So You Think You Can Dance

It is that time again! So You Think You Can Dance is back for its first ever fall season. I have watched the auditions and am pretty excited to see how this top 20 turns out. I am thrilled that the producers have decided to do a "meet the top 20" show this time. I think that will help those who didn't get much air time during auditions.

I will be hosting Tuesday night parties to watch the show. I will provide some type of refreshment. I am thinking of alternating between sweet and savory and trying a new recipe every time. Could be a fun adventure that way.

The party starts at 8:30 and we will start the show promptly at 9 p.m. We should be done watching by 10:30 at the latest.

This Tuesday we may watch a few highlights from Monday's Meet the Top 20 show. I won't be able to wait to watch it but we may do highlights for those who miss it.

So if you know me well enough to know where I live, and you love dance or just want some good ladies socialization, come on over on Tuesday to watch the show with us!

My Blog Book Came!

It came! It came! Today I got my "rough draft" version of my blog book in the mail. It was so exciting to see it and thumb through all the entries and see all the photos. Now all I have to do is read through it for edits and have a few other eyes do the same. Then I will order a hard copy for myself and each of my children and make the book public to anyone who wants a copy.

I did check on how much of a discount they would give me if lots of people wanted a copy. I can actually get some sort of discount if there are enough people. But even with the discount the book will be about $50 a copy. It is because it is 8 by 10 and has lots of color photos.

But if you do FOR SURE want a copy even if it is $50 or $60, please leave a comment on this post so I can get a count of how many I should order to get the discount. Otherwise, you can still get the book but it will be for the full price. And no worries if no one wants a copy at that price. I know it is a lot. Just thought I would make the offer to buy in bulk for the discount if enough people really wanted it.

Ann Marie started reading it tonight. I asked her what she thought of it after she read a few posts. She said it made her a little sad, because it talked about Camille. I told her she was right. But, I told her, one day I hoped it would be able to remind her of the little sister she has and what this time of our life has been like.

A Free Hour

What do you do with yourself when you have a free hour? Let me define "free" here. The kids are all at school. The baby just went down for his morning nap, which should last between one and two hours. Dad is home working so I don't have to stay home with the napping baby. I AM FREE!!!

On the other hand, there are dishes in the dishwasher waiting for me to unload them. There are clean clothes upstairs sorted and folded in baskets waiting for me to put them away (my clothes, not my kids clothes. I make them put their own clothes away). The family room has shoes and cars and pillows on the floor waiting to be picked up and the blankets are waiting to be folded. The floor needs sweeping and mopping. The non perishable groceries I bought this morning need to be put away. There are a few dishes waiting to be done after the dishwasher is emptied. I have been meaning to organize the hall closet for a couple of weeks now. My fridge could use a good cleaning out. There are beds to be made and sheets to change and lots and lots and lots of toys I could put away in the toy room. I could try to fix the vacuum that I broke cleaning out the car this weekend or mend my husbands suit coat that has the lining coming undone. I could clean all the bathrooms. I could organize the garage. I could go buy overhead storage for the garage so I can more effectively encourage my husband to install it.

Or I could blog...

Oh wait I forgot I have sewing class right now! I guess that is where I am spending my "free" hour today!

Swine Flu

Annie has been sick the last 5 or 6 days. It has been the most pleasant illness we have ever experienced with her. Usually when she is sick she refuses to walk and insists on laying on me and moaning the entire time. While there have been dramatic hours like this during this stint, most of the time she has been a pleasure to have around.

I think she has a mild case of the Swine Flu, though I haven't needed to take her to the doctor to confirm. It has been making the rounds and she has all the symptoms, though they are mild. One of our carpool friend got the same symptoms the day after Annie's fever started. Her parents took her to the ER one night because she was having trouble breathing. The doc said it was Swine Flue and gave her medicine. She is doing much better.

I am hoping that this really is the Swine Flu and it has hit us softly. None of my other kids have shown any signs of sickness yet. I guess we will wait and see. And Ann Marie is fever free today and will be back at school tomorrow. I will miss her. She is wonderful to have around. She is the best cleaner helper for me and the most fun play mate for Lauren.

We love you Ann Marie and we are glad you are feeling better!

The Grab Bag

When I was a little kid, I remember my mother having a "grab bag" in her closet. If we were really good or did a bunch of extra chores we got to go pick a prize out of the grab bag. It was a thrill to see what treasures she had hidden in there. It was literally a black garbage bag filled with small prizes. We put our hand in and whatever we grabbed was our prize.

I have had a "prize box" in my closet for years now. Usually I have reserved the privilege of picking a prize out of the box as my most desperate form of bribery. This is likely because the prizes in there have been worth about $10 a piece. So my kids didn't get to go to the prize box very often and only when they have done an insanely wonderful thing.

Recently, my prize box had been raided for last minute birthday party presents so many times that only a few easy to read book remained. Since I don't have a child at the "easy reader" level right now, the box may as well have been empty.

Then one day last week I took Annie to her violin lesson. She was so good during her lesson. Last year, I used to take her for an ice cream cone after her lessons if she was good. But that was back when her lessons were at 10 am. Now they are right before dinner so it isn't a good time to be eating ice cream.

I told her she could get brownie points instead. She said, "Yeah but brownie points don't mean anything." She was right. They were like the points on Whose Line Is It Anyways? So I decided to give her a "brownie buck" instead. I decided to make "brownie bucks" out of the scratch and sniff stickers I give the girls if they finish their morning chore list. I just put the sticker on their chore list. When they earn 10 points they get to pick out of the prize box.

I introduced the plan to the kids after I restocked the prize box with some smaller priced items. I told them they could get brownie bucks by finishing their chore list in the morning (it is a challenge for them because) or when they are caught being extra good, or by doing extra chores around the house.

Since then I have had Lauren begging me to clean everyday. Last week I went to Pilates one day and when I got back she had done 5 chores by herself. And they were well done too! She got to pick a prize out of the box and has been working to earn brownie bucks since.

I love it when a plan comes together!

Videos

Camille at 9 months. Her only trip to the beach.

Tonight the girls asked if we could watch Camille videos. How can we deny this request? We can't. So we put in the DVD and turned on the videos of their little sister. And we all sat and watched.

We marveled at how long Annie's hair has grown. How tall she has gotten. We were amazed at what a baby girl Lauren was in those videos. And Sabrina just looked so cute with her front two teeth missing. She was Annie's age then.

Time is passing. Watching those videos tonight made that fact vivid in my mind. Time is passing, the kids are growing, and Camille is not growing here with them. Our family is different. We have a new family member and he is growing. Soon he will be bigger than Camille ever was and he will only know her from these videos and the pictures of her that hang on the wall.

It is hard to watch the videos. They bring the reality of our loss in to sharp focus. She was such a beautiful baby. And I miss her tonight.

Cleaning the Microwave

One of the things that really bothered me about my husband early in our marriage was how differently he prioritized things than I do. The classic example I would always give of this was his cleaning of our microwave.

This was back in the days when we both worked outside the home. I was a criminal defense attorney and he worked as an auditor for a big accounting firm. We had a pretty small one bedroom apartment and no kids but somehow even then things did get dirty and we needed to do a big clean every week or so.

I remember so many times being in a hurry to get the place presentable for guests or whatever and Jonathan would be helping. There were dishes piled in the sink and cooking mess all over the kitchen and the kitchen table to be cleared off and wiped down and stuff put away in the family. You know -- obvious messes to clean. And what would my husband be doing? Cleaning the inside of the microwave. I mean, yes, it was dirty but is of our company really going to look in there when they come over in 15 minutes? This really used to frustrate me.

So for weeks now Jon has been saying, "we really need to clean out the inside of the microwave." And I have been replying, "I know. I know!" I am not sure when we cleaned it last but it was needing it badly and it was about the very last job on my list that I wanted or felt pressed to do.

A couple of days ago I came in from playing with the kids outside and found my husband cleaning out the inside of the microwave. The kitchen wasn't spotless and the family room could have been cleaned up, but I couldn't have been happier to be married to a man who had "Clean Out Microwave" on his priority list. I can get around to wiping down the counters and picking up the baby toys off the family room floor. I can make the kids pick up their countless shoes that litter our floor. And I am so glad I do not have to be the one to clean out the inside of our microwave.

I love you Jonathan! Thank you!

Foot Race

It is a sad, sad day when you realize your six year old can run faster than you can. This week we were out playing with our neighbor friends. My friend Sarah was "timing" Ann Marie to see how fast she could run to the second light post and back. After posting a time of 47.6 and then 47.2 she got serious and went into the house to replace her flip flops with tennis shoes.

With tennis shoes on she posted a time of 46.2. She was excited to have shaved a whole second off her time. All the time she was running I thought, "Geez she could go faster. That doesn't look like she is running full out." I kept yelling "GO ANNIE! Run like there is a monster behind you!"

It was fun. In fact I thought it looked like so much fun that I thought I would race her. What was I thinking? I don't know.

Back in the day (like in college), I used to run. I never have sprinted but I would average 10 minute miles with ease. And I trained to get down to 1.5 miles in 12 minutes for PE. I wanted an A and that was how you got it.

But it has been years since I ran regularly -- lots of years. In fact now that I am thinking about it, I don't think I have run regularly since I had Sabrina.

Anyway, none of this was in my head as I lined up to race my little girl. I have longer legs. She is little. Surely I can out run her right? Boy was I wrong.

Off we raced and she kept looking around at me to see where I was. She would slow up to not be too far ahead of me. I ran as fast as I could in my Crocs with no sports bra and ready to be milked. We got to the light post and headed back. 15 feet from the finish line I lost a shoe. A fraction of a second later Annie finished as I went back for my shoe.

Her time -- 48 seconds. She was slowing up for me.

It is a sad, sad day.

I want a rematch. This time I am going to train and wear a sports bra and make sure I have nursed right before I go out. And this time I am wearing MY tennis shoes. (Well considering that my tennis shoes are also a decade or more old, maybe I should get a new pair of those before I try a rematch.)

In all seriousness, I wanted to write this post because it was so fun to run with Ann Marie and race her. She was so happy and proud of herself to "beat her mom" at something. It is one of those "motherhood memory snapshots" in my head that I am savoring now and want to remember always. I only wish I had captured the race in a real photograph. In the rematch I will make sure to video and photograph it.

Sedarahc

The mailman brought me a package last week. Inside was the game I had been waiting for--SeDaraHc. That night I had a bunch of ladies over for my Project Runway/So You Think You Can Dance/Top Chef Party. After we munched on all the yummy food everyone brought, I asked them to try a round of this game out with me.

We divided ourselves up into two teams -- blonds vs. brunettes -- a classic rival. There were 3 blonds and 4 brunettes. During each teams turn one person was the guesser and the other team members had to act out as many cards as they could in one minute. Oh and the team can't talk to each other while acting out. So there is no coordination or planning involved in the acting.

It was pretty hilarious and some of the turns had me belly laughing. Perhaps my favorite was when our team was trying to act out "Donald Trump." I kept doing crazy movements with my hair. Another player was acting like a duck (Donald Duck right?) I caught on to the Donald Duck thing and our guesser had already said duck but wasn't putting it to "Donald."

So on the ground I drew an outline of Mickey Mouse. She got that it was Mickey Mouse and from there we got to Donald Duck. Using classic charades signs we got our guesser to understand the first of our two word card was "Donald." Now we just had to get "Trump."

One of our team members started doing the act of playing a trombone and then a trumpet. Our guesser got Trumpet. We were almost there! "Donald Trumpet!" She kept yelling. And we kept nodding and doing crazy comb over actions with our hair and rubbing our thumb over our fingers to do the money sign. "Donald Trumpet!?! Donald Trumpet wig?!?"

And then time ran out.

And we all fell down laughing. The other team turned to our guesser and told her "Donald Trump." Ah yes, of course! "Donald Trump."

Anyone want to guess which team won? This should be a no brainer right?

I can't wait to play this game with the Young Women at church. I think they will have so much fun with it. It is a very versatile game that can be enjoyed so many different ways. I am going to have to talk to my friends and get them to create a "Junior" version of it so we can play it as a family. There are, however, blank cards for us to fill in with our own words. Maybe I will use them to make some easier words for my kids in the meantime.

I loved playing this game and will definitely be playing it at our next game night. It would make a great gift for anyone who loves games and Christmas is sneaking up on us.

To get your own copy go to http://www.sedarahc.com/friends and you will get a $5 off discount because you are all my friends!

Book Update

I have ordered the rough draft copy of my blog book. It is 244 pages so I didn't want to edit it on the computer. I prefer to have a hard copy to edit. I am excited to get it and see how I like it. Once I get it edited I will make it available to the public if anyone wants a copy. It will not be cheap, unfortunately. But I made it a nice book that will serve as a record of this life changing year for our family.

I decided to use Blurb and then just put my book in their bookstore. When I first slurped my blog over to their site it gave me an error message that said, and here I quote: "Whoa! That's some blog you've got there! Unfortunately Blurb can only publish a maximum of 440 pages one book." Then it asked me if I wanted to continue with what it could fit from my blog or if I wanted to start over.

I thought that was a funny message. Kudos to whoever wrote the programing on that. So I had to whittle down my blog to fit. It was easy to take out some posts about So You Think You Can Dance parties etc... It was harder to decide whether or not to leave in the doctrinal posts that answered questions about Mormonism. I don't feel my family needs the information because they either know or are being taught the doctrine. Still I did share some personal stories in some of those posts that I thought I might want in my family history.

For now I have taken those posts out. I was trying to take out everything non-essential to keep costs down. I was afraid the book would cost me $200 because it was so long and has lots of color photos. In the end, this first draft in paperback ran me about $60. I was excited to see it was so inexpensive. But it is still more than I would normally ever pay for a regular book.

So I am not sure how interested people will be in paying for a copy of this book but I am excited to have the first version of it on its way to me. It has been an emotional journey putting it together and my heart is ready to hand it off to someone else to read through it and edit it. I hope to have it edited and in final form before the end of the year. I'll let you know when it is finished.

Bedtime Routine

Someone asked about how I established Noble's bedtime routine in a comment. I thought I would answer in a post. As always, I will start with a bit of background.

When we had Sabrina, she was a very easy baby and could sleep soundly almost anywhere. We could take her with us no matter where we went and we knew she would just fall asleep if she got tired, or Jon could bounce her in his arms for about 30 seconds and she would fall asleep. So for the first 9 months of her life that is how we put her to sleep. Jon would bounce her to sleep.

At 9 months I decided this was not so practical anymore. I couldn't bounce her to sleep. It had to be Jon. He wasn't always available. So we decided to teach her to go to sleep unassisted. We put her in the crib and tucked her in after she was well fed and clean. Then we left the room. She cried. And it about broke my heart. She cried for 40 minutes. Then she fell asleep.

The next night we tried again. Again she cried. This time it was for 20 minutes. Then she fell asleep. The third night she cried for 5 minutes and fell asleep. After that if she cried at all it was only for a minute or two and then she would soothe herself and go to sleep.

I asked myself why I had waited so long to do this with Sabrina. With Ann Marie I started trying at 4 months. It didn't work so well. She was just a really hard baby. My hardest for sure. She would not go to sleep for me. We actually had a live-in, part-time nanny after I had Ann Marie because this girl could get Annie to sleep. (Still thanking my lucky stars for you Shanan!)

With Annie I would try for hours to get her down and then end up taking her to Shanan and she would be asleep in a matter of minutes.

Lauren was the easiest baby ever. She loved the binki and would keep it in her mouth easily. If she was sucking she was sleeping. She slept so much and was easy to put down. I just gave her a binki and her blankie and she was good to go. That was pretty much from day one with her.

Camille and Noble have been rather similar except that Noble had a bit of reflux his first few months so we didn't sleep him in his crib. We put him to bed in his swing. The more upright position was better for him. We would put him in his swing awake and turn out the lights and close the door and he would cry for a minute or two and then fall asleep.

Once in a while he would cry for a bit longer. But generally he would fall asleep in under 15 minutes. If he cried longer than that I would go get him out, play with him for about 20 minutes and then try again. This is because I figured he wasn't really tired enough yet. Usually after another 20 minutes he would be more tired and conk out more easily.

When we transitioned him to the crib it was really easy. We just put him down, turned on the sound machine, turned off the lights, gave him a soft snuggly blanket and left the room. He would cry when we put him down but as soon as we gave him the soft blankie he would rub it over his face. This is a cue to me that he is sleepy.

He may still cry as I leave the room and may even cry a little for a few minutes after I have left. I go downstairs out of earshot and then check on him after a few minutes to make sure he has fallen asleep. 98% of the time he falls asleep after about 10 minutes and has stopped crying after about 3 minutes. The other 2% I go back and get him and try to put him down a bit later as I described previously.

My point is different kids can be different in how they get to sleep. With Camille and Noble they really just want to be put down and left alone so they CAN sleep. Often their crying is a sign of tiredness. We all get cranky when we are tired and they just need a calm, dark, quiet place to let that crankiness out and wind down to sleep.

This may not be true for your kid but it is worth a try if you are feeling frazzled by a longer and more tiring bedtime routine. Good luck finding the right tactic for you and your child!

Front to Back

Note the two little teeth and the cute dimple!

Today Noble rolled from his tummy to his back for the first time. He is getting really good at propping himself up on his hands when he is on his tummy. I can tell he just is longing to crawl around already.

He is fitting 6 to 12 month clothes for the length but he is not too chunky. Long and lean is more his style. He looks more like his dad than any of my other kids have. His hair is far lighter than any of my other kids.

It is a strange thing to watch him grow. Every new stage remind me so much of Camille. I never felt that so strongly with my other kids. I guess because when the older sibling is still living you think of that older child at the age they currently are and it is hard to remember back to when they were nursing or crawling once you are used to them talking and walking.

My last memories of Camille are of her crawling. She had only stopped nursing a month before she died. Those memories of nursing her are some of the last ones I have of her so they are fresh to me still. As Noble grows and gets closer to the size she was when she died, I find myself remembering her so much more.

Noble's been sleeping so much better lately. He goes to sleep the same way Camille used to. He doesn't sleep well unless he is in his own bed. He has a really hard time falling asleep when others are in the room. Just like with Camille, he likes to be put in his bed with his head touching the crib bumper. He likes to have a soft blankie to snuggle up with. He rubs his face in the blanket, cries for a minute till we leave the room and then quiets down to sleep.

I wonder what it will be like when he passes the developmental milestones that Camille last attained and when he grows older than she ever did. Will he remind me less of her then?

photos by Lesli Streets

Party Time

Okay people. I am hosting a "Project Runway/So You Think You Can Dance/Top Chef" Party this Thursday at 8:30 p.m. If you know me well enough to know where I live come party with us.

We will be watching highlights of this weeks Project Runway and SYTYCD episodes and doing our own version of "Top Chef." Bring your best "top chef" food to the party. It can be any type of food savory or sweet, main dish, dessert, side dish or appetizer. Just make sure it is "top chef" good and be prepared to share the recipe.

We will be tasting a bit of everyones top chef entries and voting for our favorites. I may even come up with a really cool prize for the winner.

I look forward to seeing you all!

Rolling Over

Tomorrow Noble will be 5 months and today for the very first time he rolled over from his back to his tummy. Then I rolled him back over to his back when he got too frustrated and he did it again.

I normally don't note when a kid rolls over for the first time but 5 months seemed a bit late to me so I have been waiting for a while now for him to pick up this skill. I think he has been slow to acquire it mainly due to the fact that he was RARELY ever laying down until recently. He slept in his swing until about 2 weeks ago when Jon and I decided it was time to move him to the crib. His reflux had subsided and it was just time.

And he never really played on the ground. We just never put him down. He is pretty spoiled. But lately I have been trying to give him some time on the ground so he can get these skills down. And I guess it paid off today.

More on Noble later. My sister came and took some photos of him today and I will update more on him when I get the photos to go with the post.

Conference Jewel

Here is my favorite gem from Conference weekend. It was in a talk by Elder Richard G. Scott. I found this to be so very true on my darkest hours and days of grief. I loved the analogy he used to illustrate this truth.

"The influence of the Holy Spirit can be overcome or masked by strong emotions such as anger, hate, passion, fear or pride (and I would add despair). When such influences are present it is like trying to savor the delicate flavor of a grape while eating a jalepeno pepper. Both flavors are present but one completely overpowers the other. In like manner strong emotions overcome the delicate promptings of the Spirit."

May we all find the quiet hope necessary to feel the guidance of the Spirit of the Lord in our lives.

Gotta Try This!

Anyone who knows me well knows how much I LOVE fun party games. I love a good game of Taboo or Charades or Skategories. I had so much fun playing these games with my friends growing up. It is just a source of GOOD CLEAN FUN.

Well one of my very best friends for the past 20 years (wow i can't believe it has really been 20 years) is a guy named Scott Porter. We met on a ski lift at Brian Head 20 years ago. Actually how we met is a funny and crazy story. So I will briefly share in a bit.

First I wanted to tell everyone about a new game he has created with his brother Bryce and a hilarious friend of his Brent Peterson. If anyone knows good party games it is these three guys. Trust me. I have played games with them and there is non stop laughter pretty much the whole time. Here is the email he sent us about his new game.

Subject: It's official: Let the games begin!

Party games have never been this hilarious!

My brother Bryce, Brent Peterson and I have been working on developing a party game this past year and it is finally on the market! Sedarahc—the game of reverse charades! Some of you have already played it and know how outrageously fun it is. It’s an absolute riot with family, work teams or groups of friends practically anywhere and perfect as a holiday gift.

You can purchase it now at the BYU Bookstore or you can get our friend’s discount for $5 off at http://www.sedarahc.com/friends. Feel free to share the discount page with any of your friends or family too. I’m anxious to hear your feedback. (I hope that those that have played games with me before will smile when they read rule #5) :)

Please join our facebook fan club for updates and future promos at: http://www.facebook.com/sedarahc

Thanks!

Scott

I am not a facebook girl but I will be buying this game to try it out. I can't wait! If you love charades or party games like that I am sure it is going to be great. I will let you all know what I think after I play it.

And now for the fun story of how I met Scott Porter ...

I had been hearing all about this guy from all my friends and they all assumed I knew him. But I didn't. I was kinda getting sick of hearing about him.

One Friday night my friend Molly told me all about how her boyfriend left her at a dance because she had danced 3 times in a row with Scott Porter. She kept trying to convince me that I knew him. "You know... Scott Porter.. with the blond hair."

"No, I don't know him."

"Sure you do..."

Anyhow, the next morning I got up early and drove to Brian Head UT with my older brother to go skiing. I was looking to ski with a guy I liked who I knew would be up there skiing that day. (oh the things we do in our youth.) So I spent the first half of the day skiing alone looking for the cute boy --- in a snow suit--- and I didn't even know what his suit looked like. Needless to say I didn't find him.

About noon I went up the single line of the lift and was put on the lift with two high school guys. I started talking to them on the way up. I found out one of them went to the same high school as my brother. So I asked him if he knew my brother or a bunch of his popular friends. When he said no to everyone I figured he was a looser and gave up.

After a few minutes I realized his friend had said he was from St. George. I asked if he was Mormon and they both said "YES!" I turned to the kid from Vegas and said, "You are Mormon, you go to Valley High, and you DON'T know any of those people?" Generally most of the Mormon kids in high school outside of Utah know each other. Or at least they know the more popular kids.

"Oh well I just moved there a couple of months ago," he replied. So then I found out what ward he was in and asked if he knew some of my friend and he knew lots of them. The lift ride ended and he invited me to ski with them. He told me they were playing follow the leader and invited me to lead off. I accepted and got halfway down the hill before I realized thought I had told him my name I had never asked his name. I stopped. He pulled up beside me. I said "Hey what is your name anyway?"

"Scott Porter," he replied. I about dropped down in the snow laughing. SO THIS was the great Scott Porter I had heard SOOO much about.

"Apparently you know Molly Earl too, huh?" I replied still laughing. Then I turned and led off down the hill with him following yelling, "Hey what did she say?"

And thus began a long and adventurous friendship.

Thoughts on Love and Respect

I have been thinking some about love and respect lately. And by "respect" I mean the definition: "a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements."

My great-grandmother Gertrude always used to say that you should marry someone you admire because you can always love someone you admire but you can't always admire someone you love.

While it is optimal to BOTH love and respect or admire those close to us, I have been thinking about which is more important in which relationships, love or admiration/respect.

My mom pointed out in our weekend together that she thinks that it is more important for our children and youth to respect us than love us. I think she is right in this point. Children can get mad at their parents or leaders. That is a natural aspect of a relationship where one has a stewardship to discipline and lead another. But if the child admires her parent or teacher she is more likely to listen to her counsel. She is also going to place more value on positive reinforcement.

Take Simon from American Idol for example. I am sure there are many of the contestants on that show who don't really "love" Simon. But I think most of them admire him and when HE gives a positive comment they know they have done really well.

So I think respect or admiration for our elders is paramount. I think if you have that respect the love follows naturally or at least is fairly easy to develop to some degree.

Looking at the parent to child relationship I would think the converse is true. It is far more important to love our children than to respect or admire them. I don't know that I really feel respect and admiration for my children. They are young and growing. They don't have many talents and abilities cultivated yet that I do not have. Maybe this will change as the years pass. But for now I feel sheer absolute unconquerable love for them.

I think in a parent to child relationship this is so important because love is not conditional. Admiration is. Perhaps someday my child will do something monumentally stupid. Perhaps they will choose to live a life unworthy of my respect or admiration. If my relationship with that child were based on respect, the relationship would wither and perhaps even die. But pure love is unaffected by such circumstances. It lives on even if it takes on the form of pain.

With relationships on an equal level I find I would rather be loved than respected. Don't get me wrong, it is nice to know someone admires me for some reason or another. But respect and admiration are conditional emotions. I would rather know my friend, sibling, cousin, etc... loves me no matter what. That is an emotion I can rely on. That is a relationship I can trust to hold me safe even when I screw up or feel insecure.

When I am feeling weak and insecure, it is to those who I know love me, LOVE me, LOVE ME, that I most quickly turn. It is to them that I can let down my defenses and show my vulnerability and know that I will not risk losing their affections even if I do lose some respect.

I am grateful to have parents I know love me like that. I am blessed to have married a man who both loves and respects me and whom I both love and respect. I hope to be the kind of mother who will be respected and admired by her children. I know I am a mother who loves her children like that. I hope my siblings and all my in laws know that I love each of them. And I think my parents know that I respect and admire them to the ends of the earth and love them no matter what.

Just some of my random thoughts on love and respect ...

Home Again

I just returned home from a trip with my mom and my kids to the cabin. My husband had a business trip this week and so I roped my mom into helping me out with the kids. Having her help made what would have been a hard week into a fun filled adventure.

My mother is a serious over achiever. She came fully stocked to the cabin with all sorts of activities to do with the kids. I think Sabrina would have spent every minute with my mom if she could have. She loves all of the fun Nana brings to her life.

We read poetry, enjoyed the changing fall leaves, painted pictures of the seasons in watercolor, painted rocks with inspirational words and pictures of our family for a little rock garden, painted the windows with window paint, read stories together, sewed trick or treat bags, watched deer eating out on the front lawn, took an ATV ride to the spring, explored all around the spring and generally had a fabulous time just us girls and Noble.

Mom and I stayed up late talking every night in our bed waiting for sleep to come. I think that may have been my favorite part. I love my mom. I love spending time with her and talking to her. I just really enjoyed spend so much alone time with her.

The one down side is that now I am exhausted. Staying up till the wee hours talking to mom and then getting up with baby every hour on the hour makes for one tired mama. I am looking forward to getting into my own bed tonight.

Signs of Healing

For Camille's birthday in April we planted this oak tree in our front yard. It looked beautiful. But after a couple of months we noticed some of the leaves were turning brown.

You can see in this picture that it is looking a bit dry. We called our landscaper friend to come look at it. He told us we had buried the tree too deep when we transplanted it and it was suffocating under all the soil.

Jon took it upon himself to save this tree. He was out there working to unearth it and raise it up to be at the proper level to thrive. At first it seemed to get worse. It lost all its leaves. We had piles of dirt all around our front yard. But we kept hope.

Then after a few weeks we began to see real signs of life. See the new leaf buds!

New leaves did emerge. And while they haven't grown as large or as full as they were, we are hopeful that next Spring the tree will look every bit as good as it did before.

You may have noticed that my posts have become more sparse. This also is a sign of healing. Like the tree I am not as filled out as I once was or would like to again be someday. But, I have had signs of life in the form of peace, hope, and even ... gratitude yes ... gratitude for my trials lately. That seems pretty amazing to me even as I am writing it. But it is true.

I hope both the tree and I continue to grow and bloom with the seasons.

Another Talk

Annie is giving another talk in church today. She has the same talk Sabrina had last week. Last week we forgot about Sabrina's talk until 5 minutes before she was supposed to give it. :) We sat for a few minutes together and put an outline down on paper. I was so pleased with her as she stood up there and gave her talk with only an outline to guide her words. It is a bit scary to do more of an impromptu talk. She did a fabulous talk.

I would share it but since we didn't actually write it ... well I think I would have a hard time remembering all she said. The topic for both girls was Prophets Teach us to Strengthen our Families. Sabrina's outline highlighted that Family Home Evening, Family Prayer and Scripture Study and Having Love in our Home are thing that prophet have taught us to do that also strengthen our family.

Annie and I just put her talk together. I helped her find the quotes from the Gospel Art Kit. She did the rest. My favorite part is the insight she gives on why her little sister Lauren always wants to say the family prayer. Here it is:

I am doing a talk about how prophets teach us to strengthen our families. I will tell you what three different prophets have taught us about families.

First – President Joseph F. Smith SHOW PICTURE

In 1915, when Joseph F. Smith was President of the Church, the First Presidency wrote a letter encouraging families to hold “home evening activities. They promised blessings to families who would participate. President Smith promised, “If the Saints obey this counsel, we promise that great blessings will result. Love at home and obedience to parents will increase. Faith will be developed in the hearts of the youth of Israel, and they will gain power to combat the evil influence and temptations which beset them.”

HOLD UP FAMILY HOME EVENING BOOK

Family Home Evening is a great thing to have. I like having Family Home Evening because it has lots of activities and it teaches us lessons and everybody has fun doing it.

HOLD UP PICTURE OF PRESIDENT HINCKLEY

President Gordon B. Hinckley said four simple things we can do to help make our families strong. “Let parents and children (1) teach and learn goodness together, (2) work together, (3) read good books together, and (4) pray together.”

We teach and learn goodness together in family home evening. We work together. Yesterday we cleaned our whole house. I like doing it together as a family because we help each other. It would be hard to clean the whole house by yourself. I am glad my whole family can help me. We also read good books together. Right now we are reading this book. HOLD UP TENNIS SHOES BOOK It is a fun book about kids who go back in time and live in Book of Mormon times. We also like to pray together. Lauren my little sister always likes to do the prayer because she wants to make hers short.

HOLD UP PICTURE OF PRESIDENT MCKAY and FAMILY TOGETHERNESS PICTURE

President David O. McKay said “I know of no other place where happiness abides more securely than in the home. It is possible to make home a bit of heaven. Indeed, I picture heaven as a continuation of the ideal home.”

We can do the four things President Hinckley told us to do to make heaven come to our homes. When heaven is in our home it feels really good because it is all calm and no one is fighting. Everyone plays good games and it just feels like everything is Right. I really like it when Heavenly Father is our home because He helps our home feel good. When heaven is in our home it feels like my little sister Camille is there too. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ Amen.