Namesake

Dear Noble,

You are almost 10 months old now. You are the spitting image of your father. You are crawling everywhere and getting braver as you take a few steps between objects. You love real food and spoons and music. You are a joy to every member of your family.

You have been named after two great men. Noble -- your great grandfather on your father's side, and Morgan, your maternal grandfather. They are both wonderful examples in so many ways. But today I want to tell you about your grandfather, my father, and why I gave you his name.

My father is the fifth child in his family. He had 4 older sisters. I wanted you to remember that you shared this family placement with him. It isn't always easy for a little boy to have four older sisters. And even though you only have three to deal with, I wanted you to remember that really there are four to look up to. 

I hope your grandfather lives long enough for you to really get to know him. He is an amazing man that your father and I both admire very much. He has one of the most loving and selflessly giving hearts of any man I know. Countless times as a child I remember him going out of his way to help a friend or a stranger. Whether it was helping with a midnight repair or driving to California to pick up a stranded friend of a friend of a friend whose car broke down. Your grandfather was there to serve.

And his service continues even more now in his retirement years. Grandad used to be an attorney for the county. He retired several years ago and and since served two missions with Nana. They have helped many people around the world on these Humanitarian service missions to Serbia and Kenya. 

Today Grandad and Nana were driving in the car to California to go to Aunt Nikki's babies shower. Grandad got a phone call from a man in Salt Lake City who works for LDS Humanitarian Services. Recently there was a very big earthquake on an island called Haiti. The results were completely devastating. Many campaigns for aid have been underway to help the people of this small nation. 

The man on the phone wanted to know if your grandfather would be able to fly down to Haiti in 5 days to help build temporary housing for the people of Haiti. Your grandfather is now 73, but he is strong and one of the hardest workers I have ever known. He knows how to build and fix things. He loves to build. He loves working with tools and doing projects. And he loves to help people. 

Could there have been any better project for him than this? I don't think so. Without hesitation he accepted the assignment. He will be leaving Monday for Haiti. We are not sure how long he will be gone, maybe 2 or 3 weeks. We know he will do much good and have a great experience while he is there. 

You should know what a wonderful man he is Noble. I hope you will know him well as you grow so that you can grow up to be like him. There are many "Morgans"in our family. They are all honorable, steadfast, and worthy men. But you are named after my father Morgan D. Harris and I hope you will strive to develop the innate charity that he so beautifully exemplifies with his life.

Love,

your Mother Stephanie 

Superwoman?

My trip with the kids down to California went very well. At least until the last day. Thursday night Lauren woke me up around 2 a.m. I let her in bed with me to snuggle and after a few minutes she told me her ear hurt. She was close to tears. 

I took her out to our friends living room and rocked her on the glider. I snuggled her on the couch. I gave her Tylenol. I told her stories. I covered her with cozy blankies. She couldn't sit still. She just hurt. Nothing I could do could make it better. I offered up my best mother's prayer for her. We went from one position to another trying to make it feel better. Her bottom lip quivered as she tried to be brave through the pain and exhaustion. 

She wanted our "magic" Camille blanket to make her feel better. I hadn't brought it. I found a baby blanket that was soft instead. She threw it over her head. I asked what she was doing. She told me to leave her alone. A couple of minutes later she took it off. She was so sad and disappointed. "It didn't work," she said with tears and frustration oozing out of her. 

We had been weathering the pain for about 45 minutes. Then I thought maybe I could distract her with some television. I turned on our friend's television to Nick Jr. I saw Kai Lan. Lauren sat in the glider and rocked with her blankie. I laid down on the couch. I dreamt I met Kai Lan and I gave her a big hug and told her how much I loved her. I woke up to the gentle tapping of my little girl. 

"I am all done," she said rather matter of factly. Then she turned around and headed back to her bed. It was now close to 5 a.m. I went back to my own bed and crawled in. Before I fell back to sleep I offered another prayer. 

"Dear Heavenly Father, Tonight I thank you for the person who invented television. I love that person."

The next morning when we woke, Lauren had goopy pink eyes. There would be no swimming lessons that day afterall. Her ear was still hurting as well. I took her the the CVS Minute Clinic to get some medicine and have her checked out before our drive to the higher elevation of home. 

She did not want to go to any kind of doctor. I assured her there would be no shots. She still didn't want to go. I strapped the baby Bjorn on Sabrina and put Noble in it. Then I picked up Lauren and carried her into the CVS. We looked at the toy aisle as we waited for our turn. I promised her a toy of her choice if she would just let the doctor look at her.

Finally it was our turn. We all filed into the small exam room. Lauren was glued to me with face in my chest. I reminded her of her toy and that she had to look at the doctor to get it. She eased up some and let him look at her eyes. He took her blood pressure, let her take her own temperature, and listened to her heart. We were doing well. Sabrina and Annie were playing with Noble on the floor. We had been in the CVS for about 25 minutes by now though and I knew I didn't have much time left before they would be bored of watching him. 

Then it was time to look in Lauren's ears. She didn't feel well, she said. He looked in own ear--infected, he said. She said she felt like she was going to throw up. Her face was white. He handed her the trash can. She threw up a little. He looked in her other ear. It was fine. She kept dry heaving over the trash can. When she finished he checked her throat. It was fine. She had more dry heaving to do. 

Finally there was only paper work left to fill out -- prescriptions to send to the pharmacy. Lauren said she felt sleepy. I looked at her. Her face was... devoid of color... it was the face of death. She was limp and faint in my arms. I knew all of this was a reaction to her fear of medical things. I knew we were with a medical professional and he didn't seem to be worried. Still, I looked at her limp in my arms with her face so like that face -- that face of my other limp colorless child -- and my heart skipped a few beats. 

I had to remind myself that this was Lauren and she would be fine. I just needed to get some medicine in her and get home. The nice man let me lay her down in his exam room while I went to the pharmacy side of the store to pick up her prescription. She had fallen asleep. Sabrina and Annie stayed with her. I walked the 20 feet away from the exam room to get in line at the pharmacy with Noble. 

The lady at the counter was having some kind of insurance issues. The lady in front of me could see I was ... well I had my hands more than full. She let me go in front of her. 10 minutes passed. Finally the person in front of me was done. Lauren had woken up and the next person had come to the minute clinic so she had to leave. Sabrina brought her to me. She was shaking and shivering and white as a ghost. 

I juggled a cranky Noble and directing the pharmacist as to our prescriptions to be filled while trying to get Sabrina to get me a bottle of Tylenol off the shelf. Some older gentleman got the Tylenol for me. I ripped open the package and poured the medicine in the cup for her (still juggling Noble and limp crying Lauren.) She didn't want to take the medicine -- I mean REALLY didn't want to take the medicine. 

I threatened and bribed till she drank the medicine. I told the pharmacist we would pick the medicine up through the drive through. I grabbed the empty packaging for the toothbrush my kids had opened and given Noble to play with and the opened Tylenol and gave Noble back to Sabrina and picked up Lauren and herded my crew to the front of the store to check out. 

"Man you really are superwoman," said the clerk. I didn't feel like superwoman. I felt like super needs help woman and super grateful for the small acts of help and kindness of strangers woman. I wondered how single mothers do this. How do they function when times get sticky like this? All I wanted to go was be home with Jon so he could help me. I just needed his emotional and physical strength so much.

A few minutes later, with medicine picked up and forcefully administered, we were on our way home. As we got onto the freeway I realized I needed to pee. I needed to pee, but I couldn't. I just couldn't stop and take all my kids into someplace to pee. Not with Lauren so limp and faint and Noble so tired and cranky. I just had to get home. My needs would just have to wait. 

Two hours later Lauren had recovered from her medical phobia trauma and had her color back. We pulled off to get gas and go to the bathroom and get a few treats for the road. Life was better. We sang the songs to West Side Story together all the way home. I was happy to be in the car and going home to our harbor of safety, strength and peace.

Testimony Fireside

As I have mentioned before, I work in the young women's organization of our church. Last night I gave a fireside to all our youth aged 12-18. It was on what a testimony really is and how to get one. Mostly we focused on what is a testimony. Being that I am an attorney, I got the job of teaching this one. I thought I would share the fireside or at least my written version of it. I never follow my scripts very well and end up adding or saying things different in the moment. But this is what I had prepared.

Feel free to use it if you work in the church youth programs. That is why I am sharing it. I think it is good to share ideas for youth activities, firesides and lessons. I have a lesson on virtue I gave a couple weeks back that I need to type up to share as well. It just takes so much time to type these things up. It has been taking away from the blogging time.

Swimming lessons were great until the last day when Lauren woke up with an ear infection. I will have to do a post on that ordeal. Tomorrow maybe. Suffice it to say for now that I have serious heartfelt respect and a week's worth of empathy for all you single moms out there. You really are superwomen.

Okay now for the fireside: Sorry I know it is really long but I don't know how to do one of those links to a PDF file or something.

Welcome to the Witness Training Center.  Tonight you will be learning about how to be powerful witnesses both in and out of the courtroom. How many of you have watched a TV actor playing a lawyer yell out an “objection” in the courtroom?

There are rules about what kind of evidence and testimony are allowed to be considered in trial. All testimony is given under oath. Two of the most important requirements of a testimony are that it be personal knowledge of the witness and that it be Relevant. That means witnesses can only testify to things they know for themselves and that their testimony tends to PROVE or DISPROVE a material element of the case.

Perhaps this would be easiest to understand if I give you an example.

This is Joe. Joe is in a tight spot. He has been accused of Burglarizing Natalie’s home. Now the law says that Burglary is entering a home, business, or other premises with the intent to commit a theft or other felony. So there are 2 main elements the district attorney has to prove to send Joe away for burglary. He has to prove that 1 he entered Natalie’s home and 2 that he did so with the intent to commit a felony (ie steal something or hurt someone inside.)

So we are going to do a mock trial and few of you will come up and give your testimonies. As each person gives his or her testimony, the rest of you will act as opposing counsel. That means that if you hear the witness testify to something that he or she either does not have personal knowledge of you should raise your hand and call out “objection personal knowledge.” Or if the witness says something that does NOT tend to prove or disprove one of the key elements – entry and intent to commit a felony – you should raise your hand and call out “objection Relevance.”

I will act as the Judge and either “sustain” your objection (meaning you were right) or “overrule” your objection (meaning you were wrong). If you miss an objection that I notice I will help you by striking the testimony myself. Please keep order in the court during this process and leaders are welcome to participate.

We will now call our first witness. Natalie. You are called to the stand.

Prosecutor – Natalie Please tell us what happened to you on February 12, 2010.

We will next call CSI Ryan to the Stand.  – Tell us about what your found at Natalie’s house on the 12^th of Feburary of this year.

Now we will call Bob.
“Natalie” -- Please read the following testimony pausing between each paragraph.

I went to work that day and when I came home I noticed the lock on my front door was broken and the door was ajar.

My front door is red and really cute.

I went inside and all my furniture had been rearranged.

There were muddy footprints all through the house.

My floors are all nice hard wood floors.

I picked the wood out myself in the forests of Brazil.

I looked all over the house and no one was there.

Nothing appeared to be missing at first.

Then I noticed my Picasso had been exchanged for a Jonas Brothers Poster.

That Picasso was worth a million dollars.

My grandmother gave me that painting.

I really loved my Grandmother.

My grandmother died last year.

Joe wanted that painting. Bob told me that Joe had been talking about the painting and how much he loved it.

CSI RYAN – Please read the following statements pausing between each paragraph.

I processed the scene using standard procedures. I dusted for fingerprints. I found several fingerprints on the picture frame that did not belong to the home owner. I ran them through the system and found they matched the defendant’s fingerprints.

He was in the system because he is an attorney and he had to be fingerprinted to be admitted to the state bar.

There was a Jonas Brother’s poster in the picture frame.

There were muddy footprints all through the house. They were the same size as the defendants shoe size.

The house was painted a nice shade of sage green inside.

Suspect Joe’s best friend Bob

Bob please read the following statements pausing between each paragraph.

Joe is my best friend. He is a nice guy and very honest. I have known Joe for 10 years.

Joe wore jeans and a tee shirt the day of the alleged break in.

Joe’s favorite color is green.

Joe knows Natalie. We had been to her house for a party.

Joe loves the Jonas Brothers. He has several posters of them.

Joe also loves Miley Cirus. He has lots of Hannah Montana posters too.

Joe asked me if he could borrow my crowbar the night before the incident.

Joe is allergic to peanuts.

Joe drives a Honda Civic.

Joe took work off the day of the incident. I know because I saw him at McDonald’s that morning and he told me he was going to go spend the day with his mother in the hospital.

Joe loves his mother.

Good. Now you know what makes a strong legal testimony. Let’s look at how this relates to our spiritual testimonies.

In legal testimonies we testify of things we have first hand knowledge of – things we have learned using our senses. In our spiritual testimonies we also testify of thing we have first hand knowledge of. But often our knowledge comes from something other than the 5 senses. Most often our knowledge comes from feelings we feel given to us by the Holy Ghost.

We can know it is freezing outside because we can scientifically prove it. But we can also know that we love our mother or that our mother loves us because we can feel it in our hearts and see the effects of it in our lives. So we can know the truth of spiritual things as we feel the witness of the Holy Ghost in our hearts.

Just as there are rules to what is admissible in a courtroom as evidence, there are parameters for what is and isn’t a testimony in church. Testimonies at church should be statements of firsthand knowledge that tend to prove the truthfulness of the gospel, it principles and doctrines.

As Elder Oaks said in the May 2008, “A testimony of the gospel is a personal witness borne to our souls by the Holy Ghost that certain facts of eternal significance are true and that we know them to be true. Such facts include the nature of the Godhead and our relationship to its three members, the effectiveness of the Atonement, and the reality of the Restoration.

A testimony of the gospel is not a travelogue, a health log, or an expression of love for family members. It is not a sermon.”

Let’s apply the rules of evidence to some church “testimony” statements and see which are really “testimony” and which are not.

I am thankful for my friends. They really help me to choose the right.

I love the Book of Mormon. I know when I am reading my scriptures every morning, I feel the Spirit helping me to choose the right throughout the day.

I know the Joseph Smith really saw Heavenly Father and Jesus in the sacred grove because I feel so peaceful in my heart every time I hear or read his account of that experience in the Joesph Smith History.

My Family went on a Church History trip last summer and we had a really great time and I learned a lot about what the early pioneers went through.

I love my mom and dad.

I just got back from EFY and I learned that there really is some cool church music and we should be listening to more of that and be more careful about the music we listen to everyday.

I know God lives because everything in me tells me that He is there and that He is my Father. I can feel His love for me when I am lonely.

I know Thomas S. Monson is a prophet of God. I feel the Spirit confirming this to my heart when I hear him speak in conference.

I know when we pay our tithing the Lord takes care of us. I once had to choose between paying my tithing and paying my rent and I chose to put the Lord first and pay my tithing. I thought I was going to be evicted. But then my friend dropped off a check to me in the exact amount of my rent and reminded me I had lent him money 5 years ago and he could just now pay be back.

I know the priesthood power is true because I have been healed by its power.

I know our bishop is called of and inspired by God because he has known just when I needed to talk or just which calling would be best for me.

The other day I had a friend ask me about church in my English class and we were able to talk about the gospel and it was really cool.

I am thankful for my teachers at church because I know they love me and they do a really good job.

I know the Book of Mormon is true because I have read it and prayed about it and I felt peaceful and right and warm. I know that was the Holy Ghost telling me it is true.

I love to come to church on Sundays and see all my friends and I love it when my teachers bring treats.

I know the Jesus is the Savior. I have felt his forgiveness in my life when I have turned to Him.

Last week I had a really tough week and I didn’t really want to talk to anyway so I went in my room and then my mom came in and talked to me it made me feel better so I am really thankful that God made mothers to help us when we have bad days.

I know the Savior Lives. I know it because I feel it is true when I say it.

Great job at finding the relevant testimony. Now in court witnesses are sworn to tell the truth as they are under oath. We similarly end our testimonies “in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen” when we are bearing them in church.

Now you know more about what a testimony is. Let me just share a few points on gaining your own.

First we must have a desire to know. Then we must follow the pattern laid out in Matthew 7:7.

Ask, and it shall be ^bgiven you; ^cseek, and ye shall find; ^dknock, and it shall be opened unto you:  Matthew 7:7

We pray and ask with real intent.

We seek and study and learn all we can about it

Then we go and DO – we Knock. We try it out.

One of the easiest ways for me to know if something is true is to say it out loud. I have a very sensitive internal lie detector. If I say something untrue it feel different to me. I would never be able to fool a polygraph. But when I bear my testimony I do not feel that feeling that I am saying untrue things.

Elder Oaks confirmed that this is a valid way to find a testimony. “We gain or strengthen a testimony by bearing it. Someone even suggested that some testimonies are better gained on the feet bearing them than on the knees praying for them.”

Some of you may not yet “know” that gospel or its principles are true. But you may believe. So if you believe you should say “I believe” when you bear your testimony. Then as you say it you may come to feel the truth of that statement in your heart more and eventually you will be able to say “I know.”

Now we are going to take some time to write a couple points of our testimonies down. Please take a piece of paper and a pen and write down 2 or 3 things you KNOW that are relevant to the gospel and its principles and how you KNOW them. If you don’t have things you KNOW for yourself yet, then write down 2 or 3 things you Believe and why you believe them. Do not write your name on the paper. These will all be anonymous.

I will turn on some church music to set the tone and I want each of you to find your own spot to write. You will have 5 – 7 minutes. When you are done come put your paper face down here on the table. You can then grab your blanket and head outside by the fire.

After everyone is done we go outside and I read everyones testimonies with a flashlight by the fire.

We have done this outside so you could be under the stars. Each star is such a small piece of light in the sky. They are like a single spark. They are small in the big picture.

An attorney will similarly call many witnesses with little bits of information. Some witnesses will only be called to say someone who has testified is an honest person. Others will have more sure facts about a case. But all the information together helps the jury to come to KNOW beyond a reasonable doubt whether to convict or acquit.

Your testimonies may be just small sparks of belief or knowledge of truth at this point. But if you foster these sparks and keep them alive and add to them by asking, seeking, and doing to gain more knowledge you can build a burning fire of a testimony in your heart similar to the one here tonight.

May I bear my testimony to you that I do have a testimony and I know the importance of KNOWing for yourself. I was about your age when I got my testimony so I know many of you are in that process of finding out for yourselves. And it is good to believe on others testimonies until you know for yourself. But someday you will need to know for yourself. I count my testimony as one of my most treasured possessions. It has borne me up through some very difficult times. It has been the rod of iron that I have clung to and used to pull myself up when I didn’t think I could ever stand again. I pray that each of you will seek your own testimony and foster it into a burning flame so that when the cold times of life come your way it can warm you through those times. In the name of Jesus Christ Amen. 

Swimming Lessons

Tonight I am preparing. Tomorrow my children and I will pile in the car and drive to our swimming lessons .... in California.  :)

When we lived in California we had such a great swimming teacher. Sabrina and Ann Marie took from him for a long time. Then we moved. I tried a few other swimming teachers here and the one thing I have learned is how good I had it back there. 

I love the way this teacher in California teaches. Not only is he excellent with the children, but he has a wonderful method of teaching. He teaches kids to swim 4 strokes and then flip onto their backs and rest for 4 breaths. Then they flip back over and swim another 4 strokes. They repeat this process across the pool.

Every time I have gotten to the summer and tried to get swimming instruction for my kids I have thought, "Hmm. I just wish I could go to Cali for a week or two so we could take from Jason." So last month when Jon had a conference in California for a week and I had nothing planned to do while we were down there with him, I called up Jason and scheduled as many lessons as I could for that week.

It was a huge success. The first day after Lauren's first lesson she let go of her kicker board near the steps. The teacher was way across the pool and she kept going under. I didn't wait. I just walked fully clothed with Noble in arms down the steps of the pool to pull her up and out. I was wet but she was safe. Four days later she was independently swimming the length of the pool flipping on her back to breathe.

I figured I better reinforce the lessons by returning for another week. So track break started and we are off to get more lessons. Jon is staying here to work. It will be an adventure for me to have all 4 kids by myself on this "vacation." I love California. My kids love California. We are excited to see family and spend time swimming every day.

I won't be blogging while I am gone. I think my hands will be too full for that. So have a great week and I will let you know how it goes when I get back.

For those curious, the swim place I am going to is Aquadic Explorations in Los Alamitos. It is an indoor swim school and Jason Castner is the teacher we love. We also love his brother Jesse who also teaches there. For those in the area - or within a 5 hour drive :) -- they are worth checking out. Tell them Stephanie Waite sent you!

Look Who's...

WALKING!!!

Mr. Noble is 9 months and 10 days today. I was in the middle of cooking dinner for my dinner group. (Once a week I cook dinner for my family plus 2 other families. Then on two other days of the week those families bring dinner to us.) I had nearly every pot on the burners and the oven going as well. My older kids had friends over to play and then I heard Mr. Noble wake up cranky from his nap just wanting to be held. 

Just then my parents showed up to save the day. Their timing for this surprise visit couldn't have been better. Mom helped me cook and clean up some to make more room to cook and Dad was set to the task of keeping an eye on the little guy. So there I am cooking away and mom is washing dishes and I hear my dad saying, "Yeah that's it Noble. Step Step Step." I look over and there is Noble WALKING.

I have known he has been close for a while. He loves to stand and is steady enough to walk when someone holds his hands. But here he was taking multiple unassisted steps. Jon came running in and got out the video camera and we used the remote to entice him to walk over to me. The kid likes the buttons. He took 4 or 5 steps all by himself before getting scared and sitting down to crawl. 

This kid is going to be just like Annie. She was taking steps at 9 months and walking well by 10. Only she was tiny and looked like a 6 month old. It was so odd to see. All my others took longer to walk. I think Sabrina started around her first birthday. Lauren was just after her first birthday. Actually, at 9 months Lauren wasn't even crawling yet. And Camille ... well Noble may be about 5 months younger than she ever got but he is the same size and weight and this is right where she was in the walking thing. She had been crawling for months though. She just was so fast at crawling she didn't see much of a need to get all upright.

Noble, on the other hand, is not so fond of crawling. He doesn't like his knees to be on the ground. He even crawls on hands and feet sometimes. I am sure it won't be long now till he isn't even crawling at all anymore. Oh boy am I in for it now.

2+2+1+1

Sometimes in my mothering my charges all demand my services at once. Each need is critical in each child's eyes. I am left to prioritize the "triage" of their needs. I can only fix so many problems at one time. I can only hold so many bodies or wipe so many cheeks. I only have two arms, two legs, one heart and one head to work this magic I call motherhood. 

And so I put one child down to pick another up. One cheek is left dirty while the messier is wiped. One burden is set down so another can be carried.

Sometimes in my life all my responsibilities seem to pile up at once. Each duty calls with urgency. Often my heart is tied to so many of these that it feels the heaviness of so much weight. I want to do so much. I want to fix each problem and make each plan perfect and guide each path I cross in a better way. But alas, I am only one person. I have only two arms, two legs, one brain, and one heart to do all I can do for good.

And so I set to prioritizing again. I set down the burdens that weigh on me and step back to see what I CAN do. I refocus on making sure things are straight in my own soul and in my home. Then I fold my two arms and kneel on my two knees and use my one brain and one heart to call for help. I put my burdens down there at the feet of one greater than I. And I rest my heart knowing ... I am not alone. 

To My Little Valentine

Dear Camille,

Today I wrote love notes to each of your sisters and made them heart shaped chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast. I whispered sweet love secrets in your brothers ear and held him close to me before putting him to bed. I gave each of your siblings a little Valentine gift. Your Dado and I made a delicious Beef Wellington together for our Valentine's dinner. It was super tasty. 

But what am I to do for you? How am I to tell you of my love for you? I wore my necklace with your picture on it today. I wanted to feel you with me even if it was just in that little way. Tonight I will write this love note to you and send it off into cyberspace. Somehow it just feels more "sent" this way than if I just write it down on a piece of paper that will just get stored away in my house somewhere.

So on this Valentine's Day, my sweet angel girl, I want to thank you. Thank you for all you have taught me. Thank you for allowing me to be your mother and to love you here on Earth for the time you were here. Thank you for creating a Celestial room in my heart where you will forever reside and where my love for you can blossom safely. 

I love you. I loved you because you were mine. I loved you because you made me smile. I loved your adventurous spirit. I loved your tactile curiosity. I loved you because you were simply the most beautiful little treasure of a girl. And now you are gone. And I love you all the more. 

I love you now for the work you are doing. I love you for the spirit you bring into our lives and our home. I love you for showing me, your dad, your brother and your sisters how important it is for us to follow Heavenly Father's plan for us to return home to Him. I love you for loving me despite all my imperfections and shortcomings. 

I miss you. You must know how I miss you. 

I miss you, but I am going to be okay. I am going to be patient as I wait for the day when I can hold you and kiss you and love you in person again. I am going to be happy and joyful and serviceable to others in honor of you my dear. I am going to feel all the textures of life for you. 

You are my heavenly Valentine and I pray you will know of this note to you this day and all the love that is sent in it. I love you my little Cami!

Love,

Your Mama

My Omniscient Fashionista

"Mom, when I am a grown up I am going to get a motorcycle," says Lauren on our way to pick the kids up from school. We have just turned right after being at a 4 way stop next to a motorcycle policeman.
"Really?" I reply. "Why do you want a motorcycle?"
"Because they go really fast." (I wish I could type her little girl voice.) 
"Cars go fast too you know."
"But not all cars do."
"Motorcycles are kinda dangerous though you know."
"MoooMMM!?!? What do you mean?" She says this in a disgusted exasperated way.
"Well if you get in a car wreck the car is all around you to protect you. If you crash on a motor cycle there is nothing there to protect you."
"Well I just saw a guy back there on motorcycle."
"Oh, you mean that police man?"
"How do you know he was a police man??? You don't even KNOW that guy!"
"Well I saw his motorcycle and it said police on it."
"Well the one I saw was not a police one. It was white." Pause for about 5 seconds here. "And it had a letter P on it."
"Yes Lauren. That is "P" for POLICE."
Insert disgusted shock look glaring at me from the back seat. 
"Well the one that I saw didn't have a L next after the P."
"No it had an "O" for POOOOOOlice. PO PO PO lice."
"HMMMPFT. Well the one I saw was a different one." By this time Annie and the other kids are getting in the car. 
Annie asks which what did Lauren see. Lauren says a motorcycle. I tell her we saw a motorcycle cop. Annie says, "Oh yeah I saw that one with the kid riding on it and the helmet? It wasn't a police motorcycle mom! It had a kid on it."
"Yeah mom!" says Lauren.


Why do I even try? There is no reasoning with an "omniscient" 4 year old. Especially not when her big smarty pants sister is there to back her up.


And while I am on the subject of Lauren and Annie. Annie was having trouble picking out her socks today. She asked for Lauren's help. The brown pair or the pink pair? After she left for school I saw Lauren getting her own socks on for preschool. This is what she looked like:

Do you need a closer look?

"How did you choose those socks Lauren?" 
"I choose them so they could match with Annie. Annie asked me which socks she should wear to school and I said she should wear both so I could match her." 
"So Annie is wearing the other brown sock and the other pink sock?"
"Yes." Of course she is.
Meanwhile she tells me I am wearing these shoes to take her to preschool:

A step up from my normal Crocs.

At least she didn't pull out my black 4 inch high heels that she insisted I wear to take her to preschool last time.  

And the Rains Fell

The house is quiet. Everyone is asleep. I am finishing up a few last minute details before retiring to bed. I like to have a few quiet moments to myself at the end of the day to reflect and gather myself. Tonight my there is the gentle accompaniment of falling rain to underscore my thoughts. 

Earlier today I looked out the window. Beyond my backyard fence I saw only one thing -- Gray. All the world was a big gray cloud. There were no mountains or houses or sky. There was only gray moisture. I thought to myself then, "We could be in heaven." Now I expect heaven to be more "light" and pure light than "gray" but the fact that I couldn't see "the world" out my window for that moment took me to another place.

I love the rain. I loved it when it came so often after Camille died. It was as if the heavens were mourning with me. When the storms came so violently that winter and pounded our house with torrential rains, I felt it was an outward expression of how I was feeling inside. 

Now the rains seem to drizzle. We have had weeks of scattered showers. It seems most of the time when I am outside the rain is so fine and light it is just more of a mist. And yet it lingers. Sometimes it seems it is done. I saw blue skies peaking though just beyond the gray this evening. But alas the pitter patter of the falling drops tells me we are not quite finished yet.

Rain is good. We all need rain. The earth needs the rain. We need the rain. We need it to feed our plants and fill our rivers and lakes. We need it to drink and work and live. Rain is essential for life. And rain also tempers our souls. It turns us inward to our homes and our families and our hearts. It gives us a down time so we can mark the new highs we will have when the sun is once more shining. It reminds us to be grateful for the sun and all its light and warmth.

I am grateful for the rains. 

Present

Sometime the job of Mom can be a bit ... monotonous. Even with the perspective I have now of appreciating even the stinky parts of motherhood, there are times when the days run together like a seemingly endless chain or repeated chores, messes, homework assignments, diapers, meals, bedtimes etc...

The other day I was thinking about this as I was driving. I was thinking about how often my mind is elsewhere as I perform my daily mothering tasks. It is planning the weekend or thinking about my young women or lingering in the past. As I thought about this I had a moment where I felt 100% in the present and felt a rush of gratitude.

I feel I need to spend more time disciplining my mind to live more presently. My most treasured motherhood moments have been ones where I was 100% in the moment and present with my children. All my focus was on what we were doing right then. And they have been simple things like teaching the kids a lesson or drawing pictures with them or watching them learn something new.

I really want to be as present as I can for my kids. That isn't always easy for me. But I know the returns on this kind of invested time are what makes motherhood worth it. One day at at time I am going to work on that. Tomorrow's goals: spend some time present 100% in the moment with each kid, keep a loving tone (still working on that one), get my "do" list done. If I am going to be successful at that I better get some sleep. Wish me luck. :)

Insomnia

It is late. I want to be asleep. I am in bed ... awake. I tried for an hour to go to sleep. No luck.

2 hours ago Ann Marie came and knocked at our bedroom door for about the 4th time complaining that she couldn't sleep. I don't know what her problem is :).

I thought reading some legal definitions would quiet my mind. I read through the Federal Rules of Evidence. Still not feeling very sleepy.

I have not posted for a few days. I haven't been ready to have Camille's picture not be the first thing I see on my blog again yet. I have been thinking about her quite a bit this week. Today I read some of a blog someone put in one of my comments about a little boy who drowned in the tub. I can't read that. It brings it all back too fresh for me. I've spent the day trying to train my thoughts away from it. Just too close to home. I hope that mom can find a way to keep her mind in the now and move forward from that awful day. It is a hard thing to do.

Now for a happy thought to end the night (hopefully) and this post on. Tonight Jon and I laid in the girls room and we all shared stories of our favorite vacations. Each of my girls shared a memory of our family trip to Mexico last year. I was happy they remembered their experiences and felt that was money well spent. Now my mind is dreaming up our next family vacation.

Where has been your favorite family vacation with little kids? I could use some suggestions.

REAL

This is one of the pictures I have blown up big of Camille. We got it blown up for the funeral. Now it is in Lauren's room. Only Lauren doesn't sleep in Lauren's room anymore. She doesn't like to be alone so she sleeps on Sabrina's trundle bed between Sabrina's bed and Annie's bed. So we don't go into Lauren's room so often.

Yesterday I walked by and looked in and saw this picture. Camille is life sized in it, hanging on the wall. Then I walked into the girls room and started getting them ready for bed. I sat on Sabrina's bed as the girls were brushing their teeth and saw this picture, which is also life sized and hanging in Sabrina and Annie's room on Annie's half of the room.

"She was real." That was the thought that hit me. And with it came that feeling that was so familiar 18 months ago every time I saw a picture of her. It was the overwhelming desire to jump into the picture and be there with her and touch her and hold her again.

She was real and tangible and lovable just as much as Mr. Noble is to me now. She IS real now. And she is just as much a part of our family as she ever was. We just can't see her now. But we can still feel her influence and at times we can even feel the presence of her spirit visiting us.

These thoughts and feelings made me reflect last night as I knelt beside my bed to say my prayers. He is REAL. He is my Father. I am His daughter. I want to feel of His spirit. I want to KNOW Him.

My prayers last night were ... focused. My heart this morning is soft and a little homesick for Heaven. It can feel what is Real even if I can't see it.

Sick Day

Today Ann Marie is home sick. She wrote an email to her teacher to let her know why she wasn't in school. 

Here is what she wrote:

Dear Mrs , 

I am at home with a fever and a sore throat and a runny nose that makes me cough. it hurts really bad when I cough. I miss you. 

Today my mom taught me about the Letters ugh in words. In words like cough, rough, tough and laugh, ugh makes the F sound. In word like taught, fought, and bought when ugh has a T at the end it makes the short O sound. That is my school for today.

Sabrina will be by to pick up my home work.

Love,

Ann Marie Waite

Ann Marie doesn't like being sick. Here is her best "sick" face for you.

Ann Marie is very good at mastering her emotions most of the time. She thought it was pretty silly to try to look sick in her picture. Her smile kept creeping up on her face.

But the coughs keep coming and that helps her channel her sick face for you.

Hopefully she will be better soon and back to school. Till then we will enjoy some one on one time with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory while baby Noble sleeps.

Sick Ann Marie Quote of the Day:

Mom: "Here is some Tylenol for your fever."

Annie: "I don't like this kind of medicine. I don't like its taste."

Mom: "It is grape. You like grape."

Annie: "Well I do like grape when it doesn't taste like poison grape. This tastes like poison grape. I like regular grape."

Mama: Distinction noted.

Yelling Update

So we are one week into my effort to not yell. I thought I ought to account for my progress. I am happy to say I have done very well. This week I have only come close to yelling twice. Both times as I felt my frustration reach the yelling point I recognized it and took a deep breath. Then I said to the kid who had been ignoring me, "Listen, I am trying really hard not to yell remember? Could you please help me out by being obedient and doing what I have now asked you 5 times to do?"

Then the kid has done whatever I asked and the frustration diffused. I have enjoyed reading the comments on tips to not yell. I think the one about getting on eye level and talking to the kid eye to eye is really good. Sometimes some of those are really hard to do when you have a baby nursing or are in the middle of a diaper change. But I saw that is what Michelle Dugger does to get her little ones to mind. I figure if she can do it with 19 kids or however many she has now, I can do it with the 4 in my home.

Well we will see how week 2 goes. Music has also been a really big help to bring a sweet spirit in our home. I love the power of music. Jon bought a new guitar today. I am excited to be serenaded to every night now. Right honey? My favorites that he sings to me are "the Luckiest" and "Tracks of my Tears." 

We are approaching Valentines day quickly here. One year Jon learned "the Luckiest" on the piano and surprised me by singing it to me. I loved it. What is one of your best Valentines day moments with your honey. I am looking for inspiration.

Typing One Handed

I have had my hands tied up the past couple of days. Sorry if I have been slow getting back to anyone on emails. My hands have been engaged in a most important work. And they have been loving every minute of it. They have been rubbing and patting and soothing and holding. It is their way of giving comfort. And the last couple of days this little guy has needed lots of that.

Mr. Noble woke up on Tuesday not feeling very well. He is cutting a 6th tooth and has a fairly constantly running nose. And he had a rash in his diaper area. But this seemed to be something more. He wasn't crying too much ... unless I put him down. He just wanted to be on my lap all day. He kept laying his head down on me. He hardly ever does that. To me this cuddliness was a sign that he really wasn't feeling good.

So I made an appointment with the doctor. I felt a little silly when she asked what was wrong and the primary symptom was that he was extra snuggley. But then that is so often the tale tale sign with babies.

She checked him out and found an ear infection and a yeast infection. Not so good. But we were glad to know what was hurting and why and how we can get all better.

He already seems to be feeling quite a bit better. I hate having him not feel well, but I have been savoring the time I have had with him laying on me and gaining comfort from my touch. It is a gift to be able to comfort my sweet baby. And I am happy to sacrifice my schedule to do it for this little guy.

The dishes and emails and blog posts and laundry can wait. My hands have been otherwise occupied. For this is the work my hands were meant to do. It is the greatest work any hands can do -- pure service to relieve the suffering of another. It is the work of the mother, the doctor, the nurse, the friend, the good Samaritan, the Savior.

Auction Loose Ends

Hi Everyone!

I have had a couple of loose ends with the Emily Jones Auction come to my attention. If you donated an item and never heard from me about where to send it -- please email me at stephaniewaite @ gmail . com.

If you paid for an item and haven't heard from the donor or seen the item come, please email me as well. I just want to make sure everyone got their items.

The ONLY item that did not get sold was a tutoring session in the Denver area. (Thanks for being willing anyway!)

And in case you didn't see my comment after yours or my email, Yes Erika, the winner of the rag quilt is Bonnie and she did pay and the address I sent you is where her item should be sent.

Thanks again to everyone!

What Was in the 3 Boxes

Some of you have been wondering about what was in the 3 box gift my mother had wrapped up for me for Christmas. This may be a month late but here is the beautiful angel garden statue that she gave me.

She is beautiful. Don't you think? It was such a great and touching surprise for my Christmas morning. Thanks so much Mama. I love you!

The Best Gifts

We are told to seek after the "best gifts" of our Heavenly Father here on Earth. I hope someday to find my heart has become as pure and undefiled as my sweet Sabrina's. 

Today she called a "family council" together. I was curious as to what was so pressing on her mind that she felt the need to gather us in such a formal occasion. We all sat down in the living room and turned the time over to her. 

"I have noticed that there has been a lot of yelling going on around our house," she said sheepishly looking at me. It is true. I have been coming down hard on "clean up after yourself month" and using a raised voice to get the attention of little people who seem to have selective hearing.

"Well I was just thinking," she continued, "that we should not be yelling and that we should play the Camille music instead." 

Earlier today we Sabrina docked the ipod in the stereo and it started playing music. Two songs in it switched from Christmas music to Camille's lullaby and then on to Calling All Angels and That Glorious Day. The atmosphere in the house noticeably changed almost instantly. That sweet beautiful feeling that filled our home in the weeks and months after Camille's passing was suddenly all around us. We all got quiet as the music played, even the baby. I noticed it at the time. We didn't stop what we were doing. But we did it all with more .... well ... reverence. 

I was so amazed that my sweet eight year old daughter recognized this shift and wanted more of it in our home. I told her how happy I was for her suggestion and her reminder to me to find another way to get my children to obey that is more in keeping with the Spirit that should be in our home.

I will be working on that as my goal for February. But I think I will start that February goal today. I have an idea or two on how to do this but I am open for suggestions. Has anyone found some way to get their kids to listen and obey without having to raise their voice?

Mobile Noble

It has been a big week for Mr. Noble. He officially started crawling at Uncle Morgan and Aunt Buffs house last week. He had been close for a while and could move pretty well in a small area by scooting on his bum while sitting up or by laying down and rolling over once and then sitting back up. But last week he started crawling forward.

Now I have to sharpen my "KEEP EYES ON AT ALL TIMES" skills again and temper the paranoia I have about that with ... well with faith I guess. Faith that the Lord will help me. Faith that no child is taken before his or her time if you are living righteously. Faith that Camille's death was in the grand plan of my Father and not something I could have prevented. Faith that if it hadn't been the spa it would have been something else. Faith that it was just her time. Yes, I am going to have to dig deep into that well of faith to help me temper my anxiety this go round.

While I haven't been looking forward to this crawling phase because I knew it would be challenging for me, I am thrilled to see my little man so excited with his new ability. And even as he is just getting crawling going he is already wanting to stand on his own two feet. He will stand up next to the sofa and steady himself. Then he will get this excited, daring look in his eyes and take his hands off the couch. He will look at me as if to say "Look Mom! Look I am standing! Wahoo!" Then he falls onto his bum.

So I guess I am in for a whole new adventure with Mr. Mobile Noble. Oh and there he is calling me from his crib now to let me know he is awake. I am off to get him!

Wise Words

This week I read an article in the Mormon Times about a mother who died in a car accident last fall. Her husband had emailed some of his thoughts to the reporter and a good portion of his email was directly quoted in the article. His name is Justin Young and his wife's name is Katie. 

I wanted to share some of what he wrote because I thought he put some of the feelings of grief so well and even though our losses are different I identified with his sentiments. Thank you Justin for sharing your thoughts.

Justin Young wrote, "The refining fire of the Lord is not a pleasant place to be and it takes faith, courage and trust in the Lord that he is shaping you into the person he knows, wants and needs you to be. I consider myself a man of great faith in God and his plan, but I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that the greatest faith cannot rescue one from the pangs of grief.

"But I have found that in those moments of deepest sorrow, when my very heart seems to be tearing itself in two, the moments that take me to my knees begging for understanding, peace, love, light, relief ... it is in those moments of humility, left with nothing but a broken heart and contrite spirit, that the greatest lessons of life have been taught and the mysteries of his kingdom are unfolded to view.

"Lessons and teachings that cannot all be shared openly, but cherished privately, and treasured up unto ourselves giving us not the wisdom of man, but the wisdom born of God."

That wisdom, he said, "is forged from the flames of experience and this experience has opened my eyes beyond my own ability to see. And because of this, I believe we should be grateful for the trials we have today because they'll make us who we'll be tomorrow."