Feelings on the move

I really can't put into words how I am feeling about this move. I have so many varied emotions it is hard to identify and keep track of them.

I feel like I have turned the helm of my life over to the Lord. I am a planner. I like to have my whole life planned out. If there is one thing I have learned these last 5 years, it is that life doesn't always go according to plan.

People ask me how long we will be in Dallas. My answer - for as long as it is right for us to be there. Maybe that will be one year, or three. Maybe it will be for 10 years or 20. I don't know. I have turned over the control to Him. I guess we will see what He has in store for me.

I went to Dallas last week. I went to church just 9 hours after landing. The ward was great in the area we want to live. It reminded me that the gospel is the same no matter where you go, just different people doing their best to live it. The people were nice.

I am going to be ok. I will make new friends. The Lord will clear a path for us. That is my hope.

But I am not sure I will ever have friends like the ones I have here. These friendships have been forged through difficult trials. Many of my friends here have seen me at my lowest of lows. They have held me up. They have stood by me when I couldn't stand alone.

Okay, gotta stop thinking about this ... my mascara is all down my face now and my nose is running ... I just can't quite go there yet. I'll head back to denial that I am leaving these wonderful people and this home that I love.

But as much Texas pride as there is down there, I have to say, flying over Lake Mead and seeing those rocky mountains standing as guardians around our valley, I felt a surge of my own state pride. In my mind I heard the state song, "Home means Nevada. Home means the hills. Home means the sage and the pine... Home means Nevada to me."

Easter Made Simple

Hope. That is Easter made simple. Easter is a celebration of the hope we are given through Christ's victory over death.

This year, since we drove Jonathan to Dallas last week and I just flew home yesterday with all five kids, we simplified Easter. I didn't buy anything. We woke up to a house without much in the way of groceries. I threw together a Dutch Baby for breakfast and we went around the table telling why we were thankful for Jesus.

Sabrina and Noble are sick so they stayed home and the rest of us headed to church to hear the Good Word. I love our ward. I learn new things or have new insights almost every Sunday. We just have a really great ward and the Spirit is strong in every meeting.

We dyed eggs after church with shaving cream and food coloring. I made a quick batch of cookies to take to Grandma's house for our family potluck dinner there.

After Camille died I thought I wanted to make Easter bigger and more anticipated by the kids. As time has gone on, I have found that this holiday is one I want to treasure up in my heart rather than "celebrate" in the traditional commercial way. I reflected so much more on the Savior today than I have other Easters because I wasn't trying to get everyone picture perfect for church in new dresses and I wasn't worried about getting through all sorts of activities or whatnot.

I thought about the quiet peace that must have been almost tangible in the empty tomb. I tried to carry that with me through my day. It is the peace of the promise He fulfilled. It is the peace of that great Hope He gives. All else may fail, but in Him we can always still find Hope.

Home

Sitting in the quiet comfort of my mostly sleeping home, I look around and see all the places she has crawled and climbed and discovered here in this home that was her home.

Tonight is Jon's last night home in this home. Four years ago, I could not have entertained the idea of moving from this home that was her home. The thought of leaving this place where she had lived was unbearable.

But I have come to learn over the last four years that my Camille lives more fully in my heart than in any earthly space. Home is where your family is and she will be home with me no matter where I roam or in which house I hang my figurative hat.

The poem by e e Cummings comes to mind...
[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]
BY E. E. CUMMINGS
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

That is the deepest secret ... I carry her heart (I carry it in my heart) Here, in Texas, anywhere.

Power of Moms Retreat in Las Vegas

Last year I attended and spoke at a Power of Moms Retreat here in Las Vegas. I really enjoyed attending the workshops and sharing ideas with the other mothers. I picked up some great ideas for our family that I am still using a year later.

Power of Moms is hosting another retreat in the Las Vegas area again April 12-13th. You can find information on that HERE. If you are available that weekend, I would highly recommend attending the retreat. I would be going if I weren't going to be in Dallas that weekend.

I am a member of a Learning Circle through the Power of Moms group. It has been such a blessing to my life. I have formed really close relationships with the women in my group and feel a real sense of support and strength from our meetings. I feel like attending the meetings gives me more confidence in my ability to be an effective mother and more tools to use in that pursuit. Every month when we meet, I am reminded about the big picture of how important my work at home is and I leave recommitted to give it my all.

Check out forming a learning circle of your own at Power of Moms.

What are the odds?

Recently I have been teaching Noble how he got his name and why. He knows his name is Morgan Noble Waite. I ask him who he is named after. He replies that he is named after "your dad" (his grandpa.) I ask what my dad's name is and he says, "Grandpa Harris!" I say yes but what is his name that is the same as your name? Noble then replies, "Morgan!"

Then comes the harder question: "Why are you named after him?"

Noble will now say, "because of the sisters." Yes. I explain to him, Grandpa had four big sisters just like you have 4 big sisters. And he is the 5th kid in his family just like you are the 5th kid in your family. Then we count the sisters in our family by name and I name the big sisters in my dad's family.

Then I add in that Grandpa Harris has one little brother just like Noble has one little brother. That is why he is named after Grandpa Harris.

Today my Aunt Helen came over to pick something up. We don't see her very often. She is my dad's sister. Last time she came over Noble was about 6 months old, so this was his first time really meeting her.

I went to get him and said, "Noble, come and meet one of Grandpa Harris' four big sisters." Then I thought about it and realized that she is the sister just above my dad. So I said, "this is Grandpa's 'Camille' sister that was born just before him just like Camille was born just before you."

We went in and Noble hit it off with Aunt Helen. She asked how old he was and when was his birthday. He told her his birthday is in May, "It's always in May." Then Aunt Helen said hers was in April. I didn't know that. Camille's birthday is April 19th.

"Oh, wow, Camille's birthday is in April too," I tell her. "What day is your birthday, Aunt Helen?"

"April 19th" she says. Wow.

Feeling a new connection to my Aunt Helen today.

Here is Aunt Helen reading one of the 20 books Noble brought to show her because she just "HAD TO SEE" it!

How Times Have Changed

I am getting a small preview of the coming months. Jon has been in NYC for a couple of days for a conference for his new job. He gets back late tonight. Nine days later we move him out to Dallas. Then I will only get to see him once or twice a month until we move out there to join him sometime this summer.

Jon and I were on opposite coasts for our whole engagement and dating experience. It was rough. But that was almost 14 years ago. In our modern age of technology, a lot changes in 14 years. I didn't even have a cell phone back then. Imagine that!

The last couple days are certainly more work and less sleep for me. But, Instagram, texting and other new technologies are going to make this long distance thing a little better this time around.

I have had fun seeing Jon's Instagrams to see what he is doing and the joy in his day. I have been putting up some photos for him of his little buddies. It makes us feel more connected even when we are 3000 miles apart and he is in meetings all day and can't talk.

Perhaps one of the hardest parts that I hadn't really considered before will be how much the kids will miss Jonathan. Harrison can't say too many words, but he can say "Dad." He has been clingy with me today and every time we pass the office or my bedroom or Jon's car, or a family picture he points and says, "Dad." He misses his Dad.

By the time we finally move to Dallas, Harrison will be thinking Dad is in the computer. Because he will see him on Skype more than in person. But at least he will be able to see him and talk to him. I am so grateful for our modern technology for these good things it enables. It has serious "side effects" and dangers, but it can also bring great blessings to us.

Dinner Club

Last night for dinner club I made these amazing ABC Burgers from Remarkable Home.

I normally I don't really like homemade hamburgers. But my friend Emily is an amazing baker and cook and she worked her magic with this burger recipe. Go on over to her blog to see the recipe and try it out.

I made roasted potatoes and a triple chocolate cake from Pintrest that had a layer that was brownies. Yumm.

I am going to need to form a new dinner group in Texas. These last 4 years of cooking only once a week has been heavenly.

Get to vs. Have to

I learned so very much during the last 5 months of studying. Most of it would bore the majority of you and I will refrain from sharing the intricacies of present possessory property interests with you. But one of the things the criminal law professor shared has far reaching application and I find myself applying it in every day life.

During his lecture he reminded us that when we set out for law school we were so excited to get in and "get" to go to law school. Within a few weeks we were saying, "I have to read these cases and do this work." But all the while we were paying lots of money to "get" to do this work and learn these things.

His point was that if we would think of our studying in terms of "getting to" study for the bar rather than "having to" study for it, our studying would be more effective.

I kept that mindset through my hours of studying. I feel it did help.

Now here I am trying to get back into the swing of being a mother. I have not done much cleaning or mothering these last couple of months. I literally was studying 8-10 hours a day on average. And I have found myself having a hard time transitioning back into the more mundane aspects of motherhood like diapers and mess cleaning.

But here this lesson from my criminal law professor keeps haunting my mind. I have just gone through a period of emotionally and mentally stealing myself to reenter the work force. While there was a part of me that looked forward to the idea of working, the idea of leaving my children each day and not being able to mother them all day was painful to me.

With Jonathan's new job, I will not need to work outside our home. I "get" to stay home with my kids and be their diaper changer and mess cleaner upper. It is a privilege to do this. I am sacrificing good money for this opportunity. I am a better mother when I remember this.

Which aspects of your life do you treat like you "have tos" when really they are "get tos?" How would your experience in these areas change if you could see them from the perspective of "get to?"

Bipolar Moving Disorder

I have officially named how I have been feeling ... I have bipolar moving disorder. It is characterized by drastic mood swings regarding an upcoming move to a new area. One moment a sufferer will be wildly happy about the prospect of new opportunities and possibilities and friends to meet, the next he or she will be sullen or even in tears at the thought of moving to an unfamiliar area and leaving all the things and people she loves.

Today I have been pretty down at the thought of moving. I am really hoping that our visit to Dallas at the end of the month helps pull me out of this funk. I mean I am still thankful and recognize the blessing in this. I do. Deeply. But I know it is going to be hard ... really hard.

I just went through all the little girl dresses I kept in case Harrison was a girl. It is a collection of all my favorite of our little girl dresses. I pulled about 5 of my favorites out to use in a quilt and bagged the rest to give to family or sell in a yard sale.

I am going to be selling so much stuff. I am hoping to put all the money I make off selling our stuff to help pay for our move. So if you know me and want books for kids, little girl clothes age 6 and under, little boy clothes age 18 months and under, or kid toys, come on over. You can have your first pick of the yard sale pile. :0) I plan to post at lease one thing everyday on a facebook yard sale page in our area.

This is really closing a chapter of our lives. In one way, I am happy to box up all the hard parts of this experience in Las Vegas and put it in an emotional box and move on from it. But all these hard experiences have given birth to such love wonderful friendships and tender feeling. Who can throw away a perfect rose just because it is riddled with thorns?

Bipolar Moving Disorder. It is real. And I have it.