A New "Schedule"

Everyone is back to school these days. Sabrina started the 3rd grade and is learning cursive already. She has a very nice brand new teacher fresh out of school herself. It should be a fun learning year for all of them.

Sabrina is involved in so much this year. She has voice lessons and sewing lessons and piano lessons and activities for church. She is learning to juggle a very full schedule. Luckily she gets lots of sleep and is not burdened by lots of homework so she can fit in her extracurricular activities.

Ann Marie started the first grade. She is adjusting to the full day schedule. She misses the "activities" of kindergarten and is waiting for first grade to get interesting. I hope she will feel challenged enough this year to keep her attention and help her feel like she is learning. Her teacher is experienced and feels confident in her ability to challenge Annie. I hope so.

Ann Marie has begun to develop an acute sense of empathy. Lately when I am feeling tired and worn she will come massage my back or get me water. She can be the most helpful and giving person. I love that she is learning these qualities.

Lauren started preschool this week. She loves it so far. She is so excited to come home and show me everything in her bag. I love 4 year olds. She is turning into a little person right before my eyes and I want to just capture all of her in a bottle and store it up to sip on latter when she is big and has too much attitude.

Today I was teasing her about how she never misses me when she is gone to preschool because she has so much fun and how I sit home and cry the whole time she is gone because I miss her so much. Her response was beyond her years. "Mama, you don't have to miss me. You can feel me in your heart and then you know I am there." How wise I thought. Then after a pause she added, "Like I can feel Camille in my heart and then I don't have to miss her." Yes. Exactly. Thank you for the lesson little teacher of mine.

Even Noble has been doing a bit of schooling. He and Dado have been working on their skills. He is getting rather proficient now at the standing on the hand trick. If only we could get the sleeping thing down. We have been sleeping him in the swing thus far as this seemed to be where he would sleep longest. But lately even that has not been doing the trick. Tonight we are trying out the crib again. He went down easily in it, which surprised me. I guess we will see how he does tonight.

After a good 2 hour nap today I felt like a new woman. It is amazing how sleep, or lack thereof, can affect you. Now I wish I were asleep but am too wired with thoughts running through my head. I wish my brain could be like this desktop where I could clean off the surface and go into sleep mode. I guess that is why I am up writing-trying to put my thoughts to bed.

Only tonight my thoughts are not so much about my kids. Tonight my thoughts are more about how sometimes I feel so alone even when people are near me. Tonight my thoughts are about how sometimes I miss the carefree life I had as a young married woman without the heavy responsibility of motherhood on my shoulders. It is an honor to be a mother but sometimes the responsibility feels ... daunting ... especially when you are working on a few hours sleep per night over several days... weeks... months.

And tonight there is part of me that want to go back further and get in my car and drive home to my mama's house and crawl into her bed to snuggle up to her and spend a night not worrying about when the baby will wake up or what I need to help the kids do to get ready in the morning or how tired I am going to be if I can't get myself to sleep in the next 10 minutes. My mother makes me feel and ... safe ... and not alone ... and ultimately loved. I miss her. In the business of the "schedule" I miss her.

And I wish I could go over and at least spend an hour by her side with my head rested on her shoulder. But alas, here it is I who is the mother and must have the shoulder broad enough to rest the weary heads of the little ladies and shoulder the burping of the bubbly boy who may wake at any given minute. So I guess I better head off to bed and snuggle up to husband and partner in all this shouldering. I am grateful for his broad shoulders. They ease my load considerably. I hope this post has cleared off enough of my thoughts to let my mind rest so I can sleep. Wish me luck! Goodnight.

Insanity

Is it possible to go insane from a lack of sleep?

And if so, why is it that I am the only one in this picture who might be losing her sanity?

Pictures Worth A Thousand Words

One of my greatest heartaches after Camille's death was the thought of taking family pictures. I was aching at the thought that I would never have a picture of my complete family. I was so grateful for the family pictures we had just taken 6 days before Camille's accident. They are priceless treasures to me. But I knew we would have more children and the thought of our next family pictures with the new addition(s) in them and no Camille ... well it was hard for me to even verbalize that thought.

I did mention that heartache once just weeks after Camille's death to my sister in law Elizabeth. (She is a photographer.) I broke down as I told her how sad I was to think I would never have a complete family picture.

Well on the one year anniversary of Camille's accident, at about the same time of day that our family forever changed, we went with Elizabeth to Balboa Park in San Diego to take our first "family pictures" with Noble. She sent me the slide show of the pictures last night late. I watched this morning and broke down again. Only this time my tears were not tears of heartache and sorrow. They were tears of gratitude and love.

I watched the slideshow and it felt... complete. It highlighted every member of our family, Camille included. I am grateful for such a beautiful family. I am grateful for the ties that bind us together beyond the realm of this mortal life. And I am grateful beyond words for Elizabeth and her hard work and talent that brought these photos to life.

Announcing the Arrival

The back of the announcement

I just got our announcements done for Noble. We took photos with my sister in law when we were in California mid June. I love the photos and only wish I were not so post pregnancy plump in them. But hey, it was only 5 weeks after Noble was born.

I love the photo of the girls with Noble because it is a true representation of what life around our house is like these days. I am excited to get more of the photos from our session with Elizabeth and see how they all turned out.

The front reads: "Mogan Noble Waite

Welcome to the new life of the Waite family!

Farewell kissed by his sister Camille in heaven,

our little Noble enters the loving embrace of his family on earth

Lauren (4), Ann Marie (6), Sabrina (8)

Jonathan and Stephanie

May 10, 2009 at 10:01 p.m. 8 lbs. 12 ozs. 21 inches

Weight Update

A few months ago I did a post on losing the baby weight. I wrote about my "write out what I am going to eat tomorrow" tactic. I did do that for a couple of weeks but I seemed to have a major problem with know how much to eat while breast feeding. It seemed I never felt full. So finally I decided to take the plunge and sign up for an actual diet program.

I have been doing Weight Watchers for about 7 weeks now. I have lost a little over 11.2 lbs. I am liking their program and it has taught me a lot about portion sizes and how much I should be eating as a nursing mom. I feel it is a completely livable program and I still enjoy my favorite foods, just less of them or less often.

I still have another 14 lbs. to lose but I will post about it when I get there with before and after photos.

Personal Thoughts on Preschool

Someone asked about what I think about preschool. Those who know my thoughts on preschool may be surprised to find that I am putting Lauren in preschool this year. So I thought I would put my personal thoughts out there on the subject to answer both versions of the question.

Generally I am anti preschool. I haven't ever put a child in a preschool before. Well I did do a couple months of a co op preschool with Ann Marie before she started kindergarten but she was older for her grade and my normal concerns about preschool were not present in that situation.

I debated long and hard about whether to do preschool with Sabrina or not when she was 4. I did the research and visited a very nice school. She wanted to go. Ultimately I decided not to put her in. My reasons were as follows:

1) I was pregnant would have had a new born and Annie at home all that year. Who was Ann Marie going to play with if Sabrina wasn't home? How was I going to entertain Annie and take care of a newborn? Sabrina was so helpful. If there was a child I needed "help" with it was Annie or the baby. Why would I want to send off my big helper?

2) $$$$ Let's face it. I am just cheap. Half the reason I nurse if because I can't bring myself to pay for something I can get for free.

3) Sabrina is smart and social. I didn't feel like she "needed" the extra lessons or socialization.

4) Sabrina was young and often would come home from play dates sounding like her friends. I don't mean to say her friends said bad things. They didn't. But she adopted their tone of voice and their little sayings. I didn't want her to sound like Jane or Kate. I wanted her to sound like my Sabrina. I think she just needed a bit more time to solidify her own identity. Having the extra year at home helped and she didn't have a problem with this when she did start kindergarten.

5) I enjoyed doing preschool activities with Sabrina at home and loved watching her learn.

6) If I was going to send my child to preschool I wanted to KNOW the person teaching and the kids in the class. I was just freaked out about sending my little girl to a bunch of strangers.

7) After I decided based on the above reasons, I prayed about my decision and felt good about it.

I felt pretty much the same way when Annie got to that age except that I was less worried about #4 because Annie is Annie no matter what. I also knew people the people in the co op I did with Ann Marie really well and trusted all of them.

Now to Lauren. My first reason is pretty much turned upside down. If I keep Lauren at home all day I will be fending her off the baby most of that time. Let's face it, if Camille were still alive I would not be sending Lauren to preschool. She would be Camille's playmate. But Camille is not here.

I have a friend who runs a preschool and I trust her. I know many of the kids in her small class of 8. And most importantly I have prayed about sending her and feel good about it.

So the moral of the story is that while I am generally personally anti preschool, different situations, kids and families may make preschool a good thing worth the money. In my family and our situation right now I think that is the case for us. I guess we will see.

Good Luck in finding what is right for your family, child, and situation.

An Update

I just got this update from my friend on her boss's wife Kat. I thought some of you may be interested to know how she is doing.

Kat is doing really well. They took her off life support last Thursday, which has brought her family a new sense of hope and a belief that she will really make it through this. She was fairly loopy from being medicated and on life support for a week and a half - but this is already starting to wear off, her memory is coming back as each day progresses, and she continues to take needed baby steps forward. She is welcoming sitting in a chair for extended periods of time, eating small portions of real food, and getting sleep. In fact, Matt just got back from the hospital and let me know that they have moved her out of ICU and into a regular hospital room. This is great news as they couldn't start rehab until she got out of ICU. She took 11 steps on her own today - and is even using a little humor as they start rehab! Rehab is going to be a long road, but she'll keep fighting. There's no reason for her to stop.

Bone Tired

I am feeling this quite literally tonight ... bone tired. I feel like I ran a really long race today. I didn't. I mean I haven't run a long way in a really long time but my bones hurt from going and doing all day.

I spent the first 6 hours of my day cleaning with the girls. With school starting I wanted to have a fresh start. So we did a much deeper clean than usual. I still have spaces that need organizing but that can happen after school starts. I am glad to have a very clean bathroom and clean sheets on my bed because now I need a soak in the tub and a bed to rest my tired bones.

From cleaning I took the girls to swimming lessons. We have been going everyday and I think we all taste and smell permanently of pool water. The highlight of the day for me was teaching Ann Marie how to dive. I had her do a couple kneeling and then I helped her with a few standing where I helped lift her feet up as she went in. Then I told her to give a little jump and kick her feet up behind her on her own. She did a perfect dive on her first attempt. The next few were a bit belly flopish and then she did another perfect one at the end. It was just awesome.

Back at home I made dinner and tended Noble and bathed people and then went to meet the teacher night for Lauren's preschool. I had the four little people all with me and Noble was not too happy about being awake. But we managed. Still Noble is getting a bit more weight on him and after an hour of holding him and walking and bouncing ... well did I mention I am tired tonight?

From there we rushed to the cemetery to put Camille's flower arrangement in her vase before they locked up the mausoleum. We got there just in time and the flowers looked great in her vase. My mom and a friend of hers put them together. We went with 7 Tulips, one for each member of our family. There are two green ones for Dad and Noble, a red one for Ann Marie, two mauve ones for Lauren and Sabrina and a deep pink one for me. In the center is a white one for Camille. The girls all picked which flower they wanted to represent them. They all chose the flowers closest to Camille's. I got a photo with my cell phone. If I can figure how to get in on here I will post it later.

Now I have taken a couple motrin to ease the pain of my achey bones and have decompressed from my day by watching a little Top Chef Las Vegas and I am ready to feel the comfort of clean cotton sheets on my skin. Good night to you all!

Permission

Once in a while I get hit with a brief but powerful wave of grief and longing. Usually this happens at night. Tonight it hit a few minutes ago.

Lauren took an extra long and late nap so she was having trouble sleeping. I was rocking with her downstairs when I heard Noble crying for a midnight snack. I sent Lauren to bed to wait for me and took care of Noble. The feeling started as I was nursing Noble. It just wasn't so long ago that I was nursing Camille. 15 months just isn't that long ago.

Then when I had him asleep, I went to snuggle Lauren. Lying in bed with her surrounded by her big sisters, the absence of the fourth sister hits me. Here are all my girls in one room. Well, all but one. Somehow the absence of that one little sleeping girl seems so huge.

I talk to Lauren as we snuggle. I tell her that I love Sabrina and Annie and Camille and her. She says, "I love Camille too." She then tells me that she misses Camille only when she sees her on a video and just sometimes when she doesn't see the video too. I tell her I miss Camille every day and a lot.

"And every night?" she asks. "Yes, and every night too." I reply. Then I ask "Is it okay if I miss Camille?" I want to know what she thinks about this. All this while I am not crying. I feel the tears threatening but my voice is even and calm.

"No," she responds. "I don't want you to miss Camille because I don't want you to be sad."

I have no response to that. She gives me a hug and I hug her back.

Permission denied.

A few minutes later in my own room getting ready for bed I think deeper about the words from my four year old. I have heard similar responses from my other kids and other people who love me and don't like to see me sad. I wonder how Camille would respond to the same question if I had posed it to her.

Immediately I feel as though Lauren had spoken for her. Camille would have said the same thing. Sometimes I have to remind myself that this is just a temporary separation. It is as if she is away on a mission or at a really long camp and while we miss each other it is just easier to forget the missing and get to work making the best of the day in front of you. We will have eternity to spend together someday but today we are better off making the most of the present.

It is a hard pill to swallow. But for Camille's sake I am going to renew my efforts to miss less, be sad less, and try to maximize my today while it is still here.

Fireside

I am idea hunting for a good fireside I need plan for September. We just had the bishop talk on dating and have done one on education. Has anyone planned or been to a great fireside for youth lately? I have a couple of ideas that I got from sugardoodle but nothing has really hit me yet.

Please share if you have any good ideas! Thanks

Squeezing the Juice Out of Summer

We have spent the last week in the pool, with cousins, sleeping in, and doing as few chores as possible. Usually I make the girls do lots of chores in their time off school. But I really wanted them to have a "break" between school years. Since we only have 2 weeks off between grades we are trying to make our "summer vacation" as full of fun as possible.

This weekend we headed to see our Southern California cousins and just play. There were no agendas. We hit the pool a couple of times and roasted marshmallows around the fire pit. Best of all we got to see family. We miss California. We lived there for about 7 years before we moved here and we miss the weather, our friends, and our family down there.

This week we have more pool time scheduled. We are cramming in some daily swimming lessons. We also have play dates to go on and bikes to ride in the evening. Who knows maybe we will even make some ice cream.

So if I am not on here blogging, I am probably holding Noble or trying to maximize our summer fun.

A Book

I have been working on turning my blog into a book. It has been an addicting and emotional journey. I am using Blurb. I have been going through and editing which entries I want to include and which layouts I want to use.

I have done up through the funeral. There are so many gaps in my story that I want to write up and fill in to complete this book. It is going to be an emotional process but one that I think will be well worth the effort.

So if my posts are sparse lately, it is because I am working on the book and trying to cram a summer's worth of fun into the two weeks that my kids have off school before they start the new year. It is kind of a tall order.

Archiving

I have changed the way my archives are shown to try to make it easier to go back and find certain posts. I hope it is helpful to you.

There Just Isn't Enough Chocolate in the World

You know those days when you just feel down for no particular reason? I am having one of those days. I have been keeping myself busy to try to kick myself out of this funk. Still it doesn't seem to be working. I probably need to go exercise. That would probably do it. I would rather try to drown my depression in chocolate. Maybe hook myself up to an IV of it. :) But really I know there isn't enough chocolate in the world to really make this bum feeling go away.

I guess that leaves me with exercising. Did I mention I am not in the mood to exercise? All the more reason to do it. I know. It is even more important for my mental health than my physical health and frankly my body could use it too.

Maybe if I just go put the clothes on... That is usually the hardest part right? Noble and Lauren are both asleep. Now is my chance. Come on Steph! Get your bootie up and go get dressed and take Nike's advice and JUST DO IT!

Okay. I am going to publish this post and go do it. If you are reading this and feeling the same way go put your tennis shoes on and join me ok? I'll add to this post after I am done to let you know if my exercise did the trick of pulling me out of my funk and clearing my head. Maybe if I can get my head clear I can even make some decisions to answer questions that are currently wrestling around in my mind.

***************************************************************************

Added at 7:00 p.m.

Okay I did it and I do feel so much better. Endorphins are great. The blah is temporarily gone. Hopefully the high will last me for a while. Or at least until tomorrow. Getting started really is the hardest part. Once I got on the treadmill, my planned 20 minute leisurely walk turned into a 40 minute power walk. Now I need to go shower before the little people wake.

Go make yourself sweat today! You will thank yourself later!

My Favorite Blog Post This Week

My friend Shanan wrote the following post this week about an experience she had with her boss and his very very ill wife. I love it because it illustrates so well that priesthood blessings are available for all people. I hope you will love it too. Here it is in full. I'll be watching for updates on Kat's condition.

Priesthood Power

August 9, 2009 — Shanan Durda

This post has actually been a work in progress – in my mind – for months now. However, I’ve never been able to find a way to write what I want to say. But, this week proved to be my opportunity. It has been an emotionally and mentally trying week – as well as a spiritually uplifting week. One that has evoked feelings of true gratitude for the very gift of life, for being a member of the LDS church, for my faith, for the presence of Heavenly Father in my life …

For the Priesthood.

I have often thought to myself that my life would be so very different if I didn’t have the gospel in it. I have never been able to understand how I could actually live without the church – which often leads to me asking myself the very simple question, ‘How do people live without the church?’ But, that’s not for me to answer. I know – and like – a lot of people that live without it. Many of these friends are devout in their own religion. And they are very happy.

My boss is one of these very people.

I currently work as the Sr. Executive Assistant for the GM of some company based here in Austin. His name is Matt – and his wife’s name is Katina. Two weeks ago, Matt & Kat were celebrating their 20th anniversary at a ritzy hotel in downtown Austin. They were woken up Sunday morning by their middle child, Jackie, who was attending a cheer camp at UT, asking them to come pick her up as she was not feeling well. It ended up that Jackie had caught the H1N1 virus (Swine Flu) while at cheer camp – and brought it home. As the next few days passed by, and due to some very unfortunate circumstances, Kat caught the flu from her daughter. To say this flu is nasty is a complete understatement. Although it has been said that youth and children can typically rebound from this illness and regain their strength quickly, adults do not have this same luck. Kat continued to get worse and, unfortunately, by the end of the week this flu had turned into viral pneumonia.

This puts us at this past Monday (Aug 3rd).

Kat was admitted to a local hospital on Saturday (Aug 1st) and I first found out the Sunday following. While talking to Matt on Monday, it was obvious that he was worried and had been forced into a position he had never been in – and truly never wanted to be in. He had no answers of what was in store for Kat or how/when she would even recover. All he knew was that he couldn’t live without her. My immediate thoughts turned to the Priesthood – more specifically, the chance to give Kat a Priesthood blessing. If it were me in this situation, a Priesthood blessing would be a no-brainer. Matt & Kat, however, are not of our faith – and a Priesthood blessing is completely foreign to them. Understandable. But, as I was talking to Matt, I remember thinking that Priesthood blessings are available for all who need them – even if they are not of the LDS faith – and I felt prompted to explain a little about the Priesthood to him and offer for Aaron (and another Priesthood holder from church) to administer a blessing to Kat.

But I chickened out. I didn’t know how to say what I wanted to say. I knew I would mess up the explanation and the offer.

I didn’t say a word.

When I got off the phone, I was overcome with the Spirit and felt the need to call Matt back and offer this to him. I asked Aaron to help me determine what I should say and how I should approach this topic with Matt. With a little prayer in my heart (and Aaron’s words typed out in front of me!), I called him back. And, whadayaknow, it wasn’t that scary. I briefly explained what the Priesthood is, more specifically what Priesthood blessings are, and offered for Aaron to give Kat a blessing. Matt was sincerely grateful for my offer, but respectfully declined. And I was fine with his response. My purpose in calling back was to offer it – not force it upon him.

Kat was transferred to a bigger hospital with more specialized doctors the day after I spoke to Matt the first time. The pneumonia quickly spread into Kat’s other lung and was joined by bacterial pneumonia. Kat fought as hard as she could all week to simply breath – something I now realize I take for granted. The body is truly an amazing machine. Unfortunately, this just wasn’t enough and did not give her body the opportunity to rest and rejuvenate – as it so desperately needed. Kat was sedated and put on life support this past Friday morning and will probably need to be put on dialysis before too long as her kidneys are already starting to fail.

Fast forward to yesterday.

It was yesterday that I got this call.

‘Shanan, I would like to take you up on that offer,’ Matt humbly asked.

‘Absolutely!’ I so eagerly responded. ’… No, it is not critical that you be there … I understand your want for her to have this sooner rather than later … No, no, you’re not putting us out … We will make it happen … Don’t you worry.’

We asked Aaron’s home-teaching companion to come with us to help administer the blessing. We were all humbled as we gathered in Kat’s ICU room around 5:30pm last night. Life is so fragile. It is not easy seeing somebody lie so helpless, dependent on modern technology to keep them breathing. However, she still had life. She still had a will to live. She had proved that. All of our eyes discovered at once the picture of Jesus Christ she had resting behind her bed. She may not be a member of my faith – but she has faith in the very same Jesus Christ that I have faith in.

Aaron and Jason gently laid their hands on Kat’s head.

There is so much power in the administering of a Priesthood blessing.

There was so much power in the administering of this Priesthood blessing.

“My word … shall all be fulfilled, whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same … If a servant of the Lord speaks as he is moved upon by the Holy Ghost, his words are ‘the will of the Lord, … the mind of the Lord, … the word of the Lord ,… [and] the voice of the Lord.’” (D&C 1:38, 68:4)

My testimony of the power of the Priesthood was strengthened yesterday as I listened to the words the Lord had prepared for Kat. I am in awe at how giving the Lord is of miracles in my life – and in the lives of others – no matter what form they come in. I am humbled to know that I have this very power within my home – that my husband holds and honors the Priesthood. The Lord loves each of us – regardless of whether or not we have accepted His gospel here on this earth. He knows, so intimately, what we need. The Lord allows miracles to happen in our lives to teach and comfort us on our journey back to Him. I only hope that my faith continues to grow so that I can be worthy of the many miracles the Lord has promised – and will promise – me in my life. I have come to understand more fully that not only does the Lord ask for faith in receiving a blessing – but faith in trusting His promises will be granted.

I pray that Kat keeps her will to fight – keeps her will to live – keeps her faith.

For the Lord has great promises to fulfill in her life.

For those of you who may be reading this who are not of the LDS faith, visit www.mormon.org to find answers to what the Priesthood is and what Priesthood blessings are – and answers to any other questions you may have about our faith.

Finale

It is the Finale of So You Think You Can Dance tonight, or at least the last performance show. Party at my house and I am making the above pictured Chocolate Chip Mascarpone Cupcakes by Giada off Food Network. Get the recipe HERE.

Come watch with us and have a cupcake if you know me well enough to know where I live.

Till tonight then...

(hmmm yummmm ... I smell the chocolate baking!)

Don't Be Shy

I have always loved meeting new people. My husband teases me that I can hold a better conversation with a new person that I do with him. I love getting to know people. In college I moved 8 times in 4 years with new roommates each time. My whole goal in this was to meet and really get to know as many people as possible. And I collected a lot of really great friends along the way.

Meeting new people now, however, is a bit daunting. I am fine meeting someone for 5 minutes that I will never see again. But meeting someone I know I will see again and again gets a bit tricky. I never know if or what they know about Camille and it is almost always hard to tell someone about her.

It isn't so much that I have a hard time getting the words out. It is their reaction and often their follow up questions that make it so difficult. It is kind of a pretty big and devastating bomb to drop on to someone. They are often shocked and almost always want to know how she died. When I say she drowned they want to know more about exactly how that happened. The first time someone asked this I was unprepared and started to answer.

That little conversation set me back to day one for about two weeks. Just telling her about that day made me live it all over again. It was awful. The next time I was more prepared. I told the person I don't like to talk about it and if she wanted to know more she could go read my blog. That worked out much better. I still worry in the back of my mind that people will think I am at fault because I do not discuss the exact "how" that led to Camille being in the spa. But that is just the way it will have to be. It was nobody's fault. It was just a tragic and fatal and unforeseen cumulation of circumstances mixed with a bit of unbelievable determination and terrible luck on Camille's part. Sometimes I think there had to be an army of angels in our house that day making sure all these circumstances would fall into place and helping her get to the spa because it was her time to go.

Here I go again, reliving that day. This is why I don't discuss it. It is too hard to keep my mind off the events.

But I digress... The point is that it is really a sticky point of meeting new people now. So can you imagine how relieving and wonderful it is when I meet someone and they tell me, "Yes, I know who you are. I read your blog." Instantly I feel like I have a new friend. They not only know lots about me personally, they know the hardest part of my life and I don't have to tell them.

I had this happen a couple of times in the last few weeks and it made me so happy to meet new friends. With the ward boundary changes we had last year at church I don't see many of my friends each week anymore. I feel I hardly know anyone at church anymore except for the young women (they rock!) When I meet someone at church I never know if they know anything about Camille or not. So it is just such a nice thing when someone comes up to me and "outs" themselves as a blog reader. I feel like we have an instant connection.

So if you are a reader and you see me in real life, don't be shy. Come on over and say "HI! I read your blog." I always LOVE to meet a new friend.

It Happens to us All at Least Once

If you have little girls or if you ever were a little girl, chances are you have at some point seen the effects of playing beauty shop with real scissors. The other night Jon brought Lauren downstairs. In his hand were kid school scissors and the hair above.

She had cut all the hair in front of her ear on one side of her head to about ear length. Pretty sad for a girl who has been begging me to make her hair long like Annie's so she can have a big braid. This is the second time we have had unauthorized hair cutting in this family. The last time was before Lauren had hair.

Last time Sabrina put a dish towel around Annie, who was then about 3 and gave her a nightmare hair cut with a few random one inch long pieces. Then she cut her own hair to her chin in the front. That time I lost it. I cried and cried. I was so sad to see my little girls with their lovely hair so butchered and have to be cut so short.

This time I was far less devastated. The girls hair cuts before ended up being really cute thanks to the magic of Aunt Carolyn's wonderful hair cutting skills. I hoped Lauren's would be equally as fixable.

But in an effort to scare her enough not to have her cut any more hair, I did lay on the "how sad, now we will have to cut off all your hair" drama pretty thick. I think it did the trick. Lauren spent much of the 2 days before we actually got her hair cut locking herself in Noble's room hiding. She didn't want me to find her and take her to get her hair cut.

We did eventually get it cut and I think we ALL are pleased with the outcome. Thanks to my friend Cairen for coming to our rescue with her expert hair cutting skills.

Here is the after picture. I forgot to take the photo of her before. Whoops.

I just love this pose.

My little Lauren is a cute girl with long or short hair. Though she will have to wait some time before we are going to be able to do any big braids for her. Till then she will just have to look cute with her short hair cut.

I'm Not Going to Let You Win!

Sometimes I feel it -- the pressure, the heat from the battle. There is a continual onslaught of negative thoughts playing rounds in my head. Most of the time I can ignore them with the business of the day. In quiet moments they are harder to tune out.

I remind myself of all the answers I have come up with these last 13 months. I repeat to myself the same lines I have told myself a hundred thousand times before. I know my answers are good. They are both logically sound and I have felt their validity spiritually. I know my answers are true and good. But still the record spins it rounds of failure and despair in my head. And sometimes I hear it and feel it -- the pressure and the wearing down from this battle within.

I know these voices. I know who authors them. He wants me to be miserable. He wants me to give up. He wants me to drown myself in them. And he is relentless in his efforts.

And so must I be in mine. And so I say aloud so he can hear and know, "I'm not going to let you win. You will not win. I'm not going to let you win." And with those word I deliver a battle turning blow. The voices grow quieter and my own truth gains ground.

I will never cease to fight, thought I tire in the battle. I have warrior blood running through my veins. I will forge on day by day and in the end I will win. If for no other reason than to keep him from winning instead.

Playing with PhotoBooth

This morning Noble was fussing a little so I turned on Photo Booth to see if he would like seeing himself. We took a few pictures and even though I am in my pjs and glasses, I liked how cute Lauren and Noble looked in some of them. So here is a bit of our fun from this morning.

It started out just the two of us. One of us is feeling a bit grumpy.

Grumpy kinda liked seeing the picture of himself and cheered up a little.

Then silly came along and joined in the fun.

Then silly gave us a smile too.

I love those blue of my baby boy. They so often remind me of my sweet girl. Funny though how even though my kids look similar as babies each has his or her own "spirit" about them that is unique and totally identifiable.

Someone once asked me how I know when I feel Camille near me. I think each person's spirit has its own feel. It is what makes me know which of my identical twin brother I am talking to on the phone or which of them it is when I see them together. They may look identical but their spirits are so different and each has a different sense or feel to him.

I can't always tell my identical twin nephews apart. But that is because I am not around them enough to KNOW the feel of their Spirit. It is familiarity that helps us KNOW the feel of our family members so well. Sometimes I look into Noble's eyes which look so like Camille's eyes to try to see a bit of her. But Noble's spirit shines so brightly through his eyes that there is no mistaking who I am looking at.

That is how it is now with Camille. I can't see or hear her now. But I can still feel the sense of her at times and that makes me think she must be near.

Wanting

When I was single I used to have this quote up on my wall. I am not sure who made it up. But it totally fit my life.

"Men I want don't want me.

Men I don't want think I am 'the one.'

Men I think are 'the one' act as if I am not there.

Men I treat as if they are not there want me.

If I could be anyone I wanted to be,

I'd be one of the women who doesn't wants the men who want the women who aren't me."

It seems for some of us it is innate to always want what we can't have. It was true of me in my dating life. It is true now because lately I have REALLY been wanting a bit of this:

Camille Kathleen Waite

In an effort to combat my "wanting" I have been reminding myself of something a speaker at Time Out for Women said last year. I think it is applicable to lots of situations so I thought I would share.

The speaker, whose name I can't remember, talked about the Garden of Eden. It was a garden full of flowers trees and fruit. The Lord told Adam and Eve that they could eat freely of ALL the trees in the Garden --- ALL except for ONE. There was only ONE tree that He told them not to eat from. They could FREELY eat from ALL the others.

The speaker related this to how often we have similar circumstances in our lives. We are given SO much from the Lord and yet often there is ONE (or maybe a few or several) thing(s) that we are not able to enjoy fully here. The speakers message was to try to focus on all the trees we are able to eat from instead of focusing on the one we are forbidden.

That is easier said than done for those of us with this nature of always wanting what we can't have. But it is something I have spent the last year REALLY trying to do. And I have found much success in my efforts. I know I appreciate my living children more fully than before. And it gives me something to refocus my thoughts and my heart when the missing and wanting get too intense.

Really this life is not the time that we get to enjoy all the fruit. There must be some withheld so that we can know the bitter. And it is in the next life that we will fully appreciate the sweet that will then be ours without reservation or restriction.

What A Wife Can Do

Someone asked the following question in a comment:

what are some of the things that you do as a wife to make your marriage strong? I am looking for not necessary new ideas, but maybe some better ones to strengthen our marriage, or at least my part. Any thoughts?

I think a strong marriage is the key to a strong family and strong families make great communities. So I thought I would throw my thoughts on this subject out there and invite comments from others on the subject. I think there is a lot to be gained from brainstorming ideas to make any marriage better. So if you have a tip that works for you, leave it in a comment.

First I think for those marriages in serious trouble (like you or your spouse is seriously thinking about ending the relationship), you should go to counseling. If your loved one was sick and dying you would surely take them to a doctor to try to save them. You would do whatever you could to save their life. We ought to think of our "marriage" as a loved one and if it is seriously ill and dying we ought to make every effort possible to save it. Going to a professional "marriage doctor" is one of those things we ought to do. And finding the right therapist is also important. I haven't ever done counseling but I have friends whose marriages have been saved by counseling.

Okay for those whose marriages are not on life support but may be feeling a bit "under the weather" or for those of us whose marriages are quite healthy but would still appreciate any boost to fortify our "immune system," I will share a few tips I find help from the wifely perspective.

I think one tip that helps me is trying to see things from my husbands point of view. This helps me be more understanding of his frustrations with me and helps me be a better "helpmeet" to him. For example, my husband works a lot. Often he puts in 16 hour days. His job is highly stressful. He does all this for us. He needs time when he doesn't have to "work" at his job or at mine. So I try to be understanding and uncomplaining and even supportive of the time he takes out of his day to workout or play the Wii with the kids, or watch some sports thing on TV.

We have talked recently about how important it is to take an interest in things that mean a lot to the other even if we are not interested in it. So I will watch some sport thing with him just to have us doing things and enjoying experiences TOGETHER. He on the other hand has even watched one or two dances on my favorite show with me.

I think it is important to pray earnestly for your spouse both in private and out loud where your spouse can hear.

We also need to be supportive of our husbands in overcoming their weaknesses. This does not mean nagging them. No this means being understanding that they are human with faults just like us. And it means forgiving without the nagging when they screw up. They ALL screw up. Every husband has a fault. Every husband screws up once in a while. If your spouse knows he is screwing up we don't need to harp on it. We need to forgive and help them find tools to be better.

One of the best pieces of advice the man who married us gave us was "it is more important to have peace in the home than to be right." I like being right. Most of the time I am pretty sure that I am right (even if I am wrong). Jon is the same this way. So there are LOTS of times that I let unimportant things go that I KNOW I am right about and he is wrong about. Normally I would prove my point. I am an attorney after all. But in our marriage I often hear that advice in my head and ask myself how important it is for me to prove that I am right. 99% of the time it just isn't that important and I let the subject drop and let Jonathan think he is right.

Little things go a long way in marriage. I try to do little things to "exceed expectations" every once in a while. Sometimes I will do one of the jobs that Jonathan usually does around the house.

The last thing I will put out there is perhaps one of the most important. How shall I put this? Hmm. I am trying to be careful here because I don't know the ages of everyone reading. But I will say that being available to your husband when he needs (or just wants) you physically is probably one of the most effective things a wife can do to help her marriage.

Okay the forum is open for your tips. Sorry this isn't so well put together. I just don't have the editing time I once did. I am looking forward to great tips in the comments:

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So You Think You Can Dance Fans who know me well enough to know where I live, come watch the 99th episode tonight with us. We start the show promptly at 9 pm. My sister in law Elizabeth was there for the taping and will be on camera lots since she was right in front of the judges. She said the second half of the show was AMAZING and one number had everyone in the audience in tears by the end. I can't wait!

Storms Moving In

I love a good storm. Las Vegas is usually good for a few good storms in the late summer months. We have been watching lighting storms for about 48 hours now. Still no rain at our house. But I can feel it coming. It is in the air. I wait for it with anticipation. The oppressing heat and humidity will be relieved when the rain falls.

I can see the rain falling on the horizon, out in the desert, somewhere. It is out there quenching some other creatures thirst. They are feeling the relief of its fury. From here I can only watch as God's hands sweeps over the clouds and lightly brushes them down to the earth. From here I watch and wait. I wait for my turn to feel the rain on my face.

I imagine it is always storming on someone somewhere on this rock we call Earth. I am more aware of that now than before. In every crowd I see, I wonder how many of these people are weathering their own personal storms. How many are longing for a break and a bit of sun? How many need the rain to fall again to release the pressure of their own personal pain? How must our Father feel knowing the hearts of us all?

Beating the Vegas Heat

Summer is in full swing here and we have been feeling the heat. Our last free day before going back to school we spent with cousins beating the heat at a local splash park.

I love how quickly these parks cool you off. We brought a bunch of cups and let the kids put the cups over the sprayers. When the water fountain turned the sprayer on the cups would go flying. It makes for great fun for everyone.

But eventually some of us got cold from the water and tired from playing. Here is Lauren above snuggled in her bunny towel and warming herself in the sun.

When we went to leave I realized I had locked my keys in the car. So we laid the towels all out in a row and warmed up in the sun while we waited for my sister to come with the extra set of keys.

While we were at this splash park I couldn't help remembering coming here a year ago with my two sister in laws and their kids. It was the first time after Camille's death that I felt joy again. I was so desperate to feel joy again. I wondered if I would ever laugh again. That day I did laugh and I did feel joy. It was like enjoying a cool breeze after spending weeks in unbearably oppressive heat.

I do not have to work so hard to find joy in my life now. It is no longer the struggle to breath and eat that it was back then. The burden of the grief is still on my shoulders, and there are times that I struggle under its weight. But it is so much more bearable than it was then. For that and for the return of joy to my life I am grateful.

Birthday Girl Lauren

This was my three year old little girl. It is with mixed emotions that I have spent this week with her declaring herself "Birthday Girl Lauren." She was excited all week about her birthday and has decided to remain "Birthday Girl Lauren," as she has taken to calling herself, indefinitely. I on the other hand have had a rough time seeing her turn four. Suddenly she became my baby girl and now she is growing up --- fast.

I will admit it has been a harder week for me. I have had some rough nights missing the girl who is supposed to be my baby girl but is not here for me to squeeze and love and dress up. But in the light of day I have held it together and we have celebrated for Lauren. She has been feeling her oats and trying to use the "birthday girl" status to take over the world (or at least to try to control everything and everyone in her world.)

We held a birthday party for her complete with Arial cake made by my baker friend and neighbor.

Thanks Jeni!

Oh and there were friends and cousins and candles to blow out of course.

And we can forget presents and party games (6 games in all and that was after we narrowed her list of games she wanted to play down.)

We had so much fun with her party and we hope all the guests had fun too. I am glad that even though Lauren has turned four she still loves cuddles (note her favorite pjs in the first photo) as much as always because I am always going to love giving them to her.

A Good FHE on the Fly

Last night we gathered the kids for Family Home Evening. Neither Jon or I had prepared anything though we had been tossing ideas around for a while. I wanted to make some muffins. And my parents were planning to come over later in the evening. We needed to get our lesson in there somewhere.

So I stole the "recipe=scriptures" object lesson from our young women's lesson on Sunday by Sis. Clark and gathered the family to make muffins. We talked about "following the instructions" when we make a recipe. I asked them how hard it would be to make muffins without a recipe. We decided instructions were pretty important.

Then I asked them if Heavenly Father had given us instructions for how to live and return home and if so where we could find them. This brought us to the scriptures. The muffins were easy to make and quickly in the oven. We then turned to read Heavenly Father's instructions.

I had the girls turn to Matthew where the Savior talks about being hungry and you fed me etc... and when you do it to the least of these my brethern you have done it unto me. I was thinking we could "follow" these instructions and give some muffins to my "hungry" parents.

What I did not remember was the first part of that scripture. It starts in Matthew 25:31-33:

"When the Son of man shall come in his glory and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory: And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats: And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left."

First I asked the girls which "angel" did we know that would be coming with the Savior in his glory. Camille of course. Then we talked about how the sheep will be on the right or the good side of the Lord with Camille and the goats will be on the left or the not so good side of the Lord.

Then I asked the girls what the difference was between a goat and a sheep. (Now I will admit that I am not farm girl and frankly I don't know for sure what the difference is but I think my answer was right and it definitely fit my needs for the "child obedience training" in which we are seemingly permanently engaged.)

I told the girls that a sheep comes when the shepherd calls it and the goat doesn't. The goat has to be prodded to get it to obey. I asked them whether they wanted to be sheep or goats. Everyone wanted to be sheep. Hallelujah! Then I told them I would be watching all week to see who would be the fastest sheep when they were called. Everyone wanted to be the fastest sheep.

All day today I have been asking the girls, "Can you be a fast sheep? Are you a slow sheep or a goat that needs prodding?" And I have been able to give some good praise and have needed very little prodding. That makes for a pretty great day in my book.

So yet another way to teach obedience presented itself. At the end the girls saw that the Lord gave us instructions in the scriptures and the instructions said to "be obedient and serve others," as Sabrina put it. I think that sums it up nicely.

Sabrina in her new glasses.

Lauren and Noble rocking in the background.

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So You Think You Can Dance Party at my house tomorrow night. We are starting the show promptly at 9:00 p.m. and I am need to be in bed by 10:30. Looking forward to it!