relationship we each have with our Heavenly Father. He has been a steady anchor in my stormy times of life. He has helped me see my way when I have felt lost.

I am grateful for my father.

Gratitude Day 16

I am grateful to have food to eat whenever I am hungry. Today the kids and I read in the Old Testament where the Israelites complained about only getting manna to eat. We talked about how important it is to grateful in all things and not to complain.

I am so blessed to never have really gone hungry. And even more, I am blessed to have so much choice and control in what I eat. I am grateful for the food I have always had to eat. There are so many out there who do go hungry day by day. It is truly a blessing to have food on the table, be it manna, potatoes, or cold mush. I am grateful to have food.

Gratitude Day 15

I am grateful for bargains. Pretty much since we moved into this house I have been searching for a piece of furniture to go in a certain area. I knew my the height and length and width parameters. I just needed a buffet or chest or table to go under these pictures in my hall and give me something to put stuff on at Christmas time.

This year I was determined to find something. I just don't have enough table space for our nativity and all the kids Christmas trees and the advent calendar etc... So Jon and I spent a night and a day furiously hunting. We went to lots of stores. Everything was either too short (it had to be tall enough so Noble couldn't pull stuff off it), or not long enough (it is to go on a very long wall and needed to be at least 6 feet long), or too expensive (Jon gave me a budget of $800).

I was getting frustrated. We found a buffet online at Target.com that would work if we bought 2 of them. But we would have to assemble it and I just knew it would be some cheap piece based on the price and some of the reviews.

In a last ditch effort we hit the stores again. Everything was well over $1000 and we didn't even find one the right size. As we were passing a certain exit on the freeway I mentioned we could try the consignment store where we got a couple other things. It is very hit or miss and not always a great deal but Jon swerved over 3 lanes of traffic to hit the exit so I could run in and look.

I left him with the kids and ran in. It was so overly crowded. I saw one piece the right size but totally not our style and still several hundred dollars. I weaved my way around the narrow aisles and back in the back corner I saw a piece that looked the right size. It was a little shorter than ideal but tall enough. I went over for a closer look. I didn't love the color and it was somewhat beat up and out of date looking. But I could tell it was a quality piece of furniture.

Then I saw the price ... $89! Suddenly this piece looked so much better. I could see it refinished or painted and it began to have real possibility. I called Jon to bring the crew in to see. He took one look and said he didn't like it. Then I told him it was only $89. Suddenly he was calling a guy over to measure it for us. Upon closer inspection it is a very nice though rather old piece of furniture.

Best of all it had plenty of nobs on which we could hang all our Christmas stockings and some to spare. That was an unspoken desire I had for the perfect piece. It also has 9 drawers. Great for storage. I think I will give one to each kid to keep their own "special stuff" in. Then when the drawer is full they will have to go through and get rid of what is not special enough to keep anymore.

I know I have been bad about posting photos but this post needs one don't you think?
Here is our find in our home bare:

And here is one with the stockings hung:

And one with more of the room:

Maybe tomorrow we will have time to decorate the top with the Christmas trees. Oh and while I am posting photos. Here is what my belly was looking like last week at around 19-20 weeks.

Gratitude Day 14

Today I am grateful for angels. I am grateful for the angels in my life who watch over me from beyond the grave. And I am grateful for the angels on my Christmas tree that we just decorated today. I am grateful especially for ALL the angels on my Angel Camille Christmas Tree and for all the living angels who sent them to me.

I love Christmas and decorating the trees has become one of my vary favorite parts. I have actually given up doing the actual decorating. Jon helps the girls do that. Well and Noble helped hand out ornaments to the girls too this year. He loved it. But I reserve the job of unpacking each ornament for myself. I love unwrapping each delicate ornament and remembering when we got it.

It is fun to see the handmade ornaments by the girls from years past. I give everyone an ornament every year. Many years they have been ones that have a photo of the person in it. I love pulling those out to see their cute little faces from days gone by.

And then decorating Camille's Angel tree ... well that is just the best ever. I feel the love and support of so many all over again as I unpack each carefully selected ornament. Many have her picture with them. They represent her so well. I think of each angel and who sent her and I am filled with joy and love. Plus the tree is so whimsical and fun and Dr. Suessish that it makes me smile every time I see it.

Christmas is a season of angels. I can feel them closer in my home and in my own heart. And I think the Spirit of Christmas works to bring the angel out in all of us. I hope I can be angelic in my service to others this Christmas as a way to pay forward all the service so many angels on both sides of the veil have done for me. I am so grateful for angels

Gratitude Day 13

Today I am grateful for windshields. I was driving home on the freeway after getting my hair done. Two tiny rocks hit my windshield making me jump in my seat. Not three minutes later a big rock almost the size of a golf ball smacked into my windshield right in front of my face. If my windshield hadn't been there it would have hit me in my face I am sure. Today I am very grateful for my windshield. And it is especially is awesome because it didn't even crack.

Gratitude Day 12

It is Friday. I am grateful for Fridays. They mean I get to spend more time with my hubby and kiddos. They mean my house is clean. And tonight it means date night. After about 4 months of feeling too sick to go out at night I am finally feeling up to a date night again. Hallelujah!

Not sure what we will go do tonight but I am looking forward to a night out with my man. I have been doing "projects" the past 3 days with the kids. So far we have cleaned out the closet under the stairs and organized all the gift wrapping and holiday stuff. We cleaned out the mud room area closet that always gets super junky. We have gone through the stuffed animals and filled two garbage bags full of them to give away. We have gone through all Noble's baby toys to remove and store those he has grown out of and throw out or give away those he doesn't use. We have gone through Sabrina's clothes and stored away all the clothes that are too small for her now. We have done the same for Ann Marie's clothes.

Now I have to go through the Lauren clothes and the Noble clothes and ALL the kids shoes. Then I have one craft dresser to go through and then I think we will be about ready to start our Christmas decorating. I just need to find a decent buffet table or sideboard for my foyer area so I will have a place to put up my little christmas trees. I have been wanting one for years. Maybe Jon and I will go hunting for one tonight.

It is going to be fun to deck the halls again. Though I am worried it will be a challenge to keep Noble out of the fun this year. I haven't had a toddler at Christmas since Lauren. We missed that Christmas where Camille would have been into everything. So we will get to experience it with Noble this year and appreciate the thousand times we have to tell him not to touch the tree.

Sorry I am kinda rambling here. I have enjoyed doing this 30 days of gratitude but sometimes I just like to write out my thoughts too. Lately, I have been thinking about what I most want to "give" Camille this year for Christmas and what gift I can give my children in honor of her. So far I only have vague ideas. I am hoping she will whisper some inspiration into my heart sometime soon.

I love Christmas time. I feel like having a party to kick off the season. Maybe after Thanksgiving. We'll see.

Gratitude Day 11

Today being Veteran's Day I will give my nod of gratitude to the men and women who have sacrificed so much to create and maintain this "land of the free" in which I am so blessed to live. I think nothing has made me more grateful to be an American than to travel to other parts of the world. I love to travel and love visiting other countries and cultures. But each time I do I have an increased appreciation of my home and my culture and my country.

I have also gained a broader view of how the world works and how there are more than one way to skin the proverbial cat. But, I am incredibly grateful to be born in a country where women are valued, where I am free to worship my God as I please, where I can feel safe playing outside with my kids, where I can travel freely, where I can vote for who governs me, and where I know that, despite the bitter divisions that creep up in our nation culturally and politically, the rule of law is stable and will prevail.

I love America. I am grateful for those that honorably serve her and me both politically and in the military. Thank you! To all of you serving and the families of those serving who are missing their loved ones at this time.

Gratitude Day 10

Today I volunteered at the kids school. And it got me thinking about how grateful I am for great teachers. As a mother, I am grateful for wonderful teachers who play an invaluable role in the lives of my children. Whether at church, dance, school, music lessons, or sports, I am grateful for the positive things that so many people have taught my children. Many of these things are lessons I simply could not teach them myself.

I am also grateful to some really wonderful teachers I had growing up who taught me lessons about academics, culture, arts, sports, the gospel, and about life. I am most grateful for those that helped to build up my self esteem along the way.

So I will give a quick shout out to a few of my top teachers here. Mr. Spiegalmyer had a huge positive influence on me (his good humor got me through middle school) and I picked up a few things about geography and history from him too. Miss Winston made me believe I could do anything. Brother Tesch and Strobelt taught me to discover the scriptures for myself. Heidi Feldman taught me all about Torts and how to be a completely awesome teacher. And Professor Garr taught me the recipe to happiness.

Thank you to all the wonderful teachers who may read this. What you do everyday really does make a difference in the lives of those you teach. I am grateful for you!

Gratitude Day 9

I miss my Miamaids tonight. It is the first mutual night that I have been home and no longer have the job of going. So tonight I give my nod of gratitude to the amazing young women I have had the privilege of serving over the years.

I have been so blessed to watch them grow and learn and become themselves. It is amazing thing to watch. It is even more amazing to once in a blue moon feel like you make any sort of a positive difference in their lives. I cherish the times a young woman has come to me and told me that a lesson I gave or something I did or said to her made any positive difference.

I am especially grateful to have spent the last almost three years with young women whose lives and problems and concerns have helped me survive after Camille's accident. It was a strange things going back to church after Camille died. She died on a Sunday, Father's Day. Her funeral was the following Saturday. Then we went to church the next day.

We felt all the eyes on us. I had never had that before. It was weird. But we also felt all the love and concern that came through all those eyes. That was so appreciated. I will admit that it was a bit hard to focus for a while those first weeks in Young Women's. But after a short while I came to see what a blessing it was to concern myself with the the Young Women's issues and lessons.

Working with the young women kept my focus on simple truths and basic standards that I could work on and rely on and live. And the young women themselves didn't want to delve into an attempt to comfort me or ask about my grief. I could share when I felt it was appropriate and know that they would just be themselves with me afterward.

I am not sure that makes much sense but being with the young women was the absolute best place to be. Being with children is sometimes hard because they have no filter and don't know enough to not ask or say things that are sharp to the wounded heart. Not that I ever blame them, but it is still tender to have to explain to a child what happened and they often want to know and understand better.

And being with women is a mixed bag. So many don't know what to say. Often people don't even realize that something they say means something entirely different than they intended to you. Or it just takes you back to a place in your heart or mind that you really don't want to go. Women can be WONDERFUL or not so much.

Young women, on the other hand, have enough tact and discretion to know to avoid certain questions and often don't really talk about it at all because they realize they can't relate. Instead they focus on their own lives and problems. Which helped me get out of my own deep waters and swim in their more gentle seas.

I am grateful to my girls. I still think of them as such. I am not sure I ever won't. I hope they are enjoying their new leader, but I miss them and love them and I am grateful for the love and joy they have given to me.

Gratitude Day 8

Today I am giving my gratitude nod to my home. I am so grateful for the house we purchased almost 3 years ago and the home it has become to me and my family. Even in this economic time when my house and most others in this valley have lost so much of their monetary value, in my heart this home is worth every penny we paid for it.

I love my home. I feel like my house is in so many ways a reflection of me. It isn't a flashy home. It doesn't have architectural details that make it beautiful or interesting or different from the others on the street. But it is highly functional and well thought out. It has ample living space for our needs and an abundance of storage space. It has a large warm kitchen, which to me is the heart of any home, that has plenty of space to feed and entertain our family, friends, and neighbors.

It is filled with children and all the accessories that come with them. It is filled with music and musical instruments. It is filled most of the time with peace and love despite the noise and chaos and craziness of everyday life. It is almost always clean yet also almost always disorganized and somewhat messy. (Did that make sense? There is a difference to me between messy - not picked up - and dirty - not clean.)

Most of all it is one of the few places where ALL my children still have their mark. From finger prints on the sliding glass door to handprints in the cement outback. Through toys on the ground, coats and shoes that didn't get put away properly, special blankets hanging around, and photos of memories up on the walls, there is evidence of ALL five of my children all through this home. And I love it.

I am grateful for the comfort it has given me and the warmth and cool it provides in the extremes of our weather. I am grateful that it is a soft place for me and my family to come to when the world outside it rough. I am grateful for the Spirit that fills it. I am grateful to have such a nice place to call my home.

Gratitude Day 7

Today I am very grateful that Noble is officially 18 months old. Not only I am grateful that he is still alive and well and healthy at 18 months, but I am also grateful that he now gets to go to Nursery at church. That means I can actually go to class and learn a thing or two at church. Jon is one of our gospel doctrine (sunday school) teachers so I finally get to go hear him teach.

I have been taking him in to nursery for a while just to get him used to it. He does well in there and I think he will be fine now that I am leaving him there. He likes the nursery leaders. That goes a long way. So I am grateful I will now be able to go to all of church without hanging out in the hallways during class.

Jon and I were talking on our drive last night about how much work it is to have a baby or one or two year old. He noted how Noble was as much work as all three of our older girls. It is true. They are labor intensive. I then told him how before Camille died I used to just see this time as a chore to get through. I love ages when kids can talk and say fun things. Now however, I am treasuring this time with Noble. I treasured his first 14 months because they were all I got with Camille and I wish I had treasured them more with her when I had them. I was so much in survival mode with 4 small children aged 5 and under that I just was getting through that first year.

I am treasuring every day after because each is a day I never got with Camille. We never got to take her to nursery at church. She never had a primary teacher. She never ran around the halls at church. So I am treasuring each of these stages with Noble now -- because I can. I am grateful to see Noble turn 18 months and all that comes with that.

Gratitude Day 6

Today I am grateful for music. Music has power. It can sway emotions to follow it so much more effectively than words alone. It soothes my children when they are upset. It lifts my spirits when I am down. It can humble me to the core.

I am so thankful to have married into a musical family and that my children have musical talent. I have always loved music. It is one of the things that brought Jon and I together in friendship and the first thing that really made me notice him.

We have been listening to the Sound of Music in the car for the past 3 or 4 days. It has such great music. It has been so fun to hear the girls singing along to all the songs. I love musicals, especially those old classics.

I remember one day after Camille died and we had just learned some devastating news about my husband's job that looked like it would impact our finances greatly. I felt so down. I felt like there was no way I could even get myself up. This was just weeks after Camille's death and I just felt this financial blow was more than I could handle at the time. I spent an hour in my closet devastated on my knees in prayer. I called my parents to try to somehow get some help to emotionally go on. Nothing seemed to help.

Finally I told myself that no matter what, I still had kids to care for and I needed to go out and be their mother. It was all I could do to go out of my room that day. My tear stained faced was red and swollen and I was struggling to put any sort of a smile on for the kids. Then I thought about music. I told the kids we needed to watch Hello Dolly.

I popped in the DVD and before long I was singing along to "Put on Your Sunday Clothes." For the time the music was playing I was able to forget my woes and feel the joy of the music. I have always loved Hello Dolly ever since I was a little girl. But I think that music will forever hold a special place in my heart now. I thank the Lord for Music tonight.

Gratitude Day 5

Today I am grateful for good health. I have always teased that I was the gimp of my family growing up. I was the only kid that needed glasses, the only one that had asthma, and the only one with allergies. The allergies made me miserable nearly all spring and fall in Vegas growing up.

Now that I am older, I still need glasses or contacts and still have asthma and allergies but I know that my health and strength is a blessing to me. I am so grateful that I almost always feel well and whole. I am such a wimp about not feeling well. I am utterly amazed at people who live in chronic pain and are still able to smile or be nice to anyone.

I am grateful that all my major organs work well and that I have strength and health to do all that is required of me each day. What at major blessing our good health is everyday. We often take it for granted until we don't feel well. So today I am giving my nod to good health. If you are in good health, say a prayer of thanks for it today.

Gratitude Day 4

I am going to go much more shallow here in my gratitude nod. But after spending 4.5 hours driving in California traffic today I am very grateful for carpool lanes and little people who fill my car so I can use them. Seriously. The traffic in So. Cal is NOT one of the things I miss about living down here.

On the other hand I do miss my 2 brothers and their wives and families so much and being here makes me remember the days when we would see them more. I loved carpool lanes back then too. :)

I guess I should also give a nod to paved roads and cars. My travels today would have been MUCH worse without them. :)  I am very grateful to be born in the age or air conditioning, indoor plumbing, cars, and telephones. All really good things that make my life easier.

Gratitude Day 3

Well, what should I note on my Gratitude Journey today? My gratitude for no lines at Disneyland? My gratitude for fun family times? My gratitude for our safety today and no lost kids? All good thoughts but tonight the thing that is really sticking in my head is my gratitude for the Savior. I know. It is a far cry from the fun day at Disneyland.

But tonight after we got home, I was helping my brother memorize some scriptures and we got into an interesting discussion about one of the scriptures (D&C 19:15-20). He was remembering it by the fact that it was all about suffering. But really the main point of the scripture is how important repentance is. All the suffering the Savior did that He describes in those verses, He did so that we might not have to suffer if we would but repent.

I thought about Him tonight as we talked and about the suffering he went through for me ... ME. I am grateful for his suffering for me that I might not have to suffer. Tonight I am going to get down on my knees with a more earnest heart and show Him my gratitude by repenting - recommitting - and living more fully in remembrance.

Doctrine and Covenants Section 19: 15-20

  15 Therefore I command you to repent—repent, lest I smite you by the rod of my mouth, and by my wrath, and by my anger, and your sufferings be sore—how sore you know not, how exquisite you know not, yea, how hard to bear you know not.

  16 For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent;

  17 But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I;

  18 Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink—

  19 Nevertheless, glory be to the Father, and I partook and finished my preparations unto the children of men.

  20 Wherefore, I command you again to repent, lest I humble you with my almighty power; and that you confess your sins, lest you suffer these punishments of which I have spoken, of which in the smallest, yea, even in the least degree you have tasted at the time I withdrew my Spirit.