Views of Peanut

This is one of the 3D pictures we got at our ultrasound appointment today. I am thrilled to report that the baby looks healthy in every respect. I have not cared whether we have a girl or boy. But I knew that it would be an emotional trigger to discover the sex of our child. I knew whether peanut was a he or a she, I would need to do some emotional processing. 

I have known since Camille died that we would never be able to replace her. I did not get pregnant in an effort to replace her. I want the joy that a new baby, any new baby, brings to a mother's heart. It doesn't matter whether my child is a girl or boy. I know I will have that joy. 

Still, there are emotions that come with varying degrees knowing that this child will be unique and different while my heart longs for something known and unattainable. It is part of the nature of the beast. I knew I would have to face it. I chose to face it now so that when the baby is born, I will not have to deal with these emotions then. I am sure there will be enough emotions to deal with on that blessed day all by itself, without a gender surprise.

I am happy we found out today...

...that we are having a baby boy!

It is going to take enough adjusting in my mind to psyche myself up for a boy as is, nevermind the added grief element. I have become very accustomed to girls. Still if I am ever going to have a boy, now is the time to do it. There will be an almost 4 year gap between him and Lauren. And I am happy he will not have to deal with ever being compared to Camille.

Jon is thrilled. Sabrina and Ann Marie are excited to finally be getting a brother. Lauren -- well she was sad and mad. She said she wanted a girl baby so she could have Mill Mills back. After explaining that even if it was a girl it wouldn't be Camille, I had a nice little silent break down of my own. I want Camille back too. I just know better than a 3 year old that having a new baby just won't do that. Still the knowing doesn't remove the longing from your heart.

I am settling into the idea of having a son. It is weird for me to even write that word in reference to myself. But I am excited to learn first hand the love a mother feels for a son and what that type of relationship is like. I am also excited for my girls to know the love a girl has for her brother. I was always glad to have both brothers and a sister growing up so I could know both types of sibling relationships.

While I am a little nervous about this baby's seemingly spastic level of energy and movement in the womb, I am confident my love for him will only make this feature (if he is this high energy out in the world) all the more endearing.

OH BOY! Here I begin a whole new adventure!